Jokes 25

Top Ten Tips For Becoming A Supermodel (presented by Heidi Klum)

10. Study really hard and get good grades

9. For several hours a day practice "just standing there"

8. Lose the mustache

7. Learn to do this (makes pouty face)

6. Remember, it's the inner beauty that counts -- just kidding!

5. Start out small, like your office newsletter swimsuit issue

4. Buy that kind of soap that makes you pretty

3. Project that all-American look even though you're from Bergisch Gladbach, Germany

2. Moisturize -- you can never be too moist

1. Ease into it by going to your current job in your underwear

Did I miss it

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to take a leak in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.

He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a beautiful fountain with foliage, and since nobody was watching, so he decided to take a leak right there.

When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.

"Miss it?" she said, "You were in it!"

Hey look!

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

Good Looking

Get the sunscreen out girls.....

 As we all know, the Taliban considers it a  sin for a man to see a naked
 woman who is not his wife. So, this Saturday at  2:00 PM Eastern
Standard  Time all Australian women are asked to walk out of  their homes
completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.  Circling your
block  or one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn  chairs in front of their
house  to prove they are not Taliban, to demonstrate  that they think it s okay
to see nude women other than their wife, and to show  support for all
Australian women.

Since the Taliban also does not approve of  alcohol, a cold six-pack at
your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban  sentiments.

The Australian Government appreciates your  efforts to root out
terrorists  and applauds your participation in this  anti-terrorist activity.

God bless Australia!

Governmentium

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named " Governmentium. " Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as " Critical Morass. "

You will know it when you see it.

It can be found in large concentrations all over Washington  

Iron Ear

A blond guy with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment.

"What happened" asked the doctor.

"Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame on TV," began the man.

"She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron."

The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the other ear?"

"Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man, "when the same guy called again."

Oh my God!

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Can you Believe!

If you lived as a child in the 60's or the 70's, looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we
have................. 

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. 
 
Our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint. 
 
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!) 
 
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors. 
 
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem. 
 
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.  No mobile phones. Unthinkable. 
 
We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember 
accidents? 
 
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. 
 
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugary pop but we were never overweight.........we were always outside playing. 
 
We shared one bottle of pop with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this? 
 
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on Sky Digital TV, video tape movies, surround sound, personal mobile phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms,  ............... we had friends. 
 
We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves!
Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian. How did we do it? 
 
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever. 
 
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind. 
 
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.  They actually sided with the law, imagine that! 
 
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. 
 
The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. 
 
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to. 
 
And you're one of them. 
 
Congratulations! 

Blame the horse

The Queen was showing the Archbishop around the Royal Stables when a stallion passed gas very loudly.

"Oh dear," said the Queen, "I'm sorry about that."

"That's okay" said the Archbishop, "I thought it was the horse."

WHY?

A couple of elderly men were sitting in the park chatting about days gone by, when a pretty young woman came into view and walked past. Seconds later a young man appeared, walking just a bit faster than the young woman, and gaining steadily on her. The first old man gazed after the couple and said, "Do you remember when used to chase pretty girls down the street?" His friend hardly stirred and replied wearily, "Yes I do remember how we used to chase them, but I can't for the life of me remember why."

Wrong Way

As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Harold, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Harold, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"

Home sweet home

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"

A terrific Idea

Mrs. Cohen came home from her Sisterhood meeting at the synagogue. She was very excited, and explained to her husband that the guest at the meeting had been a wonderful hypnotist. Mr. Cohen then mentioned that attendance was down at the Saturday services. Maybe they should hire the hypnotist to bring in a crowd. He talked it over with the rabbi, who thought it was a terrific idea. After lots of publicizing, the synagogue was filled for the Sabbath service. The hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. As the crowd observed, mesmerized, the hypnotist began, "Vatch the Vatch, Vatch the Vatch, Vatch the Vatch." The congregates carefully observed, their eyes following the sway of the watch. "Vatch the Vatch," The hypnotist continued. 

Then, accidentally, the watch fell out of his hand. "Shit!" he cried.

It took them three weeks to clean up the synagogue.

Does it hurt?

My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes. That's when I noticed my son Ben staring at my husband's head.

He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?"

After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply, "Not physically."