I have lived with this for the past 10 yrs and have wanted to walk on a number occasions but my husband is a good man a great father and we all love him. If a movie of the past 10 yrs was ever made let me assure you it would be a horror story. The fact that I am older has been a plus in this marriage but many others I know have just given in and that's sad. I really don't think anything will be done at anytime in the near future but if we don't tell our stories no one will know just how bad things can become.
This letter refers to the story of a non-residential father printed in that section. Click here to view it.
I am the step-mother of twin girls eight years old. Their mother is the custodial parent. For seven years we have faced lies to our children about us, lies to the courts about her income and visitation arrangements, lies about anything and everything that suited her purposes at the time.
It's unfortunate that the unscrupulous people of this world always seem to win and those of us who just want what is best for our children are never even heard. The saddest part is that the children suffer most, but the liars are too concerned with themselves to even notice or care.
[I have 2 boys and] my new husband [has a] daughter. We were both married about the same number of years prior to meeting, and we were both going through a divorce at the same time. We are both non-custodial parents and pay out child support through wage assignment, so that is not an issue here.
Since we married 3 years ago our children want to have nothing to do with us. Their custodial parents are just awful in this regard and neither ex-spouse will involve themselves in seeing to it that we "get" to see our children in any way, shape or form. We both have joint, legal custody and court ordered visitation rights to these children. (Two of them are of majority age now and can pretty much do as they please) But needless to say - we have absolutely no relationship with any of our children.
My step daughter basically said all along that I have no place in her life and she doesn't want to get to know me and my sons just don't say anything except - "Whatever". Except of course when they wanted something. Our two older children's support has ended and my son has joined the service and my husbands daughter said she wanted to come and live with us so we could help to support her now. Excuse me, we have no relationship at all!!!!! Why would I want to have a disrespectful young adult living with me when she can't stand me? We paid quite a bit of child support a month for her. Her mother let her do, buy and say anything she pleased. She comes and goes as she pleases with no regard to anyone. I don't think her mother has ever said "no" to her. She has her own room, phone, cell phone, pc, aol, brand new 2000 Toyota Camry ($400. a month). She works 20 hours a week is enrolled in 3 classes in college and pretty much plays the rest of the time. When we discussed her living with us she said she didn't want to give up anything to work more hours and she would not give up her car. So, she wasn't really happy with us when we said we didn't think her living with us is in anyone's best interest. What would you do in this situation?
It's easy to say what one thinks one might do in your situation, but only you have to live it. You've described your step-daughter as someone who's got things pretty easy - she has everything a teenager could reasonably expect money to buy her, but what she doesn't have is a relationship with her father. She might be very difficult to live with, and make you feel very uncomfortable. She's already hurt your feelings and you are angry with her. Nevertheless, your partner is the only father she has, and this is the only youth she'll have. If she wants to come and stay with her father, for whatever reason, I don't think there are many grieving non-custodial parents who wouldn't jump at the opportunity to have a go, at least, of reversing the damage that's been done in her life.
Your children don't accept your marriage. You are hurt and angry and apparently unable to have much compassion for any of them at this time. Time will heal those wounds, but you can never start soon enough to try to mend torn parental bonds.
May God bless you and give you the strength and courage to heal.
Resolve Research
Thank you for your response to my question. We have since discussed this issue further with my step-daughter. We set ground rules that she would have to follow (even though she is 18). And she laid her rules to us, which were, she only wants a place to sleep, money, and basically her mom would still tell her what she can and can't do. Needless-to-say, our answer was no.
Unfortunately, you are correct in saying "but what she doesn't have is a relationship with her father. She might be very difficult to live with, and make you feel very uncomfortable. She's already hurt your feelings and you are angry with her. Nevertheless, your partner is the only father she has, and this is the only youth she'll have." However, I lived with an abusive husband previously and I refuse to put myself back into an abusive situation.
Your comments do not cause me pain - reality does.
I live with my partner of 4 years, his 7 year old son and my 14 year old daughter. Every second weekend we have my 11 year old daughter and his 2 other children from his first marriage. We are trying to blend 3 families together. Financially we are struggling because we have each to pay child support for the children not living with us, and the Government doesn't take into account the whole family only each parents children. My partner and I love each other totally but with all the pressure of exes, children and finances I can not see a future for us. Until blended families are treated like other families the heartbreak for children and parents will continue and I am yet unable to find assistance or a solution to our problems.
I am currently living with a man who split up with his wife when their son
was 2 years old. Relations between him and his ex-wife were never good. They
only got worse, until he felt that he had no choice but to leave, as much as it
hurt him to leave his son. She refused access to his son and there have been
many court visits since. I have watched the situation and have the utmost
admiration for my partner. My partner has tried to be the voice of reason. He
has sacrificed a lot to keep the peace. His ex-wife uses their son as a
bargaining tool to get what she wants, and threatens him constantly, that if he
and I do not do as she wishes that he will not see his son. He wants his son to
see that there doesn't have to be yelling and hurtful words spoken, to show him
a good role model and that hopefully a compromise can be reached in good faith.
I feel that even if there are people who cannot accept their divorce and the
separation that they should be mature enough to realise that what is the best
for their child does not have anything to do with their own feelings of anger
and bitterness towards their ex-partner. Its about more than money.
My partners has a four, nearly five year old daughter from a previous
relationship. Whilst I get along well with my step daughter, her mother
(who has never met me) says terrible things about me to my step daughter.
Her mother sends her to our house on access visits to tell me that she hates me
and does not love me. I know that she does love me but is being brain
washed by her mother. My step daughters mother wants me to pay child
support as well as my partner as SHE needs more money, not my step daughter.
Her mother is a single mother by choice!! When will there be justice in
the Australian family courts?? When will they restore the fathers rights
and see that not all mothers are women who are fit to care for a child, with the
child's best interests in mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am living with the father of my daughter. He have two boys of 14 and 12 years old. He just get his divorce ... after 5 1/2 years of separation. The mother of his boys just knew about our daughter [last year] and she really hates me, not him. She never knew until [10 months ago] that I was living with him because the boys never told her. I am very concerned about my relationship with the boys because the mother is saying so many negative things about me. She told them that my daughter is not their sister and for that matter they don't have to care about her in any way. What can I do? I am a little depressed about all this matter.
...if it is the adult that doesn't "like" the child, will only accept and love the child IF the child reciprocates, or has a hands-off attitude, like "it's your child - you can have the relationship with him/her, and I will have my relationship with you," then you are buying into a whole lot of trouble if you continue the relationship.
It takes a very emotionally healthy, mature person to handle a step parent situation well. Every child of divorce is hurting and damaged, much more than we as parents can ever know. And these children reprocess the divorce continually as they age. As their minds can grasp new levels of understanding, they will reprocess the divorce. A child that was apparently ok at ages 3, 4 or 5, may "suddenly", at age 8, 9 or 10, show signs of suffering from an "old" divorce.
For all of the pain that divorce brings is the reason it is clearly stated in the Bible that "God Hates Divorce". This is a quote straight out of the Bible. I would give where it is found, but I do not have my Bible on hand. You can look it up yourself. God knows what is best for us and He has clearly stated that He hates divorce. Because He knows the negative consequences it brings.
I am a stepmother. I do not have any children of my own. And I can attest to the fact that there is no other event in the life of a child that causes so much lifelong, lasting pain than that of a divorce. I STRONGLY encourage anyone considering a divorce to spend a considerable amount of time thinking about what the LONG TERM consequences will be. Not the short term consequences. It may look great short term. But look 5, 10, 15, 20+ years down the road and try and picture what your life, and the lives of your children, will be like. I can guarantee that if divorcing couples would do this, and be HONEST with themselves about it, that the vast majority would choose not to divorce. I know for a fact that my husband's ex wishes they had not divorced. Divorce, like suicide, is a permanent solution to often a temporary problem. And very often the problem has nothing to do with the marriage. People bring considerable baggage and problems into their marriage. And they expect marriage and their partner to solve their problems. When marriage fails to live up to their expectations, they divorce. No matter who they marry, the results will be the same because they have not dealt with the underlying problems in their life.
Now there are cases where divorce is warranted. Where mental, physical, and emotional abuse is present. Continued habitual infidelity is also grounds for divorce (which is really abuse). But how many couples divorce because they think the grass will be greener on the other side. Or because they just don't "love each other anymore". Or they don't have that "feeling" anymore. Or because he doesn't make enough money (believe it!). Grow up! Marriage is not about feelings! It is not, contrary to popular opinion, even about love! At least not the kind of love our society promulgates. Marriage is about nothing more than ROCK SOLID COMMITTMENT! Two people determined to travel the road of life TOGETHER!
It may sound like I am on a soap box, and I am! I am only 30 years old. I have grown up in the age of divorce. And I have the scars and carry the pain that I speak of. I think that parents do not take their committement and their roles as parents seriously. They say they do, but they do not. Because if they did they would give their marriage priority over all else in their life! Their marriage would come first. Not their careers, or hobbies, or even their kids. Marriage must come first! Actually it must come second. Relationship with God gets first billing. God first, marriage second, family third, then everyone else. Follow THAT plan and you are guaranteed success!!!!
Last Updated 18th July 2001