by Anne McMurray2
This paper reports on an investigation of factors influencing parent-child relationships in a group of non-custodial mothers in Western Australia. Forty-three mothers participated in open-ended interviews, discussing their experiences of being the non-custodial parent. Thematic analysis of the interview data revealed that the major variables which impact on the non-custodial mother-child relationship include financial status, relationship with the custodial parent, accessibility to the children and the presence or absence of a support network. Implications for support and guidance of families undergoing marital dissolution are addressed.
Introduction
With the escalating rates of separation and divorce which have occurred throughout the past two
decades, the single parent family has become the subject of an increasing body of research in Australia
(Burns, 1981; Ochiltree, 1987; Chadwick, 1989; Weston, 1990; Harrison,
1991) and overseas (Hetherington, Cox & Cox, 1977; Hess & Camara,
1979; Wallerstein & Kelly, 1980; Johnston, Kline & Tschann, 1989; Kalter, Kloner, Schreier & Okla, 1989;
Gavin, Leber & Kalter, 1991).
Studies have compared children's adjustment in single parent (mother custody) and intact families
(Hetherington et al., 1977; Hess & Camara, 1979; Wallerstein & Kelly,
1980), single custody and joint custody families (Johnston et al.,
1989; Pearson & Thoennes, 1990), and stepfamilies (Ganong & Coleman,
1984; Ochiltree, 1987; Funder, 1991). However the two areas which have remained under
researched are the factors related to the psychological well-being of the single parent and the children's
adjustment in father custody families.
Studies by Hetherington et al., (1977), Burns
(1981) and Furstenberg & Nord (1985) reveal that in many
cases, non-custodial parents tend to become increasingly less available to their children over time.
Furstenberg & Nord (1985) suggest that this may be related to the
non-custodial parent's depression, anxiety, reduced self-esteem and increasing adjustment problems. These
factors warrant careful examination in view of the impact which both parents' psychological state has on
the children's adjustment. A large body of evidence suggests that when both parents are psychologically
able to maintain a loving, effective parent-child relationship, children will be buffered from the stresses
divorce can engender and will tend to prosper developmentally (Hess & Camara,
1979; Wallerstein & Kelly, 1980; Broom, 1981; Johnston et al., 1989; Kalter et al.,
1989; Family Law Council, 1991).
Because non-custodial mothers have thus far been overlooked in the majority of research on the family,
there is little information to guide the non-custodial mother in adjusting to her role or to provide a basis
for mutual support with others in similar circumstances. Moreover, little information has been available
for those counselling the non-custodial mother. The present study thus was designed to explore the
non-custodial mother-child relationship from the mother's perspective and was aimed at identifying
influences on parent-child relationship as an initial step in filling this knowledge gap.
Method
Findings
Financial Status
Relationship with the Custodial Parent
Accessibility
Support System
Discussion
References
Introduction
Method
Study participants were recruited through radio and newspaper advertisements which described the
purpose of the study and requested voluntary participation in a one-hour interview to be conducted
either in the researcher's office or the respondent's home. A non-custodial mother was defined for the
purposes of the study as one whose child or children were, for any reason, not living with her.
Several women responded to the initial newspaper advertisement from non-metropolitan areas, many at distances of 500 km or more from Perth, Western Australia, where the study was conducted. Telephone interviews were subsequently conducted with these eight non-metropolitan respondents.
Because the study was an attempt to investigate the phenomenon of non-custodial parenting from the parents' perspective a qualitative, phenomenological approach was adopted. The interviews were designed to elicit participants' descriptions of non-custodial parenting and to identify issues related to their individual mother-child relationships. Although such an approach cannot control for response bias, it was anticipated that common themes would emerge from the data which would provide insight into the lived experience of non-custodial mothering for the group who participated. The study is limited in its representativeness in that only the views of those who chose to respond are reported. An open-ended format was used which began with the request: "Tell me about your experience of being 'the other parent'". Interviews were audiotaped and, following transcription of the tapes, data were analysed for emerging themes and common variables using the constant comparative method of Glaser & Strauss (1969).
The socio-economic status of these women varied with employment and marital or co-habitation patterns. Thirty-two (74%) were employed, ten in the professions (nursing, counselling, research) and the remainder in jobs ranging from cleaning to clerical work. Of those unemployed, two were professionals and the remaining were predominantly clerical or untrained workers. Twenty-two (47%) of the women were living with a partner. Of these, eight were married with the remainder in defacto relationships.
Thematic analysis of the interview data revealed that the major variables which impacted on the mother- child relationship included financial status, relationship with the custodial parent, accessibility to the children and the presence or absence of a support network. Each of these is discussed below.
It was really horrific for me to realise I am the sole provider here. What can I do? What have I been taught to do? I've learned to sew bibs for babies, to cook rice pudding. I've got no trade.
This recognition of financial limitations was mentioned by all of the women who reported relinquishing custody (N = 27), and many of those who had lost custody through the court system (N = 16). The latter group expressed the opinion that had they been financially able to secure the same type of legal assistance as their husbands, they would have felt more fairly dealt with in the courts.
Accounts of experiences with the family court system were many and varied. One woman, destitute at the time of separation, lost custody of her 4 children to her wealthy husband, and remarried a man who was already paying maintenance for 2 children from his former marriage. Once she had remarried, her maintenance payments were reassessed on the basis of their combined incomes. (She had undertaken a secretarial course and gained employment as a clerk). She then had to repay Legal Aid $10,000 for her custody case, and increase her maintenance payments for the 4 children. In the meantime, her ex-husband remarried a woman who received a cash settlement from her divorce. The woman described the enormous financial strain which she and her new husband are experiencing which, in her view, is due to the inequities perpetrated by a system which is incapable of addressing the financial complexities of family custody cases.
Financial constraints were reported to have a profound effect on the quality of parent-child relationships. For example, one mother who initially had custody of her 7 year old daughter reported:
I was left in a position where I had no money. They were buying her gifts and they were seducing her with money whereas I had to say "no love, we haven't got the money to do that."
Within the first year after separation, her daughter decided to go and live with her father and his new wife. The mother did not interfere with her decision, realising the futility of her own situation which she described as "disempowered by poverty".
Another mother tearfully discussed how her attitude towards motherhood had changed as a result of financial pressures:
"You never get ahead paying $120 maintenance when you only earn $300 per week. In one area you've given them up and in the other they're dragging you down and you wish to God that you never ever had them, which is really grim because you're their mother."
Yet another woman described the anger she had to deal with from her children who were becoming increasingly disinterested in visiting her when they were not able to afford an outing or any of the amenities they were used to. She felt her relationship with her children was gradually becoming eroded by her lack of resources.
A further issue related to financial problems was mentioned by a few women who felt that they had been driven to seek new relationships prematurely by their lack of finances. One woman stated:
"Most women in my situation are almost compelled to find themselves a partner".
Another concurred:
"I moved in with him because I didn't have another option". Back to present study
The former believed her new relationship would work out, while the latter described hers as merely an opportunity to escape from sitting alone in a dingy room grieving for her children.
Those who were able to separate their roles as spouse and parent reported very few difficulties with access arrangements and ex-spouse negativity towards their role. Several women described their ex-spouse's opinion of them as someone who was totally free and 'out on the town', enjoying life, when in fact, many were living very lonely and isolated lives. One woman resolved the issue to the benefit of all family members by initiating a very important discussion away from the access visit situation. She stated:
"We had a long talk and it laid to rest a lot of things. I knew he had a view of what he felt my life was like in the real world, and in fact it wasn't and it isn't. I think I needed to say I'm sorry. I know I hurt you but can we be friends and can we do this for our kids if nothing else. So it's really made a difference - a huge difference." Back to present study
Another woman described the process of recognising how destructive her resentment of her ex-husband was to her parental relationships.
"Every time I saw my husband I had so much bitterness inside me. I can remember picking up the kids three months after it happened and I hated my husband so much, and I used to get so hurt when my kids didn't hate him as well. It was so stupid. I mean, why should they hate him. He never treated them badly and he never would."
Many comments were made relating to the custodial parent's parenting ability. These were divided equally between praise for the way their ex-spouses were handling the children: "He is a wonderful, wonderful father ..., just a lousy husband", and concern for the welfare of the children: "He was leaving the house unsupervised at night once they had gone to sleep". By far the most difficult situations for maintaining interparental harmony were those where the mother felt that her ex-spouse was undermining her relationship with the children. In many cases this was related to the husband telling the children that their mother was stealing money or cheating the family out of their belongings. In a few cases, the ex-spouse was sticking so rigidly to access arrangements that if the mother was a few minutes late in arriving the children would be taken out somewhere and given the explanation that their mother didn't want to see them. Another example of this type of behaviour was recounted by one woman as follows:
"He was playing with the kids' minds - telling them that I was breaking the law by doing work at home and not declaring it - that you go to jail for things like that and that it's lucky he was there to take care of them. One night the younger one just overflowed and I got the story that she'd thought all along that her mum was a criminal and would be going to jail."
Some mothers organised their lives on the basis of accessibility to their children, remaining in the neighbourhood. Those who were geographically isolated from their children recounted the enormous stress involved in short-term, intense mothering experiences and the trauma of saying goodbye at the end of the holidays. Most women described the farewells as devastating, one revealing that the departure leaves her dysfunctional for a week afterwards.
Many described their feelings of sadness, guilt and despair at not having the "closeness" and not being able to influence their children on a day-to-day basis, while others expressed surprise at how well the children were doing. As one mother said:
"I brought them up to be independent and it backfired."
Many women explained that, particularly in the first 12 to 18 months following separation, they were unable to view their children's behaviour as temporary, and could not clearly distinguish between the typical behaviour of childhood, and the reactivity and rebelliousness which was evoked by the dissolution of the marriage. At least six women discussed a 'distancing' reaction which lasted for varying lengths of time. Several women had left the city or state for periods of 6 to 12 months, returning later to resume their access visits.
This cycle of rejection was explained by one mother as follows:
"She chose to live with him. I could understand why, because as I moved out, he moved someone else in and she was going to be in a family environment. It was easier not to have her because then I didn't have to face reality that she wasn't with me all the time. If she wasn't there I didn't have a problem." Back to present study
Others spoke of the difficulty in dealing with their children's anger. As one mother explained:
"I feel like I'm on trial when they come down."
Another said:
"I was phoning them until 2 years ago. It got to the point where I just couldn't make myself pick up the phone anymore."
Yet another stated:
"It doesn't matter to me anymore. You distance yourself. You can't hang on to something that isn't there."
On the other hand, some mothers believed that perseverance was the key. As one explained:
"I see them as much as I can and the more I see them the easier it gets."
The support of family members was considered very important to these women, particularly from their own mother. Nine women, however, reported being shunned by their families for what was, in their parent's opinion, an unacceptable situation and one which had placed their grandparenting in jeopardy. Back to present study
Except for one woman who claimed to be delighted with her freedom and wished never to see her children again, all study participants described periods of intense grieving. As one woman expressed it"
At times you feel like there's a dagger right through your heart.
Several women sought support from religious groups, such as the Salvation Army, while others gravitated to new relationships with, in some cases, disastrous results. One woman in particular, moved in with a drug addict who she 'mothered' until she herself was institutionalised for psychiatric care. Several other women described substitute mothering experiences in terms of baby-sitting others' children, and, in some cases, by seeking employment as a nanny. Three of the women interviewed were pregnant, two of whom vowed never to remarry. In the words of one of them:
This is mine. No one will ever take it away from me.
No less than ten women reported a plethora of self-destructive behaviours ranging from drug and alcohol abuse to eating disorders. Three had been hospitalised in psychiatric institutions on more than one occasion. Most women had obtained counselling either privately or through government agencies. However, only three women could claim anyone in the friendship network who could relate to their situation. One of these women reflected:
To have a role model who has successfully survived is probably the best thing that you can offer anyone else.
All study participants agreed that there should be a network or self-help group for non-custodial mothers. They were very pleased to be able to tell their stories, and were reassured to learn that others were also doing so.
People should...be encouraged to find their own solutions to their own problems and assisted where necessary, to do so through alternative dispute resolution processes (p. 42)
Harrison (1991) advocates the Discussion Paper's recommendation that parenting plans be instituted which would greatly enhance the potential for co-operative parenting. A parenting plan would represent a working document written in everyday language and drawn up co-operatively by both parents to identify their respective roles and goals for the children in terms of housing, health, education and maintenance. Such a plan would shift the emphasis from what is the fairest outcome for the parents to what is best for the children. Co-operative parenting plans would help to overcome some of the difficulties which were reported in the present study such as disempowerment of the non-custodial parent and the rigidity with which many access orders and financial arrangements are applied. They may also help to discourage the undermining which some parents engage in and which is so destructive to all family members. Further, the process of developing a parenting plan may also serve to humanise the legal negotiations. The solution lies not only in policy changes, but in encouraging attitude changes in those implementing policies (family court judges, for example) and those who are affected by them.
Of the women who had been through the court system not one reported having a satisfactory outcome. They felt that the system was inequitable and the counselling inadequate. One woman addressed the courtroom terminology which was bewildering to the uninitiated in dealing with such emotional issues. She suggested that the court counselling system should provide case 'stories' of people who have grown and survived, balanced with emotional supportive material so that the importance of the parents' emotional well-being is not diminished. She commented:
The language of law is also mentioned by Harrison (1991) who suggests that:
"...it has the capacity to increase tensions, minimise the role of a parent and shape the range and types of available solutions involving children" (p. 16).
One such solution which has received wide debate concerns joint custody (Johnston et al., 1989; Pearson & Thoennes, 1990; Trost, 1986). Trost explains that, at the time of divorce, an individual's role perception is very much influenced by the paradigm of the legal system. For the father, the instrumental role of breadwinner becomes even more demarcated from other parental roles at the time of divorce, particularly in countries like Sweden, where child support liabilities are roughly double for non-custodial fathers as compared to non-custodial mothers. Trost (1986) suggests that joint custody may be one solution which would approach "distributive justice" (p. 96). Shared parenting would tend to equalise the roles, allowing parents to achieve a more balanced role with their children while at the same time, increasing the resources available to the children. Back to present study
A further measure which must be taken to help both parents is to provide better information on what to expect of all parties concerned as they go through the period of adjustment. From the study participants' perspective, what they desperately needed was friendship and non-judgemental support. Individuals are empowered by sharing. Women in the present study felt isolated as women, as mothers and as members of society. Some reported being in crisis for 3 or more years following separation. If there were others they could turn to for mutual support in the critical first year, perhaps they would be capable of more effective role modelling to their children, circumventing the cycle of rejection. One woman suggested that a videotape library be established through the Family Court so that individuals could receive ongoing reinforcement and parenting guidance throughout the period of adjustment. The idea evolved from her own experience of having returned to the Family Court counsellors' information session 6 months after she had originally attended the same session. She reported:
They presented exactly the same information. I couldn't believe the difference in me, in terms of what I was willing to hear.
Professional counsellors must also be made aware of the intense grieving which the non-custodial parent goes through. Two of the study participants had experienced the death of a child prior to their separation and both expressed the opinion that it was much more difficult to deal with continuing, rather than final goodbyes.
Understanding and support must also be provided for the grandparents, who evidently undergo unique adjustment problems at the time of separation, and who have thus far received little acknowledgement or support. It is heartening to see that a grandparent support group has been established in at least one State (Friedman, 1990). This will undoubtedly provide a forum for greater understanding which could benefit all family members.
Separating families are a phenomenon of contemporary society. It is imperative that every effort be made to understand and guide such families through the process of reconstructing their lives following the trauma of separation and divorce. Although limited by size, geographic location and individual differences, this study and the one to follow, which will explore the non-custodial father's perspective are aimed at enhancing this type of understanding.