Some [separated parents] are making an (understandable) effort to learn about some of the psychological tests that we might want to give [them]. I'm aware that there is quite a bit of info available on the internet about these tests. However, I have also discovered that some of this information is outright wrong, and I can't help but wonder if the people giving this information have a really sick sense of humor. Following their advice could do you much more harm than good.
So I have a bit of my own advice to give: Don't try and psych out the psychologists. Learning a little bit about the tests without the appropriate background will do little more than invalidate your tests, and then the evaluator has no choice but to use subjective impressions instead of the more reliable tests. Tests aren't perfect, but in most cases, when used in conjunction with other tests and with other data such as observations, etc., they are better than going by the evaluator's biases or putting the evaluator in the position of saying "eeny meeny miney moe."
Instead of spending your time and energy trying to learn a little bit about a very complex field, put that energy into trying to learn more about you child's needs, and also about being a single parent. I'm aware of a case where one parent attended every parenting group available (which were several), took a course relevant to personal issues, dealt with those issues at least partially, did a lot of reading about kids, etc. The other parent in that situation kidnapped the child for a few months, then made false allegations and tried to manipulate the whole situation. Found a psychologist who bought into the situation. The judge saw through it all and gave custody to the parent who showed concern about the child. In his findings he said, "I've never seen anyone work so hard to become a good single parent."
There are few, if any, people on the planet who do not have some problems, i.e., some issues in their personality that don't work well for them. And in a good evaluation, these problems will show up. You do not need to be afraid of appearing to have some problems. It is how you are dealing with those problems that matters. And whether you can put your child's needs before your own also matters.
so if you must have a strategy, let this be your strategy:
(1) Get honest with yourself about what you did that contributed to the breakup of the marriage and/or this nightmare that you are currently living through, and don't try to blame it all on your spouse
(2) Try and deal with the very difficult emotional issue that your child or children probably love(s) someone that you no longer love. Allow them that right. And if you are having a hard time with that, then get some help with that. Your alternative is to try and turn your child into a little you, i.e., to tell the child what to think and feel, who to like and love, who to hate, etc. If you take this latter alternative, you will run the very real risk of seriously damaging your child's personality development, and for your own selfish reasons. There is, in my opinion, almost nothing more destructive that you can do to your child. The most important thing for children to keep in touch with as they grow is what they themselves think and feel as they learn to conform to society's rules. If they lose touch with that, you can depend on one of two things: They will be a mess in adolescence and/or adulthood OR they will finally figure out what happened and will resent you for it. In many cases, both will happen. You might be able to manipulate them while they are little, but that won't last forever.
(3) Be reasonable and honest and get through this as quickly as you can, for your child's sake. Lengthy litigation only hurts children. If you have an attorney who is helping you to create a more adverserial situation instead of helping you to deal with your issues and learn to be more cooperative, then if I were in your shoes, I'd go find another attorney. There are some honest and very good ones out there who deal with the issues openly and competently, and reduce the adversarial nature of the situation instead of increase it. They are, IMHO, the ones to trust. There is no reason to be sneaky and underhanded during custody litigation, even if the other attorney is taking that approach. Judges aren't stupid, at least not the ones I know. They see through this nonsense. They've seen it time and time again. For you, this is a first time event and you might think that your manipulations are quite creative. Trust me. The judges have seen them hundreds of times. The redundancies are truly amazing. I sometimes think that there are underground courses out there on how to teach parents to be uncooperative and underhanded in custody litigation, the issues are so much them same from one case to another.
(4) Don't discuss court and custody issues with your child or in front of your child. It is an adult problem. Keep it among the adults and allow your child his or her innocence. Divorce is hard enough without their having to relive it every time an exchange of custody takes place.
(5) By being honest and keeping things short and simple, you'll save a ton of money. Put it in a fund for your child's college education instead. My apologies to attorneys out there, but I've seen it time and time again: They will find out how much money you and your ex-spouse and your families have, and they will spend every bit of it, under the auspices, perhaps quite legitimate, of giving you the best defense you can afford. You can stop this by getting reasonable with your ex.
I apologize if people out there feel unfairly accused. I know that there are real situations out there where children have to be protected from pathological parents. They do exist. But they are the exception, in fact, are very rare. I have simply witnessed too many scenarios where parents do everything they can to destroy the other parent, and manipulate the evaluation process and the court, and all they really accomplish is damage to the child. Adults will survive divorce. Adults will also in one way or another survive their child's alienation (if you are trying to alienate them from the other parent). Children, on the other hand, pay a very heavy price.
To divorced parents during the holidays: Think of
your kids
By Gayle Rosenwald Smith
I recently had the pleasure of sitting in on a freshman history seminar on the legacy of the '60s. One student included the category of "underprivileged children" -- those whose parents were divorced. She felt these children were deprived and deserved extra help to cope with the world today. Another freshman viewed the breakdown of the family as a casualty of this era.
For me, a product of that generation, a family lawyer and a writer on divorce and custody, these criticisms stung. But perhaps we do well to consider the children of divorce as a kind of legacy. I therefore took a hard look at these statements and came up with some advice that may be helpful for divorced parents with children during the holiday season.
Divorce often has psychological ramifications for the children involved. Often parents can't rise above the anger generated by divorce and can't effectively co-parent. To avoid having the legacy of our generation be the downfall of the family, it is important, especially during the holiday season, to avoid making children into pawns in custody disputes. Parents can lessen the fallout from divorce by stipulating certain rules.
Rule One: Children should not be caught in the middle. Parents must fight their battles in their own arena and leave the children out of it.
Children deserve to enjoy the love and guidance of both father and mother. Set the times the children will stay with each parent well beforehand. So they will know in advance what their schedules will be, keep a calendar in a spot where your children mark the dates to be with mom and with dad. This way, they can pack their suitcases in advance and easily prepare for the change.
Too often in custody battles, one parent will refuse to "deliver" a child to the other parent's home at the scheduled time, or decide to change the holiday schedule to fit his or her needs rather than the needs of the children. Don't get into such games. Focus on the children, rather than on yourself. Remember: Your children have both a father and a mother. It is not fair to deprive your child of the other parent's affection even if it means you may be alone. Children need to spend time with both parents; they need to feel that they can celebrate holidays with both. During the holiday season, parents may find this hard to accept. Holidays can be depressing -- especially at a time of year that seems happy for everyone but yourself. It's hard to be joyous when you feel you are being deprived of sharing holiday time with your children. But again: Keep your focus trained steadily on your child, not on your unhappiness.
Rule Two: Adopting a '60s attitude of giving and cooperation is essential for this generation of children to grow up in a healthy, secure environment and not feel underprivileged. Try to be happy that your children have more than one person with whom to share the holidays and their love. In the spirit of cooperation, try to make yourself happy so your child will not worry about you. Make plans with friends to do something festive. Let your children know that it's all right for them to have fun and that you will be just fine.
Rule Three: Don't compete with gifts. Your best gifts are time and love.
It is very hard not to get caught in the trap of wanting to give a better gift than the other parent. Again, put your child's needs above your own. In a divorce situation, one parent often can afford bigger gifts than the other. Although it is natural to be resentful, try to look at the big picture. If your child gets a video game he or she wanted, be happy about it.
For your less expensive gift, think about buying something meaningful -- something you can share. This is where the gift of time can be especially precious. Buying a special book that you can read with your child before bedtime, you are able to give of your time as well. You can also make a book of coupons your child can "trade in" for special activities with you. One coupon could allow your child to go with you to the movie of his or her choice. Let your children enjoy gifts from the other parent. Let them be excited; let them talk about it. Let them know that you are happy for them. By allowing your child to enjoy both parents on the holidays you give the best gift of all: love.
Let's make the legacy of the '60s continue to stand for the decade of love and express that love as love for your children and love for family.
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Gayle Rosenwald Smith is a domestic relations lawyer
practicing in Philadelphia and coauthor of the upcoming book, What Every
Woman Needs to Know about Custody and Divorce.
Since June 29, 1999