Non-Residential Parents

I am a visitor and a paycheck.  Because I want more time with my son, I'm accused of "wanting out from paying child support."  I have been to court 3 times, thousands of dollars paid to attorney's, my son has been hospitalized twice for mental problems, has been suspended from school numerous times, is now expelled and he is only 8 years old. His mom is the custodial parent with a new boyfriend of the month that meets my son on the first or second date and only last about 6 months or less, she tells him how I have screwed him up, how I don't care, she tells the school not to tell me anything and they agree not to because they "don't want to get involved." But of course, she wants more money, but it's not about money...right? 

I have been through a custody evaluation that came back in my favor, the judge without so much as looking at the evaluation refused to do anything as the other side has said the evaluation was unfair and they want a new one, which of course the judge granted. Even after all this, plus the ongoing problems of dealing with a psycho ex, it is I who is accused of being the problem, of wanting to get out of paying $500 a month, that I'm to foot the bill for all her expenses that she chose to accept.  I'm the one who goes to bed at night wondering if my son is ok, what has he been through today. I'm the one who is moody all the time that my wife can't stand to be around me.  I'm the one who's job is put on the line as all I can think about is why is this happening, why is the legal system so against me just because I want to be a dad.  I sit here writing this with tears in my eyes because I still haven't come to terms that a system that will allow this to go on, and on, and on......yet every morning, I must somehow pull my self together and face another day of this, of this woman-made hell and tell myself "it's ok, everything will be alright" and I take up the fight for my son for next 16 waking hours until I go to sleep that night....just to do it over again the next day.

I married knowing it wasn't going to last but not wanting to disappoint my parents who wanted the marriage to go ahead...I was never really happy in the marriage and was planning leaving only three months into the marriage...but once again stayed because of family. The first child was born three years into the marriage and the second 5 yrs. The second was definitely a desperate plan on her behalf to keep a marriage she knew was going nowhere together by using a baby and I resented it from day one.

I left when the second daughter was 15mths old...leaving her with a fully owned home, money in the bank and money invested for the kids and paying her $175 a week cash money, she didn't declare to Child Support, for the kids and only asked that I be able to see the kids at fair and reasonable times. I took one of our cars and a suitcase only.

She played hard ball with the kids etc and wanted more all the time but 3 months into the separation I started to see another person and my life of hell which continues to this day 10 years later began. There is nothing she hasn't tried. I tried to maintain some sort of contact [with the kids] but it was "if you don't include me you don't see the kids." 

I have remarried and have been really happily married to my now wife who is 10 yrs older than me and has 6 children aged 29,27,25,15 and 14 yr old twins and they just accept me we have 4 grandkids who I love and who love me and have never had any problems with these kids or the older kids father who we associate with all the time. The younger kids father has not seen them since they were 10 months old and they consider me their father and no one thinks any differently. What my wife and her kids have gone through because of my ex wife is disgusting: she has tried at every level to discredit her and the kids and me to them;.my mother has sided with [my first wife] ... and although we live in the same town my [current] wife does not know her in laws and I have had nothing to do with my family for the past 10 yrs. 

I have run the gauntlet of the Child Support System: he at first told them I had never paid her anything and the money I was paying to her at first I had to pay again; she sold the home I had owned and bought before I married her out of money I had won and built a mansion partly funded by the money from the house and money from her father on a acreage given to her by her father. Her family are extremely wealthy. She has never wanted for a thing. 

I was involved in a work related accident in 1994 and have not worked since. I received a compensation payment in 1998. I now live on a pension. I have a debt with the child support that was originally $1,500 but is now $20,000 simply from late payment penalties being added for the past 7 years. In reality I never owed anything but the Child Support agency took my wife and kids income into account in my assessment in 1993 and hence the debt. Trying to sort it out was like trying to get off death row so I just gave up. 

To give the male population credit in the area my ex has never had a relationship with another person in all this time and it is mostly because most people know what she has put me and my wife and kids through.....on the down side it has enabled her to focus all her attentions on us and continue with her campaign to break us up. 

The saddest part of it all for all of us is the kids all of them got on when we were allowed to see my kids. Everything would be ok for a couple of months and then she would start and it would all become just too hard. The end result has been all the kids here just don't want it anymore it has gone on too long as far as their all concerned and they don't want anything more to do with my ex and her kids and that's what I really do consider them to be now: "her kids". Why do the courts the child support agency etc allow people to do these things. Can't they see it's them who really needs the help to move on with their lives? 

My ex once said she never missed me she missed the lifestyle. Is that all men are? A "lifestyle provider". I considered myself a good father to my children and the fact that all my step children love and respect me is never taken into account by authorities. I found what I was looking for and despite the constant hardship and hounding we have suffered have stayed together and raised a family. A family that could have included my kids but they were never allowed to truly belong because of their mother. 

It has made it even harder over the years seeing the way the older kids their mother and father interact and how comfortable they all are in each others company. my wife has always said they get on much better now that when they were married but they never set out to destroy each other and still respected each other and considered their kids feelings and it all worked out. Was it asking too much to want the same? 

Money was never an issue with my [current] wife like it is with my ex, this is her main focus and she is allowed to be like it because the Child Support Agency encourages her. Sad but true. What should have happened was we should have shared the bring up of the kids jointly. The courts should have butted out. She could afford to be there [in court] every week I couldn't. And the Child Support Agency should have at least had a look at where the flash house came from the new car the house full of new furniture and the lifestyle in general she leads then come back to me. The system and her set out to destroy me my relationship with my kids and encouraged her in her conquests and it will continue to happen and no ones cares. 

The 3 non custodial parents who suicide every day in Australia are just desperate Dads and no one cares. Believe me without my wife I would have been one of them long ago. I know in my heart if it got to the stage where anything happened in my marriage now and my ex was responsible there would be two deaths hers and mine. 

The only thing that has really kept me together for the past years is my family now and their support. but to the courts etc they're nothing. Second families are nothing and it has to stop. I am now almost 37 my kids are 13 and 11 and I can see no end in sight in the near future...can anyone understand how desperate I feel at times. Will it stop when they get older?

It's been a year now since I last saw the kids and I do miss them we all do. The last time we saw them I dropped them off after an access visit and she started abusing me over nothing. No one had done anything to her, the kids or anyone. I was just there so she started. As usual we had had a good time prior to this but it was all lost because of her antics at the end of the access visit. If I had took the kids back and they had been sad, depressed etc would it have been better for their mother. Is that what she's wanting? It's what everyone else thinks. We're supposed to be awful to the kids and my wife the wicked step mother. There's a void. My wife and I talk about it when we're on our own and neither of us know how to fix it and are certain we as a couple cannot continue to live with trying to make something she set out to destroy -my relationship with my kids - work anymore.

Further comments are added by this father's second wife in the "step-parents" section. Here.

I am a parent going through separation, I have a 12 year old son living with me in Melbourne a and my daughter whom is 8 living with her Mother in Tasmania. My ex has a boyfriend who works 3 months in NSW and 3 months in Tasmania. My daughter is not happy with this situation and wants to come and live with me, I am considering going for custody later this year, I can see that my daughter is not happy and she is determined to come and live with us. My son is not interested in returning to Tas, he has settled very well in Melbourne, he has been with me for the past 11 months

Being left by a partner is a most traumatic experience in itself. Losing access to ones children also is completely debilitating. Separating parents must be made to realise that their separation is a parental problem and should not be able to use the children as any sort of leverage to get what they want. It is particularly easy for a mother to manipulate the children to her own ends. I have not been able to have any real access to my children now for almost 7 1/2 years and although they are old enough to make up their own minds about issues, she still uses manipulative patterns to stress their loyalty to her. I don't know the answers to this type of manipulation and as you can imagine, I am completely destroyed by it all - but seemingly unable to really do anything about it. Is it any wonder that some men go completely berserk when these types of issues arise. Certainly there is no excuse for violence, but just how much can someone take. There is always 2 sides to every story!

If only there were some answers!

When we first split up it was very amicable. I found a new partner shortly after our split and she was welcomed by my ex-wife into the children's lives. We initially had the girls every second weekend and for extended periods during school holidays, which we enjoyed immensely. As my relationship with my new partner developed, my ex-wife started to become more bitter as she has not gone on to find a new partner. She has slowly and surely undermined my relationship with my girls. I went from being a very hands on Dad who was involved in every aspect of my girls lives, to now living in a different state, having no contact bar a couple of emails every now and then. 

We have always had problems with the custodial parent not putting the girls first, spending the child support money on her own entertainment, clothes, makeup etc. We have also had to endure several Child Support Reviews which she initiated based on lies that she had concocted. She has claimed to be unemployed, though we have provided the Child Support Agency with concrete evidence of her cash in hand work - they have done nothing to follow this up. We have been through many rough times with my ex-wife. When we used to pick the girls up for the weekend, their case would be full of dirty clothes, odd shoes etc. My ex-wife would accept party invitations for them during my time with them, and not even let me know. We would find out the day of the party, but of course the child had no party clothes packed and no present to take. 

We have had our girls tell us that "they are poor" - despite Mummy having all the latest brand name clothes, shopping trips to Melbourne etc etc. We have also encountered issues with standards. When my children were 6, 7 and 9 their mother was showing them MA plus videos and when I tried to discuss this with her, she told me "it was none of my business, she was the custodial parent". I have found over the years that this has been flung in my face on many occassions - it's almost like she thinks she is my parent as well. I have also been disgusted at times when my youngest daughter, then 8, told me of "mummy's friend who committed suicide because he was doing too much heroin"!!! 

The children have been included in adult conversations and have been fed distorted versions of why we split. Despite starting as an amicable split, we now do not converse with their mother at all as she has said we must communicate through her solicitor. Currently they have moved out of their house and are moving elsewhere. We have not been informed of the telephone number or exact address by my ex-partner at this stage. When we used to have the girls regularly, almost without exception, the pick up and drop off times would be changed to suit my ex-wife. Many occassions she would not be home when we went to drop the girls back. She has asked for additional financial support on several occassions but is very disappointed when it comes in the form of a cheque made out to the particular place of business or school - she much prefers cash, therefore she can spend it on something for herself. 

As I mentioned previously,it has only been just recently that the girls have had any contact whatsoever, and that has been by email. Unfortunately the second email contained financial requests and the third was an itemised INVOICE of what was needed to begin school. After sending a cheque for half the amount, there has been no email, phone call nothing to say that the money arrived or a simple "Thanks". I have found over the years that any relationship with me was discouraged, except if my ex-wife was after money. She has even gone so far as to say "you pay more and you can see them more" and for many years she did blackmail me with access to my children. 

My biggest regret is that she has effectively stolen my children from me. I think every child has the right to a healthy relationship with their mother and their father. So many Dad's get a bad rap for not being involved with their children. My children have a Dad that wants to be part of their life and loves them very much, but I am being prevented from sharing in their lives. I have come to terms with that and now do not worry over things which I have no control. I am just waiting for when my girls are older and can make their minds up for themselves. My time with them will come. For now I am concentrating on my life with my new partner, who has been very loving and understanding to my girls. It is extremely difficult for an innocent third party to become entangled in such a horrible situation - but my new wife has been very supportive and also hopes that we eventually have a good relationship with the girls.

I think what you are doing is long overdue in this country. The child support agency needs an overhaul, the courts need to recognise the rights of the fathers and the media needs to discuss these issues and bring them to the forefront so that people can seek comfort in knowing they are not the only ones enduring these situations and hopefully some policies and strategies to help people will be created. Thanks.

I was in hospital at the time that my husband had me "served" with an application for final orders for our son to reside with my husband permanently. I had absolutely no idea what was coming...I certainly did not expect that my husband would do this...ever , as we had spoken about such stuff"if we ever divorced we would not deprive each other of seeing our child", although, while I was pregnant my husband did threaten that he would take me to court and everything would come out. This means my MENTAL STATE. Prior to me falling pregnant I had injured my back as a nurse and due to the severity of symptoms , it was a very bad pregnancy and birth. Consequently I developed severe depression during and PND after the birth. On top of this my baby had severe reflux and esophagitis from the reflux. He also developed aspiration pneumonia twice. During the hospital visits I stayed by his side day and night. 

The first 6 months of my babys life were very difficult for my baby and my husband and I , especially myself. During the first few months I had come close to losing control with my baby and the situations presenting themselves. I yelled at my baby a lot, and shook him once, (though, apparently only a little) I dont remember. Life became too much for me and I tried to kill myself on November 5 1999. I almost succeeded, although at the time and still to this day I do not recollect doing it. This is why my husband took my baby away. I need to say that thinking back on what could have happened scares me to death. But, I know that I did not hurt my boy deliberately. I know my yelling would not have done him much good either, but I have to live with that the rest of my life. In the meantime I can only love and cherish my little boy as much as I can and hope that my husband can forgive me one day and give me another chance. 

There is so much to tell, I dont know how to get it all down. Now, more than ever I have reason to live. To live for my baby as I will never give up on him. I am his mother and I cared for him and to have him suddenly yanked out of my arms, bed and life is INHUMAN. It is the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. It feels like a part of me has been chopped off. I feel incomplete, but I am surviving and trying to see more of my son. My husband is only allowing me to see my baby for 3 days a week, 3 hours one day, 4 hours another day and Saturdays I get to spend 5 HOURS with my son, but my husband is always there...watching, checking and basically, every chance he gets, throwing everything back into my face time and time again. I still havnt forgiven myself and dont know if I ever will. Especially while my husband is on the scene. He makes me feel like a criminal and I know that I am not, but it doesnt help. I can certainly relate to what other NCM and NCP have said about "not feeling a part of the family unit" and "feeling as if my bond with my baby has gone" and "feeling like a glorified babysitter". As for the maintenance, I dont know how i really feel about it, except it has made things difficult financially. 

My husband has the upper hand...he is on the single parent pension and seeing my baby every day. He is getting to sleep with my baby every night while I lie awake at night in such dreadful agony of missing my baby's body next to mine, that I cant sleep properly, cant eat properly and constantly feel sick to my stomach, but I am going to one day get to sleep with my baby again one day. My court proceedings are going to be based on a "psychiatric evaluation " that has been ordered by the court. This is what i have wanted and finally it is happening. I am not suffering depression anymore, I am working again and I feel good apart from the fact that I miss my baby being with me. 

My husband is constantly scared that I will ABSCOND with our son. I am beginning to tire of his antics. It has now gone beyond his need to "keep S safe", I know that it has become personal against me. The hardest thing about being a NCM is that I have to bow down to my husband even now that we are no longer husban d and wife. If I dont, as I havnt on some occassions, he starts saying idle threats...like "perhaps I shouldnt bring S over" or "every time S comes to visit you he is unsettled the next day" or "no you cant see him more, I am busy". The ball is in his court for now. I also dread to think of the effect that this is having on my baby. 

I can also understand why NCP drop out of their baby's life. It is not that they dont care, it is the opposite. That they care enough to not put their child through the BATTLE! I have even thought of doing the same thing, but I love my little boy so much the thought of never seeing him again tears me apart. A minute to me is like an hour, an hour a day, and a day a week. In one week I can give my little boy lots of hugs and kisses and patiently wait by for forgivness, acceptance and the hope that one day my baby will sleep beside me again.

I hope this helps your research and if you need any further information please do not hesitate to contact me. I read your article and found it extremely factful and helpful. I even gave a copy to my husband to read in the hope that he will fully appreciate what is happening and let my son and I spend more time together as a mother and son should.

For all the NCP and NCM out there...hang in there and never give up on your child, be there for them and remember that the time you spend with your child is better than nothing at all!

... He said that there's more to life than me, that he feels tied down. I told him to go out, have fun, get friends, join clubs; I would be home with the kids...but he filed for divorce. He seemed to be in a crisis. I thought it would pass. But it didn't and he took himself and the kids back to NY to live with my parents.. My folks didn't have the energy to care for 2 young kids, and to feed H and them every day. It was an aweful burden for them, so I took them back to OH [for two months] . Then I ran completely out of money. H picked them up and brought them back to NY, but he'd quit his job per his attorney's advice such that he wouldn't have to pay child support, or spousal support. When the time came the judge asked who had the kids at that moment, the answer was my parents. So he ruled that they stay in NY for the time being. 

...The kids are still with H and his new wife, 10 yrs younger than H,  8 yrs younger than me. I don't know why they still want my kids. H works all the time (he's worked since he got his job after the divorce) and his wife doesn't seem too terribly active with my kids. I drive 5 hours from NYC to Upstate NY to see them, to go to PTA meetings, to be active in their lives. We just went skiing. Money's not an issue anymore, it's no problem. H likes to use the kids to try to "control" situations but it's just so old, and so malicious, that I'm just plain sick of dealing with him. I'm retaining my 7th attorney to resume court proceedings to have the kids come home to live with me, where they've always belonged. I adore children, I love to cook, to bake, to clean, to iron my husbands shirts. 

Home is, and always has been, where I fit in best. I work part time as a pharmacist but will probably work part time as a podiatrist as soon as I'm licensed so that my kids can have everything. I can work a little at nursing homes while they are in school. Their father lets our son go to school with a sweatshirt placed over his pajamas...it nearly breaks my heart to see how neglected they are. H is supporting his wife and his 3 kids (my 2) on very little money. He hasn't filed for child support but I could care less if he does, I just want my kids back home with me. 

There is nothing that could have injured me more than the judge's ruling that H gets the kids. Being a mom is the most valuable position I've ever held, and the position I respect most in society. I have searched the web for NC mom sites, for organizations to help women, for reasons beyond in insanity of the court rooms. A woman's position as mother is the most important, critical role in creation of a loving, nurturing community. I've been asked why my ex left me, and I don't really know. It was heartwrenching to have my family away. The pride I felt every time my son and daughter ate my gourmet meals, went for walks in the woods, went to church, played with the dog and cat, it was just unthinkable. I suppose, 3 yrs later, that I'm still in shock that H left all that we had. 

I have a new husband whom I love immeasurably. We are trying for a large family. We can afford it, and we can afford to provide a nice life for each one of them. I want to be the mom that has the sleep overs at her house, that makes cookies for bake sales, that goes to school plays with the video cam. I only hope the judges give me back my kids.  tamdpm@yahoo.com

My wife and I have been together for 14 years, it seems now that after working hard for my family to provide some sort of security, she wants excitement and has found this in the arms of another man. I feel hopeless and cheated out of the rest of my life and I feel that my children are being taken away from me and will be brought up by another man, this is I guess because i have heard the experience of so many other men who have been screwed by their batty wifes.

I recently split up with my wife W. We had been together from the time we about 17. We married young, had our son at a young age, and moved here to Australia from the U.S. at twenty one. To our friends and family, we had a good marriage. I worked while she attended uni, and after she graduated is when real conflict arose. She is a very motivated person, always looking to achieve. I'm not, plain and simple. I'll get there, but not quickly enough for her. So, anyway, at twenty seven, I decide to go to uni myself, but she didn't give me the same support that she got when she was in school. She's very busy with her career. I knew I was making her unhappy, and she wasn't really loving me anymore, so I threatened to leave unless things changed. She had left me in our first year of marriage because I was flaking off. It scared the hell out of me, and I put major effort into changing for her, and it worked. I am glad I was motivated to be a better husband. I thought it might work the other way around; if you love someone, and they are so unhappy they want to leave you, you change. It didn't work. 

It degenerated into constant fighting, with my threat, which was never heartfelt, becoming more and more oppressing. Finally, I acted crazy enough that she left, so I'm not sure who would get credit for the breakup. Now we have to deal with raising our son S. Before the breakup, we had talked about how nice we would treat each other; that we would be friends. The reality was that she was very hostile towards me, which hurt my feelings deeply. I still love her, after everything, but she wants to move on. 

She has been living with her parents, who take care of S while she's at work. For the last few months, I've been seeing him once a week. Sometimes I take him out, but if I'm broke, we just stay at his grandparents house and play and have lunch. These are good times. The situation seems to have relaxed me a great deal in my relationship with S. Not like letting him walk over me, just more that I accept him alot more now, because I don't want to spend what little time I have with him fighting. W has been pushing for a 'formal arrangement'. I gave her the car, and everything else (including the bills), so I have nothing. I'm living forty minutes drive from them, working two jobs over the summer, and feeling very lonely because my family are in the States. 

I just bought a motorcycle, but S can't ride on that. She wants me to have him every other weekend, but that's when I work the most. I have told her that I will do what I can, visiting him when I can, and finally she has excepted it, I think. She's mentioned lawyers, which scares the shit out of me because I know I haven't got a chance in court, and I do worry that she will get tough. I have been trying to normalise our new relationship, while she insists we don't HAVE a relationship. I still want our son to see us communicating, loving, and helping each other, for all our benefits. This attitude threatens her I think, because she is trying to pull away completely. S is taking it much better than any of us. He's a gifted child; really perceptive and intelligent. I feel so guilty for putting him through this, but it was killing me the other way. This way doesn't seem much easier though, it just hurts in a different spot.

My ex-wife was physically abusive as well as mentally so we seperated last May. My ex-wife solely blamed me and has punished me greatly for it. I see my daughter maybe once every for to six months unless we are about to go to court.

My ex keeps medical records from me as well as my daughter. My child support is based on $500.00 a week when I average $270.00 to $400.00 I some how manage to pay it every month. [Ex] threatens my new wife weekly and she is twice her size and my poor baby girl is so traumatized by this she asked me our last visit "daddy can I love 'S' too cause mommy says I have to hate her." D comes to my home and latches on to my wife the are so cute when they are playing she will go to S for mommy things after her first day at our house she doesn't want to go home. By the way I have open visitation I am suppose to get my daughter any time I want her with a 24 hour notice and I can keep her up to 72 hours. I have tried on several occasions to get along with E and she tells me that if I get a divorce from S and come home I can see my baby girl all the time that isn't fair! I am very happy now and my daughter D loves S and we are wonderful when we are all together. We go to court about three to 4 times a year so far attorney's fees are killing me S pays my child support out of her check and I pay attorney's fees we are never going to get ahead but I think my ex-wife likes it that way.

I think I have told you everything probaly not because there is so much to tell

Is there a law that let's dads get medical records or an act or any thing that will help me

I was 37yrs. old when our daughter was born.I took several cussings a week when my girlfriend found out she was preg,it was all my fault.This went on the whole 9 mths.and when the baby was born I didn't go to the hosp.because I didn't want to take any more verbal abuse. This women has held it against me for three yrs.now that she got preg,she was "on the pill". She had a12yr. old daughter at the time and she was 33yrs. old.She couldn't go out now that she had a baby. Anyway they wouldn't put me as the father on the birth certificate because I wasn't there to sign it, never have lived that down! After a week or two I went to see the baby and got a cussing again, which has been a common thing over the yrs.

I work industrial construction and we work 10-12 hours a day.By the time I left at 5:00 in the morning and got home at 6-10in the evenings, that's if I was working local, and cooked and did laundry it was hard for me to go visit. I know, this is probably no excuse. Anyway I quit a job out of state to come home and set up my child support,she said she didn't want it.The state said to pay $100.00 a week,no problem.I don't mind the support.I went down and did the blood test,my suggestion,and then went and had the court list me as the father.I got a cussing again because now our daughter had two birth certificates,can't throw one away because it is a part of her life.

Now after three yrs.this woman needs a break from the child, understandable. The thing is she won't put her in daycare or find a sitter.This child is with her 24/7.She takes her to work,private duty nurse,and sleeps with her.She complains because I won't come over and sit with her through the week.The child doesn't want to spend the night at my house but she come over for the day.Her mother does not have a regular bed time for her. It varies from 7:30-11:30.When she does spend the night at my house she sleeps in her own bed and goes to bed at9:00.She tells her mom that she doesn't want to stay here because I won't play with her. All I do when she is here is play with her or watch Barney movies. Of course her mother says I don't play with her because kids wouldn't make things up like that.

My only complaint is that my child doesn't want to stay with me and her mother says it is my fualt.I have been seeing my daughter regularly since she was born.I am looking into parenting classes at the suggestion of her mom to see if I can do anything different and to keep her mother quiet! This is probably not what you were looking for but I thought I'd write to talk to someone about it.Thanks for your time.

I am fairly lucky in that (so far) we have been able to keep things fairly amicable. This may also stem from the fact that we work together, and must maintain that relationship regardless of personal issues. We have retained a nanny since soon after the birth of our first child, and continued this arrangement once I moved out (into a two bedroom unit a short distance away) with the children and nanny alternating betwen our residences. This soon proved unworkable, as my son was displaying an adverse reaction to the loss of his perceived "home base", and was becoming emotional and upset all the time. My ex asked me to consider weekend access instead of shared custody for the sake of the child (my daughter showed no reaction whatever, and seemed to enjoy the "adventure" aspect of going to dads new place). 

I was reluctant because despite the fact that I could justify it as being "best for the kids", I knew I did not want to see them any less, and was also concerned that at that stage, my ex'wife's boyfriend had moved in with her and the kids, and that she might be trying to fade me into the background to help make his path a little easier. Whether or not this is paranoia I am not sure :-) After the new arrangements took hold, my son almost immediately improved, and we have continued this arrangement for the past few months. I have the children at least one night on the weekend (unless I am away with work), and quite often have them from Friday night until sometime Sunday. During the week the children also visit on occasion, but this has been growing less and less. On these occasions, the nanny will collect the children on her way to work at my ex-wife's home, as we both start fairly early of a morning (0700-0730). 

I was paying child support at first, as we negotiated an amount early on to avoid conflict, but when her boyfriend moved in, I asked that this be stopped. I realise that the law is against me on this, but my feeling is that I should not be subsidising somebody else's lifestyle, and she wanted the divorce, n ot me, so why should I pay? I realise that this will never work in court, but my ex-wife is sensitive to my objections (at the moment) and has agreed to this arrangement. It might be pertinent to note that she earns almost double what I do, so needless to say, there was no economic reason for her to pursue the payments. My legal advice is that "if she wants it, she'll get it" when it comes to child support. I would also point out that I pay for certain things offhand, such as health insurance, tennis lessons, dance lessons etc. for the children, and this (I believe) helps my ex-wife's perception of me as somebody who is making an effort to help financially, whilst not fulfilling my complete legal obligation. In my mind, I find it very easy to justify payments for things that have a tangible effect on the children's lives and well being, happiness etc.and I realise that it has the same net effect as paying child support. ie. Increasing the disposable income of my ex-wife and her new partner. I'm not sure why I feel better about it being this way, but I do. 

I myself have found it difficult at times adjusting to my new economic status, and must admit it was nice to have plenty of money. Not that we were rich, but we did not struggle financially. My mother in particular has been really supportive, and she has suffered a deal of emotional distress over my seperation. My mother introduced us originally, and was always exceptionally proud of this fact. I think in some ways she is even more distressed than I am, but maybe it is just her emotional nature. My sister also maintains contact with both myself and my ex-wife, and babysits regularly for my ex-wife at her home. It might be worth noting that my sister and ex-wife have started seeing each other on a social level since the seperation, which rarely occured whilst we were together. I am not sure if it is relevant, and haven't spoken to either about it, as I am concerned that my ex-wife will think I am checking up on her.

I am emotionally a wreck at the moment, and find myself feeling regretful and crying at the smallest things. I hope this is normal, and pray for a quick end to the grieving process. Having constant visual contact with her at work does not help, and I am unsure how to proceed in some situations, such as trying to avoid her as much as possible, but trying not to look like I am :-)

Well I must say that I love my children just as much as my wife, but I am the one who is cut in half every time that I must leave the kids after a weekly visit. I have never taken drugs but think that this feeling is similar in that after a visit you want, as with drugs the urge for more is there. This let down and then the high when you get to have the children is a emotional roller coaster that I ride ever week that I can under stand why some people decide not to take part in as it is just so hard to please the children and I find that it becomes a competition between the parents to win the kids from the other party. By getting the kids only for a short time you lose contact with them and the closeness that you once had is gone, I just hope that if I hang in there all will turn out O.K. 

Some people choose to walk away from their kids as the financial burden of having 32per cent of your wage go to your (ex) and if you work a second job or overtime the winner is her again, the system is unfair to the ncp in that they are working their butt off trying support the kids and also getting kicked in the teeth for working a second job ,all this work also amounts to not seeing the kids that they love due to working to try to survive. I find that it is hard for me when I get my kids as they all want so much from me, my son wants to play ball or cricket while my girls want me to do other things, in the end I dont get to give quality time to any of them ,I feel if I had a new partner in my life it would be easier as they would be able to help with one group whilst I could spend some time with the other group. Well I can see why some people give in and walk away but I cannot do this to the 3 most inportant things in my life, I just hang in there for the good times to come my way

SOMETIMES THERE IS NOT ANYONE AT FAULT, LIVES AND PEOPLE CHANGE, BUT ONCE THE PEOPLE THAT YOU LOVE ARE TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU IT IS HARD TO GO ON IN LIFE WITHOUT THEM, PEOPLE SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT THE OTHER PARTY LOVES AND CARES FOR THE CHILDREN JUST AS MUCH AS THEM AND ALSO NEED THE CHILDREN JUST AS MUCH IN THEIR LIVES ALSO.

I am not a real father, just the person who pays for them. My emotional needs have not been addressed. My situation is just like you've described. My relationship with them is a shadow of what it was. My x has a new man with kids of his own and now I am just surplus to the whole thing. All i get out of it is the bill. She called the cops the night we split and said she was scared. Even though she had to admit I've never even looked like raising a hand to her or the kids ever, her being scared was enough for the cops to insist I stand aside while she wakes my child from it's sleep and removes her from her home in the night. That was not fair, there was no danger to anyone. She used them to get her way. She moved 100 kms away. She did not tell me where. 

I work shift so seeing them is very hard, and when we do it's like xmas or too intense. I'm afraid I'm being pushed to the side by everyone to help their happy little family succeed. I cannot offer a new woman anything, I can't buy new clothes to attract a new mate and i can't afford to go out with her if i did. My x gets $ from me $ from the govt $ from part time work $ from her millionaire mother and $ from her new beau. 29% of my GROSS is taken from me and 30 %tax leaving me finacially ruined but having to work for the pittance I am left with. 

I stayed in Sydney for finacial reason to support what was our family, she took them away seriously affecting the kid/father relationship out of personal choice. This should not be allowed. If I lived next door or down the street I could share parenting and we'd all be much better off. I cannot afford lawyers for this, i cannot get legal aid because I make too much ! I feel the relationship is like a rubber band and it's streched and very very thin. If a rubber band is streched too far it eventually breaks. I am so depressed about the loss of my children and former life, I am suicidal, I pray every day for death as I am too cowardly (at this stage) to take my own life, but the pain I endure everyday is pushing me closer. 

I do totally sympathise with men who kill their ex's I applaud it, if I were different I'd have done it too. I have no family of my own and only a couple of friends who come from dysfunctional backgrounds too and therefore are of little help. Drugs(prozac), counselling, agencies, friends, books, articles, net, etc etc etc have all been of no or limited help. It's been 3 years and it feels as fresh as a daisy. All I have is phone conversation (when they are there) and that's if I can hold their attention as I'm in competition with the TV. I listen to my 8yo tell me about her new 'friend' (HIS daughter) and the happy family days they have, the holiday plans and generally what a lovely scene the whole thing is. I hide my emotions and agree that it sounds lovely and lie saying how pleased I am, while I can hear a deep voice playing with my 4yo in the background. This woman just "lost the feeling" for me, her happiness is paramount and takes priority over everything else.

The way I see it I'm doomed, i'm emotionally damaged goods. I fear new realationships and am not logistically or finacially in a position to form any. The children are for all intents and purposes hers. I just pay a lot for them. I'm in pain and nobody really cares or can help. Time is not fixing it. If the kids had a father who suicided, it would be very tramatic for the older one for a while, a couple of years maybe, but she has a male role model in her life so she would get over it in time (the younger would not know the difference) now this would be a stigma that would be unpleasant if and when discussed but that's it really. My pain is lasting, they are my kids forever, I'm forever reminded of my failure. Sentenced to sit and watch what I could have had on the sidelines as my relationship with the kids spirals further downward as their feeling for their new dad grows until I'm not only in the way but am a hassle to deal with at all, and I've already seen signs of that. And I make great efforts to hide all this from them. It doesn't matter how good a non custodial parent I am or want to be etc if the other party won't help, because we are still in a parenting partnership and it won't work well for anyone if both won't cooperate. Now I am forced to be a silent partner. The rules and attitudes are all in the woman's favour. I hope to one day be able to summon the courage and fight the natural instinct of survival ending my pain forever. It may be selfish, but if I have to look after my own interests, nobody else does.

To write all this eases the burden I was feeling at the time, but I know it will be back for me soon.

our marriage ended due to an affair my "husband" was having. Our children were ages 9 and 10 at that time. Their father told me he would always be there for me and the boys (haha) but he couldn't even come to our divorce! I had HIS brother stand up as MY witness.

All he wanted was a younger wife, which he found and married 2 weeks after our divorce (not the same woman he was having the affair with). After he married this woman, his interest in the children became less and less and the child support checks came less frequently. To the point where I was in court with him EVERY month, every month he would say I will do a b c and never did he. He finally abandonned the kids, changed his last name and moved out of town. Fortunately for me he did not move out of state and I was able to track him down. Child Support Enforcement did NOTHING for me, they told ME to find him and then they would collect the money.

In the meantime I remarried, but my new husband could not afford the home my ex had left with me and without my child support and alimoney I lost the house, my car and my credit rating. I was forced to move to a large city, Cleveland, from a rural area and had to put my sons in the public schools. Needless to say the boys were very unhappy, being uprooted from the only home they every knew, all their friends (we were 30 miles away) and not seeing their father. Their father was kind enough to send them birthday and Christmas cards, with nothing in them.

Their father contacted them after a 2 year abscense and upon visiting with their father, came home and told me they wanted to go and live with HIM. On the advice of our clergy, psycologist and our parents I allowed them to do this. Everyone said at their ages (12 & 13) they would make my life a living hell if I made them stay with me. So, not only did this deadbeat father destroy my credit he also took our children. They lived 3 hours away and it was difficult for me to see them. I had to drive down there, visit them (not knowing anyone we had to go to the mall and/or the movies) and then I would return home the same day as my financial situation did not allow me to stay the night.

My sons are now older (21 and 20) and they now know what their father is, but to this day I do not speak to their father. He tried to extract money from me for child support when he makes more than 2x what I make, he also accused me of child abuse and tried to get me to "forgive" his arrearages in lieu of him NOT taking ME to court, all this from a man who forgot about his kids for 2 years.

All I can say is divorce - for kids and usually the wife - sucks. I am fortunate that I have someone in my life now who really loves me, but I would have stayed married to the kids father had he not wanted the divorce. I never wanted my kids to grow up like that. My kids have suffered greatly, neither has a decent job, both were in the service and kicked out, they have no sense of responsibility. I still feel bad that I didn't fight to keep them, they would have been much better off with me and my new husband and they have even said that - in hindsight. I don't know what the solution is but I do know that child support laws ARE moving in the right direction.

My new husband and I have custody of his 3 children ages 11, 12 and 16. He gets along much better with his ex - even though she doesn't want to parent the kids. We have been in counseling with her and the kids to try and get her to make them follow the rules, etc. but it's still the same old thing. They go to "Disney mom's" every other weekend and it's like we have to start all over again when they return. Yes there are rules and consequences in our house. When she first gave up custody she was more involved with the kids but in the last year or so she sees them every other weekend and that's it. I can't believe her total lack of interest in her kids. They are available to her anytime, all she has to do is call but she won't.

can't tell the whole story, but I'm the parent without the 7 year old son. my website at http://community-1.webtv.net/GoldieandTbear/MothersLove/ will tell it all.

I think the courts should spend more time on keeping the child/parent relationship going. Instead of spending time and money on who's getting what and who's paying what they need to work on who's seeing who and when.

When my ex-wife and i seperated, i explained to her, that i wanted to be a large part of my daughters' life. this was not anything new, ever since my daughter was concieved, and we found out that she was pregnant, i have always been very involved. once the seperation had begun, and she had moved out, it has been a constant battle. even once we went to court, and everthing was spelled out, she still would use anything, including my daughter, to try to upset me, and get under my skin. in the divorce hearing, i tried to get joint custody, i really wanted full custody, but my lawyer said that i did not have a chance, due to the fact that in indiana, it is very difficult for the dad to get it. the judge did not award joint custody, because of all the trouble during the seperation. even though, even in court, it was very plain to see that it was her fault that trouble happened, and she was caught in several lies, it did not matter. so, now, months after, i am still having to argue, to get her to do, what the court papers say. and she refuses to allow me to have my phone privilges with my daughter, even though i was given them. it is really sad that a women can get away with using a fathers' love for his daughter, to get back at him. i am planning on trying for full custody, as soon as the time is right, and i have had the chance to prepare. my daughte means the world to me, and i know that her living with me, would be in her best interest. my ex, is not emotionally, or in any other way, stable.

My wife and I separated [the day] she had me convicted of assault and battery for tapping her head with my index finger and telling her to use her brain and quit letting her mother make her decisions or put words in her mouth during an argument.

She then took my son to California thus eliminating my ability financially to exercise my visitation. After several attempts to make arrangements thru her attorney for my December visitation the first year her lawyer stated he had no contact with her, then about two days before I was going to drive to California and take the police to where I believed she was living I get a letter stating that she had left the country from her attorney and moved to American Samoa. This was done without the 30 day advance notice as proclaimed in the custody order thus putting her in contempt. Court thought nothing of it even though I had frustrated over making the arrangements to exercise my visitation and could not. Now it is definitely impossible for me to exercise my visitation.

I have since lost my state position with Child Support Enforcement because I tried to utilize access to find my wife in California to take legal action to keep her from leaving the country when I was tipped off with a rumor.

Now I am finding it hard to find work because of having to answer the question about being convicted of anything and am not able to pay the child support in the amount of 241.00 a month plus 65.00 toward arrears for I only work for 5.15 an hour and make approximately 120.00 a week. Travel arrangements alone to exercise my visitation would be close to 3000.00 a summer. I fear they will try to accuse me of abandonment since I can't exercise my visitation and try to have my parental rights terminated so that I will never be able to see my son again. They don not want me to have anything to do with my son because of difference in religious beliefs. (They belong to one that is looked upon as being based on an occult (JW).

I have tried to have the conviction legally wiped from my record since I never had any kind of conviction before but the court system will not do it. But the court expects me to pay based upon what I was making thinking I can just jump into another high paying position with a record and will not lower the support stating that I am purposefully underemployed. Go figure.

Needless to say, I haven't seen my son in almost two years and probably never will again. I have gotten to where I don't even expect it anymore but I miss him dearly.

A Frustrated Father.  romeo@naxs.net

Any suggestions would be helpful.

In 1994 my ex-wife began accusing me of having affairs. I had always worked with men and at this time I was placed in an office, where I had to work with women. She went through every woman in the office. The last woman to come to work was the last one I was accused of having an affair with and the end of my marriage. My ex-wife tried to call her husband and tell him we were having an affair and when i tried to stop her a scuffle ensued. I was trying to keep her away from the phone and was telling her she was not going to ruin someone elses marriage because she was upset with me. As I was trying to hold her back we slipped to the floor. I finally told her to just go, I was tired of arguing about it. 

I then proceeded to call this other woman and tell her what my ex was trying to do. She first called the police and when they got to our home, I tried to explain what had happened. They said if they were called out to a home that someone had to go to jail and I was the lucky one. Being as I could not afford an attorney, I plead guilty and was fined $250.00. But the worst thing is it is now on my record and is preventing me from getting a good job (it is considered a felony). 

We were living in SC at this time and my ex moved back to her home state of Indiana. Then she moved to Lubbock TX and then to Dallas TX, where she has remained for the past three years. When I try to call my daughter on the phone I am usually told she is not home, in the tub or in bed asleep. I am supposed to get her a week at Christmas and a month in the summer. Every time I have visitation, it is a battle to get my ex to send her. She is responsible for getting her here at Christmas and I am responsible to get her home. I will purchase my ticket and then my ex will say she's not sending her because she can't afford it. I will then try to call and find out that she has flown her to Indiana to see her grandparents. When she does come to visit, my ex calls every day and gets my daughter upset. 

My daughter is 11 years old but has CP, epilepsy and is mildly mentally retarded. She has the mentality of a third grader. She is a very honest child and will repeat everything she hears. She tells me everything her mom says about me, which is a lot of things a child should not hear, even if it were true. She has her so brainwashed that she doesn't believe a word I say. Her mom is getting married this next week and told my daughter that this man will be her new daddy and she won't need me anymore. My daughter is totally confused. I am remarried and my ex tells my daughter lies about my wife (she doesn't even know her), and feeds on the normal jealousy with my step-children, especially my step-daughter. 

I found out this summer that my ex has been leaving my daughter home alone. I tried to get the courts to help me but for some reason everyone believes the children should be with their mothers. I would normally agree but not when she is doing mental damage to my child. She told my daughter, when she was eight years old that I look at dirty magazines, that I lie, that I come from a bad family, etc. I did have a problem with pornography but I got help and have not looked at anything remotely like that in almost five years. All I want is to be able to have a relationship with my daughter. Every time I suggest anything about her to my ex she tells me that I am trying to run her life. I don't care what she does as long as it doesn't affect my daughter negatively. and so far she has done great damage to her. (I took her to see a child psychologist and this was confirmed). I love my daughter and when I divorced her mother, I did NOT divorce my child.

Hi someone made it a bit easy to be a father . after there mother left with them and i sold the house started short visit's with the boy's friday night saturday's to 6pm . We decided ( the kid's & myself ) to stay with the short visit's less time more money . ( our time to party ) I think after 1 year it's become a very good time together . Being every second week gives me time to have a life . ( hope the wife likes babysitting that's why i pay child support )Life was meant ot be easy

My story as a single father begins after I came out to my ex wife as being gay. 

We set a date for separation and I began looking for a place to stay. When I got home one evening, a few days after our agreement, she demanded that I leave the premises immediately. I said I had no where to go. I was sleeping in my art studio (attached to the house at the time). I got concerned as she was very angry and things were moving too fast. I went inside and asked if we could talk. She said that maybe we could talk the next day, but not now. I agreed and went to bed. I then heard sounds from the front of the house. She had packed all my clothes and belongings and thrown them into the rain on the front lawn with a note attached that I was to be off the property by 9.30 the next day. Stupidly, to avoid conflict, I did just that.

She would only allow me to see the children between 10.00 am and 4.00 pm Saturdays. I was never allowed back into the family home.

We arranged to have Family Court counselling about three months after separation. At this initial meeting, she disclosed that she thought that at times I had "inadvertently inappropriately touched" our two youngest children. This was completely new to me. I refused to accept her allegations. In order to assure her to the strength of our daughter, I told of a time when I was sitting with my daughter watching t.v. when (while I was not aware of this) my hand was resting in my daughters lap. I told how my daughter picked up my hand and said "Daad!" and removed it. My ex-wife later used this as an example of my "abuse" of our daughter. Suffice to say that within 12 months, her belief had grown to full blown sexual abuse, complete with the involvement of Human Services. they found no evidence to substantiate her allegations. To the present day, she still believes and tells the story of my "sexual abuse" of our children.

While there are court oders to our co-parenting and joint responsibility for our children, she behaves as though she has sole custody. She has breached court orders in denial of access, as well as several other issues within the orders. the court will do nothing to enforce it's own orders. I do not have the financial base to challenge her in a civil case for breach of orders or contempt of court. To date, after 2.5 years of separation and divorce having been finalised some 12 months ago, she still refuses to come to a reasonable property settlement. I do not spend much time thinking about these issues, as I prefer to concentrate on the future and building as good a relationship with my children as I can. However, sometimes I do get caught out thinking about these things and I can see myself slipping into anger. I then find a way to distract myself, as I believe this is a dead end street which I do not wish to go down. One of my biggest sadnesses is that my 16 year old son has forged a very strong coalition with his mother (and her mother) and as such has not spoken to me for more that 12 months.

Further, I find it difficult that there are so few resources for contact parents to draw on, from counselling, support or legal advice. My continuing grief over the loss of daily contact with my children is generally not acknowledged or allowed to be dealt with in any constructive way.

 I would like it if the Family Court had the power to enforce the orders that it ratifies.

well my story is very long so i will try my best to summarize. First off when I first divorce my ex husband i was in the army and chose to voluntarily give him custody pending when i was released from my term of service after 4 yrs I tried to file a motion for custody. All was ok between me and my ex besides his resentment of me leaving him and divorcing him. until i decided to file for custody by filing for custody he was made aware of the equal parenting aspect and not just him in charge. Well they decided t o leave her with her father in his parents home because thats where she was used to being for so long. Well 4 months after this decision my daughter is in custodial limbo as her father is in prison for 2 yrs for vehicular homicide so we are back at it again but i must submit again to the legal system as his parents have come to confuse themselves with their role as the grandparents and not her parents. He seems to want to make it simple but has stressors of his parents pressuring him constantly and giving their opinions as he is not the assertive type but his parents are. Well in this process my daughter goes through a lot. Now whats wrong with the legal system here? as I have never been found unfit to say at least as far as I am aware.

My children live with their father, I gave them up. I was extremely traumatised by my marriage breakdown and other things that happened after the breakdown. I had the children for the first 18 months but felt unable to provide them with the emotional support they needed and therefore handed them over to their father. I have no support from my own family, rather my father supported my ex-husband. Access to my children has been an uphill battle ever since. This due to the fact that my ex does not like my current partner of 5 years and also due to me not wanting to return to the fold, so to speak. We, my partner and I, have had many problems over the years due to bad legal advise and inadequate support. This has also caused an immense amount of strain on our relationship that needn't have occured. I am currently seeking further legal advice as my ex has again denied me access. 

I wish that things could have been different, that my ex and I could have at least been friends for the sake of the children. I myself am the product of a broken marriage and know how hard it can be on the child if one parent hates the other. I did not want this for my children and I can see the effect it already is having on them. My daughter is extremely intelligent and as far as school is concerned seems to be coping well. It is on other levels such as behavioural levels that I can see how this is effecting her. My son is much more open in his reaction to all this, rebelliousness, anger, bed-wetting. Family law needs stop trying to generalise the law and look at each case individually and as much as possible, involve the children in the proceedings. They have a say in this too.

For nearly 10 years, from the time my daughter was a year old till she was 11, I had a flexible 50/50 joint custody arrangement with her mother. Initially, it was stormy, with her demanding full custody, but with the assistance of a very good mediator, we were able to change the focus from our differences to what we wanted for our daughter, namely to be loved, to be well educated, to be healthy, and to have a good life. This we could agree on, and from there it was easier to arrange schedules for daily life, holidays, schooling and so on. My daughter spent nearly half of her time at each house. She traveled between them 2 or 3 times a week. She grew and prospered and was loved and loved each parent. She didn't see us fight. She excelled in school. I was delighted.

As time went on, my ex and I became good friends again. I was even invited to her re-marriage wedding reception! However, a difference between us and our views on how to raise our daughter arose in my daughter's 11th year that upset the friendship and resulted in a court battle which severed all contact between me and my daughter. 

I had long suspected my ex of being hypochondriacal, witnessing a long series of negative exploratory surgeries and fruitless treatments for suspected illnesses. She gradually complained of worse and worse symptoms, none of which was ever identified as other than 'pain' or 'tiredness.' She gradually moved from bed-rest to a walker to a wheelchair (at 32 years age), diagnosed as chronic fatigue immunodeficiency fibromyalgia syndrome, a "disease" for which there is no known cause, no symptoms other than pain, and no known cure... in other words perfect for someone who is actually suffering from hypochondriasis. 

As I was no longer her husband, I considered this none of my business and made no issue of it. Then, I discovered, much to my dismay, that my daughter was being involved in medical treatments without my being informed. For instance, my daughter had been rushed to emergency hospital for what turned out to be mosquito bites, she was being prescribed drugs without my knowledge (and told by her mother to take them at my house behind my back), and she had also been taken to the emergency for dislocated joints when there were none. 

One night, when my daughter was at her mother's, I received a call from her mother telling me that my daughter had severe strep throat, had been exposed to a neigbor's boy who had come down with Scarlet Fever, and was in a life-critical condition. She further said that she had been in contact with the emergency advice nurse and had been told to monitor her condition thru the night and to rush to emergency at any sign of change. The next day, I went there as quickly as possible, only to find my ex was asleep in her bed, and my daugher was up and watching TV. She had no fever, no sore throat, no sniffles, no cough.... nothing !! The following day, I asked my ex for arbitration, per our divorce settlement agreement, on this question. The day after that, she filed emergency charges with the court, without informing me of the hearing, and obtained a restraining order removing me from custody, by alleging I was suicidal/homocidal and a danger to my daughter's safety and life. 

I've never been alone with my daughter again. I have not even seen her in 3 years, nor heard her voice on the telephone. I have received exactly 4 letters in response to the hundred or so cards and letters I have sent. I have spent my every penny on attorneys, mediators, psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, and supervisors, all to no avail. The $32,000 in child support and private school tuition I had paid directly to her mother (instead of thru the District Attorney) was re-billed by the DA and collected, despite cancelled checks and other proofs. 

I will never forgive the courts nor the state I live in for doing this. I do, however, forgive her mother, as, in my opinion, she does suffer from hypochondriasis (which is treatable, if admitted, being like many obsessive/compulsive disorders), and acted under the influence of that disorder. I also forgive my daughter, as it was plain that the court asked her to choose, not both, but one or the other, and instinctively knowing, even at age 11, that I was stronger, that her mother was fragile, needed to do the right thing and allow the parent best able to take the pain be the one to suffer. What a cruel thing to do to a child! 

What a stupid system! The courts whitewash their every evil deed with the phrase "the best interest of the child(ren)". I have seen it again and again while waiting for my case to be called. To any objective person, it must become clear that the court's job is to support the bureaucratic industry that has grown up around the inability of our society to provide joint but separated parents to have meaningful dispute resolution. I have been told that this industry, with all its lawyers and counselors and 'mental-health' workers, generates $30-40 billion a year in "the best interest of the child(ren)". Shame on them all.

I had been living and working in a small remote mining town in Northern Australia. Our marriage had been poor for about 6 months, when I found out the she was having an affair. When confronted, she said that she was leaving, and moved out 3 weeks later. We had agreed on a 50/50 property settlement and she received full payment prior to her leaving the remote mining town. We had agreed that we would both live in Brisbane, but she flew back to her hometown on the other side of the country, with the 2 kids. Child support was invoked by the government agency as she was claiming a benefit prior to working which came to almost 40% of my after tax income. The Child support payments were deducted by my employer prior to paying me. True to her word she came to Brisbane and rented a house with her boyfriend. I managed to get a job with my employer in Brisbane, and moved down to a suburb about 3km from my ex. 

I made a goal to sort out everything for the kids best interest, while only paying reasonable amounts for child support and maintaining a working relationship with my ex. A tough ask. I consulted with a family court lawyer and used their advice to organise a plan. I initiated ‘consent orders’ whereby both parents agree on the outcomes i.e.: property division (already settled) & children (residence & contact, family name etc). This was stamped by the court, and then I proceeded with filing for divorce. It was by mutual agreement so did not require a court hearing and proceeded quite quickly. During this process, my ex and I maintained good relations. We swapped weekends with the kids when work or other situations required; she even came into my house for coffee a couple of times. However changing the Child support payments was clearly going to cause friction, apart from being difficult to achieve. 

In the end, I made some investment decisions that had a significant knock-on effect onto the child support payments, effectively halving them. After having lunch together, my ex and I agreed to put in place a ‘contract’ for child support payments that would last until the kids turned 18. This contract payment was at the ‘new’ child support payment level. We wrote up the contract on the appropriate child support agency form and had it processed. 

So after about 18 months I have fully achieved my goal. I see the kids regularly every second weekend (Friday night to Monday morning) do weekend swaps when necessary, and speak to then by telephone a few times a week. I maintain a cordial relationship with my ex, we speak on the telephone once or twice a week, and never argue in front of the kids. We still have some disagreements (schooling is one yet to be resolved) but continue to work together for the kids sake. Financially, we are now both secure in the payment schedule, so that things work very smoothly. 

In conclusion, I believe that because the parents maintained a sensible and working relationship (despite the hurt felt by me) that we have achieved the best possible outcome for the children post divorce. All of the financial side is clear, and we are free to progress our lives. Emotionally, I have moved on from my marriage and fully accept what has happened. I now describe myself as ‘happily divorced’! I recommend a sensible approach to divorce, with a long term plan in place. There is no room for ‘hatchets’ if children are to be insulated as much as possible from parental divorce.

Reading through the "Residential Parents" comments as a INTERIM NC mother, I noticed that the majority of complaining was because the NCP didnt visit, didnt want to visit, didnt pay child support(called maintenance in Australia) sounds like something youd do to the house, and basically didnt give a crap about the children. Well, I have a question for everyone...what about the mothers/fathers who do want to see their child/ren? I am a 30 year old separated mum who is trying to see my son WITHOUT MY EX-HUSBAND STILL THERE WATCHING MY EVERY MOVE! He knows that I love my little boy dearly yet still insists on being there for the VISITS!!!!!!! You know what this does to me? It makes me feel sick...I cant relax entirely with my little boy and my husband sits there taking my son and my time together away! I am paying maintenance while my husband has quit his job and gone onto single parents pension. He has really worked it all out. I dont see the maintenance as a problem as it is for my little boy and I would give my baby my last dollar if it would help him , but its my hauband that makes things so difficult. I take time off work and ask my husband can I see more of my son during my 2 week holiday and he says "NO, IM BUSY" Busy with what?????? He just couldnt be bothered and the RESIDENTIAL PARENTS who do make it difficult for the NR parents should take a course in "Be fair". For those parents who really are JUST TRYING TO GET BACK AT THEIR EX "WAKE UP TO YOURSELVES AND THINK ABOUT THE CHILD/REN ONLY". Put yourself in the NCP place and try to summon up how it would feel! 

Please anyone who can help me understand why custodial parents and their family do this, please let me know. Lonesome mum.

We got separated when our son was only two (2) years old. I don't think he remembers much of being in a complete family. Society here in the Phil generally think that this is good (separation when he was only 2) because our son was, at his age, still unable to comprehend family life.

Today he feels that a Dad is a weekend person. I always make it a point to keep regular contact and make use of my weekend (sunday halfday) visitation rights. My job being in a different island camouflages in a way the fact that he has separated parents. We have now been separated for a longer time than we were together. My wife has custody of our son. We both have good jobs. Support and visitation rights have been agreed on in court. Our marriage has not yet been annuled (divorce Phils style). 

My difficulty is how to tell him that his parents are separated. Psychologists tell us that the best formula is for us parents to be friends i.e. communicate with each other on our son's needs; be a sport when we bump into each other in a mall etc. This is easier said than done. If we could communicate --- we wouldn't have been separated! I know that what they mean is that us separated parents should show the same attitude and emotional balance Robin Williams and his ex-wife had in "Mrs. Doubtfire". I agree. But can you find a step by step book on how to achieve this? 

 I am a non-custodial mother of 17 year old twins. Their Father is a good man who does a good job of raising them. We separated when they were about 12, I have always had a problem with depression/alchol and have been an emotionally distant parent. I have always done the right things with regards to the kids. I have taken them to the doctor, bought school clothes, supplies and cooked supper done the laundry and put them to bed. But I always had to have a beer or two to get through the night. I had untreated depression for many years and was easily irritated or upset, especially without the beer to take the edge off. I married their Dad without knowing him well, he was always a good and emotionally loving father and a good disciplinarian but we were ill suited as a married couple. I finally needed to get off on my own or go out of my mind. It was not his fault he made me too nervous. We tried to each take a child and I was such a poor parent and a bad example to my daughter. I caught her in a lie about stealing something from someone she babysat for, she got mad and went to her Dads. I told her she needed to quit running back and forth and playing us against each other. She ended up staying with her dad.

 We have had some rough moments but overall her Dad does a good job. I Miss my kids and love them with all my heart. I have alot of guilt about my poor role as a mother but I do love them enough to let them be parented by the better one. They have a stepmother who does a good job. It is hard to take the judgement that comes from other Mothers who say how can you stand to be away from your kids?? What kind of Mother are You?? If they only knew how hard it is to take the leftovers? I have always paid child support 1/4 of my bring home pay. I also help with medical expenses and give the kids an allowance. I hope this information helps. thanks for listening. 

 My ex and I have differing views on the kids. She is a good parent, but she uses the kids as a weapon against me. Since I am supposed to have reasonable visitation, she uses the vagueness of the phrase to set the terms. We have been flexible throughout the divorce, but lately, as I have become a factor in their lives, she has restricted my access to them.

 We live in the same town. For the first year and a half of our separation/divorce, I lived an hour south of them, with a friend. When it became economically feasible, I moved back to the same town she and the kids were in. I found a three bedroom flat so each of the kids could have their own room. The kids helped redo their own rooms. My daughter picked her own colors and her friend helped her lay the tile in her room. My son chose a space shuttle mural to accentuate his room. This has helped the kids really identify their rooms as their own.

 At my ex's whim, the days I saw the kids changed. I would ask for X days and she would allow Y. For the last six months, my daughter has been living with me four nights a week. Her school band had the opportunity to go to Virgina Beach for a band competition. Even though I pay over $300 a week in support, my ex told her that she could not afford the $375 for the trip. I paid for my daughter's trip.

 I was laid off last year for a while. During that time, my ex agreed to accept lower support payments. In December, she went to the state and claimed that I was behind on my support. The state then began withholding $400 a week for current and "past due" support. When I confronted her about it, she claimed it was due her. Over the last months, she has reduced my time with the kids while the state bleeds me dry. I appealed the case, and lost. I went to court yesterday to overturn the decision. It will take about a month to get a hearing date, and that's on the fast track. If I lose, I will be forced to file bankruptcy. I will lose the strides I have made working two and three jobs to rebuild my life.

 Well, thank you for allowing me to vent. The timeliness of your questionnaire has helped me focus. 

 While I was going through a business failure I had a bout with depression...This is why my wife divorced me...In the State of Indiana, it is almost impossible for a man to get custody, even though I raised my daugher for the firt year, because my ex was having problems, and still does.. The only reason she wants custody, is so I dont. Sounds like kinda childish, but thats my ex. However, I see my daughter alot, due to my ex wifes work schedule...The only real problem I have is that on the day of our court hearing, when the support was established I lost my job. My support is more then half of my take home pay. I cant get a second job, because I have to take care of my daughter every weekend, and I wouldnt want it any other way. But even though I am no dead beat dad, because of the dead beats the courts are down on everyone. So even though I now have to live in a slum, and cant usualy afford to eat more then once a day, and cant affod to pay my gas bill, (cold showers suck) the courts could care less. If my ex didnt already make more money then me it wouldnt be so bad. But now I no longer make 60,000 a year, only about 25K. My ex makes 40k, plus gets 13,500 out of me, and gets the tax credits... When I have my daughter my ex will not even feed her breakfast in the morning, she puts it on me to take her out. which I cant afford to do, or even keep food at home to feed her. Thats all the complaining I got.. Hope it helps someone even though I have no advice, just a story. 

 Well its been a long haul. I presently have my daughter with me and my oldest son lives with my parents (he has add) My other son now lives with his dad for 1 yr.My access is 1 time a week,and every other weekend. But my ex husband thinks he can still control me and therefore TRIES TO SCREW WITH MY ACCESS! I need some tips on how to deal with him! HELP PLEASE!!!!!! 

PLEASE SOMEONE SEND ME A LETTER IN MY E-mail which is 232334@excite.com

 My ex-wife took my three children to Tassie as about 2 years ago as we had decided to move there. This decision was made due to the fact that my ex-wife was always on at me about moving there as that is where she grew up. The plan was that she would get the children settled into school and I would stay in WA and sell the house then meet her over there. I had, and still have a good job ... for about 16 years now. My ex had already left me and gone to Tassie twice over the last 5 years then changed her mind after about 3 months each time. After she had been in Tassie for about 2 weeks she told me not to bother going to Tassie as she no longer wanted to be with me. By the time I got to see a soliciter they said that as she had already got the children into school that it would be unlikely that the court would make them come back. At this point I was felt that there was nothing that I could do.

 ...About twelve months ago I got engaged to a Christian girl and the next day my ex rang me and said that she was going to kill herself and she wanted me to take the children. I even have a taped phone conversation of this. The next day she changed her mind even though I had made all the arrangements. Two days later I had a phone call from my eldest boy who told me that his mum asked him to callme and to ask me to come and get them all and bring them back to WA, she was to drunk to talk to me herself. I went to tassie and met with Child welfare before going to Flinders. When I arrived on Flinders she told me that she had changed her mind and that there was nothing wrong. She said that My oldest boy would be going back with me. After I arrived back In WA my son told me about a few things that had been going on. After this I took the tape to court and was told to go and collect the children and she was not to be notified until I arrived with the police as they were worried about the childrens welfare. I did this and of course she was in total disbelief. 

I had the children back in WA for about 2 months before the custody case started. After a couple of hearings I was told that the final orders hearing was to be moved to From Bunbury WA to Hobart Tassie. I was also told that I would win the case but it would cost about another $25000.00 even though it had already cost me $15000.00. After getting a valuation on all my belongings I realised that I couldn't get anywhere close to that amount and so the childred went back to there mum. Since they went back I have not seen them (11 months) and their mum will not put them on the plane as she said that it upsets them to much.

If you know the name of any organisation that may be able to help me could you please let me know as I would like to see my children. 

After I left my wife, we had an agreement that I would be a part of the kids life. She told me that she would never stop me from seeing my three kids.

 I was able to ring the kids twice a week and have them every second weekend from Friday afternoon till Sunday afternoon. This was working out just fine for about 12 months. 

It all went sour after I found myself another girlfriend. At first my exwife was cool about it, but then when things started to get really serious between myself and my new girlfriend, that's when thing went nasty.

 It all started about 4 weeks before my youngest sons 3rd birthday. I rang my exwife up to find out when I was able to have him on his birthday. She told me that they were busy for the next three weeks so I wasn't able to see him, then she hung up on me. I tried to ring her back so as we could resolve the matter, but she wouldn't answere the phone. I left messages on her machine over the next 12 hours for her to ring me. I left 12 messages all together.

 I had an intervention order out on me at the time ( for reasons known only to herself) but on that order, I was able to ring up if it was about the kids. She took the tape from the machine down to her local police station and had me charged with harrasment. She then changed the order to say that I was unable to ring her at all, then she changed her phone number and made it silent.

 I had to go to court over the matter and got a fine for $500 dollars.

 I was not happy as I was ringing up about the kids so in my view, I didn't break the intervention order.

 All this happened 12 months ago. Since then I have not seen or heard from my three kids.

 It is breaking my heart at the moment. At times I get really down about it, but there is nothing I can do. I am busy trying to save up to take her to court, but that is not cheap.

 I feel that I shouldn't have to pay child support, I mean, why pay for something that I dont get? It's like going to the supermarket, giving the checkout person $200 and just walking out the door again.

 The law really sucks on matters like this. My family are too scared to say anything to her, incase she stops them from being able to see the kids aswell.

 My mother told me that at Christmas time, my daughter said to her that she wanted to see her dad (me). As soon as she said that, my exwife dragged her into the kitchen and told her off. That really pissed me off when my mother told me that, the poor kid got into trouble because she misses her dad. It's wrong.

 Tell me what to do have paid my support all the time I was to pay except when I had one child and she had one...things were fine till the one went back to live with her ...she then took me to court saying I never paid...but did while she lived in Indiana...but when I got remarried I moved and that's when the whole mess started have been cleared here in Ga and also through her state ...which is Wash where she claimed and filed ...she has now turned around and filed in the state we were divorced at say again never paid support and has filed this 4 differant times under 3 differant names...what am I to do and how can I stop this......Please HELP 

 Actually, let me first say thanks to you for allowing me to use this medium to express what I consider as 'one of the most complicated experience of my life. I am presently 29 yeats old and my son is my first child.

 The 'story of my biggest, most wonderful mistake' is what I call my situation. This is so because i quess like thousands of other persons, I never thought that I would have ever been a single parent. I thought that making love for the first time in my life , with my fiance at age 25 would have been enough to protect me from what I term this crisis.

 My ex- fiance i found out was busy making another child with another woman who shared the same birthdate as myself. The two boys are now only six months apart in age.

 This experience for the most part has shaped my relationship with my baby. I looked at him everyday with opology. I wish I could have formed another family for him to grow up in. I wish everyday that he could have had the same experiences I had,being brought with married parents. For the most part I am regretting my single parent life.

 This single parenthood had not been a matter of choice or through legal custody, but rather from the inability of his father to establish a home for himself or his other child.

 Financially my son is taken care of,as we are both University graduates and have managed to get good jobs. The major expenses are taken care of by me.

 For the most part however I feel cheated on, my child has not been given a fair chance to a well-balaced childhood. I quitted Law School to care for him.

 His father for the most doesnt appear to be any more stable.Basically I have to settled with coping with the demands of my three year old and hopes that with more exposure to studies like this I will be able to understand myself as a single parent and move on to a more rewarding and productive life. 

 I left him for (cheating, being to controling, and he had us liveing with his mom and dad when my first daughter was born and the trailer was full of cockroaches,and we had got to fighting instead of talking.)

when I left I had my first daughter (2months old) and I was pregent with my second daughter.At first I had the girls and he had vistition and he was still very controling. And the child suport he payed was $60.00 a week.and we were in and out of court all the time. Then my family got in to it and it only got worse.Then he got custody and then him and my mother talked me into going back with him so we went back together for the girls.

 By this time my family was in it and so was his and things only got worse. By the time I went back to him I had one daughter that was one year old and the I had just had my other daughter and was realy over welmed by eveything that had happened and everything that was still happening.And my mom talked me in to leaveing him again but this time I left the State...with the girls( knowing now that was the wrong way to handle things, but at the time I was trying to do what ever I could to stop the fighting and stuff that was going on, 

I took the girls and went to Florida.The girls and I were in Florida for about two years and he came and got them from me and stuff realy got ugly after that alot worse. now he has custody and he took me too court again this time he took my Parental Rights and his new wife decided that she wanted to adopt the girls so that she did not have to deal with me.

Now I live every day with out my daughters and dealing with not being able to see or talk to them. I still send letters and cards and stuff but I don't know if they get them. I talked to his mom and dad since it all happend and the story goes. Their new stepmom does not allow my name to be said in the house and she is very strick on the girls. And to this day I am not allowed to see them or speak to them. And it is the hardest times of my life now. The girls are 11 and 12 yrs old now and his mom and dad and family say that the girls still ask about me and wounder why I don't come around or call . so I know it is not easy on them.

 I would do anything to change the things that have happend but you can't go back in time. And I don't know if there is any way I could get it back in to court. Because I would do anything to stop all the pain. Why does it have to be so ugly? The girls are hurting more now and I can't fix it. 

It would realy help if some one would tell me how I'm suppose to live thought this mess I've made. If you know of some one that can help please e-mail me at 1pebbles@bellsouth.net. Because it only gets harder to live with as the years go by and I don't know how much longer I can live like this. It's the worse kind of hell you can be in. The WORST KIND OF HELL.

 ... I have raised my daughter alone from day one. Her father really does not have anything to do with her. She is 4 years old and has never received one single present from him. She does not know that he is her father although she does know him. I wish not to tell her about him as her father because I think that he is not responsible enough to even spend one minute with her alone. He very rarely pays any support. Maybe once a year. The only time he wants anything to do with her is when he is alone and does not have a girlfriend to keep him company. Then he tries to get visitation to see her. As soon as he finds a girl, he leaves me and our daughter alone... 

 It would be fair to say that my behavior during the last year of the marriage had become difficult, even at times belligerent, but never with any expression of malice toward any member of my family. My attitude was borne of frustration. Things were happening within the family which I did not then understand. I was becoming the subject of jibes, sarcasim, and critisisms from the wife and mother-in-law, with such comments being accompanied with smirks or laughter, and even expressed in front of the children. More annoying however were the obstacles that the wife continually placed between me and regular family activies. I began to feel like a tenant in my own home. My function within the household was that of a workhorse, rather than a breadwinner, and my wifes' attitude toward me was becoming more and more resentfull (, and so too was that of my 16yo step-daughter,). I had never mistreated any member of my family, never manhadled them or threatened them. I had never been unfaithful to my wife, and she would have known that. I never spent time away from my family except in the course of my job. I am not trying to say that I am a Saint, or a person without fault or flaws of character, but what was about to happen was out of all proportion to whatever my contributions to the failure of the marriage may have been.

I was dumb and foolish enough to believe that my wife was overwrought; maintaining the household and family during the day, and working "night-fill" of an evening. With her consent I was organising a holiday for the family at the time of separation. I came home to find that litter had been dumped on the front lawn, there was rubbish in the back yard and in the carport. The house itself had otherwise been pretty well picked clean. They (the wife and mother-in-law and perhaps also the step-daughter) had taken just about everything except the whitegoods, the matrimonial bed, some cutlery, table and chairs, and the Wedding Photo. Otherwise everything, and every item of family memoribilia was gone.

 For a time I thought that this had occurred because I had spent too much time at work. I was working a very demanding job which involved a lot of afterhours, weekend, public holidays stuff. No overtime pay, no leave-in-lieu, and not an especially good rate of pay. I hated the job and would have quit it, but the wife insisted I stay and I did. Conditions at work were very rough. All of my collegues eventually quit, got the sack, or were made redundant. The usual stuff involved in corporate takeovers. I stuck it out for the sake of the family's economic survival, and even managed to get a small payrise. When I got home I kind of thought I had survived my job, but at the expense of my family, but I immediately realised that my wife had done exactly the same thing in the case of her former husband: this was repeat behaviour. In spite of the shock, I kind of knew that I was in for a bad time.

 I later discovered the finacial mess. The bank manager called me in to look at a document I had never seen before, a $20.000 personal loan taken out in my name. He had found that the signature was not the same as on all my other documents. There was $7200 missing from the $10,000 which had been provided to us from my mothers' last-will-and-testament. She had cancelled the house insurance four years ago and the contents insurance lapsed two years previously. When I figured out our budget I realised that even being very generous, there was $13,500pa missing from the nett family income. I had to buy up old bank records (I hadn't seen a bank statement in the house for years). I discovered that, not only had my income tax returns been disappearing, but so had other curious amounts (neat sums like $300.00) which turned out to be Christmas and Birthday gifts which my father had mailed to me and had been presumably placed into the bank account for temporary convenience. On one occassion she had asked me to cash up 15 days recreational leave to fund a holiday for the family. I duly did so, but we never went on that holiday. My regular fortninghtly pay plus 15 days leave loading and her pay, a total of $3400.00 disappeared in less than ten days!

 You might suppose she was doing something extravagant with the money, but there was no boyfrend, she bought very little clothing, we lived very frugally, we had not been on a holiday for seven years, and neither of us had hobbies or gambled. There were no lavish gifts and no credit cards to pay off, just the mortgage on the house and a regular family car. There was nothing in the house, and nothing in the bank, that would balance our fairly spartan lifestyle with our reasonable good combined nett income.

 I also learned that her former "deadbeat" husband, had in fact been paying child maintenance all these years. My wife and mother-in-law, had led me to believe otherwise, not that I cared, but I was horrified to learn that whilst we were married she had been fighting him in the Family Court to get payments for a period of time when he was on sickness benefits due a (genuine) broken hip.

 There was lots other stuff too. Too much to mention. I was slow, it took me 4 months to wake up to the mail re-direction. I lost solicitors letters, Bank statements and whatever else to her. I almost had the electricity supply disconnected due to non-payment of the bill...

 ... My daughter and I get on just fine, for the time being, but I remember the brainwashing that went on in the case of my step-daughter. The many years of interference that mum and mother-in-law placed in the path of the previous husband in his attempts to maintain contact and a relationship with his daughter. The net result today is that their relationship is dead. The step-daughter hates him for no particular reason, and he's given up. On my first supervised contact meeting with her my daughter she told me about the recurring nightmares she'd had recently. I saw the bloodshot eyes, and I later saw the developement of mouth ulcers, and boils on her leg that wouldn't heal. She told me, and I now know it to be true, that she feels sick in the stomach, every day.

 I am careful of every thing I do. I get simple one word answers from my daughter whenever I place a telephone call to her (, if I manage to get through in the first place). I am well aware that the mum, sis and grandma, enter the room whenever I'm talking to her on the telephone. I know that all of my gift's will be openly scrutinized and denegrated. This is what happened in the case of my step-daughter. I am aware that that everything I do and say can be a cause of stress or trauma to her. She had spent three years taking violin lessons. Mum has now stopped that 'cause I tried to get the Courts to OK me taking her to and from these lessons (and paying for them) each Saturday morning.

 Stupid!

 I've got makeup-time due this Friday evening, but I'm only getting that because I brought my solicitor into the picture to straighten it out her interference to my previous contact visit. I'll stick with my girl for as long as I can, but it is becoming very expensive and very difficult to maintain this relationship. I reckon there's another four years in our relationship; tops. My finances will expire shortly, and even though my daughter enjoys being with me I know that the "build-up" to a pending visit, and the post-visit interrogations are becoming a burden to her. I saw all of that happen to my step-daughter too. It's an altogether effortless thing for mum to interfere with our contact and ruin the relationship....and there's no Family Court penalty for doing so.

 Section 68F only goes so far. It's all tied up with the with this altruistic sentiment that in a separation the Courts' determinations are based upon "the best interests of the child" etc. If my interpretation of this article is correct, it includes the child has the right to both parents, but as a practicle result the Law really only addresses the immediate physical, financial, and mechanical aspects of the childs' upbringing, and does so on the basis of the primary carers' wishes. From that point on many things go wrong. The Court should look closely at their own Law and assume from the outset that the child immediately has 50/50 of everything in a separation, both parents and property. It should be up to the parents to PROVE that contact time or property should be divided otherwise.

 There is no mechanism for policing Court Orders, or for redressing breaches of Court Orders prompty. Worst of all there are no penalties whatsoever for breaches of non-financial Orders. This is one thing that should be put right... 

 My children are close to being young adults. We were divorced 10 years ago and the effects of the divorce are still apparent. My son does not want to go through his graduation ceremony because his father is uncomfortable being around my parents.

I am also an elementary school counselor. Daily i see the effects of divorce on children. Twenty eight children transferred into our school since January. More than half come from families of divorce. They have nothing good to say about divorce. Children are resilient. That doesn't mean that the effects of divorce are silent. 

I love my children dearly.

 I live in a small two bedroom apartment so the children have their own bedroom. I have paid child support for two years now of $1200.00/month. I have requested joint custody of the children and their mother has refused, so we are headed for the Supreme Court in June.

The children's mother continually restricts my access to my children, with the statement that as the prime care giver she will decide what is best for the children. She has restricted my holiday time with my children and only given in when I have agreed to change my holiday plans to suit her. She is constantly abusive to me in front of the children during pick-up times, until I told her that I am carrying a pocket tape recorder to record her statements. For the moment this has limited her abuse. 

My oldest daughter has been told many distortions of the truth by her mother and therefore is very confused about why the relationship broke down. I try to have meaningful discussion with my oldest daughter so that she can see both sides to this sad story, but am always aware that she is only nine years old and shouldn't have to carry such a burden. My access to the children is as follows; 
Tuesday & Thursday mornings-walk to school and daycare 
Tuesday & Thursday evenings-until 7:00 pm 
Every other weekend - Sat @ 9:00am to Sun @ 7:00pm 
On their mothers weekend - Fri 3:00pm to Sat 9:00am 

This is not enough!!!!!! I believe I deserve half of my children's time. 

All I want is to be the best father I can to my children and to be left alone by their mother. I have found the legal system VERY biased towards the father, and do not hold much hope of ever getting what should be my right-"EQUAL ACCESS" and "JOINT RESIDENCY". But I am going to court anyway. I have no money for lawyers so I will represent myself. One day I will tell my children that I did everything I could to be as much a part of their lives as possible. My commitment to them and to myself is to make every moment with my children a rich and fulfilling experience. 

This is going to be hard to believe but my ex and I get along great. We have had a few rough times, especially at the beginning but nothing really bad... She hired a lawyer that gave us information, and together we decided support and visitation issues...

...[State] law requires support to be held out of my pay and sent to the court, who would then send it to her. We both felt this was demoralizing to me and made me feel like I was irresponsible. She successfully convinced the judge to let me pay her direct... She receives the support quicker from me than she would from the court. In over 8 years I have never missed a payment...

Actually utilizing the visitation...is sometimes difficult...[Being in the Army,] I was ordered to Germany for a 2 year tour. That was the first time I took [Son] out of [town] by myself. I took a months vacation and took [Son] back to [home state] to visit my family. My ex encouraged it and had no problems with it. Arriving in Germany afterwards was difficult. I was just getting used to seeing [Son] on weekends and now I wasn't seeing him at all. I was severely depressed and had a difficult time with it. I was almost to the point of losing all contact with him, rather than go throught the pain of talking to him and hearing him cry cause I couldn't come see him. I'm still not sure what kept me going. 

The next time I wanted visitation was difficult though. My ex was very resistant. My mother was going to fly to [ex's state], pick him up, and fly to Germany with [Son]. He was supposed to spend his 3rd Birthday with me. My ex started fighting and saying he was too young to be that far away. She also said [Son] didn't know me anymore, and we needed to wait until he was older. I told her the more we waited the less he would know me, and that the sooner I saw him the better. To be fair to her, she wanted me to see him, but not very many mothers of young children are going to like seeing their child fly overseas, especially when they have been providing primary care for so long. She was concerned about how well I would care for him etc. It was not dislike for me, but her love for [Son] that made it difficult for her. After a few arguments, all of a sudden, one day she asked me what date my Mom was picking him up, and she never hesitated about sending him. I'm not sure what brought about the change, but it happened... 

[Some time later]...I was once again stationed in...the same city as my son. I had not lived there in 7 years, and had only lived with summer visitation. I wasn't sure how the weekend stuff would work. My ex had remarried, had another kid, and they are always doing something on the weekends. It has been great. Sometimes we don't do the every other weekend stuff, her family might have plans, or an Army mission interferes with my weekends. We just call the other parent and make arrangements to change weekends, I might have him 2 weekends in a row, and then her 2. We both try to consider the whole situation. We also ask [Son] what he wants to do, one time he decided not to go out of town with his Mom, and came to my place instead...

...[Son] played softball last summer in a league, his Mom and I attended every game. He even mentioned it. He said "Dad, you and Mom are at every game, and you're divorced. Some of the kids never have anyone at the game, and their parents are married". What we are doing is right for [Son].

I don't want to give the impression that I like this situation. I don't. I don't like the fact that his step-father spends more time with him than I do. I don't like all the things I missed during the seven years I was stationed elsewhere. But my personal feelings have nothing to do with what is best for [Son]. He needs to see that both parents love him, and are there for him... 

After 10 years of marriage I realized that my husband was not going to stop drinking no matter what and also that he was a workman's compensation junkie. I finally had the courage to tell him to move out. While we were separated our son S then 8 years old would spend a week with his dad and then a week with me. It was actually working out. After a year of separation and my ex not exhibiting any desire to reconcile I filed for divorce. We both requested sharing custody as we had been. The Florida court felt that it was not in the best interest of the child to have that arrangement. 

My ex told the court that I had abandoned him and S in the state of Virginia when I actually went to visit my daughter and granddaughter in Florida and to shop for a home...I was devastated when the court awarded him custody based on a blatant lie. [Six months after the divorce] he left the state with S. He did not tell me he was moving. My son told me two days before they took off in the U-haul. They went to live with my ex's mother so he said they could be with family. Two months after he moved to his mothers he moved two hours south to another town to co-habitate with a woman I later found out after he moved out of her place in May the following year that she was a lush and that S was quite traumatized by the ordeal. I told him I want S to come visit over the Christmas holiday. He told me it was not in S's best interests to visit me. So I retained an attorney to enforce visitation. I was given the usual visitation for out of state which was first half of Christmas one year 2nd half of Christmas the next , every other thanksgiving , Easter break and 5 weeks during the summer. S came the second half of Christmas holiday and I took him the Disney World, come Easter I could not afford to fly him down or take off from work. 

I decided to sell [my house and move states] to be near S... I took S to Italy with me and my niece ... to visit [relatives] for a few weeks. When we got back my ex and I got together and were trying to see if we could reconcile... by the new year my ex dumped me for a woman he met at work and started sleeping with her- my son verified that by explaining to me that he couldn't get any sleep because of the sounds in the night and he wanted to know why dad liked sex so much. S's grades started falling rapidly in school and he was disrupting his classroom by what his teacher called inappropriate behavior. I suggested to my ex that he see a child psychologist for divorce is traumatic enough let along a second round of separation.

 well we have been fighting like hell ever since. He objects to everything I try to do for S does not contribute his health insurance to the counciling tells me that i cannot pick him up from school tells me to go back where i came from does not let me know about S's activities. treats me with hate and contempt tells me he does not love this woman in his life but spends every weekend with her when he has S and when he doesn't. He is allowing me to see him every other weekend. the girlfriend has a six year old daughter and he has set up my visits with S to coincide with her visitation schedule i asked him to set up an agreement for the holidays now so when the time comes we all understand what we can expect. He refused. .. 

my ex is more hateful then ever he is nearly in a rage I have pleaded with him to try to be as amicable as possible because S is so torn. S has told me he doesn't know who to believe. I have thought that maybe my being here is doing more harm than good for S. but S does not want me to leave town. I wish I could read his mind He decided to stop going to counciling said he had nothing more to say to the doctor. I feel my son has a lot of pent-up anger. and in light of what is happening to some of our youth. it frightens me because S does not have anyone to talk to. before you know it he will be a teen. and most people realize that is when they begin to voice their feelings whatever they may be. 

I'm also concerned because his Dad will leave him alone for hours at a time without adult supervision. I asked S what he would do if a stranger tried to get in the house when he was alone he told me he would get the gun and blow him away. I told the guardian ad litem about my concerns he told me there was nothing he could do unless I was fighting for custody. I'm really torn because I don't want to put S through that. I told the guidance councilor at his school about S being left alone he told me I could call the Child Protection agency but they probable wouldn't do anything. He explained that maybe if S were 6 or 7. How old must a child be to be mature enough to be responsible for himself? My attorney doesn't seem to have an answer I'm checking with the [state] Commission on Youth to see how they respond. 

I continue to pray to God to protect S and keep him okay during this nightmare. What if anything can be done to resolve this matter. My faith in God is all I left to keep my sanity. but I would surely like to get back to living a whole life without this dark cloud hanging over me and to know that S feels secure and loved. 

 The separation was a shock, just announced out of the blue while visiting her parents interstate. I went home in a daze with out my daughter.

 The in-laws came over to pick up the belongings and I did not see much of them or my ex-family, as I worked shift it was very hard for me to see a way of keeping or getting custody of my daughter. Promises where made and they would be back to visit!!! well it never happened, I spent heaps of time and money visiting my children, Oh yes the lad was born some nine months afterwards( I had no say in this at all which irks me), and I believe that he is mine but it has not been tested in any way, I asked for some say in his name and such but was shut out, My daughter was being heavily pressured into changing her name but she declined the offer, I wrote scores of letters to my kids and for the first few years it was cool but ok to visit. I expect that the family of my ex assumed that I would give up as it was a 3000 km journey to visit (round trip).

 Thus life continued until my job went by the way and I moved as part of a redeployment option closer to my children. Then all hell broke loose, I wanted to see my children more and I found it more difficult to see them as walls suddenly appeared all over the place. Things where tight in the new town but I was getting there but it was nearly impossible to be with the kids. My dear ex would make it as hard as possible on me and them, one classic time it was pouring with rain blowing a gale and when I arrived for access I was given the kids and we where all locked out as she was going out. That really was a low blow, my kids often asked if I could move closer but my line of work kept me some 250kms distant. 

It was going to get harder as the new friends that were picked up by my ex started to make themselves felt in the 'relationship' things got very frosty to the point where I was suddenly in court for maintenance, in the previous five years we had talked about the needs and costs of both parties and a deal was worked out. Thousands of dollars later in legal fees the agreement was announced by the judge, well I had been taken to the cleaners and the cost of seeing my kids and access to them had not even got a mention. I was not happy, the program of getting me to stop seeing my children now hit top gear, (my ex and the kids just moved, it took me three months to find them) and as access kept stopping I applied for a settlement through the counseling service (family law court service) It worked for some three months before it was announced that she had been tricked by the councilors, well I tried again but she was not interested in letting me have access. Thus it was back to the lawyers an option that I could little afford but one that I had to do in order to see my children. 

This battle took some 12 months and was expensive, too dammed expensive, she had legal aid and I had to pay as I could 'afford it', the mud came down thick and fast I was not safe, a child molester, pedophile you name it, it was tossed at me and what can you do? It is terrible to go through all of this and yet I knew it was crap so we continued to fight. I can say that there is no justice in the law that is for sure. Orders where made and have been broken time and time again, I cannot fight it, the cost is too high, fortunately despite all the rubbish my kids still see me.

 ...The constant stories from the children on what mummy said is another weapon used over the years, the drumming into them that the order stops when they turn 14 is pushed and pounded into them as well. I generally decline to make comment as they live with their mother and only visit me but if I had the current job that I have now I would had tried to hold onto my daughter from the start. What is best who knows but I can say that I can really understand those poor bastards who end it all over this Australia's most bloody battle ground.

 ...The ten year battle over access, has made living hard, any spare money has been eaten up by the court cases, access visits,(try paying for accommodation, travel for each trip and be told that it does not count towards your child's welfare) It is too expensive to fight, many must give in early. 

The CSA is another problem, they treat you like a criminal, I have never missed or been late with a payment in all this time but their letters are a cruel form of abuse, I could really like to see that department blown sky high, as too the family court judges killed in NSW I can really understand why this happened. The circle of violence will continue until a fairer system is found to cope with this problem.

 1) access problems need to be quickly fixed, with in a week of it happening.

 2) costs of access should be part of the maintenance calculations

 3) the custodial family change of address needs to be available when it happens

 4) penalties for breaking 1 and 3

 Well that's it, I am picking up my kids this weekend.... I hope. 

 My son's father, F and I divorced after S , my son witnessed his father pin me to the ground and beat on my head. The mental and verbal abuse was gradually becoming more and more physical. S was 4 years old...I decided to leave the house because it was too big and expensive for me to maintain and F loved that house--more than he did S and me it seemed. He wanted a party house. 

... I was granted sole custody of S and he spent the majority of time with me. Knowing that F could not afford the [ordered] monthly child support, I agreed to [65%], which at the time, covered daycare expenses. He took me back to court to have the amount reduced, but the judge ruled that he could afford it. He makes [at least twice as much as me].

 ... I remarried and...negotiated an agreement with F whereby S would live with me the majority of the year in [Central America]. I left S with his father [for a few months] so that he could finish his school year...When I returned to the States to get S as agreed, F and I argued and he...broke my finger...I was encouraged and advised to file a complaint in order to get F to understand that I would no longer tolerate being his "punching bag". [Two months later], F finally released S to me to travel to [Central America]. I had filed the complaint with the DA's office. 

This was a very confusing and difficult time for me. It was not easy to take Marshall away, but I also felt that being exposed to a different culture and immersed in a country where he could learn a second language were very beneficial to him. In [Central America], S was generally happy and did well in school...As agreed I sent him to his dad's over the Christmas holiday. In January just before S was to return to [Central America], F was cited for a traffic violation and the officer found an outstanding warrant for his arrest. He was taken into custody. I had been advised that I could not drop charges once I had filed... I then received faxed legal documents stating the F was suing me for custody. I returned to the States in February 1995 to attend the trials--one for the charges against F and one for the custody hearing.

 By the time my case went to trial, I was represented by a 4th attorney from the DA's office. He had been in the department for 3 weeks. I had no one to witness on my behalf. I wasn't aware that I needed to build my own case. I had been in touch with the DA's office, but they didn't tell me what to do--only that I had to appear at trial. Needless to say, F was acquitted. I felt like I was being tried and it was an awful experience. F put our son on the witness stand and then blamed me for making my son go through that experience. The custody hearing took place in August. I had refused to settle. F has a problem with addictive behaviors--alcohol particularly. I didn't trust his judgement. I know that he is primarily concerned with himself. I felt that S and I would be held hostage by him. The County's evaluation prepared for the judge stated that I should be given custody "no matter where I lived in the world."

 The judge awarded sole custody to F--because he lived in the same house--the one I had abandoned to escape the marriage. He did a grand sales job. I was forced to pay him ...[$N] child support, the maximum based on prior earnings. At the time I was working temporary jobs because my husband were trying to decide where to live...I have paid child support for going on three years. Recently I filed for chapter 13 bankruptcy. I've not been able to recover from this experience. I drained my IRA to pay legal expenses and help with living costs. The tax consequences have been severe.

 My second husband left shortly after the trial. I would not leave my son. We were divorced in 1996. I've tried shared living situations and finally got an apartment which I'm having to give up because I can't afford even a low-rent two-bedroom apartment. F continues to live in "our" house. His 4th wife left him early in 1996. He leaves S by himself frequently. He has never provided child care for him, even though my support payments were adjusted up to cover these costs. He is reluctant to spend any money on S. In the meantime, he's redoing his pool, buying big screen TV's (2) in addition to the other 5 in that house, and a Skidoo for water sports. In other words, he's spending the money, but S still comes to me for his needs: haircuts, clothing, shoes, school supplies, etc.

 I feel cheated by the courts. F is very controlling. One Tuesday night he called me after 10:00pm and wanted to know where S was. I was given "liberal visitation": Wednesdays and every other weekend. I was upset that he didn't even know where S was so late at night when he was in his care. Later when I called to find out where S was and if he was OK, he refused to talk to me, he said that he was the custodial parent and that he was in charge.

 It's all about power and control. F is still draining the life from me even though I chose to leave years ago. S is beginning to see his dad as he is and recognizes that his father's needs come first. I don't understand a system that forces me to pay a quarter of my salary to a man whose earnings far exceed my own. Why do I have to live poorly so he can spend more money on himself? I am not able to save for S's education. His father has always lived beyond his means. I thought child support was to equalize S's living situations---why can't I be granted the opportunity to provide decently for S. He's even begun to choose to spend additional time with me. We remain close despite his father's efforts to interfere in our relationship. 

 Hello... I have two beautiful [young] boys... I was with their mother for a while and she cheated a few times which ended our relationship. I have [remarried] now and she is great with my kids. She doesn't have any kids and that may also be why she is so great with my kids and they love her. I live in the suburbs in a nice area where there is good schooling and nice neighborhoods, but I couldn't live here without my wife's income. I bring home about $250 a week because of taxes and I pay [about $100] a wk for child support. 

My kids' mother has lived with two different men in 3 years not including me and has two boys by me and two girls by two different men who she does not associate with. She does not inform the schools that there is another parent involved instead she give the names of the men that she lives with. I found this out because I happened to one day go up to each of my kids schools when I had a day off and I investigated. She does not communicate with me. She use to call my wife and they use to try to communicate about the kids. Now I had my kids last weekend with the help of her new boyfriend. He called to let us know when to pick up the boys. We had to meet him at a local McDonalds. I do not know where my kids live or there is no phone number where I can call. They have a phone but do not want me to have it. I don't understand. With her other boyfriend I use to call for my kids and go by their house and pick up my kids with no problem. My kids' mother can't even call here to handle her own business, instead her man has to do all the negotiating. My wife and I met my kids' mothers boyfriend at McDonalds Friday at 6:00 and they were supposed to stay until Sunday evening. They were supposed to call us. Their mother did not check up on them like usual and we did not receive a phone call until 1:30 am Monday morning when my wife and I had to go to work that morning so guess what. We called off and met up at McDonalds at 11:00 am on Monday. 

Also when my kids come over there is not enough clothes packed. My wife has to find some of her shirts to give them to sleep in. Another time there was no underwear packed except for the ones on their back. Don't get me wrong, I know she loves her kids more that anything but I sometimes think she is wrapped up into everything else that she accidentally neglects the things she needs to do with her children. Sometimes I think she has so many problems because she has been kicked out twice out of her residence and she has too many children for the problems that she always faces. To be honest I don't even know if she is getting my child support checks because she just got off welfare a few months ago and I think they had found out that she has been living with a man. I just want some suggestions. Am I supposed to have a phone number especially when my kids are with me because there might be an emergency situation and there is no way to get in contact with their mother and I don't now the address. 

 My husband is a batter and initiated the separation to get me back and took my twins from the hospital when they were babies and took my daughter from my parents home when I was sick in the hospital. I am disabled and was hit by a drunk driver and had a closed head injury but was able to nurse my daughter and take good care of her. He forced me to have sex for the twins and took my phone and car keys away during and prior to their birth and did not want me to have contact with my parents or friends. He even got so mad at me that he hit me. I did not call the police because he was so nice afterwards.

 He had papers sent to my parents' house of separation maintenance after I became ill with giving birth to the twins. I had a post partum episode and was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital. I was discharged to my parents home and then sent papers. After I got out of hospital I went to our house to see the twins was not allowed in by the nurse and did not have the right keys.

 He was getting custody without me from the courts. He wrote on the papers he wanted me back and even had my two year old daughter scream on the phone "Mommy come back to us." He said he was doing this to keep our family intact. I have spent over 50,000 dollars in attorney fees to try to get custody of my children. We have had psychiatric testing, and psychological testing by people that my husband approved of and the friend of court is on my husbands side. My attorney quit and I am still not divorced yet. I owe her 6000 dollars and pay child support.

 I think the worst part of being a non-custodial mother is that people think there is something wrong with you and not the system. The system is very corrupt. I was able to finish graduate school while I did not have my kids and still see them once a week and every other weekend. I would like to be a part of their lives but the choice to go back to abuse is scary. How do I know he will not hit or yell again? He is a very good con artist and even works at the school my daughter goes to as a custodian. I feel the courts are very bad they have not heard my story or talked to my doctors or teachers. The friend of the court has decided that I controlled by my mother and can not make decisions for myself and that my head injury effects my judgement. This is not true. I just graduated with honors in graduate school. There is no justice and they are trying to make a case for fathers. I think it is because I am a doctor's daughter. My father being a doctor does not have the money to help me out because he has not taken a pay check for over five years because of his problems with practice and politics in the city we live in. Sometimes I think they are all interconnected. 

I have not really learned to deal with the grief of not taking my daughter to her first day of kindergarten or watching her on her three-seven year old birthday party. The financial burden is tremendous. I understand why non-custodial parents give up ship because beside paying child support, we pay for things when we have the children and get no tax breaks. Is there no justice? The system needs an overhaul. 

I have not been given justice. I really feel divorced from justice 

 When I married It was because she was preg. and I thought it was the right thing to do. She left a number of times while I was at work, and finally we split for good [several years ago]. My children were taught to lie at an early age and continue to. I hate not being with them every day, and the alienation that is taking place before my eyes knowing I can't do much about it. I've been remarried for [a few years], and my children hate my new wife and step family, their mother constantly tells them horror stories about us that are not true. I don't mind paying the support if it truly went to my kids, they haven't had a pair of new shoes in over two years, unless I buy them, it's sad that my children get nothing off my [>$500] but my ex and her husband both have new cars. 

 I have to start by saying that I love S (and D) more than anything in this world. I got pregnant with my son by a guy who did not care much for us at all. I thought he did at the time I slept with him, of course. When I informed him of the pregnancy he grew very angry about it, denied paternity, and insisted on me having an abortion immediately if not sooner. I refused this which made his hatred for me grow even more intense. He did absolutely nothing to support me during my pregnancy and his mother, exasperated with her son, decided to take me in. She took care of me in her home... as I could not move back home with my parents and had nowhere to go. 

I stayed with this woman for approx. 3 mos. until her husband began to come on to me, and I returned home... F seemed to come around more and more and accept the situation a little better as I got further into my pregnancy. I loved him so much and my unborn son, I would do about anything to be a family with this man and my child. He did things intentionally to hurt me like invite me to his house and be there with a date, being intimate, when I would get there to see. Anything to hurt!

 I gave birth to my child on August 17,1990. What a beautiful baby boy God had given to me! He weighed 8 lbs 12 oz and was the epitome of a beautiful, healthy child. I had a very rough delivery. I suffered from a 4th degree laceration and had over 240 stitches. F was always unbathed and stoned when he would visit us at the hospital. He mocked the way I had to walk because of my painful tear. He and his buddies thought this was hilarious. The night I went into labor, F arrived "tripping" on mushrooms.

 He still denied paternity when asked for support. But showed "his boy" off to friends and family. He and his mother immediately filed a petition denying paternity and requesting custody in the same petition None of our lawyers or family could believe the audacity or the ignorance of these people. They have tried everything possible to take him from me to the point to where I could not take the pain any longer The custody battles went on for years and they relentlessly harassed me to no end .

 F began to take an interest in me romantically again. That was all I ever wanted was his love and acceptance in the first place. But because of the pain he and his family had inflicted on me time and time again, And really resented this person and the fire was gone, so to speak. I did everything possible to turn this guy off. Cruelty, over-consumption of alcohol, cut off my hair. Nothing worked. He wanted me back home with him. At this point he still had refused to pay child support consistently. He was way behind and ordered through the courts to pay me [<$200] every two weeks. Never did! He would say things like, "Come home and you wouldn't need child support!" I couldn't get a place of my own to live with whatever was left after daycare. diapers, food, clothes, etc. I just didn't have any money and felt like a failure as a mother. F made [>$35,000] annually. I was a cutter for 'Fantastic Sam's" and barely cleared minimum wage.

 In January of 93 I was forced to sign custody over to Ss father because of financial difficulties and I couldn't even put a roof over my head. Out of love and maternal instinct, I felt it would in Ss best interest to be with his dad. He had a house, plenty of money, a big yard, and a genuine love for our son. This was the most difficult thing I have ever done And I feel pain every single day of my life ever since. 

Today I am married with a beautiful little girl! I pay child support every month. I see S every other weekend. F and his wife of 2 yrs are bitter, resentful, and controlling of S. S and I have a very strong, healthy relationship. That is all that's important to me! 

 I have one child by the mother I was married to and one by another woman. The one year old lives with me during the year while his mother attends school. There is not problem between us. The Ex has been a thorn in our side ( my son and I) since the beginning. I have visitation four times a year for a max of three weeks. I was the primary care giver before the divorce. I have been subjected to kidnapping by the Ex ( no legal recourse was allowed) I have had visitations interfered with three times in the last two years. I am currently going back to court ( for the fourth time in a year) to beg the judge to let me bring my son back to [my state]. (My ex made an agreement that put me in a very bad position with the court, so I will have to go back and prove that this situation was created by her). My ex refuses to communicate with me on any issues regarding my son, referring me instead to her lawyer. I do not have a lawyer because I can not afford one. My expense for my oldest son are as follows: 110 CS, 220 insurance, 550 travel expense, 140 schooling, and whatever it cost in clothing food etc. My ex has not be able to support herself without government aid. When my oldest is with my ex he is allowed to have the minimum of relationship with me. In other words, I am a typical father of the 90s 

 I ... moved out of the family home with arrangements for me to stay over when he worked nightshift so I could care for our daughter. Shortly after I moved into my own place and my daughter came to live with me. Six months later I began a lesbian relationship. After 12 months of my daughter and I living together I felt I was not coping either financially or emotionally. (My new partner it turned out is an alcoholic - now sober - but at the time there were extreme difficulties). 

When my ex-husband and I negotiated our daughter living full time with him he did not tell me he was going to move across the other side of the city. Each alternate Friday night I drive for two hours through peak hour traffic to pick up my daughter and return home with her. My daughter and I speak nearly every night on the telephone. Maintenance is paid every fortnight without fail and her routine is fixed. Our daughter has certainty in her life as to who she will be with and when. I feel this is important to her security and well being. 

Despite the horrendous guilt I feel at [my daughter] going to live with her dad (I tend to project some of my own childhood abandonment feelings!) I still feel that by living with her dad she has security. She has lived in the same house and attended the same school with the same hours of child care etc for almost three years. I couldn't offer that. I am also emotionally less able to cope because I study, work and am coming to terms with a very traumatic childhood. 

Nonetheless, I love my daughter incredibly. She is a wonderful person. I feel that I can be the best mum possible (for the time being) when we live apart. She knows I am emotionally available when she needs me. 

I am embarking on a thesis about Australian non-custodial mothers and would love to receive feedback on either websites, literature or other information from women anywhere in the world on the subject or from other non-custodial mothers. My email address is princessmi@goplay.com. 

No one could ever understand the feelings of being a non custodial mom, except, perhaps, another nc mom. We experience all of the problems that surround nc dads, but then you have to add to that the stigma of having had your children's custody won by their father... It automatically labels you as "UNFIT" because, until recently, that was the usual case (whether it was true or a fabrication of an angry ex with a well paid lawyer). There is a lot of shame and embarrassment associated with being a nc mom. We tend to tell people that we "have joint custody and it's dad's turn to be with the kids" When we do summon up the courage to admit we do not have custody, we are often looked at as though we have 3 heads (complete with horns)...

I gave my Ex the girls because he refused to pay child support and we were out of food. I have no family to help me, however, I knew that his mother would gladly help him to take care of the girls. See my website at: http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Hills/6326/NCMOM.HTM ...it [is] much more complete regarding the details surrounding the change of custody. This is dealing more with how it feels. 

I absolutly hate being without my girls. It is difficult to get their school to cooperate, in terms of sending me information on class trips, activities, projects etc. I have to rely on my children to keep me informed and, all too often, they forget to mention something important. My girls are with me one night during the week and every other weekend. Our arrangement is supposed to be "liberal and unrestricted" visitation (I hate that word, I don't want to "visit" with my children, I want to raise my children, nurture them, parent them but NOT visit them...) Unrestricted visitation means nothing... If I ask to see them outside of our set schedule, 9 times out of 10, they will have "other obligations"... I hate having to ask to see my children... 

I am not saying that he is a bad person... I'm just saying that I can parent our children better than he can... I have more experience than he does. They live with him yet I know more about WHO they are than he ever will. We communicate well among ourselves. We understand each other and I'd venture to say that they probably know me better than any other living person... I am not afraid to be who I am with them... 

We have been separated for 7 years and have been divorced for 4 years. Before the divorce I had no problems but after the divorce he decided he would let me see the kids at his convenience not by what the decree stated. I volunteered to pay child support but would get behind in it we had a verbal agreement that I could purchase clothes, shoes and such in the amount that I owed and we did this for 2 years. Then his parents approached me with the idea of them adopting the kids. I said no and was informed that I would be sued for back child support and that I wouldn't see the kids this has come to pass. In 1996 we returned to court and had a modification done because I was moving out of state. He was agreeable in court but when the time came for my first visitation after all the plans were made he said no the kids could not go. This is not easy for us because we have to drive 1200 miles to pick the kids up for our time with them. Of the three children I have one from my first marriage that lives with me and I think it is very unfair for the 3 children not to be able to build a relationship because of someone else's selfishness. My mom and sisters have not seen the 2 children in question for almost 3 years and my kids love their grandmother and aunts. I also have a husband with 4 children who happen to enjoy seeing my kids and are always asking when they'll get to see them. How do step families build a good foundation if they don't get to spend time with each other? My concern is that my children have to live in a hostile environment because I love them and they love me. Wouldn't it be something if the parents and connected families had to keep their opinions about the other half to themselves and were forbidden to speak it in front of the child. I heard once "Families don't end ....Marriages do" who ever said that hasn't been through family court lately have they. 

 The reason I separated with my wife was very simple... she had cheated on me for the third time. By the third time if they were going to stop they would have done so. I could not stand to know about it. It effected me tremendously so of course taking what dignity I had left I took my clothes and my tool box and moved out. 

About three months later she said she was pregnant so I was thinking because of the time frame when I left it might have been mine. She had told me no it was not it was that guy's kid. So I figured OK she must know who the father is. Well of course when the baby was born she lived with that guy and he thought it was his also so during the time over a course of 1 year {now here comes the good part}...this guy had beaten my oldest son so I went and got a protection order and filed charges against that guy for abuse... 

while I had both my sons I went down to support enforcement to ask them to stop child support so I could provide for my children..{oh yes all you welfare mommies I was working!!!} well anyways support enforcement told me no even after I showed them my second child protection order ...yes the first one was for 3 months and the second one was for 9 months..{{sooo gggeeee I guess I had enough evidence and witnesses for a judge to grant me custody 2 times}}} anyways getting back to support enforcement I began to beg yes BEG! I said please stop this! they told me no I'm sorry sir we cant help you. Well naturally after having my kids for a little over three months ...yes for the second child protection order I was asking them to stop the support I was out of money and could not pay the bills because they were taking it all or half I should say. Plus I had my kids. Anyways after I could not pay rent anymore me and my 2 boys live with my best friend. 

For a few months during the time I was living with them my lovely wife came to me and said that the child she had was mine.{{{what do you say to that}? huh? well I looked at him and he clearly looked like me. So basically she had told me that I missed a whole year of my son growing up and getting to know each other. So here I was paying child support for 2 kids living with me and 1 living with her and her abusive boyfriend living there. 

I didn't have enough money to get my new son and here is a real kicker my friend moved ... so there was no place for us to live I had went to my parents to ask for help. Can you imagine the shame of having to tell your parent about something like this and those very same parents that you had loved all your life telling you NO WE CAN'T HELP YOU. So here we were about to be homeless. Because I loved my children enough to take them away from that God forsaken life. Alls I wanted to do was make my sons' life better well guess what I had to do for my kids to be taken care of ...now mind you this is because of your stupid precious child support { and I spit at our government and I spit at the people that made us have to do this and spit at anyone who dares to say well you could have done this. Where was those people when I need those words.} So here's what I had to do: I had to give my kids back to her to ensure they had some what of a roof over their heads. I spit at all of you!!!!!

So you know what I do now I watch people on television saying that all people have to pay child support or they're bad people I spit at them a big hard gooey lugy oh and guess what my story does not end here, it keeps going on and its all bad so just tell let you people know your so called family values are all screwed up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

... I have looked through this Internet and have found nothing in here that would have helped someone like me ...and guess what I still want my kids!!!!!!!!!!! 

 My wife started acting strangely - always going out as soon as I got home from work. I asked if there was someone else. The answer was 'no' off course. We argued sometimes - about once per 5 or 6 weeks - usually about her demands for money which I couldn't provide. She denied me all physical contact for almost a year. We went to counsellors but she always ended in tears and unable to express herself. Eventually she said she wanted me to move out of my home. I said I would do anything to keep it all together. She forced the issue. I then found out that the law would support her on this action; allow her to keep the children; on that basis take everything we owned (I was left with the debts and maybe my super); have the new man move in; force me to pay a huge portion of my income even though she earned a good income herself (disregarded); leaving me unable to accomodate myself unless sharing with someone else.
The story continues. 

 When our visitation schedule was agreed on, my son was 3 years old. He is now 8 and our schedule needs to be revised. Our agreement states that we will resolve issues in mediation instead of going back to court. Getting my ex to agree to a mediation facility and a time has been a nightmare. Four months since I first brought up mediation, I have made 5 appointments, all but one of which he felt compelled to cancel. I have obtained a court order that he must attend mediation and am scheduling a sixth appointment. In the meantime, our visitation schedule is the same -every other weekend and two times a week- but my son and I agree it just isn't enough. The one session we did attend was somewhat unproductive since my ex-husband kept insisting that his current wife be included in mediation. Since I have no proof that she will be the one I will be dealing with throughout my son's life, I think it is more important that my ex and I work on our relationship.

 I entered a trade program when my ex and I separated. I received on-the-job training and attended school two nights a week. After a five-year apprenticeship program, I am now an Inside Jouneyman Wireman and, for the first time, am catching up on some bills and have a little money left over. I voluntarily let my son live with his father when I entered this program and I entered it because I don't EVER want to be financially dependent on a man again. I get health benefits and a pension. 

My family has been supportive of me but there are some things I simply cannot say to anyone who is not in a similar situation. I am wracked with anger at my ex and guilt over leaving my son with someone else. My ex was living with my in-laws when I let my son go but, without telling me, he quickly moved in with the woman he is now married to. They and the court system have made me feel like an intruder in my own son's life- as if my input, thoughts and feelings are of no interest. 

 My divorce has been final [for several years]. I was in the U.S. Air Force at the time. My original decree stated that I should have unrestricted telephone access to my children, visitation on every other weekend, every other holiday, and thirty days during the summer... I set an automatic payroll deduction to the state... for the child support and sent an additional monthly check to her...which I sent...to her personally to help her and my children out.

 After about 1 year [her circumstances changed], she asked if I could increase the amount that I was sending to [the] State Support Enforcement Division. I voluntarily [did so]...I would send extra money whenever my ex-wife called and said that the kids needed anything. If necessary I would just go hungry to make sure that my children got what they needed.

 [A couple of years later] I remarried, to my present wife, who became pregnant soon afterwards. I informed my ex-wife that while I could voluntarily go hungry to send her extra money each month, I did not have the right to make my wife and baby do without, so I could no-longer provide much more than my monthly child support payment. 

She began harassing me and my pregnant wife about me not living up to my responsibilities, even though I had never missed a child support payment. She soon started making repeated calls to my supervisor, first sergeant, and commander complaining that I was a dead beat dad and attempting to get them to order a larger payroll deduction for child support. I was forced to prove my innocence again and again. She even talked her congressman into starting an Air Force investigation into her charges of non support. At this time I was deployed two hundred miles from my unit, and had to mount a frantic defense against these baseless claims via long distance phone calls and faxes.

 Finally, she told me that if I wanted any contact with my children I would have to write, because she was not going to allow me any further telephone contact. ... That was the last straw. As soon as I could save up [the money] (it took a year) I hired an attorney. [And so began an expensive and frustrating legal battle]. She attempted to use the fact that I was only able to come to see my children during my 30 days of military leave each year as proof that I really didn't care about them. This forced me to drag my present wife and my baby daughter [2,000 miles] to do supervised visitation with my daughters. I could not afford these trips but was told by the court that if I didn't, I would not be allowed out of state visitation.

 ...The financial and emotional strain became too much and I decided to leave the military. I was afraid that I would get deployed overseas and not be around to defend myself against her constant charges and get blind sided with some sort of prosecution. I was unemployed for a month... Since I was unable to keep up with my child support payment for that one month, as soon as I started drawing a paycheck again, [the] State started withholding [extra child support money] for three months. This was financially devastating.

Finally after more than 2 years of litigation, we had a settlement conference. The judge proposed what he thought was a fair settlement. To his credit, his proposal was genuinely fair. All parties agreed to the settlement terms and my attorney returned to her office to begin drafting the orders to be signed by all parties. My attorney and I signed them as soon as they were ready. We then sent them to my ex-wife's attorney for her signature. By this time she had changed her mind and refused to sign the agreement that she had already agreed to. 

During this 3 and 1/2 year ordeal, I was forced to use the proceeds from the sale of my home ... to finance my continuing legal fees... I earn less money than I did 2.5 years ago when I was forced into starting this fight to see my children. Because of a temporary order, my child support has risen [to an unmanageable amount]. I was told at the time that when the permanent settlement goes into effect, I would be given credit for any over payments that I made. The problem is that I am not able to continue paying my attorney so the permanent settlement can never go into effect. I have been forced into filing chapter 7 bankruptcy, and my family and I came dangerously close to homelessness and starvation. I have always been a caring father and have never tried to avoid my responsibilities. 

It is very unfair that non-custodial parents can be labeled as deadbeats, and put through the financial ringer with not even a hint of proof. Child support amounts should be based on the parents ability to pay. Currently, if you cannot afford litigation to establish what you are able to pay, it will be decided by someone who doesn't care about you or your family's ability to survive.

...After the divorce, I was offered a position out of state... In the two years I was out-of-state, I paid for airfare for (2) children and dad [to visit] a couple of times. Even though we were divorced... we were [still] friends and lovers...

In comes new girlfriend, and everything changed 100 degrees. My ex was convinced that I was this terrible person and... used his power of having "physical custody" to its limits. We both had joint legal custody, but this doesn't seem to matter at all as far as schools, housing, etc. is concerned... In the last year, I have fought the following:

• changed phone number to unlisted number (no contact for months)
• refused to let me see the kids
• he was telling them bad things about me, trying to make it so they wouldn't want to see me.
• he got a domestic violence notice against me (absolutely NO circumstances for this other than to stop me from seeing the kids)
• now it's been 3 months since I have been able to see my kids or talk
• go to court, judge threw out domestic violence order and ordered my ex to setup visitation for that weekend. Even ordered my lawyer to go with me...
• go to court, he wants to increase child support to some outrageous amount because I make a decent $$.
• kids are in counselling, my son is so confused, my daughter same.

...the parent that has physical custody has ALL the power. You can fight it, but it's after the fact and the non-custodial parent is left POWERLESS."

My wife filed for divorce without telling me. She left [soon] after she filed. Three days later she filed with the court that I had abused her. I obtained a letter from the therapist that we were seeing indicating that I never abused her. During the hearing she indicated to the court that I will abduct my son to my country of origin [in Eastern Europe]. The court gave her temporary custody with supervised visitation. It has been hell for me since because nobody wants to make a decision or deal with the matter. The court ordered... a psychological evaluation on me to determine if I am a candidate to kidnap my son. I have no intention of kidnapping my son or need; I have been living in USA for [over two decades].. I have a very good job. I only want to be a parent for my son I do not want to be a visitor in his life. I asked her if we could have joint legal and physical custody she refused; she wants sole custody. 

There is a lot more to tell but it hurts so much I do not want to talk about it. I hope I will do in the future. I am basically trying to focus on obtaining custody of my son.

 ...I separated from my husband. He was involved in drugs and was not willing to give them up for the sake of keeping our family together. We initally share physical and legal custody of our two children and for a while it seemed to work fairly well. However, I discovered that my ex-husband's nephew (then 6 yrs. old) was molesting my daughter (then 4)... When I discovered this was taking place, I filed and won full physical custody of the children... It was agreed that when he moved out of his parents home, we would evaluate the situation and possibly go back to joint physical custody. 

Then I became very ill with cancer and had to have a complete hysterectomy. Things were fine for a while, but then I had complications and had to stop working. I lost my apartment because my ex-boyfriend stole [money] from my checking account, which resulted in my rent check bouncing. I asked my ex-husband to take care of the children for a month while I found another job and got another apartment. This is when he decided to go to court behind my back and file for full custody of the children, which he was awarded because he claimed I had abandoned my children and he did not know where I was and that I had not made contact with the children. He never served me with the papers and as a result, I did not appear at the hearing. That was 3 years ago and I am still fighting to regain custody. 

I am very angry because I have not seen my two minor children from my first marriage for two years. I have very liberal and specific visitation orders but since my ex moved to [a different state, a thousand miles away]. I have seen them very little, mainly settling unhappily on the summer visits. Then in June of 1996, he simply said, "No, you cannot have them for your visit." He has no cause for refusing my visit. I have spent a lot of money trying to get my visit enforced. 

...I should never have lost custody to him three years ago. The children were happy and stable. We had a beautiful 2800 sq. ft home with three bathrooms. We had adequate finances and I was always home when they were out of school. My ex remarried to a LCSW [Lisenced Clinical Social Worker] and she helped him take the children from me. 

When the divorce was finalized I was given custody of all four of our children and I was awarded child support. He had quit his job three days prior to avoid child support, so I was awarded support with no amount set. Sounds weird, but that's what happened. I badgered my attorney to get an amount set, he finally met with the judge and I was awarded something over $300.00 monthly for the four children. I was told that was good, since he was unemployed. He sued his employer for unemployment but was denied since his employer claimed that he had quit for no good cause. He had visitation of every other weekend at the time, plus every other holiday, etc. 

We had not heard from him for almost two years and then he showed up with her [his new wife, the LCSW] at the childrens' school and attempted to take them. He was not allowed to even see them since he had no visitation orders. She presented herself as his counselor. We went to court and he decided to settle out of court since I had a pile of documents and audio tapes that were very incriminating of him. I was not told by my attorney when we settled that my evidence would become moot forever more. He took me back to court and at the third hearing the judge granted his motion. 

She [the LCSW] testified against me as an expert witness. My attorney objected, it was sustained but the judge ruled on her testimony in his decision. She said that the children were in physical and emotional danger in my home. They gave no evidence to support any of their accusations against me. In fact, the only time that I had ever spoken to her, I called her thinking that she may be reasonable since she was a counselor and had known him for only a few months. She accused me of horrible things, she could only have gotten from him. I asked her if she had known of how abusive he had been. She became irate and told me that he had had to do the things to me he did because I would "become hysterical." 

...At the modification hearing, the judge fell asleep and awoke and asked us what we were there for. My ex presented testimony that my son had an incurable skin disease caused by my neglect. My son does not and has not had any such thing. They claimed he had lost weight because of my neglect, etc. There were no medical records, no weight records, pictures, documentation of any kind presented except their verbal testimony. 

My daughter, who was 12 at the time, had told her father numerous times that she did not want to live with him. Her father and his wife instructed her to be silent when in the judge's chambers so she would not "anger the judge." There were no ex parte hearings, no counselor reports, no evidence of any kind to support his accusations. Just like that the children were gone. In the three years since he has had them, I have seen them three times.

 ... During our divorce, he beat me black and blue and caused one entire side of my face and head to swell, when I attempted to see my son that he had kidnapped. The pictures are on file at the police dept. Another time during the divorce, I attempted to prevent him from stealing a truck load of my court awarded property from my home. He attacked my car, and then attempted to attack me with a pipe. I was able to escape him by getting into my car. Although, I supposedly had protection orders the authorities would not help me... 

My current husband was then my fiancé and he was having vandalism problems. In fact, someone put stolen license plates on his car and called in a harassment call to the sheriff. He was arrested and charged. It was my ex and his girlfriend that called in the harassment charge. I bailed him out of jail that night and took him home with me since he had no legal vehicle any longer. When I took him home the next morning, his car had been seriously beaten and all the windows shattered. His home had been broken into, the door was smashed in by a large rock. The only thing missing was the tape from his answering machine. The authorities only came out to take a report after we were very insistent and refused to take no for an answer. They refused to take fingerprints, footprints or look for evidence. The deputy laughed and said they all knew who did it, but my fiancé had gotten himself into it by being with me. 

We often received phone calls in the middle of the night from my ex saying he was coming out to kill us. He would drive the thirty miles to our home and we were in hiding. He would leave and call back and call us cowards. My husband is not a coward but very often when we watched for my ex, we would see him stop at the end of our isolated country road and let people out of his car, we assumed to ambush my husband if he did show himself. The authorities refused to believe us every time we called to report these incidents. 

...I am [now] very happily remarried, and have a little girl due to be born soon. The children I have with my prince of a husband now, have been a blessing and help to fill the emptiness in my heart, but how can you ever give up on your first children. I can't, and it has caused unending grief, pain and expense. It is the final abuse. I wish he had killed me during the divorce.

 In [the month of my daughter's birthday, some years ago], [my now-ex-wife] filed for a divorce [for the second time], along with, a restraining order. I wanted to be a part of [our daughter's] birthday party and told [my ex-wife] my wishes. I was told I was not wanted there. My reply was "[She] is my daughter too and you can't keep me away." Well, she did. [The following month], I was allowed visitations with [my daughter]. [The month after that], [my ex-wife] filed child abuse allegations against me. My visitations were automatically cut off. I did not see [my daughter] again [for six months].

...I received a letter from the Department of Human Services (DHS) stating the allegations against me were "unfounded." ...I was granted co-parenting time in accordance with Local Rule 19. [Two months later], I filed a petition for contempt. I was not allowed my visitation. [A month later], [my wife] and I were divorced. The court ordered custody of [our daughter] to [my ex-wife] "subject to liberal visitation rights." In November of that year, [my ex-wife] filed child abuse allegations against me again. QUESTION: Why does she always wait until the Holiday Season to file her allegations?

 [Early in the following year], I was asked to be psychologically evaluated. I cooperated. I requested a copy of this evaluation but, was told I could not have it because DHS paid for it. [The following month], I called the Department of Human Services. I wanted to know what was taking their investigation so long. I was told [my ex-wife] had moved away. Therefore, I began my efforts to modify the custody order and to find [my ex-wife] in contempt. The court would not grant the modification because they had been out of the state for longer than six months. 

[The following year the juristiction of the case went to a different state.] The Circuit Court granted me temporary custody of [my daughter]. I hired a private detective to find them since all I knew of their location was the post office box number. This is when I found out they were no longer in the state. ...[T]he Circuit Court granted me permanent custody of [my daughter]. I hired another private investigator to locate my ex-wife and my daughter. I hired the services an attorney to help me retrieve my daughter. My mother and I went to get [my daughter]. I filed a complaint with the County Police against [my ex-wife] for violation of custody orders. A warrant was issued and [my ex-wife] was arrested. [Our daughter] was turned over to me by the County Sheriff. All of this was accomplished with the assistance of the County Attorney. I was instructed to get out of town. 

I returned to home. [The following month], DHS called me wanting to know how I was able to get custody of [our daughter]. I answered all of her questions including allowing her to interview me in my home. Shortly after this, DHS tried to get a "no contact order" from Juvenile Court. The judge did not want to hear a case based on allegations made almost three years ago. DHS requested that [my daughter] receive counseling to help her cope with all the changes she has to endure. I agreed. [In the same month], [my ex-wife] filed a PETITION TO SET ASIDE CUSTODY ORDER, DISMISSAL, AND FOR STAY OF PROCEEDINGS in the Circuit Court . An agreed order was entered by the Circuit Court Michigan stating "the Chancery Court for [County] [in the state where my ex-wife first lived with her parents] is a more appropriate forum to decide the custody issue in this case, and jurisdiction in this matter be and is hearby relinquished to said court."

[My ex-wife] filed a PETITION TO SET ASIDE FOREIGN CUSTODY ORDER in the Chancery Court...[T]he Chancery Court issued an order granting [my ex-wife] unsupervised visitation privileges. The court stipulated that "neither party shall leave the state with the minor child without first obtaining written Court approval." [A few months later] another allegation of child abuse was made. [my daughter] did not return from her weekend visit with her mother and I haven't seen her since [although the court battles continue to be won and lost]. [This was four years ago.] 

There is a great deal of discussion on "deadbeat dads" for failure to pay child support. However, little is said about "malicious moms" who will go to any extreme to alienate the children from their dads. A parent should not have to go through such an ordeal as this just because he/she wants to be apart of their children's lives. A big problem is that the police looks upon this type of situation as a domestic problem rather than a crime. If the vistitation and custody orders were enforced more stringently, then this type of activity will decrease (personal opinion).

 bottom line _________________ i hate my situation. i carried my child 9 months and the court took him away. not because i was a bad mother, but, because his family had the means of getting him an attorney. i didnt love the (man?) jerk, and therefore i lost my son. i have tried everything in my power and just fail each time. i will never give up hope, but i live day to day with the emptiness. 

18 years ago i divorce my first husband and in anger left him and took my two years old daughter.  In the beginning, there was much I did not know about him [my parents warned me against him, but I fell for him.]   My parents were saying NO, he was pleaded in YES.  So, in a hateful fit I ran off with him.

Anyway, so for the first two years of our marriage, things settled down and we ALL starting half way getting along  (although, we began to see his parents a whole lot more than mine.  My mom was so lonesome, I SEE THIS NOW, he did not like me going over there because he felt like they hurt me)   ... until the big tummy came along and I was pregnant after all this time.  Well doctor thought she was a boy....STRONG HEARTBEAT!! NOT a sweet little bad girl came along.  He didn't say it but he was the first in the family...only boy and now his first is a girl.. Well nothing was never the same after she was born... He started drinking......I would run out of the house with baby and bottle and sit in an empty parking lot until I thought he had passed out.  He put a huge hole in wall when he got mad at me one time... He became jealous of his friends...  He began flirting with other women in front of me from a distance.  He would shout at our daughter over her baby bed and dare me to say anything i would go out side and cry.  He once slapped her continuously in the floor.....not even 2 yrs old.  

[He isolated me from my friends and family]...i really would get very lonely...i got so angry....something deep down inside made me going into a tailspin and started flying around the house grabbing everything I could as fast as I could and my baby backed the car up next to the door and loaded it up and headed for mamas.  

... OKay, so i raised our daughter with child support for 16 years he came to get her every other weekend....if she didn't want to go he would get mad.  So i do believe through the years she came to fear him and would not rock the boat...   Anyway, so at 18 she and I have an argument she is leaving to go to dads for the weekend and so she is mad at me and says well I just might not come back...and I say well okay!!..and she didn't..she has been with him for the last three years....NO COMMUNICATIONS FROM HIM OR HIS WIFE....AND ME AND MY DAUGHTER HAD A GOOD RELATIONSHIP I SWEAR WE WERE CLOSE A GOOD BIT...BUT SHE HAS NOT CALLED ME A HAND FULL OF TIMES EXCEPT AT CHRISTMAS...LUCKY ON MOTHERS DAY MAYBE. BIRTHDAY? MAYBE...SHE COULD BE DEAD AND I DOUBT I WOULD BE CONTACTED UNTIL THE VERY LAST...I WAS A GOOD MOTHER...I NEVER LEFT MY CHILD..I HAVE GREIVED SO MUCH SINCE SHE LEFT THAT IT HAS COST ME MY HEALTH.. JUST LATELY HAS SHE STARTED TO TALK TO MY MOTHER AT LITTLE AND THEN I HEAR THINGS JUST GRASPING TO ANYTHING.  ...I FEEL LIKE MY DAUGHTER (AT LEAST THE ONE I KNEW) IF GONE FOREVER.....I AM DYING TOO....DON'T KNOW THAT I WILL EVER BE THE SAME.  I HAVE ANOTHER FAMILY AND ANOTHER CHILD AND I WON'T TO LIVE TO SEE HIM GROW UP..

HELP?????? i know that she wants out (AS OF THIS DATE) but is scared she can't make it...i offered her a room to come back home any time...she did not comment...i miss her so it kills me to see her this way. i'm afraid for her He has custody of her until she finishes college

Last updated 24 April, 2000