Residential Parents

I think it was 6 months before I could even look at my ex without wanting to scream........but now, I'd consider us friends. We do have our moments when we don't see eye to eye but we are much better able to resolve these issues now than when we were a couple.......geez, resolve wasn't even in our vocabulary at that time.....lol. 

I have been lucky. My ex has always been reliable financially and great about seeing the children as often as he can... We agreed at the time of the divorce not to criticize each other in front of the children. This has paid off in big dividends as children largely see themselves as part of their parents. How can children think of themselves as whole and worthwhile as long as one parent continually criticizes the other in front of them? 

During those early years, I had to be hospitalized with no insurance three times. The first time I applied for a medicaid card and, despite my re-assurances that my ex had never missed a child support payment, the government went after him with a vengeance. They stopped his tax return, garnished his wages and caused him a lot of unnecessary stress and anguish. The second time I applied for a card, I made sure that they understood that he paid me directly and had never missed a payment. Despite this, they still went after him. Five years later, he is still trying to justify himself to the government. He just copied every check he has ever sent me to send to them. The third time, I decided not to apply for a card because I did not want him hassled. It does me no good to make things more difficult for him. I worked out payments with the hospital directly. It seems strange to me that the government would spend so much time and effort going after someone who has done nothing wrong. We followed every stipulation of our divorce decree. 

How about a special tax credit to those who do pay their full child support rather then punitive punishment for those who do not. 

...Things do not always go smoothly, children have problems, parents have problems, but I really believe the key to peace of mind is twofold: 
1 - let go of the anger from the divorce and focus on the new family you are creating... 
2 - as much as possible treat the absent parent with dignity and respect, at least in front of the children. And as much as possible in person.

 I left my sons father due to his dysfunctional inability to control his anger. My parents helped me pack as much as we could while my ex was at work. My ex has seen our son approx. 3 times since we left him, and shows no further interest as he has failed to make any further contact. He didnt call our son on his birthday... He didnt call or come to the hospital when I rushed our son there at 5am early this year due to a fever of 105.4 with hallucinations. He missed our sons school Christmas show; he has failed to participate in any school activity whatsoever. He has paid no child support, nor has he made any offer to help. 

I am primarily writing because of my feelings on child support and the issue of visitation. I have not sought any child support, nor have I initiated an action in court for one reason. I refuse to set my son up for the possibilty that his dad might view paying child support as a reason to seek visitation. I am so sick of the mentality of those who say that if their going to pay for it then they want visitation. I think the issues are seperate and unrelated. As far as Im concerned, a parent should see his/her child because they WANT to...not because theyre paying child support. What level of good parenting skills are exhibitted if a parent only seeks visitation because theyre paying support? I refuse to subject my son to the possibility that his absentee father may be awarded visitation that he doesnt already have any interest in! How safe can a child be if thats the type of parent looking after him? 

So I choose to be the best Momma I can be to my son, and I forsake the child support my son is entitled to for the reasons stated above. I dont think its right, nor do I think its fair. However, I do think it is the best interest of my son to keep him safe and loved and cared for because as his Mother, thats what I WANT to be doing. 

 My child's father has never been envolved in her life. When I told him I was pregnant, he told me to get rid of it. That ended the relationship. I let him know when she was born, but he never came to see her. I recieved adc and food stamps off and on during her first seven years then I finally started to receive child support. I am now working at a low encome job and am unable to afford to save any money. If my parents were not arround, we would not be able to survive. I am trying to get into LPN school so I can get a better job and I pray that when I get in that I will have enough money to pay for school and to live on while in school. I wish that the government would start a program that would help people like me who make to much to get welfare, but not enough to live on. Sometimes I feel like I want to just walk away and forget about my life, start over. I can't because every choice I make also involves my child. I wish someone could understand that I feel like my world is falling apart every time I see someone else getting the things I work so hard for, but these things always seem to be out of my reach. I wonder if things will ever look up for me and my daughter. I wish that just once her father could spend one day living the life my daughter and I live. He has three other children and still dosen't understand how emportant it is for him to be part of her life. 

I ... have had residential custody of my daughter since she was 2. My ex-wife has had the financial support of a very wealthy boyfriend and has been able to use his resources to drag out a futile custody battle that has cost me at least 80k over the past three years -- and an untold emotional cost as well. Meanwhile, I have had to move into the city, to be nearer to home and work, re-start (and constantly nurture) my business all the while raising our daughter. Our daughter meanwhile, appears to be thriving; she's now started kindergarten, and has a very balanced view of her lifestyle.

Her relationship with her mother appears to be good, even though she is with her only every other weekend and no more than two or three weeks a year for vacations. She seems happy living with me and noone (except occassionly my former spouse) believes the situation should change. The major drawback to this arrangement is my social life, both finding single men and women to spend time with (and to find the time to spend) and that appears to be my biggest challenge right now. 

 I am a single mother in the United States Air Force. I am the custodial parent as I did not have a name to put on my sons birth certificate. I am unsure as to who his father is. This has just begun to cause us problems. My son is now asking about his father and I don't have an answer for him. I believe that I know who it is, but cannot find the person. I try to talk around the subject as much as possible which I understand is unfair to my son, but I don't know how much information to give him.

Being a single parent has been difficult, but I feel lucky that I've been doing it on my own the entire time. It seems as though people who have had a partner to share the load and then find themselves being "single" have a rougher time of it. Finances are usually tight, but as I progress in my career it gets easier. Had it not been for "Women, Infants and Children" we probably would have starved during the early years. Daycare is always my biggest bill for the month, but it is also the most important. Spending money on the welfare of my son will never be a sore spot for me. 

 x is an alcoholic who put alcohol before his family. He knew what the outcome of his choice, when he leapt from the sobriety wagon back into the embrace of his old friend King Alcohol. I sat in court with such torn feelings. When i sought a protection order I did not want him there, yet he was. When it came time to divide marital assets, and the child custody issue, he did not come. For my sake I felt happy as I got everything as he had agreed to, for my children's sake I needed/wanted him to show up and fight for at least a steady visitation. I will never be able to tell my children how sad I felt when the judge asked if I wanted to strip him of his right to see them, nor how proud I was that I said I did not have the right to make that decision on their behalf. SOmeday they will make that choice for themself. 

In the meantime The children and I spent 6 months living with my Mom caring for her as she was dying of terminal cancer. In essence in the last year my children have lost two families. I am proud of how well they do with the lack of contact from their Father. Christmas was such a bittersweet time we knew it would be my Mom's last and that made it emotional, but what made it hardest was that the children had not heard from their Dad since Nov. 16th. They did noteven know where to send a present they had made for him... they gave it to a man who has done a lot with them in this past year, but it was not the same. My heart ached when my daughter turned 5 and again got nothing from her Dad. 

SUPPORT -- NONE! no emotional or financial support. He has not paid one cent of the court ordered child support. While it would be so helpful I am more sad that the children mean so little to him. We got divorced not he and they. His name never comes up in their conversations anymore. He is missing out on so much. Children deserve and are entitled to the love and support of two parents. Mine do not get that. I am so glad we do not live with the day to day junk of alcoholism. I am glad I did not strip him of his right to see the children. I am frustrated he does not support them. I am sad he has such poor, inconsistent contact with them. 

It might be worse because of his alcoholism if he were in day to day contact with the children, but they deserve at least weekly contact and they deserved him to be there for them as their Gram (my Mom) lay dying. 

 For the past eight years my ex has been sporadic in his visitation; but blames me for his lack of motivation to see his children. He told the court that I do not allow him to see the children, that I tell him the children are unavailable because they have other activites. I have kept documentation since 1996 on conversations, visits, and proved to the judge that I in fact have not been the one that interferes with his visitation, that he goes months without seeing the children, and when they do become involved in some type of activity (sports) he demands to see them, making them miss their games; once the season is over he slacks off seeing them. Beginning last August when my youngest played youth football, his father had not seen him for four and one half months but insisted my youngest miss two games becuase "It was his weekend to have him." This upset my son very much.

 Beginning with this visitation, the father started questioning them, together and separately, asked my youngest if football was more important to him than being with his father; told my oldest boy he was fat, needed to lose weight and made a deal with him that if he lost weight, he would buy him new clothes; told my children that when they said they wanted to move to Montana with me (my family lives there) told them that if they went don't bother coming back to see him. I began having behavioral problems with them at home and they began having academic problems in school along with behavioral problems. Also, their bus driver and their day care provider reported physical aggression in both children and they were began picking on younger children. I brought all this up in court on May 13 and the father stated that none of this ever happened. I stated to the judge that the father was calling them liars and suggested that maybe they need to speak to someone, because if they are lying (which I don't believe they are, but the father is) we have a bigger problem than any of us realized. The judge ordered a "Fast Track Evalution." The tone of the Interim Order was against the father; I established his sporadic visitation, that we have been made to sit and wait to see if he would show up for his visitation; that he has only made one contact and one parent conference in the years my children have attended school; he must give me 48 hour advance notice if he is going to exercise visitation and be there no later than 45 minutes without reasonable notice; if he doesn't, he forfeits his weekend visitation; If he misses two weekends in a 90-day period, all visitation abates until a new court order is entered, or written notice from him to me that he promises to exercise due dilligence in visiting with his children. 

I don't like having to go to court to have a third person decide the fate of my children or to tell me what to do. Unfortunately, I am unable to speak to the children's father. There is a history of domestic violence and there is still a history of verbal abuse. I live an hour and a half away from him which is the maximum I can move without a court order or his permission. The father uses the court order when it is convenient for him and disregards it when it is not. 

... I send him half of school pictures, sports pictures, my children have made the newspaper for their sports and school activities, I send him clippings; If something exciting happens to the children, I have them call their father, sometimes it takes days for him to return their calls... 

The children have been available to him whenever he wants them; the children know that at any time, with their father's permission and whether it's his weekend or not, if they want to go spend time with him, they can go. They know they can call him whenever they want, they don't have to ask, just let me know they are calling. I would love to be able to pick up the phone and update him on what's going on with them, but I'm very tired of being called a fat lazy bitch, or stupid. Joint legal custody just doesn't work when there is a history of abuse from one parent to the other. The father has made derogatory remarks to my children about me, and he has put them under a lot of stress. I try very hard to be positive however, one piece of advice my mother gave me: "If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all." When my kids tell me stuff that their father has said to them, I usually sit their with a stupid looking smile on my face (and I'm saying to myself, why is he doing this to them.) Any suggestions would be appreciated!!!! 

I hope this is a story you were asking for. If not, I feel better just typing it out. (My therapy is when I get pissed at my ex, I sit at the computer and type a nasty letter to him telling him what I think about him (I usually don't mail it though because of the fear of retaliation against the kids) 

 My husband and I have been in conflict with each other approximately 2 years. Finally, this past fall, it was at a peak, and I felt something had to be done. I requested he move out, which he did, and it lasted an entire 5 days. Upon his return back into the house he announced that he would never move out - that I would have to take the boys and go - which I did. 

I moved out the beginning of December. The first month and 1/2 that I was gone, my husband only saw his sons once, and then again over the holidays (on Christmas). He was constantly going out to the bars with his friends enjoying the party life again. I was extremely mad, but yet hurt that he was acting this way towards the boys - they were very upset and couldn't understand why dad wasn't seeing them. I then also found out after the holidays, that he had been dating and sleeping with another woman (whom was also still married). He was spending all his time with her. The boys even got to meet her. I took this very hard. I knew eventually he would become involved with another woman, but I expected a longer time period than 2 weeks after my leaving. I was hurt that after 8 years of marriage, out of respect for our relationship, he would have given it more time for us to grief. I was also furious that he introduced her to the boys in such a quick time frame. They weren't seriously dating, they were just bed partners. If he wanted to hurt me that's fine, but the boys didn't need to know what was going on - it had only been about month since we split and they were very confused.

 Since that time, we have proceeded with the divorce without any lawyer involvement, handling all the paperwork on our own. We have 2 weeks to go for the final judgement, and everything up to this point has gone well concerning the property division. Until...today....now, unfortunately, it's starting to get nasty - he's decided at the last minute to change the agreement we've had. So now the war starts.

 I have many mixed emotions....anger, hurt, scared, resentment....especially with things such as him not seeing the boys very often. I have them 7 days a week, 24 hours a day - I'm lucky if he sees then once every 2-3 weeks for a couple of hours. He's too busy going out. This makes me resentful because although I love my kids dearly, I also would like the opportunity to go out too. However, I"m never able to since he won't ever take them.

 Deep down, I would never trade the arrangement, and I'm glad I'm the one they're with....I get to see them "growing up"....he's missing everything! He'll pay the price down the road. They're already getting an attitude with him, and I don't bad mouth him in front of the kids to encourage it.

 Although I want the divorce, I didn't realize how hard it would be and how depressed and screwed up my emotions are. It's like living in a constant fog, just hoping you'll see the light again at the end of the tunnel.

 He's constantly throwing the amount of the child support in my face - like I'm the one who created the charts to follow for the child support amount. He makes triple the amount I do, plus gets overtime, which I do not. He has the house, while I'm living in an apartment trying to find a cheap house to buy. I've compromised on everything....and he still calls me a "bitch" and tells me I'm out to rob him. He helped create the children, and he's partially responsible for their lives. He wants to be the part-time dad when it's convenient for him and non of the responsibility. Either support wise, or physically seeing them. 

 My son's father just doesn't seem to care. he had visits for a while, when I called him, but now he doesn't see his son, or phone to see how he is at all. it is as if he doesn't exist. We hadn't been together long when I fell pregnant, although we had been friends for ages. What I didn't realise is that He is an alcoholic...To be honest, it's a relief that he isn't interested in taking my son out, because I would always have to be wondering if he'd been drinking and if it was safe for him to drive...

My son's father pays about $185/month to IRD for child support, but we don't receive it as i am on the benefit. The benefit is also paying part of my fees for university, so I am hoping to graduate at the end of this year, and then to teacher's college. After that I will receive the child support for my son. Umm... what else?? I guess that at the end of the day, I have a beautiful son, and that is all that matters, yet I know that the way his father has treated him is bound to affect him in some way. I don't know when or how, ljust that it will. That really annoys me, to think that I can do my best at raising him, and for him to still suffer at the end of the day. i have a clear conscience though, because I know that I gave it a really good go with his father, and also because I know we're much better off without him. 

 My ex-husband has now remarried and has two step sons and a very nice wife. Before he was with her, he was very erratic with his visiting the kids and lived in some very unsatisfactory living conditions which meant that I did not encourage him to have too much time with the kids. He was happy to have his single life and often forgot to visit them or put off visiting times which often upset the children because they wanted some stability. When he remarried, his new wife encouraged him to spend more time with the kids and insisted on him making it regular times instead of the spasmodic visiting that he had done before. This has been much more positive and now the children are all old enough to make decisions about visiting themselves. 

 My separation arose from many situations. I married a Syrian, Venezuelan born man. Were were very much in love and seemed one with each other when we got married. We were engaged for three and one-half years. Everything just seemed so right, and even though both parents did not want us to marry, we eloped. My husband after that seemed like he went wrong. Everything. He could not manage money, he missed his family, he was immature, had a cousin live with us for awhile. We lived in a big city, so he got in with the wrong crowd and did not come home at night a lot. I was always holding the jobs. He held jobs, but did not stay in them for very long. He dropped out of school and became a waiter which he was very good at, but he did not come home til the morning hours.

We separated for about one year while I cleared up the financial debt. There I held him up which was a big mistake and to top it off, I moved to Venezuela for eight months. After having a miscarriage and getting very sick, I decided to move home. He came home four months later.

I really thought he was settling down. We had our first daughter. He stayed with her for four months while I worked. He was so happy. Then, his dad came to visit and must have influenced him. That was no good for him any longer. And, of course, he got a few of those jobs that just weren't good enought. He was always looking for ways to get rich quick. His brother came to "visit" so my husband said, and he ended up living with us and moving his family in in the apartment above us. That was the biggest downfall in our marriage... 

 I married my ex-husband knowing that he was an alcoholic and thinking that I could make him better (duh!). I had a child with him far too quickly. When I look back on it, I wonder why I ever did this, and why I stayed so long in a situation that was nearly abusive and certainly destructive for the child. When I think of marriage, I break out in a cold sweat. I remember how I worked as many as three jobs to try to make ends meet, while my husband had hours to spend watching TV and drinking. I remember the class I had to deal with from his irate customers, wondering why he hadn't shown up for their job. I remember how much he resented being asked to do any household chore, no matter how small (such as washing dishes). Why should he have to clean the toilet? He didn't enjoy it. Somehow the same logic was never applied to me; nobody ever asked if I liked working a double shift and coming home to cleaning,laundry, diaper changes and getting up in the night with no help and no break ever. Neither did he ask our child if he appreciated 11 hour days at daycare, then being looked after by an exhausted and stressed out mother while his father sat and stared at the tube... 

 I WORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING FROM THE EFFECT THAT ALL THIS HAS WILL HAVE AND IS HAVING ON OUR DAUGHTER. 

 I don't understand all of this. if a woman is in an abusive marriage, why do the courts make her go through a mediator. is the divorce process susposed to drag on? I thought the judge would rule whats in the best interest of the child. I mean, does he think that having a child witness, a parent drink, and beat up his mom, a good atmosphere to grow up in? How can it happen when daddy is in jail? 

 What do you do about visitation for your 2yr.old and 3 yr. old girls with their alcoholic father when he is trying to fight his restricted visitation (with his parents only).

 It may be hard work being single but with the support of your family and friends anything is possible. 

 I was married for 21yrs. I have been having a difficult time, but I am trying to take control of my life, and raise my two teenage children the best way I can. My story is that I went grocery shopping w/ my kids and when we returned home, we were devestated to learn that all my household possessions had been cleared out of the house, including our van. We were left with nothing, and I sat there so devastated and I never cried that hard in my life, but I could not believe that my husband, whom I loved and trusted had just up and lefted. 

Anyway life goes on I came to realize. Later I found out that while my ex was working out of town, he fell in love w/ another woman, and chose her above his family. I am now trying to put my life on track, taking good care of my children. I am trying to heal, but as I head for foreclosure on my home, and as I lay awake in the same bed that my husband and I once shared I suddenly realized for the first time that no one was going to take care of us except ourselves. My struggle is quite common so I am told but that old cliche cannot ease the pain I feel. This experience I am going through will never make me trust again, nor love again. Maybe I feel this way because it just recently happened to me, but I want to remember the pain so that I will never forget that with life, you have to be on your guard. 

 He was my first boyfriend. He was a comfort to me. He made me feel safe. We had our first child 21 months after we married. She was a planned pregnancy. Next came our second daughter. She arrieved 19 months later. My husband wanted a son so we tried again. He was born 27 months after the third. 

Shortly after my son's birth, my husband became quite abusive. He was feeling the pressures of being a father and felt like he was getting old. He began to abuse me both physicallu and mentally. I considered leaving him but with 3 children under tha age of four, I stayed. Things only got worst. Because I stayed he felt he could continue his bad behaviour. He drank heavily and spent our money foolishly. We sold the family home and bought a larger one. Our debt load was now increaced. I became pregnate unexpectidly. 

After the bith of our forth child/third daughter, things began to fall even farther. She was born 16 months after our son. The hitting became more regular and he was injured at work, three months to the day, after our forth child was born.. He went on Compensation. 2 years later he moved to a neighbouring town to finish a college degree, paid for by compensation. After the first year of studies ended, he moved back into the home. He had been coming back on weekends through out the year. Within 3 weeks the children and I couldn't take it. We asked him to leave. 

I began to see a new guy. The second man I'd been with in my life. The husband being the first. This fellow was as bad as the husband. He was a drug user. I ended the relationship within ten months. He left but I had developed a drug problem. I continued to smoke pot for a couple of years. A close call with the law was all the incouragement I needed to quit. 

I left my home town, where I had lived for 32 years of my life to move closer to the ex-husband. He had very little contact with his children and I wanted him to re-establish comunication. He had a new girlfriend,She was 21 with a 4 year old boy. My ex and I do not communicate. 

Even after all this time. He still tries to hurt me ever chance he gets. My oldest child has recently moved in with him and I have been charged with assault. I did not hit her but she feels she has the right to charge me, because her father said so. She left on christmas eve. I have three other children in the home. They all seem pretty happy. They don't really want to go to their fathers for visits and I no longer encourage them too. I don't know why after all this time, we can't just get along!! 

My children are all honour role kids. They have no disiplinary problems and play classical piano. I could go on and on with all of the acomplishements they have. I know I am an excellent parent and feel now lost. The law states you can not disiple your child? How am I to raise my children if I can have no control over them? 

 Our relationship well, it needed work and we both were in our late thirties...We both had one child, his was 5 and mine was 18... His problem with his child's mother and how bad she did not understand or listen to him, or how she would keep his child from him. While, my problem was understanding the problems of a boy becoming a man. 

I was fine with my child's father, because I only told him what I needed, let it out and let it go when I was angry and he would take it and vise-versa. His new wife and I got along fine... I even asked her advice about things when our son would visit them for the summer. I made it a point to find things to like about her, for our child's sake and well it made things so much nicer. 

... [My ex-fiance] gave me lots of insight on allowing my son to breathe and not fearing his search for identity ... Well, after the problems that brought us together were resolved, some of them started to appear between us. ... I decided to break the engagement and leave because of this weird intelligence-competition we had going on. Okay, just like the story goes, that's when I found I was pregnant. 

Just imagine our court battle: survival-of-the-smartest. I tried being mature and sensible a few times only to allow his insults to lead me into the battle of whose-smart-enough-to-control-who. Now, my youngest son doesn't see his father, never has. He has partial-custody and I was proud that he asked for it, but that was just to prove he could get it. He never even tried to use it. He pays child support, on time, exact amount. And once in a while I will turn around to see him drive by after stopping to take a look at his son. We don't talk. I tried to talk, I called a few times but he hangs up as soon as he hears my voice. And then I am so angry that if he calls, I hang up on him. 

I want out of this merry-go-round, if even for my son's sake. I envision us being decent to each other and then cultivating a friendship. But, I just cannot forget, this pain that sticks me, every time. Yes, once we tried counseling. Nothing, we both ended up slinging last words at each other. Gold digger...Deadbeat...horrid mother, disappearing dad. It's as if we are the problems and fears, we helped resolve in each other when we met. The sad thing is, I miss him. It;s been 2 years and I haven't even been on a date. Well I have the baby, I run a small business and am finishing my degree, anything to fill the time, I guess. I hear he's not dating either. What a waste...if we could just talk, naaaah I'll leave it like it is. He'll just say something to make me mad and vice-versa. I guess we're just stuck. One day someone will create a seminar, book or program on "How to help parents sacrifice their own selfish-neurotic feelings, to look out for the most important one, their child/children" But right now, I just feel stuck. 

My husband doesn't act he cares about us at all. he just ignores the 2 boys. he complains when he has to seeus.

 I miss him and does the boys.

My ex and I started down the road to single parenting a little rocky. After about a year, the dust settled and everyone is amicable now. Our son sees his father every other weekend and alternating holidays. We live approximately 2 hours apart. He moved first from our home state of MO to OK. My family was in OK, so our son and I moved when the home sold to OK as well. During the first year my ex kept our son every weekend during that summer. I needed time to adjust to having him myself and my ex and son needed more time together to adjust as well. My ex also has our son ANYTIME school is out, if he chooses to. I usually give him my holidays, except Christmas, as well, because those are the best times for him to travel to see grandparents in MO. 

Child support is not an issue. He pays on time, every month. No changes, no problems. I suspect daycare arrangement for before and after care will change next school year and will forward the "savings" to my ex. I am also allowed the tax exemption each year but have agreed to every other year as long as things continue to be amicable.

I remarried very quickly and my ex just remarried this year. He declines many of my offers for more time with our son, simply because it interferes with his step children's schedules. We have worked out an agreement for our son to live with him during the summer and "visit" me every other weekend. Sort of a reversal of roles. 

My ex is invited and encouraged to participate in our sons activities; sports, teacher conferences, etc. He usually declines those offers as well. He was not very involved while we were married, which was part of the problem, so I don't expect him to be involved now. My son was diagnosed with ADD last fall. His grade and behavior have significantly improved. My ex does not believe the medication is necessary. He believes a "good spanking" is all our son needs. That's the biggest reason why I will never agree to a change in custody. At one time, I would have considered it for Mark's sake, to be with his father, to have the father/son bond when he is older, but I don't see that happening without his influence in a productive school environment. His father does not support his ADD or promote any type of learning environment while our son is in his home. Books and homework are often left undone. 

Overall, we get along fine. My wish would be for my ex to WANT to be more involved. Our decisions are made regarding what is best for Mark. Not what we want or need. We all agree on that.

My child's father denied any responsibility for this child by arguing that adopting the child was the only responsible thing to do, this nearly happened as I thought this option had its advantages and disadvantages but when I had my son I was 21 years old at the time, university educated as a reg nurse. This however didnt stop the midwives at the general hospital where I had my son from treating me in the most disgracefull manner, (i felt embarrassed and angry that one day I would have to work with these so called professionals) I was subject to disapproving looks by most of the staff and comments such as you young girls really need something behind before you decide to get pregnant. This pregnancy was not the result of a lack of contraceptives by the way. I am in that unlucky percentage of women who become pregnant by sheer bad luck. 

Anyway, when giving my child to a foster parent for three weeks I had time to think that maybe I could do this. The child's father and immediate family berated me for my decision to keep my child and still to this day do not recognise or acknowledge any relationship or child support for this child. And due to the governments police on obtaining child support whilst receiving social security they do not know the hell I have been through and how many times I have felt giving up. Because I am viewed as the greedy single mother who's just doing it for the money, not that they would ever call it blackmail. So now I'm finishing my nursing degree whilst raising a child. Just to prove that I am alot more intelligent and stronger than any of those selfish young men who do this time and time again to young women, such acts of cowardly behaviour disgusts me.

Please let it be known in your community for single parents to NEVER, EVER, USE THE COMPANY BY THE NAME OF CSSO....(Child Support Services of Ohio OR csso@netset.com). Her employee's have been reduced to her 20+ son answering phones, and many lawsuits are pending against this woman. 

I initiated the separation and the thing I miss most now was the same thing I missed when we were together. Another person to help me with my son. My ex is only around for monetary things and then with some anxiety. I always feel like I'm begging for money when I ask. As far as emotional support there isn't any. He is detached and unavailable. My son has some cavities and other dental problems and is afraid of the dentist. We had an appointment to go to a new dentist today and my ex knew about it for a month. I asked him to go with us because I felt my son could use the support of both parents but he didn't show up. How do I let go of the anger, resentment and rage I feel. I can't express any of this to my ex because he doesn't deal with it well. I feel so alone sometimes. I have one friend and my mother to talk to. I want to find a group of women that are going through or have been through what I am going through right now. My ex wants us back as a family and sometimes I consider it because money is so tight but I just can't go through with it. I waited 3 (maybe more like 9) years to get out. I expect happiness is around the corner. How long till I get back into the light? 

 Hi. I am the custodal male parent of two children, and one child from current wife, of seven years. I gained custody after going through court. This was 8yrs ago. I have heard that my case is used as example for other similar cases. 

I feel as though men are treated poorly by the judicial system. Even though I do have custody of my children. I never see a "deadbeat" mother by example hardly anywhere. The children were awarded 300 a month, combined. The biological mother only pays a third of that. And this is just recently that she has made amends to help with child support. She also has another family. Three other children are now involved. Along with a stepfather that doesn't seem to be pulling his own weight. And my children seem to feel threatened by him. With all of the above factors I am still uneasy about seeking the full child support, my children should rightfully recieve. 

I put my ex-wife through school to be a RN, to ensure the children's future needs would be met. Now I feel that working full time, extra jobs, my wife babysitting etc. Isn't enough...The children get what they need, but not all they could have. And the thought of putting them through a custody battle, breaks my heart. It was hard when they were 9mths and 4yrs. Those same children are now 8yrs and 12yrs... 

My 8yr old son dosen't ever want to go on the bi-weekly visits. My 12yr daugter likes to see her mother when she feels like it. More on the lines of once a month would be good for her. My current wife is the chilrens true physcilogical mother. They have bonded very well. And our focus is the children. She stays home with them. This decision was mutual. We both feel that children need their mom. My ex-wife tells her she is happy the children have her. That she could never do all the things that are done for the children. My ex-wife and current wife also set up times for pick up and delivey of the children. 

Don't think it is all holding hands and singing. Sometimes it is NOT. ! But it seems to always go back to us putting the children first. And the bio-logical mother putting them second to herself...

Should I press the situation of getting all the childrens support. Risk an appeal just because she is the mother, and she decided to press back.Trying to get custody just be vindictive. Get me where it hurts, take my kids. My children have even said if something happens to me they would want my current wife to fight for their custody. What should I do. The children deserve what is theirs. But What if the courts see me as a father who just wants something, or can't afford the children. Which is not the story. But If I was a mother..It would be something. Something to fight about. Because the father would be in contempt. But it is reverse. This time it is a mother of two noncustodial children and three more children of her own. I don't think I should have to support the other children, by taking up the slack, with support. Her excuse is her other family takes up her time and money. Even though her other children have fathers also. Yet in turn I don't want to hurt the other children, by pressing this issue. 

All I have learned from this situation is that you never know what to do. Just love your kids. Let them know that love is more than money. Love can do anything. If it wasn't for love I wouldn't have my family right now. Try to work out the hard times. Always let the child know that non-custodial parent loves them. (we probably say she loves them more than she tells them) Let them feel a balance. Not a pull. The child should be able to make its own choices, when it can voice its own mature decisions. 

 I lived with my daughter's father for two yrs. prior to becoming pregnant. He was angry about the pregnancy so, he left the relationship during my entire pregnancy. We began a relationship 2 wks prior to my delivery. He began using drugs while we were apart and claimed to be sober when we began trying to work out our relationship. He was lying and using drugs behind my back. He became abusive and I ended the relationship for myself and daughter. I would never date anyone who has drug and alcohol problems. 

I It seems the legal system doesn't care that parents use drugs because the judge gave him joint custody. 

 Custody of my daughter was never an issue he did not want her ..my son was never involved in custody . Financially is really hard ..he does pay maintenance the minium amount ....he sees her rarely and passes comments to her bout paying me his maintenance amount while at the same time buying ties at $95.00 each not one we are talking bout 6 ties here ....he rarely sees her and when he does she comes home with stories of what I am meant to be doing and how selfish I am etc etc .....takes me several days to get her back on an even keel ....at these times it is really hard as I would love to say things bout him instead sit there take the verbal abuse and try to handle it calmly realizing that he is just setting her up and trying to cause problems .....just hope one day she sees him for what he is 

....he walked out of the marriage with all his debts paid and no responsibilities and a new car ......I was kicked out of the family home within 6 weeks of his telling me he did not want to be married any more as he had sold the house within 6 weeks of telling me ......he had everything so planned told me at 10 pm one night he did not want to be married and at 7.30 am the next morning had papers for me to sign out of the company we had owned ....so he walked debt free and owned a profitable company ........ignorant I was and in emotional turmoil.....am like many others in that to fight for my rights costs money and i have no money .....he has one of the best lawyers in the state so am left with nothing and nothing to fight with ....resentful yes I am extremely ......his family have no contact with me.....my mother died within six months of him leaving me......self esteem I have none ......yes life is hard but my daughter comes first and if all I can do is be there for her then that is what I will do .....my daughter needs braces how I am going to get them for her I have no idea ....while life in some ways is better with out him in many ways it is very hard and at times do feel like giving up ....guess like all others a dream is shattered and how long it takes to get beyond that I have no idea ...he does not have regular contact with her though he is meant to ....he only has contact with her when the whim comes to him .....cannot discuss anything in regards to her with him as all he says well you are going to have to go and get a job again .....try telling him that a 13 year old girl at home on her own during school holidays is not a good idea and get laughed at .....I have no family living in the city and only a brother on a farm ...my son lives in another state....yes life is hard and then you get an ex and that makes it harder still .....if you think I am angry yes I am .....how long the anger lasts I have no idea how to get beyond it I have no idea as ever time I think I am getting beyond it he says or infers things to my daughter......I could go on for hours but you will have heard all this before and do not want to bore you anymore .... 

 Several weeks ago, my son's father resorted to physical violence to solve an argument we were having. Aside from the fact that he hit me, he did it in front of our two-year son. Needless to say, that night I packed my son's things and plenty of clothes for myself and we went to my parents house. We have been there ever since. We are currently in a transition stage. I am looking for a new place to live and I start a new job shortly. I am also wrestling with whether or not to allow my ex-mate access to our son. Prior to this incident, he was a loving and caring father. Should this night of violence vitiate anything good that he has ever done and prompt me to keep him away from my son altogether? Or should I give him the benefit of my doubts by looking back on all of the good things he has done for my son, and allow him to have a presence in his life. The difficult part is knowing that he cannot ever re-enter my life as a mate while trying to balance the needs of my child. Should I be the one to refuse him access to his father or does he deserve to have a relationship with him in spite of what occurred? This questions are very troubling to me. I have not made any final decisions yet. I am praying that God will give me the strength to make the right choices for me and my son. 

 My husband and I separated at my request. My three children--the oldest of whom is away at college most of the year--live with me. The largest problem I have encountered thus far is that for the last 2 months--since I actually filed for divorce--my husband has refused to speak with me at all. He hangs up if I call him and he answers, he doesn't return messages I leave on his answering machine, he returns my letters unopened. He refused (when he was still talking to me) to give me the name of his lawyer. He has not provided me with any money for support of the children for a month and a half. He has not seen our children in approximately 2 months because I insisted he must confirm plans, etc. with me and he keeps refusing to come pick the kids up because he says he does not want to talk to me. Because of this and several other things, I have concerns for his stability. (He attempted suicide after I filed for divorce and is in therapy for anger management.)

 My children are hurt, confused, and feeling sorry of their dad because he "has no one." He is conveying all of this to them through my oldest daughter, the only one he has seen and talked to. He insists he wants to see the children, but "Mom is making it impossible" because I refuse to let them go without talking to him first. I find it very difficult to explain to them that I am their protection--they would never understand why they need protection from Daddy. They do not see from an adult point of view that his actions are not of the man I lived with for over 20 years.

 I have started counseling for my two youngest children, but they have attended only 1 session thus far. I have a very stressful, full-time job, and am really feeling at my rope's end lately because I have been on "Mommy-call" 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for many months. Even when he was still seeing the children, my husband took no responsibility for the decision-making, some of which naturally was not what the children always wanted to hear. So all the children know is that Daddy took them on picnics and to the park, and Mom makes them clean their rooms and come in from outside and their friends, go to church and follow the rules.

 I am in counseling myself to help me get through all of this; my counselor says that "Someday, your children will see the truth for what it is." And I reply "But that doesn't help me get through today--or tomorrow." 

 We had a good relationship until the kids were born. He provided financially for us and helped with the children when we was around but for the most part he would not be home. He was constantly at the bars. The breakup was done by him but I wanted it too. He went to court and got temporary custody of the kids by making up lies. I had to fight to [get] them back. This made it very difficult for me to deal with him because I had so much anger toward him. Now it is getting easier to think of the children's interest only. We are trying to get along. 

... The thing that I have the most difficulty with in regards to being a single parent is that I am not single and I am not married. Hopefully I can clarify this. After you have kids and you are single it is not the same as being single. I really do not fit in. I have responsibilities that single people without kids can not even imagine But on the other hand I am not married and there is no one to share the responsibilities and my time with. Another thing that is difficult when you are a single parent is that you are ultimately responsible for the financial welbeing of the family. For me this gets very scary that I can screw up or just not make it. There is definitely more stress as a single parent but the added stress is worth it rather than living a miserable life. I think that my children will be better off not having to see their parents miserable. And what would we be teaching them? How not to have a good relationship... 

 ... My husband felt he could be a better step-parent if he could experience being a natural parent. I was cautious as I knew parenthood to be a big responsibility and I was enjoying getting back into my career. After much planning, debate, counselling and parenting courses I agreed to get pregnant. He promised to be a hands-on parent, we had set up our own businesses and the idea was that we should both work from home and share child care equally..

 ...One evening last October he suddenly announced that he wants a divorce. I was in total shock and disbelief. Our little one was only 10 months old and I was still breastfeeding. I was also loved my husband very much and thought we had worked through most of our problems. He would not get counselling with me, he blamed our problems on me, and worst of all forced myself and the children to leave our home and our beloved family pets. I was totally devastated. My parents in law gave some practical support as we were homeless. My husband took the money out of our joint business account and hid it. He changed the locks on our home. When I went back to try and reason with him he attacked [our daughter, D] and myself. I got a non-Molestation Order from the Family Court (here in New Zealand) and he presently has supervised access to D. He has had nothing to do with my other daughter since last year. We are going through Court at present as he wants to gain access to D and have her stay over (she is 21 months). I have said no. 

I find the whole process time-consuming, debilitating, stressful and I am seriously thinking of leaving the country (since I have legal custody of both girls). Before the Order was applied for I tried to let D's father have visitation rights in a flexible manner but it was terrible. He often forgot, turned up late, or we ended up having fights. I could not bring myself to deliver D back to our home that I had been barred from. He e-mails me saying I am irrational and over-emotional about the whole thing and should just "move on". Yes, I am very, very angry, bitter and feel totally betrayed. I keep trying to treat him with kindness and respect but he turns it around and abuses me both overtly and in a subtle manner. He presents his best side to the lawyers in the family court - giving the impression that he is a caring, responsible father who only has D best interests at heart.

 I concede that he probably does love D but I believe that he is seriously unbalanced, drinks too much, has a crazy sense of time and a terrible temper - as such not compatible with parenting a very dependant little toddler. I am sick of having to catalogue these issues to the court and the Mediator we have been ordered to see.

 I feel very sad that I am parenting alone and feel as if the last 10 months have been a nightmare. This is the very last thing I had planned or hoped to happen. It is sad that D's dad is not taking part in her life- and by that I mean the every day things like bathing, reading, putting to bed, night-calming etc. I am exhausted doing this alone - but I do cope. I feel very close and loving towards my girls. I feel angry that F is sitting in our home (rent free) while I am having to provide for the girls, think about all their clothes, meals, trips to school and daycare etc while he is a totally free agent who has only himself to think about. ... I am still trying to make sense of it all...

 I still miss him terribly though, and tend to only remember the good times. ... I wish I knew more single parents in similar circumstances as I feel my social life is very narrow and I do get very depressed. I hope my experiences help this survey. 

 My husband was/is an abusive man. Throughout our marriage he abused me mentally and physically even in front of the children and when I was pregnant. When I finally ended the marriage I was depressed and suffering from low self-esteem due to constantly being told I was ugly, a bad mother, a bad housekeeper, pathetic, ridiculous, wrong, etc. My husband told me that he would not pay maintenance as I had ended the marriage. He left his job and now although he is meant to pay the princely sum of $10 a week does so only when it suits him. He moved into the house we were building through a housing cooperative and left me in a run down rental property with no security and windows that would not lock. I was paying $155 pw in rent while he was paying $34.

 Fortunately I was offered public housing about 9 months after our split. I was given a lovely new house with great neighbours in the suburb I had lived in for the past 10 years. I also found a permanent full-time job within a university and now earn a wage sufficient to support my children.

 Problems continued with my husband. I tried to be friendly when he came to pick up the children for his access visits(these are generous - 4 days a fortnight and 1/2 the holidays). However F used this time as an opportunity to tell me what a bad job I was doing with the kids, and how ugly I was, and how I obviously couldn't manage, and how my friends/family were stupid or hated me, etc, etc. I found my depression wasn't lifting so I decided not to talk to J when he came to pick up the children and to take control of when he picked them up etc. Since then my depression has lifted and I am beginning to feel whole and in control of my life again .

 Since our separation my son has gone from being a timid withdrawn child to being an outgoing confident boy. His teacher says he is a popular and valuable member of his class. His grades are consistently high as is his self-esteem. My daughter has always been grateful for the separation "because now I don't have to hide under the bed from daddy." I now have neighbours who talk to me instead of avoiding me. I have a peaceful household where we can all relax and not feel that we are walking on egg-shells. It is exhausting being a single mum but not as exhausting as being the victim of a bullying man.

 F still denies that he ever bashed me - when we were together if I showed him my bruises he would say, "Who did that to you?". If I tried to talk about the violence he would beat me again. He always blamed me - and for a time he convinced me that if I did this or that he would stop his abuse. Then I realised it wouldn't matter what I did and that I was no longer myself. But most importantly I realised it was his problem and he was the only one who could fix it. 

Don't stay with a violent man - he won't change - the kids are better off away from him Don't keep the violence a secret, your greatest protection is that others know 

 We have been separated for 4 years. My husband takes my son every other weekend and every Monday. He takes him every Monday so that his child support payments will be lower. I feel this is a bad reason to take him, but he does, and it makes it possible for me to take classes. He also provides no support if I am ill, or unable to take care of my son. He will call me if he needs help, but he will not provide any help. I have guilted him into it a couple of times, but then I feel guilty. 

I have given up everything for my son, and I don't feel angry about that. I feel angry that my ex does not see what he is giving up by not being there more for his son. He has made his life more important to him than his son. 

We also have different views on child rearing. he will let my son eat candy and drink cokes til he is sick, and then wonder why he had a bad day at school. He doesn't take this consideration into account, nor does he care. 

...I also feel that companies should have to provide us more sick time. I get 6 days of sick leave a year. That means I can only be sick once every other month. That INCLUDE my son getting ill. I get 10 vacation days, and 5 holidays So total I get 21 days a year. We can't really get sick. My son can have one bought of measles, or chicken pox, and our sick leave is destroyed for the year!! What are you supposed to do? Oh yes, there is family medical leave act. but for us, living hand to mouth, there is no money to cover the fact that you took off that time. It is impossible. Other countries have open sick leave policies..... they offer 4 weeks vacation or more a year.... I suffer and my son suffers... my coworkers suffer because I feel like I have to go to work sick to make sure we have sick leave for a real emergency. I think this is one of the biggest travesties of justice. We aren't allowed to care for our sick children1!!! ARgh!!! 

 If I had the power to hate someone it would be my ex-husband. He has put me and our children through a living hell that never seems to end. About 2 years ago we began to argue constantly and while I'm not proud to admit this, I lost all respect, desire, and feelings for him other than disgust at the sight of him. He is 47 now and I'm 32. Toward the end he was happy to lay around the house and watch talk shows while I was out working 1 full-time job and 2 part-time jobs. Whenever I inquired as to him getting another job (he was/is working pt at the post office) he would reply that he couldn't find a job because he had to be home when the kids got home from school. Something I would have loved to be able to do...All my earnings were being automatically deposited into our account while his paycheck stayed in his wallet. When he began to withdraw my earnings for his spending I decided that I could do this myself. When confronted with divorce he got nasty as did I and we got violent. He held up a knife to his heart (while holding our baby) and told me to kill him. No way. When I called 911, while he was chasing me, the 911 line rang about 15 times before I hung up. a 911 operator immediately called back and my ex took the phone from me and smashed it into my face and then proceeded to tell the operator that I was beating HIM up...While I was waiting for the Sheriff's Dept. to show up I waited outside, he came outside and tried to talk me into making up a story to keep us out of trouble. (He would be automatically terminated from his pt job with the government if he were to be arrested) i declined his offer to make any deals with him...When the deputy got there, he walked up to me and said, "Aw quit 'cher cryin'" and no one was arrested. However, he was told to leave the property. My children and I stayed in the house and filed for and received a restraining order the next morning. He has violated this order about 15 times or so...nothing ever happens to him. He broke into the house and took some things. He was allowed to come into the house per the RO and remove his toiletries, tools, and clothing necessary for his job. Instead he brought a deputy and removed all the cd's that were my favorites, he left his, he took the telephones, alarm clocks, answering machine, video camera, lawn mower, weed eater, edger, blower etc. and not a stitch of his clothing...throughout the divorce proceedings it remained ugly...we eventually had to start going to the local Salvation Army for monitored exchange. I would arrive and take the kids into one room and when he got there he had to go to another room, The staff would come and take the children to him. He was not allowed to leave for 15 minutes after I left. This worked out great. When he would arrive drunk staff refused visitation, and everything was recorded. When my ex discovered that I was seeing someone, he decided he would attempt to get custody. We had a two day trial that was a nightmare to go through. 5 months after the trial, the judge finally made his final judgement. 17 pages of specific details. I got full custody of the children, shared parental responsibility, the house, and all the contents. Here's the odd part...Since I was awarded everything, the judge stipulated that I must pay ex $93.00 per month for the next 3 years to re-imburse him for his portion of the assets...I asked if I could just give him his stuff he was asking for. Since ex had said I had sold his stuff and the judge wasn't sure if I did or not (I didn't, I put it all in storage) he said that I could give what I had back but I still had to pay. Since then, my ex has decided to pay child support (more than doubled after final judgement) whenever he feels like it. We go to court Oct. 5 in front of the General Master to determine the suspension of his license. I hold no hope of his ever leaving me alone. He's called The Department of Children and Family services on me 3 times in 10 months with crazy accusations of child abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, one accusation was that th ere was crack all over my house, exposing the children to sex and letting them wander around the street unsupervised. All three times I volunteered to give a urine specimen and let them into my house, they spoke with the kids and according to the investigators, when the children were asked if they had ever seen me do/take drugs they said no but dad does. I just want to be able to have healthy communication with my ex. Even with everything he's done, I have no hate in my heart. I feel sorry for him. I'm sorry that he says nasty things to the kids about me. I'm sorry his heart is full of bitterness and a desire to destroy my. I'm sorry that he's unable to fully enjoy the kids. I'm tired of fighting with him. I have made every effort to get along with him. When he calls and says he's running late, I always work with him and adjust the schedule so that he can see the kids. I don't know what to do anymore.

 I have 2 children with 2 different fathers. I have a daughter who is 8 yrs. and a son who is 2 yrs. My daughter's father joined the military when I was pregnant with her. He tried to deny she was his for the last 7 yrs. I finally got my own attorney (I was using a county attorney) and started getting child support from him last Christmas. He just met her last week. It was very scary letting her go without me. He lives in Alaska and I live in Nebraska. She really enjoyed it, though. I'm glad after all these years that he finally faces up to his responsibilities. He is now married with 2 kids with his wife. 

My son's father cheated on me so I moved out. About a month later I found out I was pregnant. Of course, by then, he already had another girlfriend so he didn't want anything to do with me. It was a VERY bad situation. He used my daughter to get to me. I met a very nice man who became my husband. We started dating when I was about 3 months pregnant. My son loves him very much. As far as he is concerned, my husband is his daddy. He doesn't like to go with his bio father because he doesn't spend any time with him. He picks him up and drops him off at Grandma's house. He gets him 6 weeks in the summer. My son cries when he has to go with him. His biological father didn't even see him the first year of his life because it was "too much trouble" for him. 

As far as financially, with my daughter it was very difficult. I worked in a fast-food restaurant and lived in low income apartments. I couldn't give her things she wanted. With my son, my husband helped me out tremendously. We bought a house and live in a nice neighborhood. Now, neither one of "our" kids want for anything. I don't get along with my daughter's father at all but I get along with his wife. I don't get along with my son's father, either, but at least we can speak about our son. My daughter's grandma has been a big part of her life since birth. She says that even if her son won't take responsibility she is still her granddaughter. She is a very special lady and we are both very lucky to have her. 

 I left my daughter's father when I was 7 month's pregnant. There are few reasons I did this. First, even though he wont admit it (even now) he had a tendency to be violent. Sometimes on me (the first time when I was 8 weeks pregnant) but usually he would throw things. One day we had an argument, so he trashed the unit we were living in. I was 7 months pregnant. At that moment I feared for my life and that of my unborn child. So I called the police and he was arrested. Other factors caused me to leave my daughter's father. The main one was his lack of interest in even trying to seek employment. When I left work things became very hard for us financially, but he just refused to do anything about it. The other factor was his ongoing drug problem (marijuana).

 Leaving my daughter's father was probably the best thing I could have done for her. Life is hard for us financially but we are both healthy and happy. At the moment we are living on welfare. I really hate having to depend on social security. Apart from being a very small amount of money there is a huge stigma attached to being a single parent living on welfare. Many think it is an easy way to make a decent income doing virtually nothing. I cannot afford to go out, I don't smoke, drink take drugs or even rent videos. My entire income is spent on rent, bills and food. I'm lucky if I have just a few dollars left at the end of the week. However, I AM grateful for the small amount of money the government provides for people like me. I'm lucky to live in a country where the government has an obligation to people like me, even if they don't really care about our welfare. If only those people knew living like this is quite the opposite of an easy, lazy life. 

I'm studying at...University (I'm using a university computer!). I'm only studying part time. While I attend classes my daughter goes to daycare. She only goes 2 days a week, but I can barely afford it. Sometimes I feel caught in a catch-22 situation. I don't want to live on welfare any longer than necessary so I'm studying here at university in hope of a better career than being a checkout chick. However, to do this I have to sacrifice a substantial amount of money for two days of child care so I can "further" myself. The government does discount the child care fees a little. Medicare, however will only give a cash rebate (after signing two stat-decs already this year to prove that I am a student) of around $9.80 a fortnight. I usually desperately need this money by the end of the fortnight, but somehow feel like a "scab" for claiming it. I've been tempted to drop out of my course only so I can make ends meet, but if that day comes I will be very sad. I love my course; I'm doing very well- most of all I'm happy here. I've come to the conclusion on my 20something years in this world that happiness is the key to everything. Money won't bring us happiness but unfortunately survival depends on it, so it is a big issue in my life.

 Another significant factor in my life is being alone. Quite often (especially at night) i feel very lonely. I really crave the company of adults sometimes. I often feel anger towards my daughter's father for his lack of commitment to her and his denial that he has done anything "wrong" (I will never let my daughter know about the animosity between her parents). It terrifies me that as my daughter gets older she will feel abandoned and lost as a result of her father's selfishness or worse, my mothering. The "experts" keep saying that the majority of today's delinquents come from one parent families. If that is the only hope for my daughter I might as well give up on her now. That aside, I would not like to be a single parent forever. I know that my daughter will only ever have one father but i think she deserves a far better male role model than him. I would also love to have more children- with a loving man and financial security. Maybe I'm asking too much. 5 years ago I would have wished that for my first child. I've also learnt in my relatively short life that things rarely turn out the way you would imagine (for better or worse) but it IS so important to have plans.

 As I said before, nights are always hard for me. More often than not I get terrified at night. Sometimes I feel like I'm being paranoid as I lived alone for years without feeling frightened like this. In the light of day, however, I feel like my fear is quite logical. I'm a young single woman on her own with a young child-I have to think about her safety all the time. Recently (although I believe the media is guilty of creating a lot of false fear) there has been many home invasions in the metro area. One of my greatest fears is confronting an unwelcome stranger in my home. Also on a more personal level, three years ago I was robbed at knife point (it was more like a machete!) for $130 while I was delivering a pizza for the company I worked for. The area I live in isn't [one of the 'nicer' neighbourhoods] but my neighbour (who has lived there since 1981) says she has never had any trouble. Its a comforting thought.

 Something I would never do is deny the right of my daughter to see her father (no matter what kind of no hoper he is). Since she was born I take her every Sunday to see him. We usually meet at his parents' house so his family also get a chance to know my daughter. i really hate doing this. So many of my friends and family don't understand why when his family never make me feel welcome. Every Sunday I have to tell myself I'm doing it for my daughter-and no one else. I try to stay friends with my daughter's father for her sake, but sometimes he makes it nearly impossible. More times than I can count he will call me a f--king whore if we have a disagreement about something-then storm off or hang up. Often he won't call for months after this to inquire or ask to see his daughter (I would NEVER deny my daughter her RIGHT to see her father). This happened only the other day when he called me to say he is going to be a father again with his current girlfriend. I just could not be happy for him (he has not changed at all in the past 2 years-still no job, still smoking pot, still has an anger problem). He told me I was a "bitch" during my pregnancy, called me a f--king whore, then hung up. How could I congratulate him when he can't even support the child he has now? I hope he has a good , hard look at himself then attempt to make some changes; if not for the sake of his own daughter and his unborn child- then himself.

 I hope I haven't painted myself as the victim here, because I'm not. I'm not saying I was totally blameless either, because I wasn't. The only possible victim in a situation like this is the child. I was adult enough to have unprotected sex, then I should be adult enough to be the best parent I possibly can be to my daughter. I do feel, however that i tried as hard as I could to make things work, and feel I was the ONLY one willing to make sacrifices for our unborn child. its water under the bridge now and I owe it to my daughter, who never once asked to be born into such an undesirable situation to give her the best I possibly can. I'm lucky I have a supportive loving mother who would do anything for us. I lived with my mother the last few weeks of my pregnancy and the first 16 months of my daughter's life. As a result my mother and my daughter are very close. Also, as a result of us living with my mother, we are very close. My mother is my best friend. It hasn't always been that way. I'm thankful for that. 

Motherhood has profoundly changed me, even though life can be hard at times. The way I see things is totally different than my pre-child days. My daughter, although she may never know it, has forced me to grow up, to take responsibility for every one of my actions. Much more importantly my daughter has shown me how to be happy. This is the first time in my life I can remember feeling this happy and so optimistic about the future. I love motherhood (even though I'm not in an ideal situation). I wouldn't change it for anything; my little girl is the joy of my life.:) 

 I have 2 children w/2 different fathers: unwed to 1st (child now 10); and married to 2nd (child now 3). Both experiences have not been pleasant. More 1st father than 2nd. 1st contested paternity, has paid intermittent over years, although now is attempting to pay full, but owes [$N,000] in back support, not including interest of approx. $5000. Local Support Enforcement refuses to use tools at their disposal because he's made "partial pmts." over the years. He's owned 4+ vehicles, 3 houses; received [$N,000] in home repair money after a tornado (did the job all himself so his costs were minimal), but have not been able to collect any back support. Not a lot of support from his family. As matter of fact, his parents took kids, grandkids to [southern state] [>10] total, but didn't take my daughter. My father deceased, my mother no help at all-by choice.

 2nd one's father started out good after separation, but we have no relationship right now other than trying to keep him from going off on me when I do have to talk to him or see him. No support from his family either. He hates me so bad right now that I'm fearful of the effects it has on the little one, but he won't talk to me to resolve it, so I make up for it at home as best I can. I messed up the original child support amount and we are in process of going back to court to modify it (higher, of course), so it will be enough 'fuel' for him for another 9 months worth of nastiness. It's hard being a custodial parent. I want what's best for my girls and their father's seem to want what's best for them 1st and if I'm lucky, what's best for the girls 2nd. Visitation always seems to be messed up, because they forget their times or think it's at times other than what has been set up; then get mad at me when I won't release the girls because I have plans set up because it's my weekend. Never ending. 

I am pretty weary of having to worry about money, bills, daycare, maintaining a vehicle (which I am in jeopardy of losing) and having something to show for all the scrimping we do. If I knew then what I know now, who knows. This isn't what I wanted for my girls. I feel that they know they are well-loved, but I'm definitely not the best mom I could be because of all of the above and I get very angry at their fathers as well as my own family who doesn't want to be involved even remotely. I want my girls to know what a family feels like, but often feel that I've deprived them of that opportunity because of the choices I have made. They are the best though. Beautiful, bright, affectionate girls. 

 Her father and I had a short relationship and I became pregnant. Everyone, who knows him was shocked to hear he was not supportive of me keeping the baby. He thought I should give the baby up for adoption. To make a very long story short, he does not pay full child support and has not once come to see his daughter. She is only four hours away. I on the other hand have driven the four hour trip six times since she was three months old and I was nursing her at the time!! I know he loves her but he is very irresponsible, and very selfish!

 My husband and I were married for seven happy years. He was the best father any two children could ask for. After work he always gave them 100% of his attention, which was helpful for me, so I could finish dinner. He was very supportive and he loved his kids very much. 

After a funeral of a friend, I was raped. A couple of months later I told my husband, boy was that a mistake! He did not believe me. He was verbally abusive, and trying to deal with the rape and his total lack of respect for me was more than I could take. We divorced a few months later. I believe that everyone has a right to be respected, and I could not allow him to be disrespectful to me any longer.

 He remarried on the rebound to an abusive alcoholic, and who did not support him being with his children. She had a son of her own that did not see his father, and wanted my ex to father her son. For a couple of years, he would not give us his phone number because she did not want him to. The children had no way of contacting their father if they needed him. He did not come to anymore of the kids school plays, nothing. The only time the kids got to see their father was if he decided to pick them up. This was on average, maybe of once a month. He would call the night before and ask if he could pick them up, and I always said yes.

 Anyway, I had another child, and her father has never seen her. Last August my ex and his wife got a divorce. He immediately married another woman. I like her, and she does support my ex with his children, but they moved out of town a few months ago.

 I'm attractive, well educated (two college degrees), and I'll be 40 years old this year. I have three children all the time, a 14 year old daughter, a 12 year old son, and a 2 year old daughter. Two of my children are going through transitional periods in their life, one going through adolescence, and one going through the terrible twos. 

I know I can not handle all the needs of my children by myself. I have to work, and can not be their for my kids when I need to be. My oldest daughter was the best child ever, very responsible, independent, etc. until she was about 12 and a half. She is an extrovert, very popular, outgoing, gregarious, etc. I have learned the more outgoing they are as children, the more difficult they are to deal with as teenagers. She breaks every rule I have every day. She is growing up too fast. She does not have enough supervision. My 12 year old and two year are very high maintenance also.

 My main problems are that I do not have someone to discuss what to do when certain situations come up, and the children do not have enough supervision.

 I know how to solve each of my problems, I just wanted to share them with others.

 My experience in parenting started in 1992,I was 21 years old and expecting a child. The father of my daughter is a man I knew for 2 years before our dating ever started. We have only been dating for a short time before I got pregnant. After I found out I was expecting, the father took off. I don't know if he was scared or just didn't want the responsibility. I was scared and unsure of what to do. Thank goodness I had a great set of parents who were there for me. They discussed everything with me and helped me decide what to do. So, I decided that I would keep the child and raise the baby on my own. 

When my daughter was born I was more scared than ever, I guess I freaked out because when she was 4 or 5 months old I took off with my current boyfriend for a month or two. I didn't know what to do or what to think. I felt abandoned by the father and didn't know how to react, so without realizing it I in turn abandoned my daughter. After I realized what I had done I went back home to raise my baby. I promised myself that just because the father left that I wouldn't do the same as him. I was there to raise my child the best way I knew how and I made that my lifelong goal. I had a major responsibility to take care of. As I started adjusting fairly well with raising my daughter, I found out I was 4 months pregnant with my son. That is when I really started freaking out, I wasn't sure if I was ready for another child. I had taken birth control that had apparently failed and was shocked to hear the news. 

The man I was with was a very dependent person. I had to constantly fight with him to find and keep a job. I had to tell him that he had to have a job or I was going to put the baby up for adoption, because I knew I couldn't raise another child on my own Not at that time anyway. My daughter was only 17 months old when my son was born and I was afraid that I would abandon him like I did with my baby girl. So, my boyfriend agreed to work and support us, so I kept my son. My boyfriend ended up quitting his job only two weeks after the baby was born and wouldn't look for more work. So, I figured that I had to take action. I went back to school and got my G.E.D. in 2 months. The agreement I made with the father was that he took care of our son while I went to school and that I would pick him up on the weekends. That didn't exactly go the way I had planned, when I went to pick up my son I found that all of his food was still there. My son had not been fed, the excuse I got from the father was that he wouldn't eat for him. I was furious. My kids have never had a problem with eating, so I took my son packed up all of his stuff and took him home and never brought him back to the father. 

I ended the relationship after that and I continued to raise my children while attending school. I then started nursing school and stayed with it for the next 2 years. During that time I had still not heard anything from either father all I knew was that my son's father wasn't paying child-support. Which didn't really surprise me because he was too lazy to work. I just moved on with my life and had an excellent job making enough money to support my children. It wasn't until recently that I have been in contact with both fathers. My daughters dad was in prison for 5 years and had just been released. I let him see MY child once then told him that he is going to start paying child-support before getting visitation. I say MY child because I was the one who raised them without any help from them. 

Then my sons father came into the picture only because the State had taken him to court for non-payment. I got upset then because it took the State taking him to court for him to finally start paying. Why couldn't he pay before? Well, I guess he figured that since he was paying now that everything was okay and that he automatically got all of his visitation rights back. He's wrong! Two payments doesn't entitle him to think that he can see him anytime he wanted. We went to a mediation and planned out special times and dates that he could visit. We agreed that for three weeks we would meet once a week so me, my son and the father could get reacquainted (only us three). The first visit he broke our deal by inviting his girlfriend and his family. I didn't really mind that to much because I was friends with his family and haven't seen them in years. By the third or fourth visit they were already calling asking if my son could spend the night. Then after I had informed the father and his girlfriend that I had canceled a couple visits they decided they would come over anyway. Then his girlfriend popped up and asked me if I would sign my son over to them. I thought she was crazy for asking. I couldn't believe that she had the gall to ask me that. I wouldn't give my child to them if they were the last living relatives he had. So, in conclusion, I have a big problem with the fathers seeing my kids because they didn't care enough before so why should they care now. Plus, I raised them by myself so far I would have no problem doing it for the rest of there lives.

 Thank You for the opportunity to speak my mind Sincerely Yours, 

 Well, where do I start, I am single, I got pregnant, I moved in with the boyfriend. I had to leave for a while, move out, and being the stupid idiot I was I took my son over there and left him there so I could get some stuff done. I came back and they refused to give him to me, so I called the police and ended up getting him back. For 1 year after that he never called to see how the baby was doing, never offered to help in any way, he took me to court to get visitation, and still to this day never pays support, now he only gets 6 hrs on Saturday. He picks the baby up and drops him off. He looks so happy when he drops my son off, if it were me I would cry!!!!! I just can't Understand why he don't really care. I can see it in him. 

 I lived in an emotionally abusive environment with my ex, basically I had no power over decisions that were to be made. even with my own time and life, he had complete control over me. The decision to leave was an extremely hard one to make, as I knew that I would have to leave with nothing. He is a reasonably well off man, but he was prepared for my departure, and has hidden all his assets. When I left I took basically only personal items, no cash and very little furniture, he now claims that all our house hold goods where given to us by his mother, I have seen a lawyer and the expense of fighting him is astronomical and requires up front payments, which of course I am not in a situation to do.. We owned a company together, which again he has somehow made disappear, legal aid will not help as they will deal with custodial issues only. The House we lived in was put in to his mothers name when we married with my husband as the second owner, and a mortgage placed over his share of the house, so that if I ever left I could not claim the family home. He has now decided to go to uni, and because he has hidden the money he is actually claiming austudy, this of course makes it appear to the government that he has nothing, and I of course receive no financial support from him. I have been fortunate that my sister allowed me to move in with her, so that I have not needed the basic essentials, but again this is not an ideal situation and in fact with in 3 weeks she will be moving out, leaving me in a dire situation with no basic house hold goods. The adjustment of being the financial provider for my children and the responsibility of being the only decision maker is tough, as I am not use to having to make these decisions, I am finding it very tough to budget, as money was never a problem in my previous situation. This would be the most difficult aspect of being separated, and if I could just solve this issue, and not feel so guilty about making my children live in near poverty, I would then be able to justify my separation. At the moment there are times I wonder if it was really worth it, I seem to be living each day as it comes worrying continuously about the next day , and what am I going to feed the children. I have tried to express my concerns to my ex , tried to make him realise that he is punishing the children by punishing me. I have even been to see his mother about my situation, unfortunately they are of Greek background and I am seen as a very bad person for having left. and basically told that I have made my bed so I have to put up with it. The issues that I face are innumerable. I knew when I left that I would find it tough, well I wasn't wrong. It is tough. Simple things such as excursions that the children have to go on for school causes dilemmas with the house hold budget, not to mention the access , this overall has not been a problem but he doesn't take my daughter to ballet on his weekend with he has every second week. We have come to this arrangement with no official help. and we have not been to court over any issue. there are probably things that I could do to improve the situation, but I find my motivation and drive has gone, I don't want to fight him, I don't have the energy to fight him. this causes problems with in my family as my sister continuously presses me to go to court. Again this would or could cause problems for me, I hate to admit it but he still has power over me, I enjoy having every second weekend off, I know this is selfish but if I fight him over money I know he has the power to refuse having the children. so it is live in poverty and barely cope, or probably even if I fight him, live in poverty and be attacked by him. the choice is not easy, and the outcome unknown, I keep living in hope that he will realise that it is unhealthy for the kids to live the way they are living, and I am not sure of his motives. His mother has expressed a desire to have the children her self, so that they would have a better life, this is one option that I will not take. there is of course much much more that I could say. and please forgive me for the very rumbled way that I have written. I suppose my thoughts are very scattered at the moment and I wonder if I will ever get my life on track, oh yes I am a student by the way, but even this motivation seems to be dying in me. 

 It is very hard being a separated single woman with 2 children to look after. It is very lonely and a financial strain. I love my children very much but find it hard to have some time to myself, to go out and to find someone who I can share my time with and also understand my children. There has been many nights I have sat down and cried but I have no-one to talk to. I sometimes cry to my son who says "don't worry mum I'll be your man", but it is unfair to express my loneliness to him. Sometimes I just feel like my world is falling apart and wish I was dead. I know my ex-husband would look after our children and I could be their guardian angel. It would be nice to be able to meet some people who are in the same situation. I was the one who made the mistake in the first place and have regretted it but I cannot undo what I have done. I should follow my own intuition instead of listening to other people and getting all confused. 

 I left my husband when it became clear he was an alcoholic and would not try to quit. He only liked to play with our 2 year old when he was high, included driving. I stood my ground and we split up. He is a lawyer and punished me in court 3 times. went deep in debt but, again, stood my ground. He is 1 1/2 years sober (not recovery in my opinion) and I have custody. We share her a lot better now. And she is old enough to tell me everything. I can tell it's ok. For me the important thing was knowing she needed one parent who was focused totally on her, I did understand that when I decided to become a parent.

 Now she is old enough for me to start thinking of myself as a woman again, not just a parent. But I feel very good about myself in that I did what I needed to do for her well-being. She loves for the 3 of us to be in the room together, I see him more than I would wish, otherwise. I don't know what it will be like as I start dating again (I do have someone in mind). I know she will compete for my time as she has always had all of me. I wonder how my x will view another man in her life ( he isn't jealous about me I'm sure).

 So for me the biggest issue in the whole separation issue was really understanding that she is young for so short a time and how critical that time is to give her every bit of love and security I can, to do what I need to do to keep her safe and know that as she grows up my time will come back to me...even if I'm not ready to give up her sweet babyhood yet. 

 I am a young single mother. I recently turned 23 and am in the process of raising an eleven month old. Unfortunately, in my case, shortly after my son was born, my baby's father decided to abandon his responsibilities. This came very much as a surprise to me because I had been in a 3 and a half year relationship with him. Well, I made the decision to take my ex to court so that he would at least be held responsible to pay for child support. As luck would have it, he was awarded visitation to our son every other Sunday. I realize that rightfully by law, you cannot keep a father from seeing his child but in my case, the father had a pattern of abusive behaviour and my biggest fear was if something should ever happen to our son. I've filed for sole custody of our son but I'm still awaiting for the courts to make a final decision. I don't know what it's like for single mothers in the United States, but I'm quite unhappy with Canada's laws. Where's the justice in my situation! 

 I am separated and waiting on a final divorce from my husband. I left him two years ago and lost my home, bought a condominium and supported myself with my life savings. I may still lose the new home which is very comfortable for my nearly 8 year old son and myself. My former husband is mentally and emotionally underdeveloped. I met him when I was 21 and lived with him for 7 years before our marriage. When we bought our home together I was 28 he was 38; I had our son at 30 and he is a dynamite kid. Doesn't appear to have any of the mental impairments his father has thank God. 

I feel now, that many women out there should and could make a successful break from an abusive situation if they had the support of family and friends. My family did not support me in my decision and in fact, here it is two years later and after the foreclosure/sale of the marital home, one aunt found him a place to live -- no one in the family was interested in finding me and my child a place to live, even after the father staged a break-in to "scare me a little." This type of emotional abuse is not nearly as easy to document as the physical abuse -- but is just as deadly and significant in the formation of the child's ego.

 I give thanks daily that I found new "family members" through church and school-based organizations such as cub scouts who are kind and generous in their time -- sometimes all you need is a listening ear. And, most of all, I think those of us who successfully remove ourselves and our children from unhealthy home situations are to be commended. No, it is not easy, the employers will discriminate against those who have sole responsibility for children, etc. But don't give up hope -- if you are the parent who has made a choice to give your child an even chance in the world, I give you my honest prayer -- success is often measured in my life now on a small scale. I focus on the days when I can move through a schedule without feelings of overwhelming frustration and depression. Those are the days of triumph for me. My kid's smile is the greatest pick-me-up in the world. 

I forgive my family, but I don't know that I will be able to forget their indifference. Seems to me when a woman is beaten up she can count on sympathy -- but even then she may not get support. Let's not forget those who have faced a BEATING DOWN -- loss of emotional stability, self esteem and confidence. These women (and some men). should be cheered and supported. Reach out, sometimes it only takes a kind word or a listening ear. Those who have been damaged are sometimes the only ones capable of helping others to heal.. 

 Some days, I wish I had gotten an abortion. If I knew that being a single parent was going to be such hell, well, you know what I mean. I am 22 and I live at home with my parents and I attend college. Some days, living at home is hell as well, but I consider the alternative: my parents could have thrown me out of the house and I'd have to live on welfare and forget about school. I try to bide my time and just finish school so I can move on out. I know my parents do a lot for [my son], but I wish they would make up their minds about the role [his] father should play. They were mad when he left me to raise [our son] by myself. They were always asking when was he going to visit, how come he don't send money or clothes, and on and on. Then when [he] does send money and clothes and asks to visit, they want to start up about how he left me and how stupid I was, blah, blah, blah. I have to actually sneak out to let [my son] see his father when he does come to visit. If I had it my way, I would let [the father] see [our son], but it would have to be on my terms. He would have to call ahead and send money on a regular basis. 

I know that you are wondering about child support. I wanted to pursue it, but my parents said that having [my son] the way I did (not being married and being with someone not of our social class) was embarrassment enough without taking it to court and having everyone in town know about it. Oh well. I work, and his father does send money when he doesn't have a girlfriend to spend the rest of paychecks on. The last time I asked him for money, he claimed that he was trying to go back to school (he was going on a full basketball scholarship, but dropped out to move to Texas when I had [our son]. I kept going and received 2 Associate's Degrees at the same time and now working on 2 Bachelor's Degrees at the same time) . But I know the truth: he has a new girlfriend and he gives her money. That's why he says he's broke. Me, I get lucky and find a boyfriend who gives me a $20 here and there in emergencies every once in a while. The last guy I had like that went off to the Army, but he still sends a little every once in a while. It helps. 

My relationships, well, they amount to a little something. [My son's father] really burned me, so I don't go out looking for love. ... I want to get married, but I know it won't happen, not as long as I'm living at home like some perpetual teenager with rules that are not clear. I know guys are turned off by that and I have lost some decent guys that way... I have been hurt before by guys who claimed to be so good and right. I can't help it; I wait for the other shoe to drop, for the guy to do something wrong. It's been like this with all my relationships after [my son's father]. And when the guy does something wrong, I'm gone and I'm back to my casual affairs. It's my way of making damn sure I don't get hurt again. 

I guess I have rambled enough. I hate being a single parent living at home with my parents. It probably wouldn't be so bad if I was living on my own and had my career established and everything. At least I could market myself for marriage material. I wish I had gotten an abortion. Don't get me wrong, I love my son. I do everything I can for him, but it's just so stressful living at home and going to school and having listen to stuff that makes no damn sense at home and I just get tired and wish I had gone through with the abortion. 

...Sometimes, I don't want to be married because as an African-American, we believe in family. I know that if and when I get married, my husband will want children of his own (it's only fair) but I don't really want any more children. They'll tease [my son] because they don't share the same father and then there will be resentment between them and maybe between my husband and me and then he'll leave and it'll be [my son's father] all over again. 

 I've been divorce for one year and that was the best thing that could have happen for me. I thank God today, every day for giving me the ability to make that first step. I have not had any dealing with my X since our separation in 1995. But he is still interfering in my life, especially my love life. I don't know what else to do to get this man out of my life, if you have any suggestions, please send them. 

 My mistake was marrying a man who claimed his ex was crazy and we would make a beautiful child together. We married and he moved in with his 2 youngest aged 8 and 11 He quickly dumped contact with 3 of the 4 children he had sole custody of, the beautiful child arrived and he quickly dumped the 4 th child of his first marriage i realised he wanted nothing more than a mother for himself i dumped him two years later and have been trying to recover ever since.

 it hurts to have been used but it hurts more to see the damage and distrust he has created in his 5 children through the lack of interest and the lies he told about his 2 wives and his activities

 he has entered a new relationship and she has exited a physically abusive relationship of 17 years. She wants nothing more than a man who doesn't beat her and he always said what more do you want? I don't go to the pub or beat you! perhaps they have met their perfect match god help her 2 daughters 14 and 7

 i was a rescuer and he was a user a co-dependent situation

 i am not ready for a relationship yet, although my child would like a father figure who would enjoy interacting with her and talking with her.

 he resents paying maintenance or spending time with children that do not gain him access to the bed of his present or future sexual partner.

 football is his interest in life Carn the crows 

 Things were great in our marriage until I became pregnant and it was a planned one. We were married for 2 years and thought it was time, it then took me 2 years to get pregnant. Before we were married I was able to keep up with his fast drinking partying type of live. Neither of us were extreme so I naturally thought that we would both settle down to family life. His plan was different I settle down while he got worse. Started running around with other women. So, after 3 years of that I left....

 There I was a 30 year old single mother...not like I pictured life to turn out to be. I love [my daughter] dearly...her Dad loves her too.... Our Divorce and custody was basically boring he just went along...when the judge asked him about planned visitation his reply was 'I don't know what I will be doing'. I think that statement sums it up. We did go to court a couple of times when I tried to get him to pay support. I managed to get some..but he worked under the table.(cash)

 Our daughter did poorly in school for the first 4 years struggling sometimes. I think I was too protective towards her and she matured slowly. I guess I thought I had to make it up to her for the Divorce...guilt is something mothers learn to live with. This break down in 'What we are suppose to do' My mother felt I should've hung in and 'stand by your man'. 

I sometimes worry about raising her on my own as it is difficult to single parent. Your child doesn't have any experience with dealing in a family situtation where there are more than one point of view...she can only use what 'I' teach her, in the day to day. Her Dad is loving but not very intellectual but somewhat intelligent. 

Life is generally a struggle meeting the demands of your child, their school, holding down a stressful job, maintaining a house (at least I own my own small house) There is no time for me, it's been a couple of unsuccessful relationships primarily because I am a devoted mother and no man (well those who have not fathered your child) understands that fully. 

Things are looking up for [my daughter], she is finally doing better in school, grade 5. She has matured now I fear the teens. I hope I can steer her in the right direction. As for me 36 year old single mother...still attractive petite but still remains alone as a mother. Still no time for me if I want to be an effective parent and there is no room for mistakes.

Cheers from Canada

I am a 31 year old, single, disabled custodial father of my eight year old daughter. I gained custody of her three years ago when her mother refused to let me see [her] and her mom was telling her that I wasn't her father. My ex-wife dissolved our relationship because she wanted to party instead of taking care of her responsibilities. In the custody battle, [my ex] settled out of court at the last minute for three weekends a month, shared major holidays, and two weeks each month in the summer. This is more than any court would have given her. 

Since I have had [my daughter] with me, [my ex] has seen her less than 50% of the alloted visitation. On a few occassions I have had trouble with [my ex] returning [our daughter] on time. But, I would have to say that the thing that bothers me the most is [my ex] refuses to pay child support. Last year she was working and quit her job to escape paying child support. The Domestic Relations found out and ordered her to report every two weeks with a job search form. Apparently she did not do this because we have to go to court on this matter. Come to also find out that [my ex] has been working since this past August and never reported that either. If this was me who did these things I would have been thrown in jail a long time ago...

 When women wanted equal rights to men then they need to accept the same responsibilities as men there are no acceptions!!!

 I am having extreme emotional difficulty, having been left by my husband after 12 years of marriage and 14 years of knowing him. It came as a shock, as one day he came home and told me he loved me for all I did for him but just wasn't in love with me anymore. He said he isn't happy and is going to set forth in seeking it elsewhere. He said he can not stay in a marriage where he feels no love for me. I love him very much and have been crushed by this. There was little or no leading up to this. He kept it inside and said he kept thinking his feelings would change. He has always been materialistic and never seemed happy unless we bought something or did something new. He was deprived as a child and I guess he was trying to make up for what he didn't have then, at my expense.I always tried to make him happy and did nice things for him and because he came from such a disfunctional family.

 I am a very giving person and always try to help others in need. He used to tell me I'm the only person who has ever truly loved him. I can't understand why he would leave then. I don't know what he's searching for, or if he has found someone else who can better fulfill his needs. Our son is very confused about what his father has done and is very angry at times, seeming to take his frustrations out on me. I carry all the emotional, financial and responsibilties alone. It is so very difficult! I am trying to be strong, but I have very little strength, because I have no understanding as to what went wrong... We will be ok someday, but the days seem to last forever. Time moves so slowly when you've been hurt so badly... It will be hard to trust another man again, thinking I will be taken advantage of again someday. I have sought counseling, but it hasn't really helped thus far... 

It's been two months now since I left my husband, got a new job and moved to a different city. At first it seemed impossible that I could do this all by myself, fortunately I have a lot of support from family and friends. I really believe if it wasn't for them I don't think I ever would've done it. My life now is harder but at the same time is easier because I feel I am in control, something I lost when I met my husband, so it feels nice to be in control. My finances are actually better than before, I was a stay home mother, so again he was in control because I dependeded on him for money, both of my kids are still going to private schools, and we live in a small but very nice apartment in a very nice neighborhood. 

My kids are my life, my oldest (9) is a very smart, loving, sensitive young man, cares a lot about other people and what goes on around the world, sometimes acts up and complains (nothing serious), but I think he's adjusting well to the changes, he misses his friends a lot from back home and he's also concern about the crime in the city where we live now (Unfortunately, that's what watching the news sometimes will do to your kids). [The youngest] (3) started going to school over the fall and loves it, seems to be adjusting well. They've been spending more time with dad than ever before. I think my soon to be three year old doesn't quite understand what's going on, at first she was asking about daddy all the time, she doesn't do that anymore.

 My husband is still very angry, but doesn't talk to me about it, well, once in a while he will blame me for stuff, I just try not to engage in these kinds of conversations with him I feel there's not use at this point in our relationship. I am very excited for the plans I have for next year and the years to come, so all I wish is to have health, PEACE and understanding among us, I want nothing else.

Have faith in yourself!!

If you had asked me about divorce even six months ago, I wouldn't have had a clue. Now, thrust into a world I knew nothing about, I am learning, coping, thriving.

 My husband of nearly ten years walked out on me on Mother's Day of this year. The timing is somewhat symbolic.

 I have been more than nice in enabling access to the children. I have traded weekends, and have maintained that all he needs o do is call and they are his for an evening.

 Still, the conflict we experience is in the fact that he wants them to live with him, 30-minutes away, for one-half of the time. (We have a 5 1/2 year old and an 18 month old) I feel that the children are much too young to be bounced from household to household. He is living with his parents and I feel this places a great deal of burden on them.

 I'm not opposed to an arrangement whereby they spend the night during the week at a later age, but I feel they are too young now to be away from home (not just mom) for several days at a time.

 I welcome thoughts from anyone who can shed light. I'm working to be fair to the children. This home is all that they have ever known. I want to do what is best--to enable them to have the best of all worlds. So, any answers? soldham@iquest.net

 ... I am really saddened because I had no idea that my husband was leaving he never returned from work.....He coached my little boys football team...he never even bothered to call up the kids parents or anything yet he has the hide to say he wants to see his kids he let my son down and for that what I have been reading in this http:// I am quite amazed this guy was not thinking of the kids he was thinking if him self I am shocked and not affraid of this.....

 please advise me:-ponnie28@weitech.com.au

 I am a single parent of my daughter. My son is of age and now is on his own. My relationship with my ex-husband is relatively good. We try to keep communication open in order to maintain a healthy relationship for our daughter and son. When we first separated my ex-husband wasn't involved much but since he has remarried he takes more of an interest in our daughter. He pays a low amount of child support but he pays for things that our daughter needs. For example, pull-ups, school fees, school activities, extras at daycare etc... My daughter and I do live in a low income housing project and she is exposed to undesirable influences. My level of comfort is a lot lower than my ex-husbands. My daughter is starting to realize that there is an income difference. For the most part we get along good and our focus is raising our daughter as healthy as possible. My ex-husband takes part in my daughters school activities and school conferences. I hope to maintain open communication with my ex-husband.

Given the opportunity males can develop the same protective instincts [as women]. I think we don't because we are at work and "makin the bacon". I have been a single custodial parent of a daughter since she was 3 1/2. I only won custody by default. (her mom is into drugs and the party scene). I have developed a special bond with my daughter, who is now 8 1/2, over the years that I know would not be possible had I only seen her a couple times month. I am the one who bandages knees, brings comfort when she is sick, cheers when she succeeds, gives her encouragement when she fails, given her the love she deserves...........and so on. I can pick her bobbing head out of the water in a crowded public pool. What I'm trying to say is a male can be a loving successful single parent. 

I go out of my way to help [my daughter] see her mom when and if she calls. I don't do it for her mother I do it for her, My love for [my daughter] is the reason. I can't understand singleparents using the children, (that they claim they love) as weapons. I have bad feelings for [my daughter's] mom but I would never keep her from seeing her mom, and it is OK for her to love her mom. I wish her mom would put a little more effort in seeing her. We only see her every other month or so. I don't receive CS and although I could use the money I would rather just raise [my daughter] without the hassle of trying to get her mom to pay, I fear her mom would avoid seeing her because she is behind with her payments and I don't want that to happen to my little girl... 

I believe all children should have access to both parents (in some degree). If we love our children we won't use them to hurt the ones who hurt us.

 I have had custody of my children for 7 yrs. It is truly a challenge. My 2 daughters have full access to their mother and spend almost all weekends with her. My x pays child support in the amount of 100 dollars per month, far below the maximum I could receive, however she is currently 1500 dollars behind. This has no bearing on my attitude concerning visitation: they need their mother and I need a break. Fortunately I have a good job, making in excess of 60,000 dollars annually and hours that are very flexible. I feel truly fortunate in that respect. I am able to attend all school day functions and am home nearly the same time they arrive from school. I do receive help and support from my family but it is generally not required. 

I have had many problems with my children, I believe in result of my divorce, but have managed to overcome these problems with understanding, patience and lots of counseling. I plan to remain single until my children are of legal adult age. 

 I was happily (or thought so) married for close to five years. Our son was planned. My ex attended the sonograms, the birth and was an attentive father. When my son turned 6 months old - out of the blue- my ex came home and told me that he couldn't be a husband/father anymore and abandoned us. Not once since then has he bothered to check up on his son, visit him nor ask about him. Getting child support is also a struggle, although the courts are on my side. When my ex was nine months old himself, his father abandoned him as well. Only now in his adult life, have the two of them developed a friendship. My ex justifies his leaving and not needing to share his time with his son by saying that once his son gets older, the two of them can become friends!

 We are not friends nor do I want him near my son anymore. I will leave the choice of visitation strictly to my son. Although I will not badmouth his father to him, I'll be honest in saying that his father is just not responsible.

 ...Why do holidays often seem to be the hardest times for... a "single" parent? I mean...okay...so its not all that bad... I "did" do the eggs with my kids and had a lot of fun... I bought them a few little surprises that I know they will like... and I know we will have a terrific roast with all the fixins'. So why do I feel so down about it?

I think I'm just tired of doing all these holidays alone (other than the kids) each year. It's been 7 years for me as a single parent... I often feel that during these holidays... I have soooo much responsibility weighing solely on my shoulders (I'm the one who makes it or breaks it??? *childhood memories*)... it can be overwhelming at times. I have a hard time sticking to the "true" holiday meanings...because I'm too busy trying to make up for the childhood memories my kids will never have...[and thinking about] all the years I have missed out on "sharing" childhood memories in the making.

...This is just my first few weeks... but... so far, I've found the single parenting thing to be very frustrating. It's hard to be the only one. I'm exhausted and I have no relief. There's no one to take them away while I cook dinner to take care of them when I have a cold (like now).

I've also found it exhilarating. I'm the only person that decides things like whether they can have dessert before dinner or which kindergarten to send [daughter] to or which babysitter to use. Its hard to make decisions on my own at first, but I'm getting better at it.

Another frustration is being dependent on my s2bx for financial reasons, and for babysitting when I can't get someone else (I'm just getting used to the idea that I just can't call him whenever I need to get milk or whatever). 

I'm also really pleased at the decreased laundry load :) and the fact that I no longer have to take into account my s2bx's food preferences when I cook. Now I can cook just for the kids... it's a relief.

 The relationship ended rather violently and this in it's self has been difficult to deal with. My ex-husband left town after I took out a restraining order and we had peace for almost a year. This year he returned and it has been hell. I cannot believe that the family courts can insist on forcing me to endure this on going pain on the pretence that it is in the childrens' best interest to have access. I know for them it is important to have a relationship with their father, but I can not understand why I have to pay such a high price for this. It was hell being married but at least I could basically live my own life, now it seems he has a crack at everything. 

I am desperately trying to build a life for us. I study full-time at uni. and was awarded a scholarship recently, so I'm not sitting around I work hard to achieve the goals I have set, and he seems to be able to swan in and wipe them out, with the blessing of the courts. I must have rights. I bend too easily to try and make it work so we can all be happy. But I seem to be getting the short end of the stick. All I want is to go to bed one night without that sick feeling in my stomach, and wake up wondering what hell today will bring. I left him so I didn't have to endure this. When will it stop? I want to be happy, I deserve to be happy. God I'm only 30. I need a life.

 ...My middle daughter has...a special set of problems. At times it can be vey intense being with her and I really need time out - that's when you really feel the pinch on being alone. I like being on my own. I wish he would sod off though, I'd give up all the money, everything, just for him to disappear. I live in hope. 

 Father moved out of state when my daughter was three. Boy was I relieved!! No more cockamamie joint custody bullshit--I was not in favor of shuttling my child around like a football from the time she was 4 months old (when we separated). currently my daughter spends a few weeks in summer with him--up to five or six. She also spends some school vacations--part of the Christmas holiday, etc. with him. The interesting thing about this I think is that we do not talk to one another beyond a 2 minute conversation--the rest is done by fax or a third party (my current husband/ his former wife). There was a good deal of acrimony for the first 5-7 years so we have established this as a way to deal with any joint issues. He pays child support and for the most part has kept it regular and does pay half medical expenses. In return I have not raised the amount set over ten years ago. I am glad to not have to deal with him and would prefer to keep the same arrangement for as long as possible, but realize that as she enters adolescence we may need to communicate more about our standards for her--what she is ready for, etc. 

 I gave birth to my daughter just 4 months shy of my 19th birthday while I was in my 1st year of college. I did not tell the father that I was pregnant nor did I notify him of the birth of his daughter. I basically made all the decisions for him. I decided that he was not mature enough to handle being a parent and that I could effectively raise her on my own. During my daughter's first year of life I slowly began to realize that I could not kept her existence away from her father. I began to get in touch with old friends and told them about my daughter. However, some of these people were more eager than I was to get the information to [my daughter's father] and he called me before I had a chance to call him. Needless to say he was very angry that I kept all this from him. 

The situation becomes more complicated when I learned that his present girlfriend was pregnant and planning to give birth to their child soon. [My daughter's father] expressed his wish to be a part of [my daughter's] life but didn't know how. Again, I took the responsibility away from him and told him that I could take care of myself and our daughter. I agreed that he will always be her biological father but that maybe someone in the future may actually take on the role as parent. In retrospect, I see myself as very defensive and he as confused and powerless. The message he obviously got from our meeting was that I wanted no contact with him. I didn't know what I wanted then. He left me with a picture that day address to his daughter and that was it.

 [My daughter] is six years old now and has been asking about her father since the age of three or four. Nothing hurt me more than her simple question of "where's my daddy?" It still caused my stomach to turn. My first instinct was to ignore that question or to quickly dismiss it. However, I have always felt that what was convenient for me was not always what was for my daughter's best interest. I always answered the question like: "Your daddy lives far away. He would like to see you but he can't. But he loves you very much and wishes he can see you. Maybe you should draw him a picture..." I have kept numerous pictures and letters she had me write over the years.

 I have always tried to fill the void that I believe my daughter has. I have made her environment as comforting and safe as possible. I would say I am a very doting mother. She needs that security of knowing her mother will always be there for her. [My daughter] has grown up to be such a vivacious, intelligent, beautiful, caring, clever child - I couldn't wish for a better daughter. She has brightened my world and opened my eyes to so many different perspectives. Being a mother has been the most fulfilling role in my life. 

Recently, her father called. He has, since we last spoke, married his girlfriend and been the father of another daughter. He expressed that he very much wants to be a part of his daughter's life and thinks about her all the time. I understand these feelings have to do with a lot of guilt he must be experiencing. I was very nice and sympathetic to his situation and he was very respectful of mine. He gave me the option to choose what was best for [our daughter]. [She] has been wanting this for so long how could I deny her a life [with] her father? 

However, I did not quickly agree to a meeting. I spoke to friends and family in addition to [the father] and his wife to see how we can safely approach this situation and not traumatize the kids. We all agreed that we had the children's best interest in mind. I questioned [the father] on his intentions. Was he here just to lessen his own feelings of guilt or did he really want to begin building a relationship with our daughter? I made it quite clear that once he enters this relationship there will be no turning back or second chances. I was not willing to have my child hurt just because he wanted some pat on the back. 

After many conversations and an in person meeting (with his wife) I decided that it would be the best for [my daughter] to gradually build a relationship with her father. I slowly and cautiously approached the topic. It was a week and a half long process. I began with the topic of families. [My daughter] has always understood about different kinds of families: ones with both a father and mother, ones with just one parent, ones with grandparents, aunts and even adoptive parents. The only important thing a family had to have was love. And [she] gets that and then some from our large, extended family.

 Then I introduced the topic of fathers, how some live with their children and some do not. She answered that it was just like her father! I took this as an invitation to begin discussion about her father. She was very receptive. I asked her "What do you think about getting you dad's phone number and calling him?" and she answered with an enthusiastic "yes!!" A few days later she called her dad and they had an amazing conversation. [She] was so happy - no, esthetic- that her enthusiasm became infectious. She told him about all the things she was doing (soccer, gymnastics, etc.) and about starting 1st grade soon and "when are you going to visit me"...I listened on with a racing heart and weak legs.

 Well, he's going to come and visit this weekend. [My daughter] couldn't be more excited. She has told all her friends that her daddy is coming to visit (prompting some of her of friends to question their moms about their dads...). We'll see how this goes. I'm very nervous and I will do all I can for this to go well for my daughter. I feel confident that we all approached this situation pragmatically and sympathetically to the other person's feelings. I just want the best for my child. 

 Well, this is the weekend with no kid. I look forward to it, peace and quiet, do something for myself, get the house clean, do some gardening, or just do nothing.... as much as this is what I look forward to it leaves me a little empty most of the time. I try to get out of town when I can. There's lots to do in the mountains, and I love to camp, fish, and hike....(why am I sitting here right now??) I find myself, when doing these things, still with "kid in mind" and wish he was there. I guess many people must have this "problem," other than maybe the parents who opted for the easier (emptier) life of leaving it all to the ex except for maybe the occasional week or two in the summer for "the visit." Don't read me wrong, a lot of people, especially those who live a good distance from their ex. or those who just got screwed in court have no choice but to live with these situations, didn't opt.

 But here we are, single parents, most of us didn't set out to have this title, but here we are anyway. I am trying to find the "emotional" side of myself so I can provide my son with the ~mothering~ that he needs on a day to day basis. This is hard for me as I am a private person. It is much easier to open up a little to people I don't "know" on a more local basis... I am still trying to find that balance between son and self and to provide for the inner needs of both of us. I try to promote the relationship between my son and his mom even though I really think she is the anti-Christ. It's tough to do that encouraging....it's tough not to bad mouth her.... especially when he comes home with another story about something she said or did that was terribly inappropriate to do in front of a four year old. I just try and give him the best moral base I can so he can make his own choices about her actions without me needing to do any bad mouthing.....

Anyway, it's a tough thing...being a single parent... but it is still just as full of the wonderful things that parenthood really is...just not as easy. I guess that's why it takes two to make a baby in the first place...

[At work] they have the attitude that they have me where they want me, because I am a single parent. And therefore can't afford to lose my job and will do whatever they demand. I have enough stress in my life without this added to it...

My ex still has not told all his family that we are no longer together. I went to his grannies house this past week-end with [Daughter] and she had no clue that we lived in separate homes... I wish him out of my life but damn it... I am the mother of his daughter.

I never knew that I would have to live in fear of her father hurting her. I never knew the pain I would cause her by not having a father. I never knew the guilt I would feel for not providing a family for her. I never knew how my heart would break for the life I have chosen for her. 

I made my choice. I would never take it back. But now I must lower my standards of motherhood to meet the demands of single parenting. I am sad to see what becomes of our life from here...

Why does custody of the children have to be the focal point for ongoing power struggles between parents?

Why can't they all just make the most out of the time that they're with the kids to provide a good example, playmate, figure, whatever instead of trying to make the rules, boundaries, and give us grief about how we're raising them?

...My opinion...is that the parent who is raising the child shouldn't have to put up with the unsolicited comments from someone who doesn't have to deal with the children's life day to day...and has no ****ing idea of what goes on day to day.... Maybe tact and a good post-marriage relationship would help that I don't know... but I do get damn defensive when I'm critiqued by a woman who couldn't keep it together enough to care for her only child....

I was in a casual relationship when I got pregnant. We had already parted company when I discovered I was carrying his child. Having decided to keep the child, I went to the courts when my son was about 9 months old to obtain full custody. I have never received any financial support whatsoever, however the father continues to keep in touch and has visited us twice (he lives in England, we live in Australia). I have left the lines of communication open for the sake of my son, however it is rather annoying that he should get the best of both worlds - the joy of having a relationship with his son without having any of the costs (both financial and emotional) involved.

I married my ex after she became pregnant and gave birth to our son. I was young and not ready for marriage. I was not a good husband or as good as I could have been. But I was a loving and devoted father to my son. He was the center of my life. She left me when he was 5. I don't really blame her, but I found out I really did not love her as I should have. I did not want to give up my single freedom. I lost my father who was my stability when I was 15 and my mother was mentally ill. So I was on my own basically since 15. In my defense, my ex dated me since we were both 14. She knew how I was and that I was not ready. We actually broke up, but had a fling one night and the child was conceived. I did love her the only way I knew of at the time. 

She left me when she became "born again". I did not share her belief so we went even further apart. I tried to work it out through counseling, but it was her way or no way. During the separation, she did not allow me to see my child regularly, only briefly to sit for him when she was working. Maybe once every 3 - 4 months. Also during the separation, I met a women and we became friends, later we fell in love. This was new to me. It was a kind of love I never knew before. I call it mature love. I tried to fight it, but my ex was not even trying to gets things back together again. She thought keeping the child away from me would make me do things her way just to get back into my son's life. Believe me I almost did it. but I realized too much had happened between us to rebuild. Eventually, she found out about the woman I met and cut off all contact with my son. 

I had been paying support since the day she moved out. Gave her the cars all furniture etc to take care of the child. She filed for divorce, I agreed. She was surprised I agreed so she dragged it out for two years, hiring new lawyers etc. I did not fight her one bit and gave her sole custody. When she continued to keep my son from me, I went to my lawyer and got a solid custody arrangement. In time she got the divorce, (time ran out on separation and it was made into a divorce). I married my wife, had a child and started back on a great relationship with my child. He was older now and wanted to be with me, so she did not fight it. 

Things were going ok till she met this man. This man had been married three times, had a drinking problem, and made my son's life a living hell. He ridiculed me to my son, he wanted full control over my son and he abused him, pushed him down stairs etc. It was so bad, she gave him to us one summer to keep the two of them apart and said he could live here with me. My mistake was not going for custody right then and there. She led me to believe she would keep her word. Even though in hindsight, I should have realized money was the issue. When support stopped since he was with me, she took him back. After that, her now husband started again with verbal abuse and pushing. He was good to hide the abuse. We went for custody anyway first saying if she did it we would not ask for support. She refused. 2 days prior to hearing, he attempted to choke my son and punched him. We had evidence, and I got full physical custody.

 Now she is even worse to us. She refused to pay support, she has only legal custody, but refuse to communicate with me and threatens me when I don't communicate with her. I had it put in the legal papers that I had final say over all decisions and I am glad I did. She refuse to own up to her part in the abuse of the child and defends the abuser. She tries to force the child to visit with her and the abuser which he refuses. She only sees him occasionally, she has had three children with this new husband and uses that as an excuse not to visit with him or take part in any of his activities. We have to document everything because she has lied to me, my wife and my son repeatedly. We cant even get her to agree the sun is out unless we get a court order. She tells the child he was "taken away " by me. 

She quit her job so she would not have to pay support and refuses to help buy extras like a bike for the child (I have bought all his bikes and extras all the time he was living with her as well as paying support and she makes more money than me. So we are fighting for support in court. It is a matter of principal. I cannot sit back and let her ignore her responsibilities to her child when I never ignored mine. She has an open door policy with visitation, but rarely sees him. She takes him out of school to beg him to go back with her and the abuser. Money is everything to her not the child. If my now wife ever hurt my child just once, I would never see her again. But she would not. She is loving and caring and adores my child. I am angry at my ex for allowing my son to go through this abuse. I am angry at the courts for not allowing me temporary custody or custody until he was beaten with marks for proof. The damage is done and I am angry at her for not acknowledging her part in the damage to my son and not willing to pay support because she is still angry and bitter about me. 

Its not about me it about our son and she wont see that. So I keep fighting her in court for the principal and get her some way to acknowledge her responsibilities. She is only there to cause trouble. Whenever I try to include her in his activities etc she refuses stating I have three kids, I cant. When ever their is a problem with my child she is there, to BLAME ME, not to help. She was once a good mother, I cant say that about her now and neither can my son. But he still loves her and it breaks my heart when she continues to disappoint him and blame every one else but herself. He is 13 and can see through this. 

I'm TIRED of hearing about POOR fathers and their plight for custody!!!  The majority of fathers I've come across, just through this sight alone are either deadbeat fathers or have manipulated the system, hired expensive attorneys to gain custody of their children!  When will men be punished for leaving their families, their responsibilities?  How is it they can come back, after the dust has settled and get custody of a child they abandoned?  I just don't get it!  SICK and tired of it!  They can harass you, threaten you and still get joint custody?  HOW IS THAT IN THE CHILD'S BEST INTEREST?  What about siblings from other relationships?  WHY isn't their needs, emotional, taken into consideration?  WHY is the needs of the non-custodial parent the only thing that seems to take priority in child custody determinations?

 Were married to my two oldest children's father for five years. We divorced when the children were 4 and 2. I was then on my own until I thought I had found Mr. Right. We did not marry, and after a year of being together I discovered he was not quite so nice. He left 10 days before our oldest son was born. He then began a year long mental barrage. I felt the only way I could keep my sanity was to go along with him. I tried to get away but could not find any help, not from friends, family or the police. I found myself pregnant again and for some reason this was the final straw. I just couldn't let another child go through what we had been through. I found the courage to finally get away. I convinced him that if he would just take a year and get his stuff together we would move to where ever he was. He chose to move 600 miles away with his mother. I then had the time and energy to get myself back on track. I enrolled in school. 

After a long year, I made it. I have had my job for nearly two years. I support my kids myself as neither father cares to pay support. It is hard and I sometimes want to throw up my hands and just run out the door. 

I am doing it. I found the courage do get out of a harmful situation. He still likes to cause problems at time but I can handle them now. I have not let anyone stand in my way. 

I have set goals for myself and are slowly reaching them. I got my first car last year at the age of 33. I found the good job I needed. Not great, and not exactly what I planned on doing but is better than minimum and it pays the bills. My next goal is a house of our own. It may take me awhile but I will get this. I hope my children learn that no matter what your circumstances you can succeed. That you need to set a goal and make a plan to reach it. That you can do it. 

 I have custody of our 2 children and things are going okay. I'd known for some time that I wanted a divorce but my now ex-husband, would never listen so, I figured it was just me that had the problem so I stuck it out. I divorced him after ten years of marriage. I'm getting on with my life and I'm doing okay and so our the kids. Problem is my ex blames me for him not knowing what's going on in the kids' lives. Even before the divorce, he was too wrapped up in his work to know what was going on with the kids, me or even his family. He just doesn't seem to be able to make the choice of trying to deal with the divorce and I believe it's not only hurting the kids but it's obviously not healthy for him. Don't get me wrong, I am sure he's hurting but shouldn't he try to get past some things so he can start to be a better father to our children? There was absolutely no communication in our marriage about anything, not even a loud fight. 

 ...Married 18 years, spouse develops escalating substance abuse problem (pain killers, alcohol) - I lose interest about 7 years ago - finally leave, rather abruptly. I feel great - realize how much I can do again but my ex refuses to accept the separation. All his actions have a hidden agenda of reconciliation despite my telling him there is no hope. This, together with his drinking/pain killers leads to a cycle of him being REALLY NICE in order to win me back and then anger at my rejection of him - happens about once every two months. Well, today it happened again. I keep hoping time will even things out - that he'll finally accept it - but now wonder if this is a poor strategy. His anger is a knee-jerk reaction - sort of a "well if we're not getting back together then I'll do this and this and this (threats - financial and otherwise)". I grow weary.

...Married 15 yrs, left quickly - lost my home but gained total custody of the kids - alcoholic husband - manipulative, etc., etc., etc. It has been 2 yrs and he still likes to play games and tries to intimidate me. It doesn't work anymore. I think that is the best feeling in the world to not let myself be so controlled by another person. Seems like since I won't be intimidated, he backs off somewhat.

Time is a wonderful healer.

...We had planned a wedding but it didn't work out, and due to mental and emotional problems, he has only rare contact, and even then only through letters. He's in [another country]. Neither of us has the means to ensure [Son] gets to see his 'other' family...

The Department of Family Services has tried to track my oldest son's father, but has had no luck. I'm not particularly concerned, and when he has questions, I will give him all the info I can. My second son's father has sent money from time to time, but being mentally disabled for a long period, he doesn't have much. I used to be really pissed off at both of these guys for what happened, but I can't hold a grudge against either of them, since I was responsible too. I had really great support from my family in trying to raise the boys, and now have a really supportive defacto husband.

...With time and patience, things come around. I wouldn't go back and not have my kids, since they have been the source of my joy. I love them all so much that I can't imagine changing anything. 

 ...[My daughter's] dad refuses to even try to deal with me on a reasonable level. Any attempt I make to make things civil is rejected totally out of hand. He seems to think I have a motive. My only motive is to get on with my life and not spend the next 18 years fighting over every little thing.

Maybe it has something to do with his new girlfriend?????????????????

 Last Updated 31st October, 2001