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April 14th, 2006 I don't want to dwell on the details here. What is important to me is to try putting into words some of the devastation, disappointment and bewilderment I felt at that time, or to be more precise, in the following months and years. I was in such a habit of taking trouble in my stride that it took a while to react. Denial is a powerful device and it protected me from the full force of the blow until I was (supposedly) better able to cope. Here I want to look at what has happened full in the face. While I was sick with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (nick-named by me Completely Foul Sickness) there was always the hope that one day I would be better and my new life could properly begin (as I saw it). Now I was looking to an increasingly uncertain future, full of doctors and hospitals and invasive medical procedures. No end was in sight or even dreamed about at the end of a long dark tunnel. This was my life now. Some people held out, and still do hold out, kidney transplantation as a wonderful 'gift of life' hope for my future. I haven't been able to share their enthusiasm yet. Maybe I will be able to write a glowing tale of a renewed life one day, but for now the hurdles are too high for me to see over. It will probably be easy for anyone reading this to criticise me for my negativity. I'm going to try to explain why this has crushed me so devastatingly, so hold your opinions for a while and give me a bit of room to vent.
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