Doggy Lists

Top 10 lists from the Late Show with David Letterman

Signs You Have a Dumb Dog:

10. Lengthy pause after "Bow" while it tries to remember "Wow"
9. Buries tail, wags bones
8. When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat by-products
7. Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a day
6. Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in catface
5. Has suffered over two dozen concussions from toilet seat falling on his head
4. Thinks "Snausages" is a real word
3. Voted for Fred Grandy, Love Boat's gopher, because he really thought he'd be a good congressman
2. Spends hours staring at kitchen cabinet, waiting for tiny horse-and-carriage to come out
1. Constantly chasing people named "Katz"

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Top Ten Excuses For Losing The Dog Show:

10. Mistaken in assumption there would be chance to show off talent for drinking from toilet
9. Thought I saw that little chuckwagon
8. Bad idea going to Don King's barber
7. Caught in a lie claiming to be Cycle Two dog when I'm really Cycle Three
6. Shouldn't have picked Quayle as running mate
5. My lifelong battle with problem drool
4. During spelling portion, spelled "ubiquitous" with two B's
3. Didn't know that was the judge's leg
2. Money goes to trainer anyway, so let him stand naked in Madison Square Garden and get touched by a stranger in a bad suit
1. Like me, the whole thing was fixed

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Ways the Miss America Pageant Would Be Different if the Judges Were Dogs:

10. Title revoked if old photographs surface of the winner petting a cat
9. Put your money on the girl wearing the sash made of baloney
8. New sniffing competition
7. Rambunctious Miss Ohio forced to wear one of those big plastic cones on head
6. Host Bob Barker torn to shreds by pack of angry neutered judges
5. Winning talent? Throwing a stick
4. Pageant thrown into total chaos by judge in heat
3. Miss Texas disqualified for stuffing her evening gown with Gaines Burgers
2. Winner gets to drink out of toilet
1. Points taken off for mange

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Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If the Next President Were a Dog:

10. Doggy door on oval office
9. At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President," reporters would shout, "Here fella!"
8. Goodbye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal
7. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant
6. U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy
5. Public enemy #1: That neutering bastard Bob Barker
4. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon
3. Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife
2. Here's your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking x-mas jingle)
1. One word: sausage-gate

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The Top Ten Reasons Why a Dog Is Better than a Woman:

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
...And the number one reason why a dog is better than a woman:
1. A dog does not shop.

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Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Men:

10. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
9. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
8. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
7. Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
6. You can house train a dog.
5. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
4. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
3. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
2. Dogs don't care whether or not you shave your legs.
1. Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.

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Top 10 Ways Dogs Are Better Than Cats:

10. Dogs are bigger (well... Some dogs are).
9. Dogs don't need a litter box, as long as your neighbor has a yard.
8. Dogs don't have kittens in your closet on your new shoes.
7. Cats can't wag their tails. (And won't even try...)
6. Dogs respond when you call them by name. (Almost any name)
5. Dogs are too stupid to hide when they make a mess.
4. Dogs have cooler home pages on the Internet.
3. Dogs will stay up and watch Letterman with you, even if there are no stupid pet tricks.
2. Dogs are easy to buy Christmas presents for, get them anything that smells...
1. Cats have an attitude, dogs just have that "Where's dinner?" look.

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Top Ten Dog Thoughts:

10. I could've sworn I heard the can opener.
9. Why doesn't the government do something about mange?
8. Is there something I'm not getting about Norm Crosby?
7. I wonder if Toto was gay?
6. Mmmm.....that filthy standing water sure hits the spot!
5. Hey--no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
4. I still miss Lorne Greene.
3. Would we dogs have built a vast and complex civilization of our own if we weren't distracted by our ability to lick ourselves?
2. Please, oh, please, oh, please let that be the can opener.
1. If there's a God, how can he allow neutering?

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The Top Favorite Things for a Dog to Smell:

10. Wet socks found behind the hamper.
9. The lawn mowing shoes.
8. Chocolate chip hot dogs (well, maybe some day..)
7. Rear ends - other dogs, people, mine, I don't care.
6. Whatever's in the trash bin.
5. Cereal grains and meaty byproducts.
4. Those round flat pie things in the cow pasture.
3. That stuff I find in between my toes.
2. Anything you find in the middle of the highway.
1. Burning cat fur...we're for it!

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Top 10 Dog Country & Western Songs:

10. "Don't Chase That Pickup, Rover Boy", by Tex Critter.
9. "Howlin' Over You", by Bonnie Bloodhound.
8. "Four On The Floor", by The Toolbox Terriers.
7. "That Ain't My Collar", by Woof Brooks.
6. "Out Behind The Pool Hall", by Johnny Dumpster.
5. "Bad, Bad Leroy Hound", by Willie Welshound.
4. "Don't Kick The Supper Dish", by Flea G. Shepherd.
3. "Boot Chewin' Boogie", by Hank The Cowdog.
2. "Dog Chow Blues", by The Chuck Wagon Chasers.
1. "Fleas Release Me", by Bark Collie.

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Top 10 All-Time Dog Movies:

10. "Abbott and Costello Meet Cujo". Who's on Lou?
9. "The Howling". Story of a Rotweiller and a mousetrap.
8. "All Dogs Go To Heaven". Documentary.
7. "The Maltese Milk Bone". Action adventure, starring Humphrey Gobark.
6. "The Postman Always Rings Twice". Tutorial for territorial terriers.
5. "Terminator III - Garbage Day". Cyborg meets up with crazed Cocker Spaniel. Asta la Vista, Arnold.
4. "Back To The Future IV - Einstein's Revenge", starring Michael J. Foxhound. Einstein steals the DeLorean.
3. "The Bad News Beagles". Snoopy gets rid of that loser, Charlie Brown, leads a team of beagles to the Little League World Series.
2. "Dial M for Mustard". Murderous dachsund leaves a trail of condiments.
1. "Reservoir Dogs." Don't drink the water...

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Top 10 Star Wars Scenes Toby would like to See:

10. Planet Catderran blown up by fully operational Dogstar space station.
9. Luke uses the force to open a can of Alpo.
8. Chewbacca reveals he is really a very large St. Bernard.
7. Instead of shooting lightning from his fingers, Emporer slobbers all over people.
6. Change catchy slogan from "May The Force Be With You" to "Dead Cats - We're For 'Em!"
5. Luke blows up the Deathstar by dropping a cat down the air duct.
4. C-3PO translates dog speech, dogs ask the Princess, "What's up with the hairdo?"
3. Yoda - "No, there is another - Luke's dog, Toby. The force is strong with that one."
2. Replace lightsaber battle with Frisbee throwing contest.
1. Princess Leia saying "Help me, Toby-wan Kenobi, you're my only hope."

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The Top Things for Dogs to do when Home Alone:

10. Get out the nachos and cheese, crank up the macarena on the stereo!
9. Play "hide in the dryer" with the cat. Comes out nice & fluffy.
8. Log on the the Internet, answer e-mail from adoring fans.
7. Check the couch cushions for last nights leftovers...
6. Check out the bisexual cross-dressers and the women who love them...up next on Geraldo!
5. Work on those memoirs...Chapter 2, "The day I found out I was a dog."
4. Call up the neighbors, pant heavily into the phone...
3. Practice looking excited when the people get home.
2. Return Bill's phone call...help him out with the Whitewater thing...
1. Make faces at the neighbors rotweiller...moron!

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Top 10 Things Toby Wants For Christmas:

10. One of those little chuck wagons from the dog food commercial.
9. A talking "Spacedog" doll.
8. One-year membership in the "Dirty Sock of the Month Club".
7. One of those electric stun guns like the cops have. (Never mind why...).
6. Black leather spiked dog collar for that special Saturday night.
5. Bob Barker's address. (See #7 above...).
4. A signed copy of Lassie's biography, "Timmy's in the Well Again".
3. A rubber chicken to tease the cat with.
2. 34 ounce, 38 inch Louisville Slugger. (Never mind what for...)
1. Just once, no stupid doggy t-shirt that says "Fire Hydrant Inspector".

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Top 10 New Year's Resolutions:

10. Not to "mark" the artificial Christmas tree next year, people don't like that...
9. Get that idea for TV show "Dogs Behaving Badly" off to Hollywood...
8. Think up a good "stupid people trick", get on the Letterman Show.
7. Get Toby's Cat Catcher Dead or Alive Cat Trap written off as a "business expense".
6. Stop coughing up fur balls on the couch.
5. Get more (read "some") exercise...
4. Learn to drive a stick shift.
3. Find a professional football team with some (any) moral standards to root for...
2. Put "Dead Cats - We're For 'Em!" bumper sticker on the Clinton limo...
1. Try to remember where we buried that "live cat time capsule" on New Year's Eve.

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Top 10 Alltime Doggie Bestsellers:

10. "Fire Hydrants of New York", by Rusty the Firehouse Dalmation.
9. "Oh No, Timmy's In The Well Again!", by Lassie with Rudd Weatherwax.
8. "101 Ways To Skin A Cat", by Duke "Crocodile" Dingo Dog.
7. "Why People Throw Sticks, And What To Do About It", by FetchBoy the Golden Retriever.
6. "Stop Chasing Cats and Start Catching Them", by Dr. Rover Tilted.
5. "How I Licked The Toilet Bowl Habit", by Sammy Snauzer.
4. "No Bad Dogs", by Professor Hugo Sitt.
3. "Teach Your Human To Heel", by Rowf Rotweiller.
2. "Spit For Life", by Pete the Wonderdog.
1. "Good Kitty, Dead Kitty", by Spot "Psycho" Poodle.

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Top 10 Signs that Toby won the Lottery:

10. Giant gold fire hydrant in the front yard.
9. Sends another dog out to bark at the mailman.
8. Oscar Mayer truck parked at the kitchen door on Wednesdays.
7. Madonna's hair is a mess because her hairdresser is busy with Toby.
6. Starts his own party and runs for President.
5. Congressman from Texas suddenly pushing anti-cat bill.
4. Offers Woody Harrelson a million dollars to let Demi Moore scratch his tummy.
3. "Bigfoot" truck in the driveway with "Hey Cat - Make My Day!" bumper sticker.
2. Shortage of beef jerky at all the local grocery stores.
1. Democrats keep asking him to come to the White House for Kibbles.

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Top 10 Signs your Dog has Joined a Computer Cult:

10. Spends a lot of time at the airport with the other cult dogs, passing out free AOL diskettes.
9. Your new "Reverend Moon" screen saver.
8. Every day at 3:00, stops whatever he's doing, bows toward Cupertino.
7. Gettin lots and lots of e-mail from somebody named "bob@cult.com.
6. When told to "go get your master", runs to the PC and dials up the internet.
5. You find your Motown CD in the trash, and a new "Gregorian Chants" CD in your CD-Rom.
4. Trades in his Calvin's and Nike's for a black robe and sandals.
3. You come home from work to find him making a spaceship out of your gas grill.
2. Comes home with his head shaved.
1. When asked why he went on the floor, he replies, "It is the will of Moondoggie."

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Top 10 Doggie Bumper Stickers:

10. Honk If You Love Hot Dogs!
9. If You Can Read This, You're Hanging Too Far Out Of The Window!
8. Caution- I Brake For Dead Stuff On The Road!
7. My Snauzer Can Beat Up Your Obedience School Honor Student.
6. Vet is a 4-Letter Word!
5. My Other Car Is The Bed Of A Pickup!
4. I'd Rather Be Digging A Hole In The Back Yard!
3. Hey Cat! New Law - Red Light Means Go Now, OKAY?
2. Caution - Driver Drools Out The Window!
1. Dead Cats - We're For 'Em!

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Top 10 Signs You're not Winning at Westminster:

10. Security guards keep chasing you out of the building.
9. Breaking out of line to steal the kid's candy bar may have counted against you...
8. The Chihuahua thinks he can beat you up (and does).
7. Your owner keeps asking about getting back your entry fee.
6. Kids keep asking "What kind of dog is THAT?"
5. The judge asks your owner to walk you to the end of the ring...and to keep going.
4. Somebody asks if they can take your picture...for a Humane Society poster.
3. When asked about your papers, your owner replies,"Papers? - We don't need no stinking papers!"
2. The BBC announcer keeps breaking out in uncontrollable laughter whenever he sees you.
1. You had to go really bad, and the judge's leg was the closest...

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Top 10 Things Overheard at the Tobydog. Inc. Office Party:

10. Wow, check out the hot poodle with Rover!
9. So, I says to him, throw in toilet bowl privileges, and you got yourself a deal.
8. Look, I gotta go chase a cab...
7. Hey you - cat! You work here?
6. Not the Macarena again! Somebody cut off the boss' bar tab...
5. Did you see the neat copies of Bowser's rear end?
4. Gainsburgers? Who catered this disaster?
3. Hey, good-lookin', wanna swing by the ol' doghouse later?
2. Who ordered the hot dog pizza with everything?
1. Dead Cats - We're Still For 'Em!

Other  Doggy List

Top 10 Doggie Newsgroups:

10. alt.firehydrants.pictures
9. fido.humans.training_to_fetch
8. rec.sports.sticks.stones
7. alt.pictures.mastersleg
6. fido.god.is.dog.spelled.backwards
5. rec.sports.frisbee.catching.
4. fido.favorite.nap.spots
3. alt.Socks.die!.die!.die!.
2. rec.games.involving.dead.cats
1. alt.where.oh.where.can.he.be?

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The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers:

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. * ( * 1 Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. )

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The Five crucial Food Groups According to Dogs:

1. In the bowl. (A good foundation, but important to supplement with other groups.)
2. Off the table. (Most varied group, but best eaten when no one is looking.)
3. On the floor. (A nutritious way to snack between meals.)
4. Grass - taken at least once a day to enable vomit activity. (Vomit activity best engaged in while resting head on caretaker's lap.)
5. Poop. (At least once a day for overall digestive happiness. May be taken topically via rolling in it.) Best if eaten immediately after production. Be sure to lick owner in face after ingestion.

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Specialized Cross Breed Dogs:

Pointer X Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier X Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees X Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese X Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel X English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever X Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland X Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier X Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound X Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute X Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie X Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound X Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband
Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed

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Dog Rules:

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

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Life Lessons Learned from a Dog:

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.