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Rules for Dogs

  • I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
  • The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
  • I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
  • I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
  • I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
  • I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
  • I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
  • I will not throw up in the car.
  • I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
  • I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
  • Kitty box crunchies are not food.
  • I will not eat any more dirty socks or underwear and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
  • The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
  • I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
  • I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
  • I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
  • When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
  • We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
  • I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
  • The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
  • My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
  • I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
  • Don't bark at the carpenter just because he's tearing down the door

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This blind guy is standing on a street corner with his seeing eye dog. The dog lifts his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's foot. The blind guy reaches down and pats the dog on the head. A man standing next to the blind guy watching all of this says "tell me something buddy, how come you patted that dog on the head after he pissed all over your foot"? Blind guy says "I gotta find his head so I can kick his ass".

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A guy is at a nightclub. His bowels start to grumble and can feel a huge fart coming on. He heads for the toilets, but there is a line of people already waiting. He is getting desperate and would be very embarrased if other people heard him passing wind. Then he notices a lady with her poodle, and thinks "if I sit near the dog and fart, people will think the dog did it".
He races over near the dog, and lets out a beauty.
The lady says "Fido!!".
The guy thinks "Yes...this is working!", and lets out another fart.
The lady repeats "FIDO!!!!".
The guy thinks "What an idea, no one will know it was me," and lets out another fart.
The lady screams "FIDO!!!!!! Come here before he shits on you!"


How Dogs and Men are the Same:

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

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How Dogs are Better than Men:

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

 Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you- - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.(OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

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Where Dogs Fall Down:

Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men don't eat turds on the sly.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
It's fun to dry off a wet man.

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A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $330." the vet replied.
"I don't believe it!!!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330??
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

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How To Photograph A New Puppy:

1. Remove film from box and load camera
2. Remove film box from puppy's month and throw in trash
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
4. Choose a suitable background for photo
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
13. Put magazines back on coffee table
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, outside! No, outside!!"
17. Call spouse to clean up mess
18. Fix a drink
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and stay" the first thing in the morning