by
Dave Harris

Word Count: 1300

With national football finals underway and the Olympics just around the corner, things are looking up for Full Toss.  Over the coming weeks there is sure to be plenty of stuff-ups, tantrums, controversy and of course the odd bet or two?!?  Stay tuned because we won’t let anything slip by.

Here's what you probably didn’t know happened over the last month in sport.

Dummy Spitters

Don Talbot has never been one to keep his opinions to himself.  The national swimming coach recently came out and accused his star athletes of suffering from “injury imaginitis.”  Talbot claims all the tails of woe are not unusual in sport he said, “it’s just a typical athlete crying because they’re working hard.”

With the Olympics coming up this is just what the Australian squad needs.  Total and utter hatred in the camp!  Keep it up Don, there's nothing like good team spirit to get those gold medals rolling in.    

Double Fault (Sporting Stuff-Ups) 

Dawn Fraser had a little accident during the week, but Doctors assure us her foot will be out of plaster shortly and she will be straight back into training.  Training for what you ask?  No, Dawn has not made a Haley Lewis-type come back, she has been training with West Tigers trainer Tony Green to get fit for her 500m Olympic torch run.  Yes that is not a miss print, just 500m. 

How much training would you honestly need?  I have seen some torch-bearers running so slow they are practically walking.  Come on Dawn its only a little jog, lets not pretend like where running the Olympic marathon.

The Mancat (Strange Sport)

40,000 Germans recently flocked to what may be the equivalent of the Melbourne Cup.  All these racegoers were there for Europe's first ever Elephant race.  The 14 competitors tore up the track around Berlin’s famous Hoppegarten racetrack.  The day comprised of six 200m races which were officially called “sprints.” 

Now I’m only guessing, but if the whole day was taken up by only six sprint races I’m assuming these Dumbo’s weren’t travelling too quick.  Lets hope organisers of the Melbourne Cup gets on board and display a few Elephant races before the big one this year. 

Monthly Sledges 

Peter Everitt, in all his wisdom, recently made a prediction on Essendon’s chances come finals time.  He said, “I don’t think they’ll make the grand final, they’re a sensational side but I think North Melbourne are the ones to watch.” 

In the weekend following Spider's comments, Essendon remained undefeated and the Sydney Swans (who didn’t make the finals) thrashed North Melbourne. We should give him his due though, Essendon did finish the home and away season with loss. But they made up for that by winning their first final by a record score, against...you guessed it, North Melbourne.

Nice one Spider.  Where are St Kilda on the ladder again sorry?

Streaking (Sportspeople baring all)

Everyone in the Tennis world has been thinking it (but not saying it):  “if only Jelena Dokic didn’t have that mole!”  Well tennis fans it has happened, Dokic has had her mole removed.  There is no cover up story here, Dokic has admitted that it was done purely for cosmetic reasons.  She got the chop shortly after Wimbledon and sported her new look on channel nines Burke’s Backyard last Friday night.

This change could not have come soon enough.  Although I think there are a few disappointed punters out there who were willing to put good money forward if a charity auction was held for Jelena’s mole.  We will just have to live with the memories. 

Feel The Power of Canberra 

There were many candidates for this award but one man stood out all month.  After literally kicking the Brumbies out of the Super 12 final just a few weeks ago, Stirling Mortlock was set to give Australia the same fate in Saturday’s Bledisloe Cup match.  Mortlock had successfully missed four kicks and his amazing feat looked set to be repeated until the final seconds of the match.  Australia needed to kick a penalty goal for victory and the scene was set for yet another Mortlock miss!  But when Captain John Eales turned to find Mortlock, he was no where to be found.  Eales decided to take the responsibility himself and with ease kicked Australia to victory.

After the game it was discovered Mortlock was off the field with cramps at the time of the crucial kick.  Everyone here at Full Toss believes the little story.  Do you???

Tosser of the Month

Anthony Mundine recently came up with an idea for the advertisement for his next fight.  He wanted to burn the Olympic flag as a promotion but legal advisors told him to stay away form that area.  Any more good ideas?

It all came about because Mundine has called his fight bigger than the Olympics. 

I believe millions of tickets are set to be sold as an attempt to make it BIGGER than the Olympics.  What's even stranger is that we still don’t know who his opponent will be.  The fight will take place in September in Sydney somewhere.  Funny, I thought something was happening in Sydney in September.  Oh well that torch relay must be for the main event in September, the Mundine fight against............oh we don’t know yet!

Before I go, I should inform you of a very exciting Olympic event:

The Olympic Spading Contest

The ultimate competition where Australian youngsters are awarded points for  picking up during the Olympic rush.  This is an official tournament sanctioned by SOCOG to relieve possible pent up aggression from Sydney's youth during the Olympics. The tournament is open to both males and females entering in separate categories - with great prizes  on offer for the winner. 

Rules

  • must have one witness/provide some evidence of achievement

  • must know name

  • must know country of origin

  • the 'picking up' must occur during the Olympic period between Sept 15 and October 1 and must be a direct result of Olympic activities e.g. an Olympic event, festivities in the city etc.

MALE SECTION

Points

  • 1 pt for a local

  • 2 pts for a local high school girl aged 16-18

  • 5 pts for an overseas girl

  • 10 pts for an Olympian

  • 15 pts for an Olympic swimmer

  • 50 pts for an overseas swimming schoolgirl

  • 75 pts for a medal winning Olympian

  • 100 points for a medal winning athlete who mentions you as their inspiration in their acceptance speech

  • AUTOMATIC VICTORY - to anyone who gets either Anke Huber, Katie Holmes or anyone else considered as true star quality by tournament convenors.

Applications will be considered carefully apply to OSC Convenors 

FEMALE SECTION

Points

  • 1 pt for a local

  • 5 pts for an overseas guy

  • 10 pts for an Olympian

  • 15pts for an Olympic basketballer

  • 50 pts for an OSC Convenor

  • 75 pts for a medal winning Olympian

  • 100 points for a medal winning athlete who mentions you as their inspiration in their acceptance speech

  • AUTOMATIC VICTORY - to anyone who gets either Thomas Enqvist, Joshua Jackson or anyone else considered as true star quality by tournament convenors.

Applications will be considered carefully apply to OSC Convenors 

Other Scoring

  • Double points if u pick up a Swede.

  • Double points if females pick up another girl.

  • AUTOMATIC VICTORY if they can provide the OSC2000 Convenors with video evidence.

  • Bonus points if u can provide sufficient proof that Matt Shirvington's dick is  indeed larger than that of the average horse.

  • Bonus points for EITHER sex if they can pick up Bruce McAvaney.

  • AUTOMATIC VICTORY if he calls u SPEEECCCIAL!

  • Demerit points for female weightlifters and male equestrian riders. 

 As an entrant to this tournament, you will be given bi-weekly OSC 2000 newsletters covering entrant numbers, admissions to the 'AUTOMATIC VICTORY'  category - as well as news on prizes and possible pre-Olympic warm-up events.

For more information, contact the OSC Convenors at osc2000@hotmail.com. 

 

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