This is a new (2009) and relatively simple book of "dos and don'ts"
in dealing with other people, written by a NLP (Neuro
Linguistic Programming) practitioner and trainer, who is based in
Victoria (capital of
British
Columbia, Canada). Earlier, in 2003, he was author of the best seller 'Law
of Attraction'.
They key thing in the Law of Connection is to recognize the style of the person or persons you are
dealing with, and take the right approach in communications with them, so that
you can build up good rapport and hence get things to happen the way you would
like. The 4 types of persons are Visual (seeing a picture), Auditory (relying on
the spoken and written word), Kinesthetic (touchy-feely) and Digital (logical
and rational).
| Others like |
Others find challenging |
- They can move from one subject to another at lightning speed
- They are good at understanding the "big picture" or "vision" and running with it
- They are great time managers
- They are good at coming up with "big picture" or "future vision" ideas
|
- They become rigid and inflexible when faced with timing or scheduling changes
- They become impatient with listening to or reading details
- They tend to skip over details
- They can be impatient with others
- They tend to rush others and themselves
|
| Builds rapport |
Breaks rapport |
- Providing an agenda
- Keeping meetings/sessions short
- Honoring start and end times
- Giving plenty of notice when changing, postponing, or rescheduling events
- Getting to the point quickly when conversing
|
- Changing appointments without giving them time to change the plan they've pictured in their mind
- Telling long stories with too many details
- Holding long meetings
- Arriving late for a scheduled meeting
- Asking them for detailed information
- Leaving long voice-mails or sending long e-mails
|
| Causes stress |
Helps re-balance |
- They can become rigid and inflexible if the picture in their head gets changed too fast or too often
- They become impatient with too many words, details and nonstop talking
- They can become irritated if projects/tasks are not done on time or if someone is late for a social engagement
|
- Give them plenty of notice when making a change to their schedule.
In a personal relationship this might mean giving your date or your
partner advance notice when you're going to be later than you'd
planned. In business it might mean trying not to reschedule a meeting at the last minute
- Keep your information short and clear. Whether you're planning a
social activity or a business meeting, just state the time and
place. Don't give more details than the Visual Style person needs or
wants
- Suggest they take time to organize and tidy their room or their workspace
- Suggest they plan a future project or activity, whether it's a vacation or a new business plan
|
| Others like |
Others find challenging |
- They are frequently eloquent speakers
- They are "ideas" people (great for brainstorming)
- They love discussions and give lengthy descriptions or explanations
- Many are great writers and editors
- They are great storytellers
- They like to make improvements (on both things and processes)
|
- They tend to be blunt, harsh, or seem too direct
- Being diplomatic is a challenge for them
- They give strong opinions whether solicited or not
- They are quick to anger if they feel they are not being heard
- When angry they will argue to make their point and blame others
- They often interrupt and have a hard time letting others finish their sentences
- They tend to jump from subject to subject
- They may sulk or withdraw when their ideas are not accepted
- They may fall in love with the sound of their own voice
- They will repeat themselves until they are convinced they are being heard
|
| Builds rapport |
Breaks rapport |
- Asking them about themselves
- Avoiding pressuring them
- Helping them stick to the subject
- Listening closely
- Breaking things down into small steps and then helping them prioritize
- Repeating things back to them
- Telling them you hear them ("I heard you," or "I hear what you are
saying")
|
- Doing something else while they are speaking to you (they will feel unheard)
- Interrupting them too often
- Raising your voice when you speak to them
- Speaking with a harsh tone
- Rushing them when they are telling a story
- Using words sloppily or misspelling
- Having background noise that they cannot turn off
- Using audio material that is of poor quality either technically or grammatically
|
| Causes stress |
Helps re-balance |
- They withdraw and can be frustrated when their ideas are challenged or rejected
- They may raise their voice if they feel they are not being heard
- They go from participating in a dialogue to giving a long-winded lecture
|
- Let them know you are open to their input and ideas
- Tell them you will be their sounding board for a specific period of time
- Be totally present as a listener, and give them your full attention
- If they wander from the subject or carry on too long, gently nudge them back on track
- Help them to focus on exactly what it is they really want
|
| Others like |
Others find challenging |
- They are good at relationship building
- They are extremely loyal
- They are nurturing and supportive
- They are detail oriented
- They are great team players
|
- Most have challenges making decisions quickly
- They can get overwhelmed when presented with too many choices
- They tend to provide more details than most people
- They can be slow and methodical and therefore take more time
than others to complete a task
- They may be needy and therefore "high-maintenance" in both
personal and business relationships
|
| Builds rapport |
Breaks rapport |
- Providing an agenda for both personal and business meetings or
events
- Making it a point to connect with them in group situations so
feel included
- Being sensitive to their need to be comfortable in their
physical environment
- Providing start and end times/dates for all events and projects
- Allowing them time for creativity, fun, play, and socializing
- Offering them a few clear, simple choices
|
- Feeling excluded
- Being interrupted or "talked over"
- Overwhelming them with too many ideas or choices at once
- Disregarding their intuitive and emotional reactions or
contributions
to a plan or project
- Stopping the fun and stifling their creativity by over-analyzing
|
| Causes stress |
Helps re-balance |
- They feel hurt when they sense that they are being excluded or
left out
- When they don't feel comfortable or confident in a situation or
a relationship they can be needy and demanding of attention
- When they feel negativity in a situation or relationship they
may withdraw and want to escape, both physically and emotionally
- When they have too many choices or complicated tasks to
complete, they may become overwhelmed and avoid doing what needs to
be done
- They will do almost anything to avoid conflict and tend to
become passive instead of standing up for themselves or voicing an
opinion
|
- Ask them how you can best support them
- Give them time to be alone in their own space
- Encourage them to separate their own feelings from those of
other people
- Give them the guidance they need to take action and keep moving
forward
- Don't overwhelm them with too much information at once. Break
projects down into small steps and give them "start dates" in
advance
- Offer to become their "support person" and offer to do things
with them as a team
- Listen patiently, and give them lots of time to get to the point
|
| Others like |
Others find challenging |
- They are good at solving complex problems
- They are great strategists
- They are excellent at sequencing and structuring tasks and
projects
- They manage details extremely well
- They are extremely adept at planning events, parties, or outings
- They see how the parts fit together to create the "big picture"
- They are fiercely loyal
|
- They are slow to trust new people, new things, and even new
concepts
- They hate being interrupted
- They can be stubborn and like to be asked to do something
instead of being told what to do
- They don't volunteer information and need to be asked
specifically
|
| Builds rapport |
Breaks rapport |
- Providing an agenda
- Creating timelines with them
- Allowing them time for closure and completion
- Using logic and providing facts and figures when making
decisions
- Providing a quiet and private work environment
- Giving them sufficient preparation
- Showing that you trust them
|
- Barging into their private space
- Expecting an immediate response to questions you've sprung on
them while they are focused on something else
- Presenting too many new ideas and not giving them time to
process details
- Telling them what to do rather than asking and/or giving them
choices
- Taking their contributions for granted and forgetting to
acknowledge them
- Changing the agenda without including them in the process
|
| Causes stress |
Helps re-balance |
- When their schedule is interrupted or their routine is
disrupted, they tend to become rigid and stubborn
- When their sense of order is disrupted, they try to restore it
themselves without regard for other people's needs or feelings
- When they are stressed they withdraw from communication
- They can become stressed about things that might happen
sometime in the future
|
- Ask them what they need to make something better
- Give them time alone to think things through
- Encourage them to eat, because they often forget to eat when
deeply involved in a project
- Remind them to trust the present process, and encourage them not
to worry so much about the future
|
| Visual |
Don't give them too many details. |
| |
Tell them how long they have to complete a task. |
| |
Let them know in advance when something is expected. |
| |
Post lists that they can look at; using different colored pencils for this. |
| Auditory |
Give them step-by-step instructions. |
| |
Ask them if they "heard" you. |
| |
Ask them to give you their ideas about how to do it "better." |
| |
Remember, longer tasks will cause them to lose their focus and want to move on to something else. |
| Kinesthetic |
Don't give them too many choices. |
| |
Try to present tasks in a fun way. |
| |
Ask if they feel comfortable with what you've proposed. |
| |
Ask how you can support them in completing a task. |
| |
Give them lots of hugs. |
| Digital |
Ask them to do something rather than tell them what to do. |
| |
When you ask them to do something, explain why. |
| |
Prove to them that you trust them; don't keep checking on them. |
| |
Give them sufficient time to complete the task; don't rush them. |
| Visual |
These are the folks who are good at seeing the big
picture. Support them in finding a team to help them with the details. |
| |
Book short meetings and adhere to the agreed-upon
time frame. |
| |
Ask them for an update on what they've completed
since your last meeting. |
| |
They will probably come prepared with a list of
accomplishments and check off each item as it's completed. |
| |
They tend to know their vision/goal already. |
| Auditory |
These are problem solvers and idea people, which
means that they may keep coming up with new approaches to the same
problem or skip from project to project. |
| |
Listen to their NEW ideas and stories. If you
don't, they may shut down. |
| |
Help them stay on track and stay focused on the
current project. |
| |
Remind them it's OK to have many projects—but this
is the one you're focusing on now. |
| |
Acknowledge that you've heard what they have to
say. If you don't, they will tend to repeat themselves. |
| Kinesthetic |
This group generally prefers one-on-one, in-person
coaching sessions. |
| |
Connection is important to them. Allow time for a
bit of personal chat at the start of the session, and share something
about yourself. |
| |
These people take their time and often have
trouble making decisions. Give them as few choices as possible; having
too many choices tends to overwhelm them. |
| |
If they are given homework or an exercise to
complete, they will probably want to do it with you or someone else. |
| |
Encourage them to find a partner they can work
with to get their work completed. |
| |
Whenever possible, try to incorporate some "fun"
into your sessions. |
| Digital |
These clients may sound like they "know it
all"—and they usually do. |
| |
Give them time to prepare their sequence of
upcoming tasks or projects. |
| |
These are the folks who love order, processes, and
structure. |
| |
Encourage them to come up with a step-by-step
planthat works for them. |
| |
Avoid telling them directly what to do. |
| Visual |
Like to see diagrams and pictures. |
| |
Tend to sit up front so they can see everything. |
| |
When they sit near the back, can be easily
distracted. |
| |
Will answer lots of the questions very quickly. |
| Auditory |
Like to hear and tell stories. |
| |
Tend not to take notes because they remember what
they hear. |
| |
May give long detailed answers and love to hear
themselves talk. |
| |
Tend to ask a lot of good questions. |
| Kinesthetic |
Learn best through hands-on experience. |
| |
Like to be surrounded by all the comforts of home:
pillow, sweater, lots of pens and paper for taking notes. |
| |
Work well in teams and in groups. |
| Digital |
Like questions that make them think. |
| |
Usually sit in the back of the room and tend not
to participate in class unless they are asked, "What do you think of
this?" or "What are your thoughts?". |
| |
Need time to process answers and sometimes come up
with great answers—the NEXT day. |
| |
What they like |
What they don't like |
| Visual |
Building a list |
Memorizing things |
| |
Answering questions out loud |
"Playing" - they would rather work than play |
| |
Using fill-in-the-blank worksheets |
|
| |
Taking notes |
|
| |
Using colored pens, markers, highlighters |
|
| Auditory |
Brainstorming ideas |
Being quiet |
| |
Storytelling |
Not having the opportunity to talk and/or answer
questions |
| |
Inventing better ways to do things |
Extensive note-taking |
| |
Using music or instruments |
|
| |
Group debates |
|
| Kinesthetic |
Having hands-on experiences |
Not having time for fun |
| |
Working with a buddy |
Not having time to connect with others |
| |
Being creative and having fun |
Being rushed |
| |
Using worksheets and assessments |
When things end abruptly |
| Digital |
Sorting new content |
Long written assignments |
| |
Using charts |
Being interrupted in the middle of a sequence |
| |
Compiling and analyzing data and statistics |
Incomplete agendas or lessons |
| |
Using worksheets |
Being rushed |
| |
|
Being told what to do |
| |
With individuals |
With staff in groups, or as a whole |
| Visual |
Building a vision of the big picture |
Appreciate having an agenda because they value
time so much |
| |
Running efficient meetings |
Like to know when the meeting will start and
especially when it will end |
| |
Using flip charts at meetings |
Prefer meetings that are short (under one hour) |
| |
Making sure that meetings run on time |
Will lose focus and stop paying attention more
quickly than the other types |
| |
|
To hold their attention, assign them a task such
as making the opening remarks, special announcements, or gathering
feedback on the meeting itself |
| Auditory |
Providing leadership |
Letting them know what subjects will be covered
(and what will not be covered) will keep them on track |
| |
Brainstorming ideas |
Contribute best when they are allowed to voice
their opinion or can contribute ideas |
| |
Improving the process |
Do well when given a leadership role |
| |
Making sure all is fair |
|
| |
Finding the best words to describe a project |
|
| Kinesthetic |
Building the team |
Appreciate knowing the agenda in advance so that
they can "get comfortable" with what's coming up |
| |
Creating connections among team members through
games and exercises |
Do best in a clean, well-lit,
temperature-controlled, comfortable environment |
| |
Organizing team meetings |
Are good at note-taking because it keeps them
focused and allows them to get a feel for the meeting and project |
| |
Taking notes during meetings |
|
| |
Taking care of the details |
|
| Digital |
Planning the steps and sequence of events |
Like using an agenda to sequence upcoming events
and make sure everything gets covered |
| |
Asking the "what if" analytical
questions |
Like being asked to share their
opinion; they don't volunteer unless asked |
| |
Bringing logic and order to time management |
Will probably be the ones who ask the hard but
sometimes necessary questions to ensure that all the steps and processes
work |
| |
What he or she likes |
How to address their style |
| Visual |
Tends to make decisions quickly |
Does this one look like what you had in mind? |
| |
Usually does not need the details |
Can you see yourself wearing/using this? |
| |
Likes to "look at everything" |
Is this what you pictured? |
| |
Is influenced by how the product "looks" |
It'll just take a minute or two; it will be quick. |
| |
|
Do you like this look? or, Is this the look you
want? |
| |
|
When you see something you like, let me know. |
| Auditory |
Likes to talk about his story, why he needs it,
what he will do with it, etc. |
I'll be here when you want to ask me questions. |
| |
Likes new features and gadgets; quality is a key
factor |
Does this sound like what you want? |
| |
Asks lots of good questions |
Does this resonate with you? |
| |
May express interest by using sounds like "ooh,
ahhh, hmmm" |
What do you have in mind? |
| |
May say the product does or doesn't "resonate"
with him |
What ideas did you have? |
| Kinesthetic |
Needs to have an enjoyable experience |
Does this feel like a match for you? |
| |
The shopping environment needs to "feel" good |
Does this feel right/OK? |
| |
Likes to touch, feel, and hold the product |
Are you comfortable with this? |
| |
Definitely would want to try it on to "see if it
fits" |
Is this a good fit for you? |
| |
Likes to be given a "demo" |
Would you like to hold it? Touch it? |
| |
Needs time to develop a "gut" feeling to see if
it's a match |
Take your time. |
| |
Likes to be left alone to make a decision |
|
| Digital |
Will ask many detailed questions |
Do you need some more information to help you
decide? |
| |
Wants facts, statistics, reports, manuals, etc. |
What else do you need to know? |
| |
Needs time to process all the information and
prefers not to purchase without doing lots of analysis |
Does this make sense? |
| |
Needs time to think it over |
Is this the best one for you? |
| |
Needs to build trust with the salesperson |
Does this have all the features you need? |
| |
|
What do you think of this one? What are you
thinking? |
| |
|
What are your thoughts about this? |
| |
What they like |
What they don't like |
| Visual |
Current photos |
Too much text, not enough graphics |
| |
Website owner's photo |
Lack of owner photo |
| |
Minimal text, bullet points |
Lengthy sales pitch |
| |
Short video clips |
Too much animation |
| |
|
Not neat |
| Auditory |
Sound bites (audio files) |
Poor grammar and syntax |
| |
Proper grammar and spelling |
Too many menus |
| |
Stories |
Difficulty of navigation, hard to find
information |
| Kinesthetic |
Welcome message |
Lack of owner photo |
| |
Owner's picture to build trust |
Lack of contact info |
| |
Contact information |
Lengthy sales pitch |
| |
Interactive elements |
|
| |
Ability to post a response |
|
| |
Ease of navigation |
|
| |
Video clips |
|
| Digital |
Q&A section |
Illogical or unclear tabs |
| |
Contact information (using a variety of means) |
Lack of organization |
| |
Facts and figures to support your information |
|
1. Asking Enrolling Questions (early in the talk, a question to which many
listening will feel happy about raising a hand to)
2. Getting Quick Answers Out Loud
3. Insisting on an Answer
4. "Repeat after Me . . ."
5. Getting Students to Fill In the Blanks
6. "This Is Important—Write It Down"
7. Changing the Energy of the Room (if the audience is losing focus; e.g. ask
everyone to get up, walk around; or change one's own position)
8. Sharing with a Neighbor
9. Sharing in Small Groups
10. Group Recap
| Chapter | Page | Highlight |
|---|
| | 3a |
Connecting with others is divided into 3 parts: 1) Rapport, 2) Calibrating
and 3) Communication Style |
| | 3b |
The big word seems to be "rapport", defined as a close or sympathetic
relationship, agreement or harmony |
| | 3c | We have to pick up verbal
and non-verbal clues to tell us what is the other person's communication
style |
| | 4 | In this context, calibrating
is the art of paying attention and responding to what you've noticed |
| | 11 | There's a questionnaire to
help you decide what your own preferred communication style is. But no-one
is "all" one of the styles - we have a mixture of each |
| | 17 | The next thing is to
classify in the same way a few people with whom you regularly communicate,
to get practice in recognizing the clues |
| | 85 | After the analysis of each
style, the book introduces the concepts of Reframing, Future Pacing,
Installing and Positive Presupposition |
| | 86 | Reframing is suggesting to
the other person another view about what they have said, e.g. a glass is
"half full" rather than "half empty" - always switching the mood to a more
positive one |
| | 88 | Future Pacing is a variation
on Reframing, where one puts to the other person some positive opportunities
for the future rather than dwelling on whatever they are dreading |
| | 90 | Installing is sowing a seed
in the other person's mind so that they themselves think of the positive
idea, rather than one shoving it down their throat. It might be by relating
a story of someone else who found a good solution |
| | 92 | Positive Presupposition is
the art of speaking as if other people will want to go along with you,
rather than asking "is anyone interested?" |
| | 97 | Apart from the examples in
the tables, the author suggests that the techniques could be used to good
effect with spouses and partners |
Some of these links may be under construction – or re-construction.