Hulk - stars Eric Banner, Jennifer Connelly, Nick Nolte

I was talking to someone earlier today about inspiration; where it comes from, how it manifests, why it changes over time, and why we go from springing out of bed in the morning to put something on paper to quite the opposite.  Well folks, I think I've found an example.

Not that I got out of bed this morning especially to write this, but by jingos if I had nothing else to do today, this had to be done.  Hulk is quite positively the second worst movie I've seen in a decade - the worst being Windwankers, I still don't think I've recovered.  Where to start, its sooooooo bad.

Ok, first of all lets go back to the original screen version of Marvel's "The Incredible Hulk".  Its 1978 and Friday nights get a real jolt when Bill Bixby plays a fugutive scientist in search of his own cure.  Don't make him mad, coz he turns Lou Ferrigno green who starts kicking ass and taking names - I mean wouldn't you if you ended up green and semi-naked?  Shit I would.  But seriously, as a wide-eyed child this series really piqued my interest.  It was a fresh idea too, so fresh it inspired at least two more TV series, namely Manimal and Automan, but that's another story.  I think what also worked for the show was its lack of special effects, I mean it was probably cutting-edge at the time, but for all intents and purposes, the simpler the better for this concept.  The Hulk was indeed a super human of sorts, but he still did human things, there was an element of realism about his actions and although incredibly enhanced, he wasn't portrayed as superman, I think that added magic to the concept.

Skip ahead 25 years and someone lets Mr Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Ang Lee, get a hold of the concept and release it to the masses.  Whooooooaaaaaaaa.  Even Mr Woo would've done a better job, go the slo-mo John!  So starting from the start, we get this intricate intro, something to do with genetic research and experimentation, and it goes on, and on...and oooooon.  Where's the fork already?  Tea anyone?  I persisted in the hope that someone would make Bruce mad soon, trouble is he's only 4 years old.  Crap!  Then we go through some growing up process.  Crap!  Boy leaves home, goes to college, get mad already!

So what have we learned so far.  Well, looks like Dad was fucking around with some bad ass chemicals on a government project, got a bit too enthusiastic and injected himself with it.  He subsequently gets found out and loses his job.  So he blows the place up, lol, as you do.  He probably used to work for the post office.  In the meantime he and his wife have had a child, who of course has had this genetic modification passed on to him by daddy dearest.  Top bloke.  Doesn't tell anyone though.  So now Bruce is working in a laboratory trying to find a way of healing wounds or something, has no memory of his parents' demise and thinks his name is Tunapaddy or something.  Care factor!  Get mad, turn green and get on with it for fuck's sake.  Nope, get this, we have to put up with some emotional baggage now.  I know I know, we have to set the scene for what really makes him mad right?  Holy crappers, if he's in his mid-twenties and hasn't been mad yet, well he really hasn't lived has he.  I know we're dealing with fiction here but c'mon people, lets not go overboard.

Geez, alright well finally something goes horribly wrong in the lab and he gets hammered with a dose of gamma radiation - FINALLY!  That's the second word I've heard them use that remains true to the original series.  Banner and gamma, good work Ang, although he hasn't called Bruce 'Banner' yet, just when referring to his Dad.  Sorry, sorry, another porky, at the very beginning of the flick, see if you can spot a very special appearance...ah hell I'll just tell you, I don't want you watching this as it is.  Lou Ferrigno gets about 5 seconds screen time as a security guard giving someone directions.  That's it though, that's where the misty recollections end.

At this point there isn't too much that has remained true to the original TV concept.  And I'm sure the original TV show didn't remain true to the original comic concept, but I'd never known the Hulk as a comic until this movie came out so I can't and won't go there.  But I'm guessing that the bulk of viewers for this movie would've gone to relive fond memories of Friday nights in front of The Incredible Hulk, fish'n'chips'n'all.  The one reason I wanted to stay away from this in the beginning (and I should've stuck to my guns there) was because the Hulk himself is CGI, I mean that steals the magic straight away.  Amazing as the animation is, and I truthfully haven't seen better human-movement in an animated character (good bits later), I was turned off because of it.

So what now, oh ok so he's hanging out in the office, yeah that's right, he's in the lab and doing something, work probably.  He's working late so there's noone else around.  And he's thinking about exploding frogs and something his ex-girlfriend said and boom, he gets mad.  Huh???  Ok wait, exploding frogs makes him mad.  Geez Ang, why didn't you just blow up a few more frogs earlier.  I know I know, I'm getting away from the whole concept thing again aren't I, I mean if not for the gamma blast then this anger management issue wouldn't even be an issue.  But chirst alive people, this isn't some art-house film about relationships and life, this is the Hulk, THE INCREDIBLE HULK!  Ok incredibly boring maybe, but incredible nonetheless.  So anyway, at least he's mad and turns into our favourite green character - Kermit can kiss my ass.  What ensues though?  Well for the TV show aficionados, he'd get himself out of the trouble he's in and then run off to relax and get away from it all.  But he's not in trouble, he's thinking about exploding frogs.  Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

What happens next really gets me, not that anything hasn't already, lol.  He jumps.  Yup, the Hulk is a jumper.  He gets up onto the roof and just jumps.  Disappears completely into the distance by jumping.  Jumping.  Jumping?  The Incredible Trampoline?  Since when?  How many liberties do you wanna take?  If you were gonna turn this thing into some freaky faux alien thing then why didn't you just call it Shrek Gets Mad and be done with it.  Frickin rediculous.  Are you hearing me people?  I can barely go on, its taken the guy an hour of film time to get mad, and now he's a kangaroo on steroids.  Thank fuck they didn't make him talk.  And he doesn't just jump people, he actually flies, like think about the Matrix Revolutions yeah?  And Neo does that thing where he summons up a big jump and then goes for a fly.  Well that's what our Hulk is doing.  Our Hulk?  Sorry, no no no, he's noone's Hulk, he's not mine anyway, he yours?  He's Ang's, yeah, all Ang's.  No Hulk of mine would jump, he'd just smash up some walls, perhaps throw a baddy or two through a window and then go fishing in his new boardies.

Alright, so we have a movie that doesn't remain true to the TV show, and if it does stick to the comic then I'm out of my depth here.  In fact if someone can steer me in the right direction there then it'll ease my mind a little.  I just couldn't grasp anything that was going on.  The movie moves on and we have an elite air strike force hunting the Hulk down, with very little success.  Buggered if I know how four tanks kept up with this Hulk thing jumping 10 kays at a time.  I went from scratching my head to rubbing my nose to massaging my feet, I was blown out with the directions this movie kept moving in.  Its a mishmash of concepts from Matrix (making a mockery of gravity and such), King Kong (overgrown villain hunted down by flying machines and picking up distraught women...literally), Spiderman (maniacal experimental father) and Unbreakable (everyone's clueless!).

And that ending...actually I didn't watch the end so I won't comment there.  Something happened with the father who turned himself into electricity and spirited the both of them to some pond where they attempted to drown eachother or something.  I couldn't make anything out but I was hoping it would happen quicker than it was.  I took it back to the video shop at that point.  So yeah, we waited an hour for Bruce to get mad, and after thinking about exploding frogs he just didn't look back.  Neither did anyone else by the looks, I just hope everyone was well paid.

Right then, the good bits.  I can think of three.  Remember I watched this on DVD so I don't know if they'd relate to the big screen.  The animation, the filming technique, the sound.  Ok wait, before I do that, I just thought of another big annoyance with the film.  I reckon a total of at least 15 minutes was spent on artful, useless, cutaways.  Of folliage would you believe.  Yep, trees, grass, flowers, you name it.  Totally unnecessary, completely out of place, head-scratchingly baffling!  Right, back to this good shit.

And that's pretty much where it ends.  Back into the bad stuff and we're talking really bad acting, terrible dialogue, some of it is so contrived I thought I was gonna be sick.  Movies 101 people, get someone who knows what they're doing to write the script.  In saying that they probably all went running to the hills when offered this job.  And they marketted this thing toward kids pretty much as well, what with all the toys and stuff that came out.  Kids wouldn't have a clue what's going on in this, and I seriously doubt a child would've gotten through that first hour without being distracted with gum in their hair or something.

And what was Eric Bana thinking???  I've seen a couple of interviews with him post-Hulk and the dubbing of his voice seems a little out of sync.  So I took a closer look and here's what I heard:

Q: "So Eric, you're happy with the film?"
A: "Yeah, very happy, it was great fun."

Here's what I saw:

Q: "So Eric, what the fuck made you do that piece of crap?"
A: "Oh fuck don't get me started.  I said to my agent 'Look mate, if you sign me up for this crap I'll kick your ass'.  So he goes and signs me up anyway.  The director can't speak English, and can't understand the dialogue.  I'm saying 'Ang, mate, these words are shithouse, can we get someone else to re-write this for us?', he walked around grunting 'Hulk, Hulk' the whole time and drinking saki.  Meanwhile Jennifer Connelly's off shooting smack up her arm and taking off her clothes, I said 'Look love, I realise this method acting thing has worked for you in the past but you gotta get past it.'  Turns out she was just on her lunch break.And Nick, christ, he really did think he was my father.  Jesus, lucky I got paid.  So how's your day been anyway?"

No wonder they dubbed it out.  Anyway, so the bottom line from me to you is this: if you're a fan of the TV series, don't go and see this.  If you're a fan of the comic book, no comment.  If you've never seen or heard of the comic, the TV series or the character the Hulk at all, you might actually get something out of it.  If for no other reason than to see some animation, regardless of what its doing or its context, you'll be very impressed.  I'm struggling to give this any points at all, I guess it can have a half.  Half a star, what a joke, lol.

BH