.....kiss my ass!!!
Allow me to expand.
I do not write reviews or even dabble in this art normally and leave it to benno to inform me. But alas for the experience of a review that might be at bipolar to one we have already read on this flick, well that was what the cows ordered.
Now Benno and I often enjoy and love quoting the same flicks. No secrets there. But sometimes, just sometimes, we find one where we drive out in sperate directions and come back head on into each other at about 100 mile an hour! This flick was one of those.
So this is not the norm for us. Also if you are going to see this film, then please please please do not read any further. When benno reviews a movie it never ever spoils anything. I on the other hand have the ability to be very very wrong with flicks and sometimes spoil them too. I tried really hard not to, but hey, not blowing the plot in a review is an art, Ben can do it, not so sure about me. That said if you continue reading it's your own fault.
I will shed a new light, as requested by Ben himself, on Minority Report.
Don't panic he has already heard this before.
Marcus
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Firstly this script was written using the cut and paste function on a 286. That means who ever wrote it was surfing through scripts online in the middle of the night, probably drooling and either dropping acid or making a 'Oook' noise as they peeled a new banana (Actually possibly both now I give it more thought), all the mean while stealing.......well......furkin everything in that script!
It is actually hard not to find something in this film not stolen/borrowed/lifted/plagiarised. I tell a lie. I thought the shopping mall rocked and the newspapers and mags too. However seeing as they make up around 2% of the film I am willing to cut into the rest without any heart or soul.
Now Spielberg makes great flicks....sometimes......Tom Cruise makes great flicks........sometimes too. Put them together and our fifty fifty men are already down to a 25% chance of success before adding the thieving script writing acid monkey into it!
Oh before I forget and go any further, the acid dropping chimp stole from:
LA Confidential - Stole Heavily, Tip of the day = if your a cop and your hot on the murder trail, do NOT go back and see your nearly retiring boss if you think he won't shoot you dead. Oh yeah nothing better than letting the cat out of the bag when there is still 30 mins to go!! But really two cops working against each other, both honest, coming together at the last minute......hmmm.
The Firm - Stole heavily, on the run from the employer again.....shit they even stole Tom!
The Fugitive - Instead of going on the run, how about going on the run and trying to solve the crime. Thank god they didn't give tom a beard at the start or that would have been too much!
The Fifth element - Stole just about everything ranging from the transport system... Oh look cars going up and down on the sides of buildings again....sooo original Steve! The look of the future - (except Willis's midget Tokyo sized apartment/dump, should see Tom's new pad, Hey Bruce baby you jealous?), the Umber babe (Christ they even looked the same and both babbled around drooling like the crack was wearing off waaaaaaay too fast) and yadda yadda. Although the one in the fifth element could fight and looked like she was enjoying a decent acid tab, the one in this flick gives the impression that without the spa bath full of heroin, life out of the spa sees withdrawal symptoms kicking in faster than a Tesltra connection bill which will arrive as soon as you put the phone down and blow your furkin mind as you try and work out where exactly the %60 fee goes? Can anyone say "Stock holders"?.
Blade Runner - Well gee the cities didn't look the same at all......much........the slumville's were the same set I am sure and god dam you still need umbrellas cause it still rains.....in both advanced cites!
Is it just me or do all future cops wear that black riot gear all the time. I think Hollywood has a wardrobe section called 'Futuristic cop' and all they do is wack on the same riot gear they currently wear. I saw the same gear in....well any American movie wear the cops have to look mean. I think the first time I saw this look in the future was Robo cop too. Admittedly I would love to have one of those outfits.....they always look safe and mean at the same time and the visors allow them to eat dohnut's and coffee all at once. Probably even smoke cigs too!
Either or the script was so unoriginal in just about everything that happened it was hard to find something to smile at. So lets find things to frown at first.
So here we go.
The year 2054 (There abouts) and the US Government, at what ever level, has decided to bring in a new way of dealing with crime. They wire up three ex-crack babies against their will and their parents (Taking advantaged of drugged up kids....can anyone say "Assassin"), who mind you now have better and harder drugs than before (the crack babies that is, all Tom could find in the movie for himself was something pretty average and looked like less fun than snorting wiz up your nose as a 10 year old ) and float around in a spa bath with your standard scientist who loves them just that little too much and they flash up images of crime before it happens on the ceiling (?). Tom using, what can only be described as a waif super Mac made of clear plastic and running 'Windows Virtual Reality 3.1' (See in the future everything DOES become compatible). This means he looks like a dick for about 5 mins to sort out the crimes. Oh yeah your probably wondering how the crack babies communicate with Tom the 'name' of the person when someone is going to commit a murder? This is great!
Well with all this high Tec futuristic stuff it's pretty dam impressive let me tell you. You'd think this would be the real hum dinger of the film.....and yet. It is these crazy little laser thingo's that make a wooden ball with the name engraved on it and then it rolls down a little series of ramps and stops at the bottom. Very very very impressive. I mean I know this film was made on the premise of stealing. But when your watching Tatts Lotto at night on your television, please stop stealing at that moment and focus on the pizza that just got delivered or the dam machine that choses the balls will wind up in the film....too late. Oh well.
So yeah Tom reads the name on the ball, does some aero mouse work and Tom and his boys jump in the aero-cop mobile which Boba Fet is probably still looking for (Star wars, star wars, star wars) and then jet pack it down to the ground from there, well except for the last 10 meters, better use a rope hey boys! (Nothing better than people using rope! Even the Boon Dock Saints make a big deal of rope as a joke!)
Then they arrest the person just before the crime takes place and this is a bullet proof system without any room for error right from the crack babies to the Oz Lotto fun, especially because any reports containing information on how f_cked up it really was when the developed it, were destroyed by a crazy woman with a thing for weird ass plants and that's ok with just about everyone, oh wait except for..........Tom, there's always a loop. I think he is a little pissed cause he gets a party pash off her!
Well Tom finds out he has been pinned for a future murder and gets a little frustrated actually. Let the chasing begin. Yup. If you want to hide from the cops too, you just get a new set of eye's from a back yard surgeon and then you have no worries. Oh yeah they still make and use lunch bags too! That's good news.
Anyway I think you all get the gist from what I am saying that I was not on board for any originality at all.
Tell you what though, 50 years (1953) ago the cops, to bust down your door and do a search of an entire building would have to get together a shit load of cops and warrants and then really spend a good hour or so going door to door. Today they do the same except hope no lawyers turn out to live there as they would sue there ass's off! But in 50 years time according to our acid monkey writer, the cops walk in with little spider things and they race around the building doing retina scans. Hmmm......I think the time jump was a little off with the technology upgrades. Still the idea of it being true scared the crap out of me. And if you hate spiders.......better start pumping up the super payments my friend! Start looking at your choice of buildings carefully.
Now I will stop harassing the film here and focus on
.......the shopping mall. It rocked! It had some great features going for it. The eye scanners knew who you were and what you wanted (I can hear the sound of women every where fantasising at this new experience of shopping and credit cards being placed in the holders). It then customised the adds to suit you and even used your first name when trying to flog beer, what hope could you have....I like it!
......newspapers and magazines instantly change their news as it's added...too bad if you were just reading something, but talk about up to date!
......and the pinnacle point, the musical breakfast cereal box that plays the jingle! I want that and I want it now! Very cool. Still looks the same too and still bachelor late night snack food! Some things don't change!
I could even go to town on the final closing shot on the flick.......I am sure I saw a tractor in it next to the house......I really really really hope I didn't. lol.
The acid monkey responsible for this script has the surname 'Dick' (He really did!). That should tell you something. But alas Steven did direct it and while he has had some great scripts to work with, this sadly was not, for me anyway, one of them. Although it all looked really spiffy, at the end of the day if you put a two pack paint job on a Hyundai, I am still going to see a Hyundai.
So sorry if you saw it and didn't appreciate my rant and sorry if you saw it and loved the movie. But if you made the mistake of reading this prior to seeing the film do not let this put you off. Go and see it!!!
Marcus......putting in words why people do not and should not watch films with me!