Lord Of The Rings, The Two Towers - stars all the dudes from the previous one, nice cameo from David Wenham too

Standard Rings fair. Definately one for the big screen, its a doozy on the eye. Story-line left loads to be desired though. For anyone familiar with the book, what's with the screwing with the plot. There's no love in Middle Earth, there's no romance. I was disappointed with the first one and that whole Aragorn-Arwin connection. Now there's a new chick on the scene and...oh its just crap. I half expected Princess Abidablibabli to fly in and start shagging Anikin in the background. And throwing in Frodo's quest, he doesn't figure until the end of book 2, and even then its only brief. And then the Ents, the Ents are the coolest things in Middle Earth by a country mile, and you learn nothing about them. Just that they look after trees. What you don't learn is that all trees were once Ents but are now too tired to move around - or couldn't be bothered depending on who you ask - and the active Ents roam around protecting them. Treebeard says one thing which would've confused the masses to pieces, and that was something along the lines of "Ents talk slowly, and only if its worth talking about" and there's no indication of how long that discussion (about going to war) actually took. It took days and days. Wankers! I know I know, its hard to bring a book to the big screen, paricularly one of this magnitude, but the last thing you want to do is get Hollywood involved, and this smacks of Hollywood. They are by no means back into my good books, not even close to the short list, and there's no way they're getting a wild card entry, not yet.

But I'm being picky, and I know it. Discounting plot, what you've got here is a visual and audible treat, and even at almost 3 hours in length you're left wanting more. Great battle scenes, superb special effects with kudos to Gollam's creation, really nicely done. I guess this is the year it all comes together. If you haven't seen the Two Towers yet, do what Stace and I did, go hire the first one and watch it right before you hit the cinema, worked for us nicely, but makes this years 9 hour Ringathon look pretty daunting. 3 and a half stars.

DVD has given me extra impetice to revisit some of my old favourites, as if I need yet another excuse. But we're doing new releases as well. Here's a couple of warnings.

People I Know - stars Al Pacino

Crap! Utter F*&^ing Crap! So bad its indescribable. For anyone who has seen it, where the hell was it going? Where the hell did it go? Forr anyone who hasn't seen it, a) DON'T, and b) the fact I can't describe it to you should be reason enough to avoid it. Something about a PR guy who organises a dinner, or something, then this thing happens with this chick and that guy unloads a pile of cash on his desk and...you know what, this is a waste of words. The DVD extras don't even deserve a mention. 1 star.

Unfaithful - stars Richard Gere, Diane Lane

They say "Its a scorcher!", I say "this thing wouldn't catch alight in the middle of a bush fire". Remember all that time ago when I told you about these post card things that were being handed out in cafes around town detailing the "tell tale" signs that your lover is cheating on you? Well this is the flick. Cor, what a wannabe story of love, betrayal, and...er...betrayal of love. Something. Richard and Diane are married with child, living in the burbs in a huge mansion. They drive BMW's. Diane meets a stranger by chance, decides to shag him, regrets it while still shagging him. Rich finds out, accidentally kills the guy. She doesn't know he knows and he doesn't tell her, until he starts verifying her stories to the police when they investigate the case. And then it just ends.

The worst parts of this movie were the plot and the acting, the best part was the end - so glad it finished. Guess who plays the son, Erik Per Sullivan, he plays the youngest boy in Malcolm In The Middle. As soon as I saw that there was no chance I could take this movie seriously. I'm on the fence with Richard as it is, but this kid, forget it. And he plays the same stupid gross child that he plays in Malcolm. I wanted to burst out laughing caus' he's a funny stupid gross child, but I couldn't, it wasn't funny. This is not a funny movie. So was there anything good about the movie? Well, no not really, there's some "steamy sex" in it, though I didn't see any. The stairwell bit was ok I spose. It just plods along and you sit there thinking "c'mon, do something" but it doesn't. Noone ever listens to me!

The best part of the movie? One of the DVD extras was a couple of deleted scenes. One didn't make sense and I'm sure everyone was glad it was removed, the other however was meant to be a prelude to a shag session in a cinema that you are given a glimpse of in the movie itself. Stupid to have left it out in my opinion but there you have it. 2 stars.

The Believer - stars Ryan Gosling, cameos from Billy Zane and Theresa Russell

Its about a Nazi facist skin head type dude preaching anti-semitic beliefs, who is in fact a Jew himself. Intrigued? Yeah we were too. This Danny guy is super conflicted in life. He is Jewish, and despite his rantings and actions against the faith and its people, he respects it. The first thing that struck me about the film is its indie feel. All that camera shake and that un-slicked finish to the film. I think it gives it the raw edge it deserves. Its also based on the true story of a Nazi Party leader from the 60's who was revealed to be Jewish.

Now if any of the content is fact or fiction regarding the religious rhetoric the script comes out with, I can't say here nor there. Does it sound valid? Again, no clue really. From early on I didn't bring my political/religious opinions into it, I just watched it for what it was and put the words with the people and it played out ok for me that way. But there's definately issues of racial hatred and anti-semitism to deal with in this flick, so if you are in any way offended by any of that, probably not your film.

Ryan Gosling does a great job playing our conflicted lead character, and again I'm avoiding what's in the script, but the way he portrays the character and delivers the script, I'd have to say great performance. The support cast also does a great job. But again I come back to the indie feel the movie has been done with, its really refreshing to have it done these days and I think enhances the overall feel. I'm not sure its been done before that often, certainly not as good as this. 3 and a half stars.

Not Another Teen Movie - stars Chyler Leigh (who?), Chris Evans (huh?), Jaime Pressly (ooohhhhh her...?)

Whatever. Awful attempt at spoofing 486 movies in two hours. That's gonna be hard for even the Flying High writers - the masters of the genre in my humble opinion. Where Super Troopers looked dumb but ended up being a really smart comedy, this one does completely the opposite. Skip the movie itself here (you want me to, trust me) and go straight to the DVD extras. Now these things are hillarious. The director saying how its his first movie and he wanted it to be a good story, and the various crew heads to preach the gospel of finding the right people for the job and making their characters look right. People people people, its a spoof, S-P-O-O-F, that means you look at what you're spoofing and copy it in a funny way. Deeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Ok, even more special, the deleted scenes section. 16 in total I believe. Holy crap. I actually thought most of the scenes from the movie should've been deleted, but to admit that you filmed all this extra footage and dropped it from the movie, you're digging yourself a really deep hole. Where's my phoney dog poo?!? 1 star.

Now for some decent stuff...

The Sweetest Thing - Stars Cameron Diaz, Christina Appelgate, Selma Blair

Straight off I'm getting Something About Mary isms from this, then it heads into American Pie territory except they're adults, and then there's smatterings of Road Trip and more than a nod to Sex In The City. I had to get that out of the way, because despite this being a pretty good comedic effort on its own, its borrowing heavily from previous material. But really, you shouldn't let that put you off, this thing is a scream.

This movie sees three girlfriends living together in San Fran and playing the dating game. They're all looking for love, they're just not sure what sort. Then one night Christina (Diaz) meets a possible Mr Right, but lets him get away. The rest of the movie focuses on her search for him, and the stuff that goes on in the meantime runs from the rediculous to the sublime, and most of it is really funny.

Its almost like one skit after another cleverly melded together, its nicely done. And some of the hilarity is great, breast implants, public toilet shenanigans, cum-stains, girth, road trips, daggy undies, piercings, it runs the whole gammut. What you have is girls "acting like guys", but knowing most of the women we know, this didn't come as a surprise at all. Lets face it, we're in the company of some amazing women. But yeah, what I'm trying to say is this bucks the so-called trend of the way girls behave, and they get up to lots of "guy" stuff. Whatever.

It is funny, lots of slapstick, lots of toilet humour, plenty of sexual undertones..."I can't believe I'm fucking a purple elephant...", yeah you just gotta see this one I think. I'll now come back to the Something About Mary isms caus' they really are prominant. Take this scene: two of the girls come home, police, firemen, hoards of people, they get to their apartment and there's even more people up there, nurses, onlookers, blah blah. Turns out Jane's man has his penis stuck in her throat...he has a piercing...so if you don't get the "zipper" flashbacks from Mary, then its possible you haven't seen it. These things are all through it, but I digress.

This thing is funny, had me laughing out loud. I'm not the biggest fan of Cameron but she did well ish, and Selma Blair, well after Cruel Intentions I lost faith in her credence. Her part is okay I spose, should've had someone else in it. Christina Appelgate is the star of the show, she is outstanding, and still looking incredible too, kudos for casting her. On to the extras and there's a half-interesting behind-the-scenes where everyone blows smoke up everyone else's asses, nothing new there. Then there's this odd day-in-the-life spoof on the writer which has its moments but really not worth the time. Then there's a whole selection of preview of other movies. Oddly enough, Something About Mary is in there...hhmm...3 and a half stars.

Now some old favs...

Rapid Fire - stars Brandon Lee

Classic beat 'em up, shoot 'em up, just kill 'em basically. This was Brandon's big break. Released in '92, this film has aged quite well...except for the music. Its that electronic Beverly Hills Cop stuff that so many of the 80's b-grade brigade used. But yeah, it looks supurb on DVD, lots of guns, lots of fights, Brandon's expertise in martial arts of course coming to the fore, but like The Crow, not focusing on it as the crux of the film. Brandon plays Jake Lo, a witness to a mob hit who after being taken in by the FBI, finds they're in on it as well. So hunted by all sides, its down to a rogue cop to save his ass.

As I said, loads of fights and shoot outs, Brandon's got some nice moves and being on the tail end of the excess of the 80's it has the classic cliche ending. But I love it, and hey, its on DVD now. 3 and a half stars.

Apt Pupil - stars Ian McKellen, Todd Bowden

This is a Stephen King adaptation, which I didn't realise when I first saw it. Its about a school boy who discovers a wanted Nazi war criminal is living in his neighbourhood. He blackmails the old man into telling him all about the holocaust and the experiments they performed. But as time goes on, it seems the old man begins to get the upper hand. And are old habbits reappearing? Who really is in control here, and is our young hero changing?

Ian McKellen was a virtual unknown before X-Men in which he played Magneto, his movie biography reads like a whose who of Shakespear. But now of course he's Gandalf. And how stoked was I with myself that he will be playing none other than Professor Dumbledore since Richard Harris passed on last year - he was my first guess for the part.

Great story capped with a great ending, you'll have to open your mind just a little though, it is Stephen after all. 4 stars.

The Game - stars Michael Douglas, Sean Penn

Superb what-the-fuck's-going-on-here flick, Michael's in fine form as the overly successful business man with everything, Sean playing the rogue brother as only Sean can. Twists and turns and...how on earth you're meant to end up in Mexico and still call it a game I'll never know. Real doozy though, sucks you in and drags you along for the ride. First time Stace had seen it and even she was impressed - she doesn't like too many of my oldies-but-goodies. 4 stars.

The Negotiator - stars Samuel L Jackson, Kevin Spacey

Superb film, one of the last of the "blockbusters" to come out of Hollywood that actually worked. Ho hum, they were good times. For anyone that's seen John Q, yeah its ok, but go see this if you haven't already. Same shit, smells better! Samuel's got some great lines, loads of cool rhetoric, Spacey too is ultra cool. Its slickly produced, sonically sensational, loads of guns and hostage taking and sniper action. Even cooler are the DVD extras - see how they set up the Chicago skyline from the 20th floor in a studio, now that's impressive. Can't wait until its due time to see it again. 4 and a half stars.

I'll leave it there, we've watched a ton of movies on our new toy with plenty more sitting on the loungeroom floor ready to go. Hope this finds you all happy and healthy for the start of '03. Love ya's.

BH