Its official, Hollywood can kiss my ass!!!
At 8.30 last night we decided we really should get to the cinema as the show was starting at 8.40, and we hate leaving a half-finished beer...we made it with even time to get the munchies. In fact we ended up sitting in the cinema for yet another 15 minutes waiting for thing to start. There was literally only one other person in the theatre with us, we just thought they were waiting for more people to turn up. Nooooooo, when the oddly familiar order of previews gave way to the opening credits of Boredom By Numbers, we downed tools and went back out for clarification, thought for sure we were in the right theatre. No. Doh!
Finally, we're in the right theatre, and there was NOONE else in there. We picked out our favourite spots, chastised ourselves for having a blonde moment, and settled in to watch the rest of The Transporter. BIG F*&^ING MISTAKE! Despite missing the first 20 minutes or so, we picked up the storyline in about two seconds flat. While Stace was trying to work out if the aircon in the place was making her cold or not, I kept wondering where my footy pump had gone...and we both weren't surprised that there was nobody else here, I hate to say it but we would've preferred to sit through Boredom by Numbers again...
The Transporter - stars Jason "Lock Stock" Statham
One word, appauling! I can use examples if you like, get a load of these little gems:
 | there is a character named Wall Street |
| ex-special forces means "Ninja" |
| if you roll around in axle-grease and stick bike pedals on your feet, you will not fall over while doing round-house kicks |
| kidnapping someone means they will sleep with you AND save your life |
| if you run fast enough, you too can keep up with a plane (was only a wussie crop duster though) |
The blurb reads something like "This film is about a man whose job is to deliver packages without asking any questions. Complications arise when he breaks those rules." Ok, so you'd be expecting a movie about this guy who delivers stuff no matter what. He delivers something in the first 10 minutes of the film, spends the rest of it being a Ninja and battling people-smugglers...yeah don't even get me started on that tangent.
They tried desperately to take the best scenes from successful movies, recreate them, and chuck a story-line around it. For anyone that's seen XXX, they did the same thing, only they used extreme sports instead of movie scenes. Oh yeah, and it was half decent. Classic examples:
Our hero's car explodes, he goes flying back into the windscreen of another parked car - Backdraft Our hero is swimming underwater while the surface is on fire - True Lies Our hero is trapped on a parked bus with about 4 bazillion goons around him, he wins - any Jackie Chan flick Our hero beats up two guys by tying them up with his jumper in trendy ways - any Jackie Chan flick Our hero catches a flying gun behind his back and shoots dudes - any Chow Yun Fat flick
Actually when I put it all that way, we really are talking a classic Hong Kong style flick, tons and tons of bad guys getting done in by ONE dude, caus' they a) can't shoot straight, and b) can't fight. Why are these people bad guys in the first place??? They wagged Good Career Moves 101 at TAFE obviously.
Jason Stratham played Bacon in "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" and Turkish in "Snatch". In this flick, he plays an ex-Brittish Special Forces dude whose retired and living in France and is obviously super rich. He's super fit and runs around ALOT, and also talks with a part-American, part-Queen's English accent. Ssshhhhyyyyeeeeeaaaaahhhh right. Every now and then his character has to speak lots and lots and really loud and angry, and he slips straight back into his East End cockney. Man! And to watch him run around is just funny, you think, there's no way Bacon could do that, not with the amount he smokes.
My analogy of a Hong Kong flick isn't too far shy of reality, with co-director Corey Yuen having an acting/directing career doing just that going back years and years (who cares how long, that's what he does), and co-director Louis Leterrier having just one credit under his belt..."Asterix and Obelix: Mission Cleopatra". Riiiiiight. Imaging putting those two together...er...yeah nah don't.
If you too decide to go and see this flick, first slap yourself, HARD. Then I highly recommend you find yourself a rusty pair of pliers - ask the neighbours if they have one if you need to - sit on the couch with a few warm beers and pull your fingernails out one by one. Much better fun! 1/2 a star.
Speaking of which, what is the plural of Pliers?
You know what, think we'll go bowling instead next time :-)
BH