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April 14th, 2006 I have a feeling a lot of this will need to be rewritten. It's not an easy story to tell. Objectively it could be full of facts devoid of feeling but I've had enough of that. The people I know are comfortable with that level of insight into another's life, so I've had plenty of opportunities to describe my condition and treatment, and I suppose it is quite interesting if you've never come across someone on dialysis before. It's the subjective side of the story I'm interested in here. What's it like to live in my skin, walk in my shoes, dwell inside my head..? No wonder no-one wants to hear it - sounds terrible doesn't it? That's the beauty of writing it down - it's your choice if you read it or not. I have the sense of being listened to. Everyone's happy. But can I do it? Can I manage to capture the essence of what it's like to go from crisis to crisis for twenty years, to be healed after five years illness and suddenly be diagnosed with something else even more serious, to be sick for ten years straight... I mean, these things DO something to you and it feels like I've got something to say... but how to say it? No wonder I haven't been able to start to even try until now. But start I have so I must find a way to continue. I really believe I have some important things to say. Whether anyone will care to listen is beside the point just at the moment. If I go on musing like this the chances are increasingly slim of course! Hmmm.. hmm.. where to begin... how to continue... it's not going very well is it? I haven't even got a working title yet. Maybe I'm not ready to tell my story yet. After all I'm still very much 'in' the story still... I haven't managed to 'move on' - whatever that means. I don't think I have any choice - life moves me on from one problem to the next whether I like it or not! 18 months later I had this to say...
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