No Idea about Meng's form slump

Eugene Ubermayer, May 31 2005  

The irregular Monday column in which our editor answer your questions about (almost) any aspect of Kenyan Rain God cricket.

What's this NoIdea team all about? Are the Kenyan Rain Gods going to make a return to SSSSS cricket?? asked Bob from Jindalee

NoIdea is Robert Colvin's side-project. Just as the former axeman from hard-rockers Phane worked on a (short-lived) musical side-project (The Robert Colvin Experience), so has he started NoIdea. NoIdea is an outlet for Colvin to try out new captaincy theories without all of the media fuss surrounding each Rain Gods game. Critics are nonplussed with some of the radical techniques Colvin has employed this season including:

• not turning up to a game, installing Pete May as captain and instructing him to make the oddest of bowling choices;
• throwing away the best possible start to a season by losing to a succession of ordinary teams;
• not scoring many runs;
• not taking many wickets;
• holding a "how to run between wickets" workshop with Jason Lord mid-match; and
• selecting players from countries whose only experience of cricket is hitting rolled-up yak dung with a bat carved out of snow.

I notice that Shane Meng's been a bit out of sorts recently. What do you think his problem is? asked Shane from Indooroopilly

Shane Meng is certainly in the midst of the biggest form slump of his career. Theories abound as to the cause of his rapid decline. Some speculate that it is the pressure of being outperformed by his younger, and far more talented, brother. Others have noted that Meng has not being playing indoor cricket and is therefore lacking match fitness. Team mates have suggested that family life and old-age are taking their toll, dulling the reflexes of the former champion in some sort of "Dodson effect". If this is the case, Meng will need to re-work his game and find a new role within the team, Hunter suggesting perhaps as a model for umpires learning how to make LBW decisions against left-handers.

Why don't some players have profiles on their player page on DarkCaps.com? asked "DJ" from Redcliffe

This question gets asked of the DarkCaps.com editors surprisingly frequently. Regular readers will no of the high-quality editing of DarkCaps.com; the editors are dedicated to producing a web site of the highest possible quality. Submitted articles are rigorously checked for accuracy, style and grammar before they make it on to DarkCaps.com. However, DarkCaps.com's staff numbers are relatively small and we rely on the Kenyan Rain Gods' extensive fanbase (numbering in the teens) to supply articles from time-to-time. Submitted articles have generally been of very poor quality, with the obvious exception of John "Johnno" Johnson's musings. The editors have, on occasion, received fan-submitted player profiles. These have included such delights as (hilariously) describing Dave Jones in terms of a well-known department store; a 523-page manuscript documenting Lisa Mullen's pregnancy; assorted haiku about Ty Dodon's "smiling assasin" catch (captain sends him back / ball lofted, swirling, falling / the jester! howzat!); and never more than a couple of words about KRG stalwart Pete May.

What happened to all the memorabillia? There hasn't been any new stuff for ages. asked Karen from Indooroopilly

Tonkes-Hunter Magical Memories, the company behind the products in the DarkCaps.com sportshop has been experiencing some financial difficultly. Sales have not been as high as expected, and the storage costs of their inventory (59 copies of "The Semi-Final Frontier", 150 copies of "Smiling Assassin", 100 of "Great Rain God Performances", 3 "Rampage"s, 400000 copies of "13" at last count, and an unknown number of copies of "The Conference" as well as an ample supply of Crazy Hats, DVDs, videos, books, flags, replica bats and mini bats). Oddly, the patented Tonkes Mallet is no longer in stock after they were all stolen from a Sydney warehouse. Financial statements from the company show total revenue in 2003/04 of $0. Federal police have contacted Tony Greig over his association with and endorsement of the company. There is no word on whether production of the company's 2005 range of memorabilia will continue. This range was slated to include

• "The Slog": Jason Lord's irresistible shot immortalised in bronze;
• "The Magic Finger": A life-size replica of the finger Chris Hunter used to run out the non-striker Kuskopf;
• "HOWZAT!": A framed portrait of Julian Boot appealing for a caught-behind he knows isn't off the bat;
• "Stat-Watching for Dummies", Scott Ramsay's introductory book on the subject most dear to his heart; and
• "Ow! My F*ing Back!", Brad Tonkes' guide to sensible injury management.

Eugene Ubermayer is editor of DarkCaps.com. If you want to Ask Eugene a question, e-mail him at btonkes@cse.unsw.edu.au. The most interesting questions will be answered each week in this column. Fortunately, we can usually enter into correspondence about individual queries.