Mike’s de-conversion described.

 For the Christians who have known me as a Christian, most of them found my de-conversion unbelievable.  This is literally true, with some people passing off it all as a joke and something I’ll get over.  Others have found the change quite confronting, as they knew the vigour and passion I had for the God I believed in, my faith and my evangelical mission.

In a simplified way this is what happened.  After being involved with a number of Christian denominations at various times I had seen how polluted the Christian faith had become.  The dissatisfaction with authentic faith had brought me to the point of realising that it was quite possible, with a degree of certainty, that I too had been taken away from the true mission that Jesus had given his people. 

As a result of these thoughts I decided that I wanted to re-establish my Christian faith by re-committing to the way of Jesus.  I decided the best, most authentic and honest way I could do this was to start from scratch.  I would do this by assuming the position of a neutral believer, an agnostic, and allow the Holy Spirit to minister to my spirit afresh.  In a sense, I wanted to go back to the altar and retake the journey of my salvation.  I decided to pick up my Bible and allow God’s Spirit to renew me without the shackles of institutional Christianity.  In a sense I wanted to give myself over completely to God, his direction and re-new my relationship with him.

So I started reading my Bible, in particular the New Testament.  I approached the reading with prayer asking God for guidance.  However, as I began reading, right from the start it appeared to take on a new light.  As I read through Matthew, the story of Jesus in the wilderness took on a spin that I had never considered before.  I had never read or heard anything that contradicted the story, and for the first time in my life the story appeared to be full of glaring contradictions.  How could Jesus still walk after not eating for 40 days?  Would the Roman authorities allow Jesus to scale the Temple heights?  Did Jesus go from the wilderness back to Jerusalem and back to the wilderness again?  Was Jesus’ encounter with the devil a self induced hallucination from a severe lack of food?

This was not the first time I had read my Bible.  I had studied it in some depth before and never encountered the questions and concerns that were coming to mind.  In fact, when I spoke to people about what had happened they were convinced that I had been polluted with sceptic literature that undermined the Bible.  This could not be further from the truth.  Many of the questions that had come up through my reading were purely and simply in and of myself.  Or was the real God showing me something?  Who knows! 

Well that was the beginning of my de-conversion.  Since then I have not moved much from where I started.  Now, I understand the position of an Agnostic far better and have even met Christians who call themselves Agnostic.

 So was I really ever a Christian?

I can’t tell you how many Christians have told me that I wasn’t really ever saved in the first place, that my Christianity was a charade.  It’s always too easy for other people to claim to know what’s going on in someone’s life.  For those who knew me closely, none of them ever gave a second thought to the possibility that I wasn’t a real "born again" "Holy Spirit indwelt" Christian.  In fact, I never really considered it either.  What I did consider is the inadequacy of my relationship in terms of being authentic to the way of Jesus.  This had always been my goal, to be like Jesus.  Experience has shown me that some Christians don’t really come to terms with the “be like Jesus” goal.  When it comes down to it, the thought is very confronting.  It exposes people to the nature of their faith.

To sum up, all I can say is that if people want to say that I wasn’t really a Christian, then they are probably not Christians either.