Mikes Forum

My sister in law Brenda sent this to me and a number of people have responded to the contents. Read on, it is an interesting scenario. Thanks Brenda, let's see how people respond to this resume.

Hello. My name is Jesus -The Christ. Many call me Lord! I've sent you my resume because I'm seeking the top management position in your heart. Please consider my accomplishments as set forth in my resume.

I founded the earth and established the heavens, (See Proverbs 3:19)
I formed man from the dust of the ground, (See Genesis 2:7)
I breathed into man the breath of life, (See Genesis 2:7)
I redeemed man from the curse of the law, (See Galatians 3:13)
The blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant comes upon your life through me, (See Galatians 3:14)

Now that you've read my resume, I'm confident that I'm the only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this vital position in your heart. In summation, I will properly direct your paths, (See Proverbs 3:5-6), and lead you into everlasting life, (See John 6:47). When can I start? Time is of the essence, (See Hebrews 3:15).

Send this resume to everyone you know, you never know who may have an opening! Thanks for your help and may God bless you!

Dhampir: Official response: I'm sorry, Mr., Christ, was it? Yes, Well, your resume is certainly impressive, but at this moment we feel you may be a bit overqualified. Certainly, your skills would be better utilized in a better position than the one we advertised. Thank you for your time.

Willybilly: Sorry but I don't hire people this is my own business and I'm keeping it that way.
after reading the old testament my advice is to contact the nearest mental hospital and check yourself in.

Varokhar: Hello, Mr. Christ. Have a seat. Yes, I got your resume - pretty impressive, but I checked it out and none of it is verifiable. Listen, I know you have a LOT of references. Problem is, they don't check out, either. They can't give any reason for recommending you other than that I just should hire you, and get very rude when I want to know more.

So, I'm sorry, I'll have to decline your offer. Then again, the chief position in my heart has been filled. I'm engaged to a wonderful woman to whom I shall get married and most likely have one or two nice little Heathen children in the future. I know, that upsets you, and threatening me with legal action from your father really isn't going to sway me.

You must understand also, I already have hired on quite a few Gods. Goddesses, too - I've got a full employment staff here. We could use someone to do payroll, which is a real headache, but I really wouldn't trust you with yesterday's newspaper.

Let me introduce you to one such God now. His name is Mr. Thor. He's Head of Security here, and he's been watching you for quite some time. Now, I'll kindly ask you to remove yourself from the premises before Mr. Thor starts up with that hammer of his. Removing brains from the carpet is a real hassle - not that you'd likely leave any brains to begin with, but I really don't want to take the chance.

ChristianNazi: Dear Mr. Christ, As I’m sure you can imagine I get numerous requests for the top management position in my heart. I appreciate your enthusiasm, but have some serious concerns. The most important items are:

1. You appear to have no employment history between 4000 BC and around 30 CE. While brief lapses of employment are to be expected, a gap of 4000 gap begs some explanation.

2. It is commendable that your employer has given you excellent reviews. However, we must note that this employer is your own father.

Due to the magnificent accomplishments you claim, however I am still considering you for the position. Please respond with some explanation of your 4000 year employment gap, also some independent documentation of your achievements. I need this to be provided from a credible and unrelated party. Also please document your achievements and performance reviews from a source other than a book you wrote yourself.

Nirrti: Thank you for your resume, Mr. Christ. Upon receiving your application, we performed the prerequisite background check. However, we found several inconsistencies with what information you divulged. You say you worked for your father. However, you are listed as the primary business owner and we discovered you and your father are, in fact, the same person.

More troubling, still, there is a felony conviction and several misdemeanours on your record for which you were given the death penalty. Apparently, you're either applying from prison....(or beyond the grave ). We are a safe, secure work environment and strive to hire only those who are a minimal risk. So regretfully, I must decline your request for employment with this company.

The Grinch: Dear Mr. Christ, I have reviewed your resume and I must tell you that I am not impressed. Number one, you are applying for a job that has already been filled (by me!), and number two, your application smacks of the egomaniacal ramblings of a false prophet.

You make several outlandish claims of "godhood" that cannot be verified. And others that are completely contradictory. (Claiming to have "died for my sins" and yet you're alive enough to apply for job positions? What's up with that? What kind of "sacrifice" was it if you're STILL alive?)

Also your claim to punctuality is an absolute lie, as you promised your "followers" (more egomaniacal cult ramblings) you'd be "back" before they tasted death. Now, unless these "followers" are still with us 2,000 years later, then you have indeed lied to them.

You also boast of respecting your parents, and yet when I checked with those who claim to know you (YOUR faithful witnesses, BTW), they say you disobeyed your parents and even disrespected your mother, calling her "woman" on at least one occasion and denying her as your mother on another.

You brag that you have conquered "death, hell and the grave", as well as poverty and sickness. Well, color me nutty but I still see the poor, the sick and the dead littering the world with no decline in sight.

As to your "law abiding" ways: You failed to mention the incident where you destroyed the livelihood of a local pig farmer by frightening his livestock into a lake. All as a part of some "exorcism" scam to impress your "followers"? Most unseemly bit of tomfoolery on your part, I must say.

There is also the matter of an arrest and conviction in your home country, not to mention there being NO evidence of any real work experience. You drifted for years as a healthy, young man, living off the charity and gullibility of hard working people, whom you conned into believing that you were the "son of god." (Probably the two issues are related? Con artistes usually get treated harshly in some countries.)

I could continue, but I think I've made my point.

Your presence is not wanted in this company, Mr. Christ. We here at Grinch Co have only the highest standards of morals, ethics and decency, and we are not given to employing vagabond preachers with delusions of godhood, who's only claim to fame is being capable of deceiving billions of gullible people for 2,000 years and bilking them of trillions of dollars to support his megalomania.

Apparently many of your followers are getting wise to your scam, hence your desperate ploy to have me employ your services. Ah well. Such are the vagaries of life.

Might I suggest you try a more HONEST trade? Say...carpentry?