I don't know why I even bother doing this any more. This constant womanizing... searching for something I know I won't find. All it does is make me feel even lonelier. I have the happy, carefree Playboy act down to a fine art, but that is all it is... an act. I can never let them see the real me... they would never understand. Only another person who has seen the things that I have seen would ever understand. That is why Murdock and I are so close. We have both been through hell and survived... most of it side by side. We understand each other better than anyone else ever could, and so when we spend time together we are able to drop the fašades and just be ourselves. None of the women I've ever met have understood our friendship. In fact it has broken up more relationships that I can count. Most people don't take the time to get to know Murdock. All they see is a crazy man. They don't look beyond the crazy behavior to the sweet, gentle man beneath. He has a beautiful soul and it is a joy to know him.
Some of the women tried to convince me that I was better off not having anything to do with Murdock, and they were immediately told not to call again. Others refused to even talk to him or were rude or mean to him. They were also told to go away. My last girlfriend left because she was jealous of Murdock. The things she said before leaving have left me feeling confused. She told me that it wouldn't work as I was already in love with someone else. I denied it, but then she really dropped the bombshell. She told me she was tired of competing with Murdock for my affections, and that I should stop denying the fact that I love him. She didn't mean platonic love either. But I don't love Murdock that way... do I? And if I did, he definitely doesn't love *me* that way. Surely I would know if he did. I know him better than anyone else, and he would have given himself away by now if he did. I don't know how I would react if he ever did love me that way.
I am confused because ever since she said those things, I find myself looking at Murdock in a different way. Not all of the time, but every now and then I find myself thinking of him differently. Yesterday when he burned his mouth on some coffee, I found myself wanting to kiss it better. I almost reached out for him, but then I realized what I was thinking and pulled myself back. Why did I even think that? I have never even looked at another guy before. I have always known that I liked women. Murdock is my best friend and I don't want to lose that. If I don't get this under control I am likely to do something stupid. I know he wouldn't stop being my friend, but it would change everything. I can't lose the best friend that I have ever had. He means more to me than anything else. In fact, if he was female, I'd marry him in an instant. Oh hell... I just realized what I've been thinking. I *do* love him. Even the fact that he is male hasn't stopped me falling for him. I have spent all of my time searching for something that was under my nose the whole time.
How am I going to cope seeing him all of the time knowing that I love him? How will I survive if he finds a special lady and decides to get married? It would slowly kill me to watch him happy with someone who wasn't me. Even so, I can't tell him how I feel, as I don't want to lose his trust. He is the first person who has even tried to find the real me behind the fašade. He won't let me con him. He knows when I am not being truthful with him, and he forces me to be honest. Without him to anchor me, I would have been lost long ago. I can get so involved in a scam that for a while Templeton Peck does not exist. Murdock makes sure that I do not lose sight of *me*. He *makes* me believe that I am worth something instead of the boy nobody wanted. He makes me feel needed. I will do anything for him. I love him... if only he loved me too.15th March 2001