13 October 2008 A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price." A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand?"
Not one hand went up.
So she took them home and ate them herself. There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There is no justice in this world." The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!" Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, and you come upon a bicycle rider. Do you:
(a) Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or
(b) Do you break the law and pass?
Which is the correct choice? * # * # * # *
A: Why take unnecessary risks and get a ticket?
A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Texan were discussing lovemaking.
"Last night I made love to my wife three times," boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
"What did she say to you this morning?" asked the Italian.
"Don't stop," said the Texan. When Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he said "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind, good luck Mr. Goorski."
For years, mission control tried to find what he meant by "Good luck Mr. Goorski." They checked with Russian astronauts but could not locate Mr. Goorski. Until now, Neil would not reveal what he meant by "Good luck Mr. Goorski."
Today in a press conference, he told reporters that years ago, when he was a young boy, he and his brother were playing ball when his brother hit the ball under their neighbor's bedroom window. When Neil went to retrieve the ball, he overheard his neighbor's wife, Mrs. Goorski, telling her husband, "ORAL SEX? I'LL GIVE YOU ORAL SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!" 6 October 2008 A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes..." A young couple are having sex in a muddy corn field one evening. The fellow asks, "Honey, could you check to see if it's in you or if it's in the mud???"
She reaches down and checks. "It's in the mud."
"Well,... could you put it back in???"
She puts it back in and they continue having sex for a while before he asks again, "Honey, could you check to see if it's in you or if it's in the mud???"
She checks again and says, "It's still in me, big fella!!!"
"Ummm,... could you put it back in the mud." Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass. Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought that they should go to college to get ahead.
The first goes in to see the local high school counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the redneck asks.
The counselor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the counselor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The counselor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin'!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (The redneck is obviously catching on).
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the counselor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"FAG!!" A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3am and says, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty mad. "Where the heck have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder... "You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!" 29 September 2008 A man and a woman had been dating for about a year, and their relationship was getting serious. The man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby's. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter.
Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.
"Don't worry, honey," he said.
She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.
As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Good God Almighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby."
"It is," he said. "9 pounds and 21 inches long!" One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?" Word Play: New Definitions
In case you missed it, this is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I will be home in an hour."
"Perfect," he thinks. The Doctor told him to take his pill an hour before, so he takes the pill and waits. Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife. She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I will not be there for about an hour."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.
"I have got a erection a cat could not scratch off and my wife will not be home for another hour! What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I do not need Viagra with the housekeeper." John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each was being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, "No, thanks...my wife, Michelle, will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to McCain and said, "How about you?"
McCain replied, "Go ahead...my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." 22 September 2008 A small balding man stormed into a local bar one evening and demanded, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so ticked off I can't even see straight!" The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a DOUBLE.
The man threw down the drink and demanded, "Gimme another ONE!" The bartender pours the drink, but said, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY you're so upset?"
So the man begins his tale: "Well, I am a salesman for this fancy goose pillows. I got an order and took several samples to an apartment in this neighborhood. I knock on the door and this woman opens the door. Now, the lady can't make up her mind, so she asks me to take the samples to the bedroom and check them there. As I get into the bedroom I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door."
"Well, the woman says, 'Oh my god, it's my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his WRESTLING match today, he's gonna be REAL MAD! He won't believe that you are just a salesman. Quick, HIDE!'"
"So, I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my FINGERS praying that the guy WOULDN'T see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Tell me, who you been seeing now?'"
"The girl said, 'Nobody, honey, now have a glass of water and calm down.' Well the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either."
"Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?' I think 'Oh boy, I'm dead meat now'. But the woman by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking."
"Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the guy pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender said, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for SURE." "No," the customer replied, "that didn't really BOTHER me. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and agreed, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so UPSET."
"No, that WASN'T what really ticked me off." The bartender then asked in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally tick you off?"
"Well I was hanging there for hours, and I turned around and looked down, and I WAS ONLY ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!" An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink.
The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.
"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some teed-off husband wrote me and said that he'd kill me if I didn't stop screwing his wife."
"So stop," the barkeep said.
"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The he didn't sign his name!" When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry. He goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Did you ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new truck! A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. A! s he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?" A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled Immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."
