10 November 2008 This guy fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking out.
An old nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up, pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe. She humped away till she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left.
The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what happened. The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore on it. He went to the Dr. and after an exam the doc told him he had syphilis of the big toe.
"Syphilis of the big toe?", he inquired, "isn't that rare."
The doc said "You think that's rare, I had a woman in here this morning with athlete's pussy." 1. What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
2. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
3. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
4. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
5. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
6. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
7. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
8. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
9. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
10. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
11. What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
12. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
13. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
14. What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
15. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them.
16. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
17. Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.
18. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
19. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the western plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Australian Tax Office ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an ATO genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transport, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story is:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached. Announcement
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 note falls out on to the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag .."
"Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my #!x*% flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair.." laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays." Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said, 'Fishing or Sex?' and she said. 'Wear sun-block.'" What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes! 3 November 2008 One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.
She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!" John woke up one morning with an enormous erection, so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened, though, and was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John wrote a note, called to his little boy, and asked him to bring the note to his wife. It read:
The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.
Heather answered the note with one of her own and asked her son to take it to her husband. The note read:
Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.
John read the note and scribbled a reply. He asked his son to take it to his wife. The note read:
The tent pole's still up, And the canvas still spread, So drop what you're doing, And come give me some head.
Heather answered the note and asked her son to deliver it to her husband. The note read:
I'm sure that your pole's The best in the land. But I'm busy right now, So do it by hand! When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who had returned to school to finish his degree.
He confessed, with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship might be a possibility between us.
"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.
"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age difference between a man and woman was insurmountable.
He looked at my chart and said, "You're interested in someone who's 104?" A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way." A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female..... 27 October 2008 A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party." A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
"Why don't you wear Silver," answers his wife. "it would be nice if you came second for a change!" Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.
They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."
"What?" his father replied.
"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!" Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing", God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please...
On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple orgasms....." A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out." 20 October 2008 First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid." Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator:
"One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?" What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute. Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..." LAWYER JOKES
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.
How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to SCREW a light bulb...
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.
What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
What does a lawyer do after sex? Pays the bill.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller. A man walks up to the drugstore counter and asks for some condoms. The man behind the counter tells him to go see Edna in aisle 4.
So the man finds Edna. Edna grabs him by the crotch, then gets on the PA system and says, "Medium condom. Medium condom."
Well the man is very embarrassed, but goes to the counter to get his condoms.
Later, a second man goes up to the counter to get some condoms. The druggist tells him to go see Edna in aisle 4.
Same thing happens, Edna grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says, "Large condom, this man needs a large condom."
The man is quite pleased, and goes to pick up his condoms.
Next a teenager goes into the drugstore to buy some condoms for the very first time. He's told to go see Edna is aisle 4.
Edna grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says, "Clean-up in aisle 4, clean-up in aisle 4." 13 October 2008 A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price." A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand?"
Not one hand went up.
So she took them home and ate them herself. There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There is no justice in this world." The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!" Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, and you come upon a bicycle rider. Do you:
(a) Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or
(b) Do you break the law and pass?
Which is the correct choice? * # * # * # *
A: Why take unnecessary risks and get a ticket?
A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Texan were discussing lovemaking.
"Last night I made love to my wife three times," boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
"What did she say to you this morning?" asked the Italian.
"Don't stop," said the Texan. When Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he said "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind, good luck Mr. Goorski."
For years, mission control tried to find what he meant by "Good luck Mr. Goorski." They checked with Russian astronauts but could not locate Mr. Goorski. Until now, Neil would not reveal what he meant by "Good luck Mr. Goorski."
Today in a press conference, he told reporters that years ago, when he was a young boy, he and his brother were playing ball when his brother hit the ball under their neighbor's bedroom window. When Neil went to retrieve the ball, he overheard his neighbor's wife, Mrs. Goorski, telling her husband, "ORAL SEX? I'LL GIVE YOU ORAL SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
