|
Jokes and Quotes |
| Links Subscribe/Unsubscribe Click here. Weekly Short Movie Weekly Cartoon Grigo International KUCHUKOPEK Chihuahua Kennels The obligatory plea for a donation. |
News and thoughts from the old geek. Welcome to this weeks Jokes and Quotes. I have had some recent problems with large ISPs blocking the Jokes and Quotes e-mail. I'm working on it. What happens is, when they get a spam complaint, they block to whole IP address of the server. It's totally ineffective against spammers and inconvenient for you and me. The e-mail you received with the link this week was sent via a mail server on my computer. So it is independent of my ISP's server. When I get the list manager and database software working properly, I will change the format again and return to sending the jokes via e-mail instead of link(s) to the web. The down side of that will be the extras like the movie and cartoon will disappear. I will be sending text only messages. So there won't be any links. Nobody has clicked on the Donation button in the past few months anyway. ;-) This week's short movie is a little 'Boston Legal' humour. It's called Gun Control. Never buy a car you can't push. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. Electing a Democrat to fix an already sick economy is a lot like appointing a fox to head up henhouse security. |
Jokes One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!" "I know!" the next woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house but when I called he wasn't there." The third woman says, "I always know where my husband is." "Impossible!" both women say, "He has you completely fooled!" "Oh no," says the woman. "I'm a widow." NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer. CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer. BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER -- What my broker has made me. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use. A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter Is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a professional!" Is God GOOD - or what!? A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the Human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his." A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint. "Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The Green Green Grass of Home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's New, Pussy Cat?' It's so embarrassing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!" The doctor, finishing his notes, looked up from his clipboard and replied, "Yes, it would appear that you have the early symptoms of 'Tom Jones syndrome.'" "Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man. Replied the doctor, "It's Not Unusual....." |
Quotes "There is no moral precept that does not have something inconvenient about it." - Denis Diderot "The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid." - Art Spander "Adventure is just bad planning." - Roald Amundsen "I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him." - Galileo Galilei "Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable." - John Kenneth Galbraith |