Anecdotes

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26-08-2005: by Heather

There's an old lady who lives in the old folks home next door whom my mother can not stand. She drives one of those electric buggy things, gets in the way of the cars on the road, the way of the people on the footpath, and manages to regularly get stuck in the isles in the fruit&vegie shops. On top of that, she is very bad tempered and rude.

Yesterday I walked past her on my way home.

Today I crossed the road to get to the park where my house is, and there she was.

"I've been waiting for you," she says, and I look around to see who she is talking to. Nobody, so apparently it's me. She asks if I had walked past her yesterday, and my first thought is that she's going to accuse me of stealing her handbag or something. I agree that I had walked past her.

"I want to paint you. When you walked past me yesterday you had a blue and grey aura about you. I've never seen one before, but you had one and it was blue and grey. You have a real old-time beauty and I want to paint you."

She then makes me take down her details, tells me a summarised version of her life story, and instructs me to put a note in her letterbox when I've finished my thesis.

Apparently she's been looking for me, and she even found some other girl wearing a black dress today and asked if she knew who I was, because she wants to paint me - so there's some girl in a black dress out there somewhere who knows that an old lady in a buggy thinks I have an aura and wants to paint me! Oh yeah, and she knows who Dan is (I feel stalked!), and thinks that he wears old-fashioned clothes too (hmmm... not really... erm... heheh) and I think she wants to paint him with me too or something. :P

08-05-2005: by Neferneferuaten-Tasherit

So on Thursday night I went to see The Dawn Collective at Spectrum, which is on Oxford St. I really needed to pee so I hunted around for the toilets.

Eventually I found a little door with "M F" on it. I figured unisex toilets. After all, it was Oxford St.

So I wandered in, avoiding the urinals, and locked myself in a cubicle after much pushing and shoving of the door (it was a bit broken I think). There were no men in there taking a leak, luckily.

Then, oh dear. I heard someone walk in. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzip! The sound of a fly being undone. Oh dear. Tinkle tinkle. The sound of a man urinating. So I stood quietly in the cubicle waiting for them to leave so I didn't have to walk past a peeing man. I'm just not into that.

After a little while I didn't hear them leave but I the zzzzzip of fly being done back up had occured a couple of minutes ago so I figured I didn't want to wait any longer and so long as they weren't peeing any more then I could make my escape.

I struggled to open the door (it was a bit stuck after my pushing and shoving to get it closed) and who did I find? My boyfriend. It was him who was peeing and he hadn't left because he wanted to laugh at me because I had gone to the MENS TOILETS! Turns out they weren't unisex after all.

You see, as soon as I walked in the door I didn't realise there was a door directly on my right that was Female. The door was closed and blended in with the walls. BUT the mens toilet door was directly opposite the door I went in so I assumed it was the second door of the toilets - you know how toilets usually have two doors you have to go through? Yeah. So because that door was open, I didn't see that it said Mens on it!

Thank god nobody else was in there!

11/06/2003: By Mutnotjmet

I know I should be studying, but this is way better, I have an anecdote for your site, dedicated to all Sophie's everywhere. It was a wet and rainy day. A wet and rainy and cold day. Our science-instrument teacher entered the room in her usual interested way as we groaned and counted the minuets left of the double. She proceeded to tell us all details of her son's life. We yawned and counted and slept and died and yawned and counted some more.

Finally she was done, and we were ready to begin investigations. Sophie 3 and I (Sophie 4) gathered around other members of our class (namely Sophie's 1 & 2). What were we to do? And they informed us that we were to become cavemen for the day. ‘Cavemen!' we cried. ‘yey, Ancient history! This is something we know (a strange phenomenon in Chemistry).'

But how to become cave men? We crawled under our desks and emerged as the cavemen oogabooga1 and oogabooga2! Sophies 1 & 2 merely looked at us strangely. We cavemen (or women, as you will) decided we wouldn't stand for that and moved off to find more profitable lands. Hence, we came upon… COPPER!!!!! But it was mixed with all this weird stuff and sitting on a block of carbon. Oogabooga 2 turned to me and said ‘let's burn it!' with a gleam in her eye.

So we discovered fire! (how we did this is strictly information for those initiated as a member of the oogabooga clan). And we blew on that fire until it became hot, and hot, and Hot, and HOT!!!!! Then we said, ‘lets keep blowing on it'. So we did.

Then the Sophie's came over. Were they coming to make peace? Because they should know cave-people don't make peace. But no, they came to say, ‘we're packing up and we need the other Sophies back'. So we reluctantly crawled back under the table and emerged as Sophie3 and 4 again.

Mrs ironic-name approached from the distant realms of the white board. She praised us for our fire skills and we said ‘of course – we invented it'. She gave us strange looks and agreed to put our very hot copper-on-carbon-block in the drawer to cool down over night.

*************

The following day, the teacher-whose-name-shall-not-be-spoken-lest-we-invoke-her-prescence informed us that upon her arrival to school she had smelled something burning. Our copper-on-carbon-block had nearly burnt through the drawer. Teach said this was a very important lesson. We agreed. Now that we had discovered the wonders of fire, more experiments would have to be undertaken to see how flammable a school really is!

This was our story. Stay tuned for future episodes including: setting Sophie 2's jumper alight parts 1 & 2.

*a copywritted work of Sophie 4 (aka Ruth, Mutnodjmut)

03/06/2003: By Yasmin, dedicated to Steve Irwin...

Hi

ok here is what happened yesterday
Marianne, Katherine, Sibel, and Yasmin were walking across the oval one afternoon after school. Grace, Suwanna, and Caroline were behind them. Yasmin said to Marianne "hey dude look at the birds on the volleyball court". They both looked and noticed there were quite a lot of cockatoos hanging about. In the centre of the court where the volleyball net was left, by a very selfish PE class with no consideration for the environment, Yasmin noticed there were some cockatoos there making a lot of noise. She looked carefully and realised that they were infact stuck in the net! Following her instincts, Yasmin ran into a phone booth and changed into steve irwin. Steve told Marianne and they begun walking towards the court. Sibel and Kaz followed. Then Grace, Caroline, and Suwanna too.
As they neared the distressed Cockatoo's, the loud squaks became louder! There was one cockatoo tangled up in the net very badly. It's neck, feet, and wings were stuck. Another psychotic cockatoo was tangled ontop of this one. It was extremely distressed. In fact it was one pissed off bird it started biting and fighting with the one beneath it. The third cockatoo had its head stuck through one hole of the net. Being the dumb bird that a cockatoo is, he decided to continue walking forwards instead of manouevering itself out of the hole.
Steve[yasmin] and the girls were in shock. Marianne was sent to search for a teacher. An almighty teacher that would come to save the day. While she was gone, Sibel and Steve tried to calm down the crazy birds. The psychotic cockatoo continued being psychotic and continuously bit at the one beneath it. He was bleeding and looked very sad. The birds continued their screeches as the onlooking birds watched from the tree's above.
Finally, a teacher arrived. It was Mr Elgood. Mr Elgood had a plastic recycling bag, scissors, and bravery. He approached the very tangled up bird and placed a bag around his head to calm him down. The psychotic bird turn his head from the other brids head, and started to bite at its foot. Steve[yasmin] was horrified. Blood came out of the birds foot and somehow travelled many metres to Caroline's jumper. Caroline proceded to freak out. This angered Sibel and Steve[yasmin] and they told her to "shut the fuck up".
Anyways the very injured bird that was having its foot being bitten off by the psychotic bird was eventually freed by Mr Elgood. The psychotic bird was being a pain in the ass so Steve[Yasmin] ignored it and bravely held down the other bird. It was screaming. It was screaming very very loudly. The horrific noises were driving Steve [Yasmin] insane. She screamed "oh dear god please stop screeching" but alas the bird did not understand. it continued to scream and Steve[yasmin even loosened the grip on the bird . it was eventually freed and it flew away. The psychotic bird was apprehended and freed also.
After the birds were freed Mrs Spry finally showed up [great timing]. She was carrying a bag of birdseed in her hand. Steve returned to the phone booth and became Yasmin again. She conversed with Sibel where many expletives were exclaimed. They did not want to hang around any long so they all went home and lived happily ever after. Well except for yasmin who did not sleep well that night for the birds ever-so loud screeams are still in her head. She is scarred for life and cannot look at the volleyball courts the same ever again..
The End.

18-11-01 from Heather

Damn! I can't remember what I was going to say...But I'm sure it was something embarrassing!

7/2/02 from Neferneferuaten-Tasherit

Once upon a time, I was out the front of my house waiting for someone, when my neighbours, my neighbours' children, and  my neighbours' children's children, were all pouring out of the front door of their house. The problem was that I couldn't say hello to all of them beause I don't know half of their names as well as I should, and half of that half has probably never seen me in their lives before, no matter how old or young they were or weren't.That may not seem like a big deal to some of you, but if you think about these things very not thoughtfully, you won't realise that it isn't a big deal after all and the neighbourly thing to say to my neighbours,  my neighbours' children, and  my neighbours' children's children, is "Hello." So, I needed a solution, and I needed a solution fast. And what just happened to be sitting there right in front of me, just waiting for me to jump in? The boot of the Volvomobile. Yes, that's right, I got inside the boot of the car. The only problem was that I didn't quite fit inside the whole boot, without climbing in feet first and squirming around a lot. So I left my legs hanging out the back... Then they all drove past in their vans, watching me as I was hiding inside the boot of the car, with my legs flapping around in the breeze.

7/2/02 from Heather (thanks to Al for the inspiration)

Back in year 8, in the science class of Mr Trapezium-Head, I had the most wonderful pencil sharpener that any kid could wish for. It was a colourful little oven, and when you turned the pencil in it, the cooking chicken rotated inside. Let me tell you, that was the greatest bit of stationary ever invented. Anyway, one day, it was kidnapped, by the evil team of Al and Lana! I'll save you the gruesome details (because there aren't any...). To cut a long story short, I looked inside the VCR for the chicken pencil sharpener; a terrible deed which I never should have done, as, to this very day, Al has never let me forget about it. I mean, what kind of an idiot would think that a pencil sharpener would be hiding in a VCR? Not I. Honestly, it was just a joke, I never really believed it was in there. Anyway, time proved that I wasn't the real idiot - Lana ended up trying to convince people that a rabbit fur hat was part of the uniform in some prestigious school she went on to attend in Tasmania!

18/12/200 1 from Neferneferuaten-Tasherit

Have you ever been in one of those embarassing situations where all you can do is, well, be embarassed, while everyone else around you really doesn't notice, or at least you don't think they do? I'm sure you have. If you are saying "No, I'm not a dork," you're either lying, or you're such a dork that you haven't even realised. Here is my story.

Once upon a time a friend and I were going to see a movie, American Pie II to be exact. We were about 5 minutes late for the starting time, but that didn't matter because of all those LOUD and BORING ads they have before the feature. There was one slight, very slight problem... The lights had been turned out, and unlike most cinemas, this one didn't have a light on each stair so you can see where the hell you are stepping. So there we were, clinging onto the wall, laughing and crying, trying to find where the stair was by reaching out with one leg, almost to the point where I was doing the splits! I can assure you that in a normal situation that I can't do the splits. I can't even touch my toes... unless I bend my knees. But that's cheating! Anyway, back to the point. It turned out there weren't any stairs for at least another few metres! That was the funniest part of the movie... even though the movie hadn't even started!

6/12/01  from Heather

Once upon a time (a couple of weeks ago), I was in the city with 2 friends. We were travelling the lifts of David Jones... In one of DJ's city stores, the lifts have a speaker, which, when approaching a level, a woman's voices comes through, saying, for example, "Level 7, childrens' wear."  In another of the city stores, we were in a lift that was packed full of sophisticated business people. I heard the speaking noise again, and exclaimed, "It's a talking lift!" and proceeded to giggle (as did one of my friends). Upon exiting the lift, my other friend, laughing, informed me that this one had not, in fact, been a "talking lift", rather, there was a bicycle courier in the lift with a walky-talky that made the noise.

2/10/01   from Heather

As the hot weather of summer began to approach, so did an increase in the local mosquito population. Not just the ordinary little vampires, but the nastier variety too. Last night I felt the need to empty my bladder, so I took a trip to the bathroom, which ironically does not have a bath in it. Luckily, however, it does have a toilet, so I was able to relieve myself of my need to urinate. As I sat on the cool, smooth seat, I looked up to the area of the room where the wall met the ceiling, in the corner next to the door, which I had locked by looping a piece of elastic, white, to match the tiles, around the door handle. Hanging from the ceiling, watching me with a hungrily sinister gaze, was a very large blood sucker, plotting the opportunity to fly at me and suck my blood, as much as it could get, before completely draining me of my blood. Ignoring the other details of my trip to the toilet, I finished my business as fast as I could, eyeing the little assassin as I fled from the room, "I will get you, just you wait..." Once out of danger, I promtly forgot about the hazard in the toilet, until later that night. Remembering my unfinished business, I opened the door peered into the room, crept in and shut the door behind me. I leaped across the tiled floor, and reached for the fly swat I had left on the window sill from my last fly massacre. Lunging at the creature with the swat, I almost hit it, but it got away in time, and flew into the shower. This particular shower has transparent glass doors, so I watched the mosquito, and it watched me, as it darted in panic around the shower behind the glass. Collecting my thoughts, and some courage, I opened the door and aimed at the little monster once more. It flew at me in a rage, and, as it hovered across the floor, I stamped on it...but missed. It began a full-scale attack on me, as I shrieked and leaped about the room. Thinking it had flown into my night gown, I once again fled from the room. This time heading down the hallway straight to my bedroom, stripping off my clothes faster than I had ever done before. I called to my younger sister to look in the bathroom and let me know if the mosquito was still in there, as I could not see it in my clothes. Refusing to do this small favour for me, I was left having to wear nothing but a winter dressing gown and ugh boots to return to the bathroom in case my little enemy was still there. Throwing my other clothes into the hallway, I entered the bathroom again. Sure enough, it was still there. So I went back into my own bedroom, put my night gown back on, and proceeded to walk down the stairs, fly swat in hand. I found my mother. "I need fly spray, and your assistance." I said, and we headed back to the scene of the crime. We entered the bathroom armed with fly spray, and my old yellow fly swat, still carrying the remains of my other entomological victims. This time, the enemy was lying low, hoping that we would not find it, and become bored and leave. Scanning the room for any signs of life, I saw its little black figure, against the white doors of the cupboard beneath the basin. With one forcefull whack, my mother killed the creature with her bare hand. "That'll teach 'em," and laughing, we flushed the little loser down the toilet.

13/7/01   from H Puka

hullo
my name is hatty. hatty puka. i live in delhi, india. actually i dont. but that is not the point at all. it all happened on a dark and stormy day. it was the shortest day of the year. it was getting dark. i went into my last lesson for the week. it was science. with our crazy science teacher standing infront of the classroom (complete with bad hair and dorky glasses).
i crept to my seat. beside me sat a vampire who went by the name of Neferneferuaten-Tasherit. she was speaking of her undying love for a mortal by the name of K. Taylor. i put down my bag grabbed a stool and sat on it when suddenly, OUCH! something small and sharp stang my puka.i looked down and around. there right in the middle of my stool was a thumb tac. i had sat on it. it had pierced my skin. i was bleeding. i was dying. i had to get out of there. but i was paralized with pain. i couldnt move. darkness engulfed me.

but then the teacher turned on the light.and i looked carefully. there was another tac stuck in my puka! thats why it hurt so much! i pulled it out and all was well. toodles!

12/7/01   from Heather:

Whilst sitting in the automobile, patiently awaiting the change of colour in the traffic lights at an intersection at Strathfield, I observed an unusual phenomenon, which the previous day I had assured a fellow human (??) could never happen. What I saw was not for the faint-hearted. Luckily I don't have a heart. I observed a sea-gull fly over an adjacent vehicle, on it's way dropping faeces on the bonnet of the unfortunate automobile.