Stage #1 -- Smart: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are they complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those who get the opportunity to listen in.

Stage #2 -- Handsome/Pretty: This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.

Stage #3 -- Rich: This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.

Stage #4 -- Bulletproof: You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about loosing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously will win a fight that might erupt if he looses.

Stage #5 -- Invisible: This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won't remember.

Stage #6-- No Hope: This is beyond drunkenness & enters unconsciousness. You vomit on total strangers; have sex in public; make comments on every person in sight (not that you can actually see them & their sex is now irrelevant). You jump into cars with total strangers because you are sure that you know them; wake up the next morning in casualty getting your stomach pumped and suffering from hypothermia. You are no longer an expert on any subject except for the number of times you spewed on yourself; you look in the mirror & realise that you have lost that "glow" you had earlier in the evening; you have lost your wallet, coat, gloves and pearls & are feeling far from rich; and the doctor is telling you that you will need 6 stitches on your inner thigh!! And while you certainly won't remember any of this, you have a wonderful bunch of "friends" who will be delighted to recall it all for you - over & over & over ....

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:   Glass empty.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:  Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
ACTION:  See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:  Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:  Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
ACTION:  Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT:   You are being carried out.
ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:   Bar has closed.
ACTION:  Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:  Cover mouth.

---

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Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?

A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

A: Be too ____faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.

Paddy and Mike were inseparable friends; Paddy was crippled. One day, Mike bursts in on the pastor in his rectory and says, "Father, Father, ye wouldn't believe what just happened to Paddy in the Church!" "Well, then, tell me lad. What happened to Paddy in me church?" "Well, Paddy walked into the Church on his crutches. He reached into the holy water font, rubbed holy water all over his right leg, and threw away his right crutch. And Paddy is a cripple, ye know." "Yes, yes, I know. Then what happened?" asks the priest. "Paddy did the same thing with his left leg and threw away his other crutch. And Paddy is a cripple, ye know." "Yes, yes, I know that! For the love of Jesus, Michael, tell me what happened next!" "Oh," says Mike, "he fell right on his ass! He's a cripple, ye know."

LOG ON Making a wood stove hotter

LOG OFF Dont add no more wood

MONITOR Keeping an eye on the woodstove

DOWNLOAD Getting the farwood off the truk

MEGA HERTZ When yer not keerful gettin the farwood

FLOPPY DISC Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood

RAM That thar thing whut splits the farwood

HARD DRIVE Gettin home in the winter time

PROMPT Whut the mail aint in the winter time

WINDOWS Whut to shut when its cold outside

SCREEN Whut to shut when its blak fly season

BYTE Whut dem dang flys do

CHIP Munchies fer the TV

MICRO CHIP Whuts in the bottom of the munchie bag

MODEM Whacha did to the hay fields

LAP TOP Whar the kitty sleeps

KEYBOARD Whar ya hang the dang truk keys

SOFTWARE Them dang plastic forks and knifs

MOUSE What eats the grain in the barn

MOUSE PAD Thats hippie talk fer the rat hole

MAIN FRAME Holds up the barn ruf

PORT Fancy flatlander wine

ENTER Northerner talk for C'Mon in y"all

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson