Max Payne

I watched Max Payne on DVD a few weeks back, and I still have the bitter taste in my mouth. I thought I'd share my views on this film. First some background. I watched Doom some time back, I went in not expecting much out of it, and getting it. I didn't hate the movie, it was crap but it was good fun, all except that ridiculous fight scene at the end when the good guy fires off his last bullet into the air before getting into a fist fight with the guy who could destroy the world if he gets away (god I hated that). So, I am capable of extracting some enjoyment out of a bad movie.

I avoided Max Payne at the cinemas because it had had some stinkers of reviews, I knew it wasn't going to be good. I'd enjoyed the computer game, which had a good plot, good acting, and plenty of action, but game to movie conversions generally suck.

Anyway, the delightful Ms Monkey hired it out as she remembered me saying I wanted to watch it (back when I saw the first trailers, but before any reviews).

Honestly, I wish she hadn't, this is, I think, the worst movie I've ever watched. They had the worst plot twist I've ever seen. I'm going to throw in a plot spoiler here because I figure if you're stupid enough to actually go out and watch the movie after reading this, you'll be incapable of remembering this. During a fight scene where our eponymous hero is just about to get killed by the person we have, till this point, been led to believe is the top bad guy (it was fairly obvious he wasn't but there you go), he is saved by Beau Bridges' character (can't remember his name, can't be bothered looking it up). Within minutes, Beau has told Max that HE is in fact the top bad guy and has him knocked out and dragged to the docks, where he then explains everything before TRYING TO KILL MAX. Dumbfuck, why didn't he just leave the other guy to do it? That just made no sense at all. He didn't even need to get any information out of Max. By this point, I'd already started to lose interest, but that just pushed me screaming over the edge into full-on hating the movie.

At the end of the day, this movie is trying to be a bit smart, it's trying to haul itself up above the level of a simple action movie, but it fails, and in doing so, it also fails as an action movie, frankly, I can't think of anyone to whom this film might appeal.

Honestly, just don't bother watching this film, it's not enjoyable on any level, even with my low expectations for the movie, I was still disappointed.

CodeMonkey

The Strangers

But, I have to tell you about the movie I went to see today... a public holiday up here, due to the Ekka show, and since I didn't want to set foot in there, I decided to go see The Strangers instead...

Oh my FUCK! This movie is the duck's guts, the bee's knees... in other words, it's a FUCKING BALL-TEARER!!!!!

The most basic plot you can imagine, done to perfection. A short film (about 80 mins or so), that cuts down the concept of 'a couple trapped in a house with bad people outside' to it's bare, horrifying essentials... you get a small intro to the couple (which is all you really need to get to know them) then it just happens... I really can't say any more, just that I was hoping to see something at least good, and instead I backed a frigging winner!

So, all you have to do know is go and see it. Take tomorrow off, simply tell those bastards you work for you're sick of their shit, go to the nearest sinema, get yourself a chock top, some popcorn... and settle down to watch, what is in my humble little opinion, is a fucking great movie!

Juno

I watched Juno this weekend. Well worth a look-see. A very 'nice' and enjoyable movie, like a cool glass of water on a hot day. There wasn't a single character there that I couldn't stand to watch. Rod – you'll notice a definite touch of Daria about the lead character, from the voice to the attitude, this might grate a little on some people I guess, but I kind of just recognised it at the start of the movie, then let it wash over me. Nice to see JK Simmons playing a nice soft spoken guy rather than the other 2 roles I've seen him in (JJ Jameson in Spiderman, and a psychiatrist in one of the many Law and Order series). Critics have been raving about it for weeks now, and I've heard rumours there's some pro-choice nutjobs (as opposed to regular pro-choice people) up in arms saying that it's a pro-life propaganda movie, which is bullshit really. The girl makes a choice to go ahead with the pregnancy after considering abortion. See. CHOICE.

Anyway, go see it at the cinema if you get the time, if not, it won't suffer by being seen on the small screen when it's eventually released on DVD to the unwashed masses...

Drop Zone

While stuck in a hotel room on the Gold Coast at 1:00am waiting for some pizza delivery wet-end to master the art of refidex navigation while driving and ringing me 3 times via mobile to ask me for directions, I found myself in front of the standard issue hotel 48cm 50hz CRT, surfing through the movie channels looking for a glimpse of some R-rated booty trailers. I couldn't trick the remote into playing the AO movies for free, so it came down to a choice between Chicken Little and Drop Zone. Well, the fact of the matter is I don't really hold any grudges against Mr Little: he has only robbed me of less than 2 hours of my life. Mr Snipes on the other hand has taken so much more, so Drop Zone it was. Hey, I'm a sucker for punishment and just like my father I go looking for things to complain about, so I figured I could get some extra mileage out of this one and boy I was not disappointed. This was Point Break with skydivers instead of surfers (don't get me wrong, I love Point Break, what's not to love...). Even Gary Busey clocks on to earn some extra coin to buy more booze. This movie had some of the worst acting (if you could call it that) I have ever witnessed, second only to George Dubaya Bush in his portrayal of the leader of the free world. It's making me angry just sitting here trying to write bad things about this film, therefore like so many other things I do in life I am just going to pull up short right now and finish by saying this piece of crap has come oh so close to knocking off Battlefield Earth as the worst movie I have ever or will ever see in my lifetime. Now that is saying something.

P.S. Apologies to all who felt compelled to read this only to be disappointed by my lack of written flair and finesse, you are probably more used to my brothers' fluent and witty prose. I read somewhere Rod's talent skips a sibling or something like that.

The Hitcher (remake)

I rented the DVD. I got home. I watched it. I put it back in its case. I got on with the rest of my life...

Hannibal Rising

He meets a fucking Samurai warrior Maiden in Europe just after WWII??? Well, that was a stroke of luck! He comes out more of a Hero in this film. No, sorry, it didn't work. I'd prefer his past to stay a mystery, rather than the background Harris gave him.

The Saw Trilogy

So, some old prick learns he has cancer, so he decides to embark on a career as an evil Genius, and discovers he has a talent for murder, not to mention carpentry, metallurgy, ballistics, video surveillance, etc. Oh, he has some help of course; a former junky who finds out she has a knack for building ballistic necklaces...

Lady in the Water

I'd rather be kicked in the nuts instead of having to watch that fucking movie again! M. Night FUCKING Shyamalan! I should have learned my lesson after seeing Signs and The Village...

Signs

Let's see if I got this correct… a bunch of Aliens that can't stand water, decide to invade a planet that is mostly made of water… and, not only that, but they decide to invade the planet in the nude? So much for intelligent life out there...

Halloween (remake)

I liked it, surprisingly. Of course the original is still the best, but it was good to see Mr. Myers actually in a good movie, after some of those fucking awful sequels...

The Descent

This is a fucking good horror movie! Good characters, good beasties. Ok, so it was an almost total female cast without even any tit shots, but you can't have anything. Great ending, too. I heard they cut the very last bit for American audiences. If so, it was a fucking cop out!!!!

Stranger Than Fiction

Oh, and we saw Stranger Than Fiction on Saturday night. I thought it was a pretty damned good movie. Kye enjoyed it too, but not as much as I did I think. Will Ferrell was really good, and not ludicrously over the top like he seems to be in his other movies (I've not seen any of them, the traillers always put me off). I thought it was a really enjoyable movie, very "nice". I guess it wasn't challenging in any way, no real need to face up to serious issues etc., just a well crafted movie with a bunch of likeable characters a neat self-contained plot which didn't really require much brain power to follow, and also didn't require hefty suspense of disbelief once you accepted the central premise of the movie (being that the central character Harold Crick has become the main character in a book that is being written and that he can hear her narrating his life).

Ultimately, this was a well crafted movie, with a good cast, good script, likeable characters you could relate to, and nothing I could complain about. It wasn't a "Wow!" movie, more like the cinematic equivalent of sitting in front of the fire on a cold night wearing a favourite comfortable jumper with a mug of hot chocolate in your hands.

I give it 4 out of 5 mugs of cocoa.

A Scanner Darkly

I saw A Scanner Darkly on Saturday night in a theatre containing maybe a dozen people, it was deserted. It's well worth watching, but I think it'll be backed up well by a read of the book. I think some of the things actually came out better in the film than they did in the book, but that might have been because I was looking for them and knew what the ultimate destination was so could see the things leading up to it. The reveal at the end is well done, however, they shortened the final act too much I think, and bled it of some of its weight. Ultimately I think it missed the mark a little in the closing 5 minutes (the whole of the final act of the movie) so the audience is possibly left a little unsure of the main characters condition, but you'd need to ask someone who saw it without reading the book to see if it was ambiguous.

Ultimately a pretty good rendition of the book though, reasonably faithful to the plot, characters and overall tone of the book. The rotoscoping effect was interesting, and well handled, though at times a little distracting as objects seemed to move in relation to each other when they should have been stationary, lending an unreality to the film, which perhaps works well with the central underlying theme, that of the dangers of drug addiction.

If you want to see it, go see it soon, it won't last long at the cinemas with that kind of turnout. It's not surprising though that it's not doing well, it's getting no airtime advertising-wise.

Lady Terminator (1987)

Quite possibly the greatest (easily the most influential) movie ever made, Lady Terminator opens with your stereotypical South Seas Witch Queen who kills her lovers by menstruating all over them mid-coitus. Filthy bitch. She meets her match when she beds a clean shaven Harry Reems (who knows only too well that evil women hide all sorts of nasty wriggling creatures inside their vaginas), who pulls her secret magic eel out of her snatch, causing her to pull the old 'I've got a headache' routine, and hide at the bottom of the sea for a hundred years until the time is right to return and wreak her vengeance.

After being hand picked by Hitchcock to direct the critically acclaimed remake of The Birds (released locally as Piranha 2: The Flying Killers, which fucking rules incidentally) James Cameron's autobiographical dream project (the musical remake of Let me Die a Woman) was laughed out of production, so he pillaged this film nearly scene for scene and released it as The Terminator (1984). Being a staunch Republican and flaming homosexual, he dropped the sex crazed Witch Queen angle, and instead cast Number 5 from Short Circuit in a naked Governor Of California costume. Every key sequence from Cameron's film can be found here, but with far superior special effects and a greater sense of directorial control

Realising his cover was blown, Cameron would cast strong female leads in Aliens and the music video for the Guns 'N' Roses song 'You Could Be Mine' (Terminator 2: Judgment Day) in a belated attempt at cinematic beards. However this backfired horrendously, causing lesbian feminists to devote entire books to the analysis of sexual politics in his films. As a final insult, Cameron would later turn to Lady Terminator's mind blowing tidal wave/boat sinking scene as inspiration for the climaxes to both The Abyss and Titanic.

In a review originally slated for Hustler's ground breaking Ass 2 Mouth special (later scrapped when magazine honcho Mary Whitehouse was gunned down by notorious militant Feminist, Islamic Fundamentalist and Gay Rights activist Andrew Bolt), film critic and book-release-date-procrastinator Tim Lucas called this film "a sellout of their (Indonesia's) national legends to Hollywood consumerism". He later recanted, admitting this harsh indictment was a knee jerk reaction to the opening credits, which failed to list Mario Bava as director.

The Sinful Dwarf (1973)

Easily the most effective film ever made detailing the hardships endured by the vertically challenged in the struggle for free enterprise, The Sinful Dwarf destroys any preconceived notions about how easy it is for midgets to make a crust in the white slave trade.

Starring then child actor Jack Black under the pseudonym 'Torben' (the producers decided that it would be in bad taste to run with original choice Brian Peppers after his registered sex offender status was exposed) as Olaf, a deranged midget fuck who kidnaps young women, hooks them on smack, then pimps them in the basement of his mother's boarding house.

A truly ground breaking, heart warming film experience, The Sinful Dwarf changed the way midgets were portrayed in the cinema forever, and paved the way for such well known classics as The Wizard of Oz, Willow, The Tall Guy, Big, The Fist Fucking Dwarf.

Superman Returns

Yes indeed, I enjoyed Superman Returns. Ironically the last time I watched a Superman film (back when the fourth film came out which culminated in Superman throwing all of earths nuclear weapons wrapped up in a huge net into the Sun I believe) I wasn't too impressed, and I've never been much of a fan of the over grown boyscout, preferring the darkness of Batman or the glib one-liners of your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman. However, I think that this Superman film somehow tapped into a rich vein of nostalgia for me, and I started grinning like an idiot from the moment the intro titles went up. Lex Luthors plot actually held water unlike most 'supervillains' plots and it looked like he had all his bases covered. No, there wasn't much action, but when you're dealing with a guy that is completely invulnerable to everything except Kryptonite and so massively strong, there's not a lot you can do with that. The set pieces I thought were quite well done, the airplane/shuttle rescue was well done and Supes finished off with a suitably cheesy "I hope this hasn't made you all scared to fly...". Perhaps looking at this from a purely clinical cinematic standpoint there's not much substance to the film, but I'm completely unable to view comic books conversions in that way, it's entirely emotional for me, and this film hit all the right buttons. I think that Scott Kurtz said it best on his PvP website the day after watching it – "My name is Scott Kurtz, I'm 6 years old, and when I grow up I want to be Superman. That's pretty much all I took out of that film". Go, watch, laugh, enjoy. Don't analyse.

X-Men III: The Last Stand

Well, I saw X-Men 3 last night, and I just thought I'd drop a few words in about it. When I first walked out I felt pretty good about the film, it was a reasonable action film and delivered in the special effects department. However the more I think about it, the more hollow it felt. Looking back on it now in the cold (oh so very cold) light of day I can't really pick out any great bits in the film, the climactic scene with the mutants battling it out with each other worked well, but still, I can't really jump up and down about it. It felt like everyone was holding back except Hugh Jackman and Kelsey Grammer. I think, looking back on this film, it was all a little weak, it plays out like the intro to a great film, but without the great film. Maybe 4 will be that great film, we'll just have to wait and see I guess. That said, it was enjoyable while it lasted, the special effects were good, there were no huge gaping plot holes to trip down, and Stan Lee made yet another cameo very early in the film. If you're a fan of the series, obviously you'll have to see it. If you're not and you've not seen the other films, watch them. If you're not totally hooked, don't bother with this one, it's not going to drag you into the series.

Resident Evil

A capable action/survival horror film, by the numbers, no big let-downs or happy surprises. All in all, not a bad addition to it's mindless genre. 7/10.

Unleashed

Odd martial arts action movie. Set in a bizarre version of Glasgow where all the gangsters are actually east Londoners and nobody talks with a Glaswegian accent. The action scenes were well choreographed and shot, Jet Li is always a joy to watch when he does his stuff. The story was a little off base I think, and pretty unbelievable if you applied any kind of logical thinking to it. Luckily the fight scenes and Bob Hoskins viscous gangster character help to distract you from the whimsical plot which is built in this sense with Morgan Freeman as he gradually starts to come out of his shell. These scenes seem to clash with the rest of the film and never seem to quite connect. Thinking about it now, this tale is very much like one of Luc Bessons previous offerings, Leon in which a cold mindless killer is redeemed by an encounter with an innocent. 7/10.

Appleseed

First ever 3DCG Manga film. I really enjoyed this particular Manga offering, because while the story was as obscure and convoluted as always in these films, the visuals were astounding. It's worth renting just to sit and watch the first 5 minutes and stare at the screen with your jaw resting on your knees. This film is a cartoon work of art, all built on computers. The story is pretty obscure I thought, and as usual I came out of it feeling like we hadn't really gone anywhere, that said however I felt that there was a much stronger direction in this that in the directors previous offering – Ghost in the Shell, and I didn't feel robbed at the end, just that at the end of the day, nothing had really changed. Perhaps this is a trend in Manga that I'll start to pick up on after I've seen a few more, or perhaps it is just this particular writers motif, but there is a definite feeling that unlike in Western films, where when the film is over, when there's been a huge climatic battle, everything is different, usually better, on this occasion, after th battle, you don't really get a sense that things have changed, although according to the story the change would be pretty big, you don't really get a sense of that at all. 9/10.

Finally, the special features on this particular DVD are obviously an afterthought as far as the Western version is concerned, the subtitles are too fast in some places and too broken up in others to allow you to really get drawn in and I found it very difficult to stay with it.

Horrible High Heels (1995)

This shoe company is sucking arse financially, so one of the less stable employees starts wasting people and using their skins for shoe leather to cut costs. There's about a dozen other subplots in this fucked up Hong Kong Category III flick involving triads, gambling debts, love triangles and shit but none of it really adds anything to the film as a whole, and the best moments definitely revolve around the central murder angle. There's shit loads of nudity and soft core sex to go along with the cheap and nasty gore, and there's one classic scene where the psycho tapes a photo of a woman's face (with the mouth cut out) to a live duck's arse before having his way with it and cutting it's head off.

After trying to import a copy of this flick some time ago, I was served with a confiscation notice along with a prosecution warning from the thought police at Border Patrol. It seems they had a problem with a key scene where the nutter dismembers a corpse with a power saw and hurls the parts at this naked chick, forcing her to fondle herself with the severed head and hands, before vigorously raping her, punching her in the face, beating her skull in, and finally dismembering and skinning her body. Fuckin' lightweights. Five days after my property was stolen and my civil rights violated, I strolled into a local ethnic rental outlet that had at least three copies of this on the shelves, and as a result I've watched this 'problem' scene like a dozen times. Toss my fucking salad, Customs. I really don't know what all the fuss was about anyway, but then every time I watched it I was jerking off so hard I passed out, so it's quite possible that I missed an offensive part that happens right after this scene or something, so you know, viewer discretion is advised.

Tamara

...Bogan you are an absolute gem, can't believe she was crying purely from getting plugged in the wizards sleeve. Rigourous pucker hole action I can understand the odd tear or two (from joy or utter painful humiliation) but the spadger was built to withstand such cheeky shenanigans.

Hey I was pissing myself yesterday talking to a mate who's motto is "2 in the pink, 1 in stink" when he gets a lady friend into the sack in reference to his enjoyment in dishing out finger bang. I suggested he change the motto to "1 in the pink and 2 in the stink" to see what sort of reception he gets.

Also saw a movie called Tamara the other day directed/written by the bloke who did Final Destination. Not bad, a couple of gory scenes and the lead chick is an absolute honey. I reckon she's so hot, you'd eat her dads shit purely for the fact that she originated from his nutsack. And then finish off for desert by sucking every last drop of his ballsack bolognaise and begging to be punched in the face. 3 stars.

The Woodsman (2004)

Any film setting out to be a serious portrayal of a kiddie diddler that call itself The Woodsman is kind of asking for trouble, especially when discerning cineastes see the title and think to themselves, 'Awesome, this is going to be the Rocco Siffredi story or something!' Also the casting of Kevin BACON in the title role is likewise going to confuse people, especially the ones that saw Wild Things for the lesbo action and were a little freaked out by the shower scene where he was half blooded up. The fact that he was a producer on both these films just add fuel to the fire. Obviously he's trying to prove a point, right? The only other real problem with this movie is that it expects way too much of the audience in the way of suspension of disbelief. I mean, The Woodsman scores this kinda hard arse but still pretty sexy chick, and he totally confesses to her that he's into 12 year olds and shit, then throws her out AND SHE STILL WANTS TO FUCK HIM. Hey I'm as much an idealist as the next person, but I'm pretty sure a chick this cool would be nigh on impossible to find. Then again this movie was directed by a chick, so maybe I should just get out more. Anyway this was a serious, sensitive movie about redemption, second chances, confronting inner demons and stuff like that, that was well made and non judgemental, but a little slight at 84 minutes in length. Oh and for all you folks with special Internet profiles who get hounded by reporters from Today Tonight and A Current Affair everytime you move house, the 11 year old that The Woodsman tries to hit on in the park is a real cutie.

Pterodactyl (2005)

Cameron Daddo takes this group of paleontologeek students to look at a volcano in Turkey or some shit, and after one of them discovers this huge pile of birds piss (he falls in it), they start getting their arses torn out by these really shitty CGI Pterodactyls. One of the students is this total mallrat bitch who looks like she should be doing double anal in one of Evil Empire's Euro Angel Hardball series, and I kept hoping someone here would stick their cock in her mouth so she would shut the fuck up, but no such luck. If you thought Coolio was a shitty rapper (he was), then wait till you see his attempt at portraying a badarse military Captain. There's a fair amount of gore, but all the watch-as-it-happens stuff is totally weak CGI which kills any impact it may have had. There's no nudity either, but there's this funny scene where the aforementioned cunt (who looks like the resultant offspring of Sophie Monk and Jessica Simpson after a vigorous scissor sex session) goes for a dip in her underwear and is attacked by one of the critters. She runs back to the camp all crying and shit, but all the geeks just stare at her wet tits and start drooling. It's been ages since I saw a film that made me cry, but I'm man enough to admit that when this turkey (geddit?) ended, I sat there pondering the fact that this was made by the same guy who made the immortal Class of 1984, and I wept like a child.

Ghost Story (1981)

These four old colostomy bag types start getting whacked and it seems supernatural forces are at play. It turns out that when they were in their 20s, like a hundred years ago, there was this hot chick that was dying for some four prong gang bang action and none of these fucking pussies could get it up, so they killed her and hid the body in a lake. I don't know why she would wait till these old cunts were ready to croak before she starts dishing out the revenge, but whatever. Craig Wasson plays identical twins who both get a shot at fucking the re-incarnation of the dead girl, this total slut who dresses like a librarian but gets him to feel her twat in restaraunts and shit, but most of the time he just looks like he's gonna start crying, as if he already knows that in three years time he's gong to catch Barbara Crampton fucking another guy in Body Double. Apart from Dick Smith's cool rotting corpse FX, there's no gore, but the chick shows her tits quite a bit, and she's a demon in the sack too. Also if you're a fag you get to see Wasson's cock flopping about in this hilariously crap blue screen shot where he gets thrown naked out of a high rise. The scariest thing about this film is that as a result of buying it, I own a fucking Fred Astaire movie. Christ, I've got to get a backbone.

Mountaintop Motel Massacre (1986)

This crazy old crone/motel proprietor goes postal, chopping up a pet hampster for being in the vege patch and slicing her daughter's throat when she discovers her holding a seance with her dead father in the basement. I don't know how this old cunt has a teenage daughter, but whoever fucked her this late in the game has got some serious issues. Before long she's creeping into the guest cabins, planting cockroaches, rats and rattlesnakes to surprise the guests. Hey, there's no electricity let alone cable so she's gotta entertain them somehow I suppose. The tenants include these two trashy/sexy redneck Nashville mannabes and who have a great wet T-shirt scene when their car breaks down in a rainstorm, and this Robert Ginty looking travelling salesmen who wants to fuck them both. Eventually the old bitch totally loses it and starts hacking everyone up with a sickle. It seems to take forever to get to this part of the film, but this shit for brains slasher has loads of backwoods atmosphere, great production designs, and wonderfully crappy bargain basement gore FX. It could have used more sleaze (I've gotta deduct a point for not delivering on the promised threesome), but overall I liked it.

The Legacy (1978)

This architect chick and her arsehole Harry Reems-looking boyfriend go to England for business or something, but they have a motorcycle accident instead, and are taken to this huge country mansion to spend the night. The singer from The Who and some other pompous fucks show up, and it seems the whole gathering has been pre-arranged by the mansion's owner, a geriatric satanist with severe respiratory problems. After a loooooong fucking wait, there's this cool dinner table scene where Roger Daltrey does an impression of John Hurt in Alien, but he's just choking on a chicken bone, so this nurse performs a tracheotomy on him with a steak knife and kills him. Most of the other guests get killed in wannabe Omen ways before this crapper limps to an end. Overall it's pretty fucking boring, and there's nothing in the way of nudity to keep you awake. If they could've roped Pete Townsend in as well and made him die of an aneurysm while jacking off to some kiddie porn this might have been worthwhile, but they didn't and it's not.

Dead End (2003)

The most obnoxious family to ever appear on film get lost on an unfamiliar stretch of road on their way to a Christmas gathering. After a near head on collision, weird shit starts happening, like this chick shows up carrying a dead baby, the cunt of a son goes into the woods to jerk off over a Playboy spread, and one by one these arseholes start getting killed (off screen mostly). Each death is accompanied by the appearance of a mysterious hearse, and it seems like no matter how long they drive for, no end to the road is in sight. Before enduring this pretentious, infuriating, shitball of a film, I scanned a bunch of reviews in order to psyche myself up a little. Most of these were very positive, and in each instance the reviewer was careful not to spoil the surprise ending. I'm going to be a little more merciful and say two words: Sixth Sense. To be fair, this film is reasonably well acted (at least I was totally convinced that these cunts were the most loathsome, self obsessed fuckheads I've ever seen), but it's also grating and overly keen to be quirky. It doesn't fucking work. To quote a line of dialogue spoken early in the piece: "It smells like ass". Dead End can suck my balls.

Fright (1971)

This pompous old couple go out for dinner to celebrate the woman's divorce from her psychopathic husband, so they get the rape victim from Straw Dog (Susan George) to babysit her creepy child. I don't know what kind of bitch names their boy Tara, but you know this kid is fucked once he enters the school system. The guy from Minder shows up and tries to give George a bit of the old in out in out, but she cracks the shits and throws him out, then the psycho ex shows up and punches him in the face a bunch of times. I think this kills him. George watches The Plague of the Zombies for awhile before the nutter tricks his way inside and forces her to re-enact her Straw Dogs shafting, (which once again, she seems quite enjoy at first), then the cops show up and the film goes all Kramer vs Kramer with a psycho twist. Phil Hardy's Encyclopedia of Horror Movies called this "an openly sexploitive film" but that's a fucking crock of shit. Susan George looks pretty hot in that purple mini skirt and knee high PVC fuck-me boots, but there's no nudity, the rape scene is mostly implied, and she's such a sour whining cunt that there's very little here to abuse yourself over. It's an OK film but the ending's a let down after the nice build up, still you get to see Dennis Waterman get his face smashed in, and the DVD is a double feature with Demons of the Mind so it's not a total loss.

Creep (2004)

George Clooney is making some VIP appearance in London and Lola from Run Lola Run plays this shallow socialite bitch who wants to fuck him. When she misses her ride she's forced to take the tube train like a real person, but unfortunately the train breaks down or something, then some yuppie cunt she works with shows up to try and rape her. Sadly he doesn't quite succeed, but don't worry, an unseen assailant attacks him and tears a handful of his spinal chord out. A few more people she meets get offed before she finds herself in a waterbound cage like in Cannibal Ferox with this total fucking pussy (don't get a job working in sewers if you don't know how to swim fuckwit). It turns out there's this fucked up albino mutant that lives down there and eats anyone he gets his pale gnarly claws on. If you can ignore the fact that there's no real likable characters, and the fact that it's a total fucking ripoff of Deathline (aka Raw Meat) this is an OK contemporary horror film that delivers some reasonable gore and a few scares. Franka Potente is a hottie but she plays a real cunt here, and there's no nudity so I can't give this more than a 6 out of 10.

American Pie: Band Camp

I saw American Pie – Band Camp, avoid at all costs, 1 funny scene in 1.5 hours. Fucken cunts.

Wolf Creek

*** Spoiler Warning *** Not bad, this story of two fuckable young girls and a bloke (the girls are the fuckable ones, not the bloke) going hitchhiking and ending up shit creek (which I've heard was the original title) has some good moments and a reasonably dark atmosphere, but isn't a particularly extreme example of contemporary horror. Local wankers like David Stratton and the smirking tool who writes reviews for the Herald-Sun (Matt Bodey?) have both cracked the shits about how Wolf Creek is too 'cruel' and sadistic, but neither of them have obviously watched many noteworthy examples of recent horror like Ichi the Killer, which is really their loss. John Jarrett is good as the redneck psycho who eventually chains one of the girls up in his shed before calling her a cunt and going troppo, and the girls are (repeatedly for emphasis) each fairly rootable. (I wouldn't knock either of them out of bed, unless it was with a closed fist to the side of the head as a slaphappy precursor to pulling them back into the blankets before methodically backdoor stovepiping them Max Hardcore-style from behind – hey, if the chicks didn't really enjoy this sort of treatment deep down, guys like us would never even suggest it – signed, sensitive Bogan). Good moments include the reveal of Jarret as the baddie, the scene where he appears in the back of a parked car with a laugh (in a dark room full of cars) to stab the cute girl in the back before severing her spine and finishing her off, also the scene where the other escaping girl and her passerby saviour both get shot by Jarret's high-powered rifle, and also the bit near the end where the boy from the group finally reappears (crucified in a dark shed, and then pulling his hands away from the nails like that bloke in The Sword and the Scorcer) before making his way to safety and wearing ominous sunglasses in court and in the papers. Did Ivan Milat root all his captured tourist hitchhikers, or just the sexy, curvy Swedish babes in shorts? Enquiring minds want to know!

War of the Worlds (2005)

What the fuck? Has Spielberg's talent completely flown the coop? As with most of S.S's recent output the ending of this mixed bag is defaced with a ludicrous, wrongheaded and audience-irritating piece of misplaced sentiment, and I can’t see anyone being happy with the concluding schmaltz in this film. Terry Gilliam concluded after watching this movie that Spielberg can "..no longer direct whole films that hang together, only sequences..", but I think that’s giving too much credit to this misfire as the 'big' scenes were themselves all basically a fucking waste of time. I recommend that folks sit down and play a good PC game like Rollercoaster Tycoon 3 for a few hours, or browse through their favourite web sites or porn mags during the day rather than endure this misguided, flyblown hunk of diseased animal shit in filmic form. Also – Cruise's 'daughter' (Dakota Fanning?) gave me the fucking creeps with her 'cute' American affectation of talking like a cynical, speed-addicted genius-savant Valley girl twit and seemed more like an alien than any of the crappy ILM cg creations that dropped down out of those tripods. You can however view the movie as a metaphor for the rise of the Neo-Cons in the States, with bloody-minded monsters arising after having 'slept' for years and wreaking great destruction on the US. By this logic of course the scene of Cruise being sucked into the giant sphincter of the tripod is a metaphor for PM John Howard guzzling hungrily at the arse of George W. Bush. (For the Bush Administration's own version of the annihilating 'flu' Google 'Patrick Fitzgerald indictments' right now and laugh your ass off at today's breaking news). Not recommended.

Underworld: Director's Cut

Good film about vampires and werewolves killing each other with the occasional innocent human coping it in the middle. I would have liked it to be a bit more graphic, but you can't have everything. I used to want to have a go at sucking on Kate Beckensale's budgies tongue, but after seeing what a fucking ditzy bitch she is in the making of doco, it would now be nothing but torrid anal. Judging by the way she gave Michael Sheen (Lucian) her partner of 7 years and mother of his 5 year old daughter the arse for the Len Wiseman (director) during the movie shoot the dirty slut would probably be up for anything if you've got enough money. Director's cut has an added sex scene, but no tit action. Scott Speedman (Michael Corvin) from TV's Felicity looks like a dazed poof, but all in all it's a good story line, reasonably good special effects and good action. 3.5 stars.

Hero

Jet Li chop sui movie. If you've seen Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, it's the same shit different smell. Stories all weird Asian tripe but with fucken excellent fight scenes (they had a knacker load more money to throw about with this one). These Asian movie blokes need to get some westerners to write the story line and then they can roll with all the crazy kung-fu shit. The only other thing that was crap apart from the hoodie doodie spiritual bollocks was the complete lack of blood. I counted 2 drops the entire movie. Aside from that, the movie was very entertaining. 3.5 stars.

Narc

Ray Liotta and Jason Patric both give great performances in this thriller???? about a narc officer thrown off the force for accidentally killing an unborn baby in a shootout. He is given the chance of returning to the force if he can help with the unsolved murder of another narc officer. A few twists etc etc, not really an action but maintained my attention for 105 min, which is a feat given the lack of body count, tits, hot bitches or comedy. 3.5 stars.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Another bucket of shite from Paul WS Anderson, I hate that faggot's guts. Least the pansy fuck only wrote/produced this aborted foetus of a film and not directed it, I can't imagine what sort of drivel it could have lowered itself to if he had also directed it. When are these pricks going to learn if you're going to make a zombie movie, make it so it at least rates MA and not M. The fans want to see zombies heads taken apart, not see someone about to hit someone else in a darkened room and then cutting away and seeing some tomato sauce splashed on the wall, that's fucking bullshit. One thing in its favour are the chicks though, I kid you not. I wouldn't check Sienna Guillory arse for chug nuts before licking it, I'd eat it out shit flakes and all. And I'd drink Milla Jovavich's menstrual fluid after it's been left in the sun for 5 days she's so fucking hot. It would have been an absolute masterpiece if they'd both got naked and had scissor sex together 1.5 stars.

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Now this is a fucking zombie movie. Not wimping out on violence and gore, combined with an excellent ending that's not your typical Hollywood soppy shite and you've got yourself one fucken good flick. Not much in the way of chick action, they're all pretty much pogs, but the film more than makes up for that with bollock loads of exit wounds and head shots. I lost count of how many zombies they popped in the head. There was even a zombie baby coping it. 4 stars.

The Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Quite a funny movie about an anchorman (Seppo for newsreaders) set in the 70's. This was a time when bitches knew their place and if they got out of line they got the back of the hand and then got on their knees for a bit of oral redemption. The good ol' days where, if you fancied a work colleague, it was ok to grab them on the mammary glands and give 'em the what's what; and they loved every minute of it. There's also something about Will Farrell that makes me giggle like a little girl just with his face on the screen. I probably would have rated it the same if this was the case. 3 stars.

Collateral

I've never liked Tom Cruise. Truth be known I've always thought he was an overacting, smarmy cunt that should be taken out back and shot with his own dried up shit. But he's come up trumps in this little caper about a brutal hitman who flys into LA for one night to take out 5 people before fucking off back to the airport in the morning. Along for the ride is the token black cabby he kidnaps and incorporates into his plans. I loved the callousness and nonchalant attitude as he pops mutha fucka's left, right and centre and the justification and rationalisation he exudes for his questionable occupation. There were only a couple of times when the sight and sound of Cruisey on screen almost made me spew waves of acidic bile onto the heads of the yuppie scum sitting in front of me. One drawback apart from the casting of big nosed Cruise is there could have been slightly more graphic violence. I don't want implied violence, I wanna see it damn it. 4 stars.

Alien vs. Predator

Let me first thank all the nerds on the internet who gave this movie such bad reviews. I mean, it was a bucket of shit but I was expecting much worse. I was expecting to have to take a revenge dump in the cinema just to justify witnessing my 2 favourite movie franchises getting raped in the arse. Instead I took minor satisfaction in imagining the director Paul W.S. Anderson's chest after I'd taken to it with a power-drill and stuck my cock in the cavity for punishment if we ever met. You are a cunt Mr Anderson, you sold out and I've read all your bullshit excuses, but the movie is not that that violent and certainly not gory. It's a shit story with shit acting and pig-ugly actors. You also fucked up another great franchise Resident Evil so I suggest you quit directing and take a job as the bloke who uses a cloth to wipe the poles after strippers have smudged their disease ridden minges all over them instead. You just hope we never run into each other cunt as you'll be wearing nappies for the rest of your life. 1 star for this rancid movie, just because there were predators and aliens else you would get -5 you cancerous fuck.

Shaun Of The Dead

Gore + zombies + MA rating + no involvement of stupid American cock suckers = great movie. Very funny fillum, highly recommended. It was also good to see Dawn from the TV show The Office has shed a few pounds. I still wouldn't throw one up her just yet as she could still do with an eating disorder to take off a few extra kilos. Maybe then she might get a guernsey. Would have given it an extra half star if there was a bit of chest puppy action (not from tubby bitch Dawn though) but great fun nonetheless. 4 stars.

The Day After Tomorrow

Crap movie, was bored out of my fucking mind. Was looking forward to something from the director of Independence Day, Godzilla and The Patriot but it looks as though the tight arse Jew in him has finally come out with this movie. Special effects were not that special. As a matter a fact, if they ended the movie after 40 minutes just after the weather force feeds America fistfuls of faecal matter, then I would have rated it higher. The best bit was when this camera man gets fucked up by a flying billboard and that's about it. The lead actress is very fuckable but doesn't even get her kit off. 2 stars.