PESTIFEROUS FAST-FOOD
what to eat and what to toss
homemacca'sred roosterkfcsubwayhungry jack'ssurvival tips

 
mcdonalds's
MENU
COST
TASTE
HEALTH
COMMENTS
Big Mac
$3.25
Too much sauce sometimes, but still nice.
McChicken
$3.45
I hate the mayo but this is OK.
Quarter Pounder
$3.35
Very meaty. Filling but you may regret it.
5-Star Beef Burger
$4.95
I had a badly made sample in Brisbane. Big.
Lean Beef Burger
$3.95
More 'healthy' menu tucker. I enjoyed it.
Fillet of Fish
$3.05
That is all you get, the fillet! Not bad.
McOz
$3.95
My favourite. Has salad and fried onion but no egg.
Crispy Chicken Focacia
$4.45
Not crispy, not a focacia, but has nice sour cream.
Junior Burger
$1.55
One for the kids. Bread and "meat".
Cheese Burger
$1.85
Same as Junior but with plastic cheese.
Chicken Wrap
$3.95
Nice bread, OK chicken but no lettuce. Rip off!
Chicken Salad
$5.95
Oh give up! Hardly any chicken, nice tomato though.
Fries (small)
$1.55
Salty. Get them fresh for best results.
McNuggets (x6)
$4.15
Not as good as KFC nuggets. Pricey.
Apple Pie
$1.65
Real apples now and crispy pastry. Grotesque.
Sausage McMuffin
$2.10
Nice if they are hot.
Bacon/Egg McMuffin
$1.85
Great if you are famished.
Saus'g/Egg McMuffin
$2.65
I prefer this to the bacon McMuffin.
Hash Browns
$1.00
Deep fried and delicious.
Hotcakes
$2.95
Filling. The syryp is sweet 'n deadly.
Big Breakfast
$3.95
Egg, hash brown, etc. Crap presentation.
Toasted Sandwich
$1.50
Another sad attempt to copy real food.
Yoghurt
$2.45
Sickly sweet. May as well get a sundae.
Sundae (small)
$1.65
All flavours are divine.
Soft serve cone
$0.40
Same ice-cream as sundaes and better value.
McFlurrie
$2.50
With Oreos or M&Ms. OK but not a sundae.
Thick Shake
$1.90
Really thick and decedant. Leave room for it.
Coffee or tea
$1.35
Passable. McCafe brew is better.
OJ (small)
$1.35
Disgusting OJ Simpson concentrate.
Pump Water
$2.25
-
-
Overpriced. Wait till you get home.
Soft drink (small)
$1.55
Ask for no ice. Taste watery.

Overall, McDonald's has a wide selection of reasonably edible hot food, with some choices that will shorten your life and prolong toilet visits. If you find a Macca's that makes its burgers well and does not leave the fries to go stale, then stick with it. The 24-hour joints are extremely handy for people like me who can be up and about all hours of the night.

A brochure detailing the nutrition details of each item is excellent, although it lacks the easy-judgement percentage measure. I am considering weighing menu items in order to provide the per 100g figures. This might be ready by 2007. The brochure does supply lots of reassuring trivia for the junk food consumer. Examples: the meat, salad and veggies are Australian made, the chicken is hormone free, no MSG is added to anything, and McMuffin eggs are broken open just before being cooked.

The free Melbourne newsrag Mx [6/8/2003] reported that McDonald's are testing an automated food making and serving mechanism in its Core Innovation Centre at Romeoville, Illinois. Customers punch in their order with a touch screen, feed money into a slot, then wait for their meal to be cooked by the machinery. A live prototype is now satisfying McHungers in Denver. I am not sure how the whole Macca's experience would change if children no longer served you. For example, I could no longer ask for a "Big Smack" and get that priceless blank stare.

Maccas have installed a more health-conscious submenu that even lists fat content. When will they learn that it's not the junk food image that keeps people away, it is the production line, sometimes sloppy preparation of the food by children who would not know a well prepared meal from a severed head. I had a chicken wrap and it had no more than four threads of miserable lettuce in it, unlike the appetising photo. Clueless fucken dimwits! (Although I am the one who eats there.)

A friend at work related this amusing cautionary tale about the nutritional value of MacDonald's food. He had to drive to Adelaide for business then head straight back to Melbourne. On the way up from Melbourne he only ate Macca's. Whilst in Adelaide, he only ate Macca's, and on the drive back to Melbourne he stopped in at Macca's for a meal. He said that when he got home, he had a seizure.

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red rooster
MENU
COST
TASTE
HEALTH
COMMENTS
Volcano Burger
-
Mayo alert! Just like every fillet burger ever invented.
Souvlaki Roll
$4.55
Bun is dry and stale. Expensive crap.
La Tango
$4.95
Fillet, wholemeal bun, cheese, lettuce. Pretty nice.
Fillet Burger
-
Edible and filling.
Pollo Chicken Pieces (x3)
$5.70
Supposedly marinated, they taste OK.
Garden Salad
$3.95
Much like the McSalad. Limp lettuce and minimal nutrition.
Chicken Strips (x3)
$4.00
One of their best menu items. Yummo!
Nuggets (x8)
-
Greasy but tasty...KFC's nuggets still rule the world.
Chips (small)
-
They tend to get steamed in the box.
Lemon Chicken
-
-
-
They look nice on TV...limited time.

Red Rooster is a fair choice among the gut-rot cognoscenti. It is Australian-owned still and you can find something that resembles a home-cooked roast meal. The outlets tend to be depressing because customers rarely stay to eat, and my local Red Rooster is freezing cold. I also hate the one way mirror: what are they hiding?

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subway
MENU
COST
TASTE
HEALTH
COMMENTS
Chicken Fillet (½)
-
Processed chicken with batter. Great!
Chicken Pieces (½)
-
With gravy. Has home cooked appeal.
Meat Balls (½)
-
With gravy my favourite.

Subway is a superb fast-food option. Get a hot or cold meat sub with fresh salad and no horrid sauces, and it will be the healthiest meal in this survey. When it comes to choosing salad, I always ask for everything except lettuce. This gives you better value for money and more taste, since lettuce is rather dull but fills the roll up quickly. I would rather have the other stuff. The counter service at Subway is also excellent.

The breakfast menu is a great addition. Macca's has the best tasting food, but I am sure it will deform your offspring. Subway's choices are pretty good, despite being rather pre-packaged. While nothing beats a proper English breakfast, you could do worse at Subway.

I have a 20% VIP customer discount card for Subway, which makes it less painful on the hip pocket as well as the hips.

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kentucky fried chicken
MENU
COST
TASTE
HEALTH
COMMENTS
Mashies (reg)
$2.95
Wow, these are superb little balls of yum.
Zinger Burger
-
Okay but life not changing.
Superzinger Burger
-
Ditto. Has some tartar sauce. Big whoop.
Fillet Burger
-
Huge photo vs the real thing discrepancy.
Chicken Schnizel Burger
$4.75
Fillet burger clone with doughy bread. Pointless.
Bacon/Cheese Burg.
$4.95
Will do the job.
Club Burger
-
Works burger wannabe.
Works Burger
-
KFC's Godzilla burger. I love them.
Twister
-
Chicken strip kebab style. Needs more salad.
Chicken Strips
-
More batter than chicken.
Kentucky Nuggets
-
Can never have enough!
Popcorn Chicken (reg)
$3.45
Tiny chicken bits covered in batter. OK but expensive.
Caesar Salad
$6.95
Pathetic ripoff. Mostly lettuce and croutons.
Chips (small)
$1.85
Similar to Red Rooster chips.
Potato/Gravy (reg)
-
Healthier than chips not as tasty.
Coleslaw (reg)
-
Watery dressing and tastes processed.
Original Pieces
-
Fabulous straight out of the box.
Hot/Spicy Pieces
-
Ditto.
1.25L Pepsi
-
I have to match prices with supermarkets.

KFC is looking more garish these days. The burger options are reasonable hunger busters, although I personally think mayo should be banned from all fast foods. It has been a while since I had a large KFC feast, but like all greasy fast food, it must be eaten hot. The "original recipe, secret 11 herbs and spices" chicken still tastes the same as it did in my youth, which is saying something. Their buns are not as sugary as Macca's or Subway.

Reported in the Herald Sun 13/12/2003: WorkCover prosecuted KFC over an accident involving a young male employee who fell into the deep fryer, badly scalding his lower limbs and no doubt turning the poor lad off chicken legs for good. KFC had their so-far exemplary safety record acknowledged in the hearing, which resulted in a $25,000 fine. Although safety signs were posted, poor supervision allowed the youth to climb on top of the machine to clean it. Relaying this tragedy to a sharp-witted friend of mine Tracey (at a BBQ no less) she quipped, "I wonder if his nuggets got cooked?"

31/1/2004: Predictably, KFC have added some 'healthy' menu choices in a dubious game of follow the leader with McDonald's. There is no doubting these single-braincelled corporate intellects. Anyway, your humble narrator sampled a dish entitled Chicken Breast Fillet Caesar Salad. Quite a mouthful which is more than I can say about the meal itself. You get a large shallow plastic bowl filled with lettuce, croutons, and about eight small cuts of seasoned chicken meat. There is also a satchel of creamy dressing. I felt like a rabbit, eating all that lettuce. Oh, and there may have been a tiny dusting of grated cheese shavings, but maybe they were was bread crumbs. At $6.95 this is a complete scam.

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hungry jack's / burger king
MENU
COST
TASTE
HEALTH
COMMENTS
Whopper
$3.95
OK flavour but the runny mayo sucks.
Double Whopper
$4.55
Two patties. Again, spoiled by pus-like mayo.
Aussie Burger
$4.75
Awesome. Only lacks fried onion. Pricey.
Bacon Double Cheese Burger
$3.25
Meaty and cheesy. Not bad if made properly.
Chicken Roll
$5.10
Stale bread and miserable strings of lettuce. Passable chicken pieces.
Fries (small)
$1.65
Standard fries deal. Bigger serve than Maccas.
Onion Rings (small)
$2.00
Horrid greasy flavour. Hard to finish them.
Grilled Chicken Burger
$3.95
Disappointing and not filling. Get a burger.
Vege Burger
$3.80
Ho hum flavour for non-carnivors. Suffer!
Sundae (small)
$1.50
Virtually identical to Macca's sundaes.
Soft Serve Cone
$0.40
Same ice-cream as sundae. Square 'cone'?
Thick Shake (choc)
$2.00
Same as Macca's shake. More flavour maybe.
Coffee
$1.30
I never seemed to have enough sugar in it!

"The burgers are fatter at Hungry Jack's."

Hungry Jack's (or Burger King in the US and the airport) is not as healthy as McDonalds. I find Hungry Jack's burgers to be greasier, but probably better value for money. Feel the weight of those suckers! The staff are actually grooming themselves better these days. But my personal preference is for Maccas.

The music playing in the background is normally a musical tossed salad consisting of easy listening rock and recent chart hits. When combined with the garish Happy Days decore primary colours, chrome, vinyl upholstry the experience of dining at Hungry Jack's leaves you in no doubt of the calibre of their cuisine. If anything, the too-loud music chased me out before I had finished my fast food zen relaxation ritual: reading the newspapaers and magazines I am too cheap to buy myself.

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