Flyaway

I thought levitation was a conjurer's trick until I dozed off at St Marys Station one night while waiting for a train. I woke with an odd floating sensation then looked down and was surprised to find that I had lifted off the seat and was starting to drift away.

I'd been dreaming about Indian fakirs, snake charmers and flying carpets so it was an eerie moment. Then I realised I was being carried away by the two biggest mosquitoes you ever saw in your life. I was lucky to escape.

Dr Peter Proboscis of Mamre College was understanding when I rang but told me not to get my nose out of joint. He said it could easily happen again because there is no real defence against mosquitoes. Mosquito repellent doesn't actually repel mosquitoes—it hides you so that they can't find you. The spray blocks the mosquitoes' sensors and they don't realise you're there.

The problem is that as the mosquitoes evolve they will learn to find their way through the repellent. When that happens there will be no way to keep them off and the Aussie barbecue will become a thing of the past, causing massive unemployment in the beef and barbecue industries.

So think of your fellow workers: roll up an old copy of the Star and swat a mosquito today.

But beware of the big ones – they just might swat you back.