Bell, Book and Candle

Bush walkers in western Sydney have become concerned that the AIDS virus may be passed on by leeches and Dr. Peter Proboscis of Mamre College is working to develop an anti-leech spray.

In the meantime," Dr. Proboscis said, "don't get your noses out of joint. There are alternative remedies."

He went on to explain that leeches, like other vampires, respond to traditional practices and said that bell, book and candle remain foremost among our weapons.

Bush walkers are advised to carry all three, ringing the bell constantly to scare away leeches.

Should one get close enough to attach itself you can hit it with the book.

If that doesn't work, singe its tail with the candle and it will drop off, hopefully before infecting you.

And if you think that's all too much trouble try a clove of garlic.

Don't eat the garlic or you'll keep everything away, including your friends. Hang it around your neck. It's the time-honoured method for warding off vampires.

If you're still concerned keep a large crucifix in your pack. You can snatch it forth as occasion demands and cry, "Away! Away!"

That should give you confidence to deal with leeches.

Of course, none of this works against mosquitos.