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| Effects | (Sound of key in door. Door opens, closes audibly.) | |
| Susan: | (calls) Hi Richard, I'm home. | |
| Richard: | (undertone) Oh, my God! It's the wife! ... Quick! Pick up your clothes and hide in the wardrobe. It'll be a bit cramped but keep quiet and, for Pete's sake, don't shuffle around. | |
| Effects | (Sound of scuffing feet, a couple of bumps.) | |
| Richard: | Nothing left lying around? OK. Shh! I'll try to get her out of the house. | |
| Effects | (Sound of wardrobe door sliding shut.) | |
| Susan: | Richard! Are you there? | |
| Richard: | Coming, Precious. | |
| Susan: | Ah, there you are. But why are you getting dressed? What's going on? | |
| Richard: | I was just having a nap. I didn't sleep well last night. | |
| Susan: | You were snoring pretty strongly for somebody who couldn't sleep. All night! Maybe I'm the one who should have had a nap. | |
| Richard: | You know I don't snore, Susan. We've talked about that before. I...do...not...snore! | |
| Susan: | And I only use ear plugs to stop my ears getting a chill, right? | |
| Richard: | You're exaggerating. | |
| Susan: | Humph! Anyway, put those groceries away, would you? I'll hang this dry-cleaning in the wardrobe before it gets creased. | |
| Richard: | No! No! You know where things go better than me. You pack the cupboards and I'll hang the dry cleaning. Say, what coming out for lunch? | |
| Susan: | Today? | |
| Richard: | Yeah, right now. It'd be nice. | |
| Susan: | It's only half past ten. A bit early, don't you think? | |
| Richard: | Morning tea, then. We'll go down to Caddie's and have a Devonshire tea. | |
| Susan: | What's going on, Richard? Are you trying to get me out of the house? | |
| Richard: | No, no, Precious. Of course not. I just thought it'd be, you know, romantic. | |
| Susan: | Yeah, right! Romantic. That'd be a first, wouldn't it! | |
| Richard: | Well, I've been thinking. We got out of the way of doing things together. I thought it'd be good if we could get a bit closer, you know, like when we were younger. | |
| Susan: | And you just thought of this ... today? | |
| Richard: | Ah, yes. This morning. I've been thinking about us this morning. | |
| Susan: | While you were having your nap? | |
| Richard: | Well, yes, like, I suppose I was dreaming about us. About how things were. So I thought we should do something romantic. | |
| Susan: | Really. | |
| Richard: | Really and truly, Darling. | |
| Susan: | Let's have a look at that bedroom. | |
| Richard: | No! No, it's a mess. I, ah, didn't have time to make the bed when I got up. | |
| Susan: | You haven't made a bed in twenty years. Why would today be different? | |
| Effects | Sounds of a chair being moved, dry cleaning being picked up. Footsteps stumbling as Susan pushes past Richard.) | |
| Susan: | Why is the bedroom door closed? | |
| Richard: | It just is. It's no big deal. Sometimes it's open, sometimes it's closed. I shut it when I came out, that's all. | |
| Susan: | Of course you did. (Sound of bedroom door opening.) What the hell have you been doing in that bed? It looks as if a suicide bomber went off in it. | |
| Richard: | Ah, I was dreaming. I must have tossed and turned a lot. | |
| Susan: | A nightmare, then? | |
| Richard: | Yes, I was having a nightmare. A horrible one. I didn't know what I was doing. | |
| Susan: | That last bit I can believe. So you had a nightmare while you were having these romantic thoughts about me? | |
| Richard: | No! ... Yes! ... I mean, I had a nightmare but not while I was thinking about you. | |
| Susan: | Mmm. Well, it might not have been a suicide bomber, but if I'm any judge of bedclothes, somebody went off in that bed this morning. Now, let's see why you didn't want me to put the dry cleaning away. | |
| Richard: | Let me, do it Susan. Let me! You must be worn out after doing all that shopping, and missing your sleep because I was snoring. You go and make a nice cup of tea while I hang these things up. | |
| Susan: | Out of the way, buster! I want to see what sort of bimbo would waste time on a loser like you. | |
| Richard: | Susan, please, I beg you. Don't do this. It's not what you think. I mean, it's not something I meant to happen. It just did. Darling, please go back to the kitchen. | |
| Effects | (Sound of wardrobe door sliding open forcefully, with a thump) | |
| Susan: | Well, I'll be damned! All right you, out! Out here where I can get a good look at you. | |
| Effects | (Sounds of shuffling) | |
| Susan: | Well, don't just stand there catching cold. Get yourself dressed before I decide to take to you with a kitchen knife. | |
| Richard: | Susan... | |
| Susan: | Maybe I could understand it if you had Miss Universe in there, but do you really mean think that this thing is sexier than me? Look at it! Middle-aged, flabby, and the way it's quivering I'd say it's got the personality of a jellyfish. | |
| Richard: | I don't know what came over me, Precious. I must have had a brain snap or something. | |
| Susan: | Don't you "Precious" me! I don't want to hear another word out of you or I'll get that knife and perform a bit of corrective surgery on both of you. What a sorry pair you are. You probably deserve each other. I must say it looks a bit better with some clothes on. Get it out of my house. Then get your own things and go with it. | |
| Richard: | Darling, if I could just explain... | |
| Susan: | If you can explain this you'd better nominate for parliament at the next election. You'd be a smash in Canberra. Now, just for the record, not to mention the divorce lawyer, has this thing got a name? | |
| Richard: | (mumbles) Yes, Darling ... sorry, Darling. Ah ... this is Fred. |
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