Hair Piece

As Adele Eyler found her way through the exotic shrubs and stuffed animals that comprised the Jungle Bar's dimly-lit décor, she wondered why she didn't feel better about meeting this man.

Philip Stein had come into her life only a few weeks before. He was good looking, well groomed, charming, fun to be with, and an exciting lover. So why did she have reservations? It was almost as though there was a side to Phil that she could sense, but couldn't quite see. If that were the case she had no doubt it would surface soon enough. In the meantime, she thought, why not enjoy his company?

"It's dark in here," she said as she approached his table. "I almost missed you tucked away behind this potted rain forest."

"That's the advantage. It's a great place for a quiet chat when you don't want to be seen."

"And we don't want to be seen?"

"Not today. I've got something for you to think about." He pointed to the drinks on the table. "I ordered you a Planter's Punch," he said.

"Mmmm! That's beautiful," she said as she sipped it. "So what brings on this sudden urge for secrecy? You don't have a wife somewhere do you?"

"No wife, Del. No other women at all. Just the same, there is something you don't know about me."

"Golly, you're under cover for the CIA!" she quipped.

"Not even ASIO," he smiled. "I'm what you might call a consultant."

Back in the offices of Strong Pharmaceuticals, Del sought out her boss, Sam Strong. She was not only Sam's personal assistant, she was also his confidante and was able to speak freely.

"It was weird, Sam," she said. "He calls himself a security consultant but he doesn't provide security, he tears it down – an industrial spy. He only struck up a friendship with me to get access to the formula. I think he's working for Hair Raisers."

The formula she spoke about was Strongrow a revolutionary new hair restorer that early tests had shown to be extraordinarily successful.

Pierre Lapin, a diminutive French chemist, had spent years isolating the DNA molecule that produces hair on rabbits. Adaptation had rendered it compatible for humans and rumours of its success had set the hair industry a-buzz with speculation. It had been featured in trade magazines and had even attracted a few humorous paragraphs in the daily press.

"He offered you money?"

"Ten thousand."

"Generous bastard! They'd expect to make millions out of this. You told him where to go?"

"I told him I'd think about it. I thought you might, you know, set a trap or something."

"Did you now! That does leave us with some possibilities. Of course, he hasn't done anything illegal yet. Even if he persuaded you to steal the formula he'd only be guilty of receiving stolen goods and he'd walk away from it. That would leave Hair Raisers in the clear."

"But then you could sue them for breach of patent."

"Not really, Del. All they have to do is add a few harmless enzymes, produce research notes to prove that they'd done it on their own, then claim it was one of those coincidences that crop up sometimes in scientific research. We'd have a long expensive court battle with little chance of winning."

He thought for a while. "Let's make use of your Mr Stein. We'll sell him the Strongrow formula, but not for a lousy ten thousand dollars."

"You're serious?"

"Very!"

Sam Strong hadn't become wealthy by making bad decisions and although Del wondered what he had in mind she noted a twinkle in his eye and a look of good humour on his face. She didn't know how he planned to turn the tables but decided she was probably going to enjoy it.

Back in the Jungle Bar for her next meeting with Stein, Del was happy to play the role of conspirator. Any affection she had felt for this man disappeared the moment she realised he was using her. Her manner was peremptory.

"You've brought the cheque?"

"God dammit, Del, do you know how much you're asking for?"

"And do you know how much Hair Raisers stand to make from this formula!" she retorted. It was a statement, not a question.

"Be reasonable, Del."

"I am reasonable. A quarter of a million is peanuts alongside the profits they're going to make by stealing Strongrow."

"Don't get too smart. Remember, I'm only buying the formula. You're the one who stole it. You're the one who'll get locked up if Strong lays charges.

"You're right," said Del. "I'm risking a conviction for a man who doesn't begin to understand what he's buying. I'm going to walk out that door right now with either the money or the formula, and I'm not coming back. Make up your mind!"

With bad grace Stein took three envelopes, each containing a cashier's cheque, from his pocket. He selected the one containing the largest amount and reluctantly handed it to Del.

She inspected it carefully then picked up a slim briefcase from the floor and extracted a large envelope. "These are photo copies, " she said. "Do what you want with them." She stood up and looked down at him. "Don't contact me again. Our business is finished."

Sam was all smiles when she returned from the meeting. "How did it go?" he asked.

"Like a dream." She handed him the cheque. "I just can't believe you'd sell Strongrow for such a small amount."

"I'd have taken even less," he grinned. "I don't need this money. You and Pierre get half each—you earned your share, and Pierre deserves a bonus for the years he spent in research."

"But why?" She was thrilled at the big bonus but couldn't believe Sam would give up without a fight.

"Strongrow doesn't work," he said. "It's a failure."

"But the tests were so positive. Everybody says so. What could possibly be wrong?"

"What do you know about rabbits?"

"Nothing, really. They're cute and fluffy and they have lots of bunnies."

"Right. Cute and fluffy! Pierre thought he could transfer that hair growth to humans, and he was right. The trouble was he couldn't confine it to the head. The tests looked great at first but it wasn't long before we realised that hair was growing everywhere. The volunteers started to look like Chewbacca from Star Wars.

"Oh, my God! That's terrible! I didn't know a thing about it."

"Nobody knew. Just Pierre, myself and our lawyers. We paid heaps in compensation and had to arrange for permanent depilation so the poor beggars could get their lives back to normal. The formula was a disaster."

"But Hair Raisers will start selling it and ruin lots of other people's lives. You can't let that happen."

"I don't intend to," he said. "I'll issue a press release and let the world know what happened, but not yet. Let's wait for three months."

"Why so long?"

"Hair Raisers will work fast because they think they have to beat us to the market. Three months should be just enough time for them to spend a fortune on advertising and production.

"That formula's going to cost them a whole lot more than a lousy quarter of a million."

This story started with the joke about the priest and parson who were driving in the country when they ran over a rabbit.

They stopped the car and the parson prayed over the dead rabbit while the priest stood patiently by. When it was his turn he took out a small bottle of colourless liquid and sprinkled a few drops on the bunny which leapt to its feet and raced away across the countryside.

"My word," said the parson, "that holy water is powerful stuff."

"It's not holy water," said the priest, "It's hare restorer!"

The characters had their origins in the Old Testament. Sam Strong was Samson, Adele Eyler was Delilah (but on the side of the angels this time), Philip Stein was a Philistine—but the diminutive Pierre Lapin was, of course, little Peter Rabbit.