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— by Ogden Nash
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I'm an autocratic figure in these democratic states, I'm a dandy demonstration of hereditary traits: As the children of the baker bake the most delicious breads, And the sons of Casanova fill the most exclusive beds, As the Barrymores and Roosevelts and others I could name Inherited the talents that perpetuate their fame, My position in the structure of society I owe To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago. My pappy was a gentleman and musical to boot, He used to play the piano in a house of ill repute; The Madam was a lady and a credit to her cult, She enjoyed my pappy's playing and I was the result. So my mammy and my pappy are the ones I have to thank That I am now the chairman of the National City Bank. Chorus: Oh! our parents forgot to get married, Our parents forgot to get wed; Did a wedding bell chime? It was always a time When our parents were somewhere in bed. Oh! thanks to our kind loving parents We are kings in the land of the free – Your banker, your broker, your Washington joker, Three prominent bastards are we, tra-la, Three prominent bastards are we. In a cozy little farmhouse in a dozy little dell, A dear old-fashioned farmer and his daughter used to dwell. She was pretty, she was charming, she was tender, she was mild, And her sympathy was such that she was frequently with child. The year her hospitality attained a record high She became the happy mother of an infant, which was I; And whenever she was gloomy I could always make her grin By childishly inquiring who my pappy might have been. The hired man was favoured by the girls in Mammy's set, The travelling man from Scranton was an even money bet – But such were Mother's morals and such was her allure, That even JFK wasn't absolutely sure. So I took my mammy's morals and I took my pappy's crust, And I grew to be the president of the Chase Investment Trust. In a rough and rugged chain gang on a dusty southern road My late lamented pappy had his permanent abode. Now some were there for stealing, but Daddy's only fault Was an overwhelming weakness for criminal assault. His philosophy was simple, and free from moral tape, Seduction is for sissies but a he-man wants his rape. Dad's total list of victims was embarrassingly rich And though one of them was Mammy, he couldn't tell me which. Well I didn't go to college, but I did get my degree, I reckon I'm a model of a perfect S.O.B. I'm a debit to my country, I'm a credit to my dad, I'm the most expensive senator the country ever had. I remember Daddy's warning that raping is a crime – Unless you rape the voters, a million at a time. I'm an ordinary figure in these democratic states, A pathetic demonstration of hereditary traits. As the children of policemen have the flattest kind of feet And the daughter of the floosie has a wiggle in her seat, My position at the bottom of society I owe To the qualities my parents bequeathed me long ago. My father was a married man, and what is even more He was married to my mother, a fact which I deplore: I was born in holy wedlock, consequently bye-and-bye I was rooked by every bastard with plunder in his eye; I invested, I deposited, I voted every fall And if I saved a nickel the bastards took it all. At last I learned the lesson, now I'm on the proper track – I'm a self-appointed bastard, and I'm out to get it back. |
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