Reader Quiz

How smart are you? What sort of personality do you have? Dare to take the following test to learn the things your friends won't tell you.

1.   What is a contour?
a.   The outline of a figure.
b.   A trip undertaken by a used car dealer.
c.   Part of a braille photograph of Bo Derek.

2.   What is the world's most effective foot deodorant?
a.   Avon.
b.   Eau de Cologne.
c.   Eau dem Golden Slippers.

3.   Define quid pro quo.
a.   One thing in return for another.
b.   Compensation.
c.   The cost of a quickie in the pre-decimal era.

4.   What is prestidigitation?
a.   Sleight of hand.
b.   Pushbutton telephone dialling.
c.   Creative tax accounting.

5.   Define bosom buddies.
a.   Close friends.
b.   Any set of philanderers excluding the sub-set "leg men".
c.   A clutch of lesbians.

6.   What is an expressionist?
a.   An artist of the Expressionism movement.
b.   A mime.
c.   A retired dry cleaner.

7.   Define metamorphosis.
a.   Transition from one stage of development to another.
b.   Transformation of a happy child into a feral teenager.
c.   The erosion of your savings account into bank profits.

8.   What is an agnostic?
a.   Somebody who says we can't know if God exists.
b.   A creditor who doesn't believe the cheque is in the mail.
c.   A soccer fan at a rugby match.

9.   Define speechless.
a.   Unable to think of anything to say.
b.   A politician with laryngitis.
c.   A feminist's husband.

10.   Define modern education.
a.   The science or art of teaching.
b.   A process aimed at reducing talented kids to undistinguished clones.
c.   An attempt to pass knowledge to the unwilling by the incapable.

That's great. You've finished. Now, do you have the courage to add up your score?

Score 5 points for each C,   3 for each B   and   0 for each A.

Score 0-15
You are intelligent, stodgy and humourless. If you are not an accountant you probably work for the Taxation Department.

Score 16-30
You have potential and may go far, however you are obviously too young to know that honesty is not always the best policy.

Score 31-50
Either you cheated or you're as crazy as a loon. We recommend that you make an appointment with either a priest or a psychiatrist.