Not Serious News

For two years (1999-2000) I was the breakfast announcer on a Sydney community radio station. It was just as well I was already retired: broadcasting for three hours a day, five days a week, plus preparation time, was like having a full-time job.

One of the things I did that made the program unique was to write a segment called "Not Serious News" and those stories provided the style I later used in my columns for the St Marys Star and Penrith City Star.

This "news" report was broadcast on January 3, 2000 and at that time the three most controversial items in Sydney newspapers were the recently introduced a 10% GST (Goods and Services Tax), the Millennium Bug, and a controversial second international airport proposed for Badgery's Creek near the city's western perimeter.

In the 1990s when El Nino dominated the weather pattern it was blamed for everything from wet weekends to the population explosion. We've moved from the Nineties to the Naughties and, come to think of it, if the 1890s were known as the Naughty Nineties the new decade may become known as the Naughty Naughties.

It won't be El Nino who gets blamed for things going wrong this year—it will be the GST.

Think about it. In adding 10% to living costs the GST will add 10% more stress, the stress will naturally lead to a 10% increase in the number of stress-related illnesses, including blood pressure, heart problems, and all sorts of psychosomatic symptoms.

Unfortunately at the same time the hospitals will be making a 10% cut in services so they can defray the 10% increase on their purchases.

Add it up! Those 10% additional patients using only 90% of the present services, are going to mean a 20% overload and lots of deserving souls aren't going to get any treatment.

Untreated people will find themselves unable to concentrate on their jobs, leading to a 10% increase in unemployment and a disastrous financial situation for the new unemployed. They won't be able to keep up their mortgage payments and 10% of homes will be lost. That means 10% of people will be looking for rental accommodation which they won't be able to find because of the 10% rise in the number of tenants, and which they couldn't afford anyway because it would cost them 10% more.

Marriages will break up leading to 10% more people spending their evenings in singles bars, drinking 10% more liquor leading to 10% more alcohol-related illnesses, putting an additional 10% overload on the hospitals.

Prime Minister Howard said that while these factors had not been considered in drafting the tax package the additional hospital administration costs could easily be overcome by increasing the tax to 12.5% in the first year and passing legislation to make it possible to increase the GST on an annual basis.

As the new year moves into its first week, health authorities have issued an alarming warning.

A Sydney-based computer company conducting experiments with artificial intelligence failed to take adequate precautions to cope with the Millennium Bug and, because of the nature of their experiments, permitted it to develop into a virus.

As a result a bio-compatible strain of Y2K has escaped into the community and is believed to be carried by mosquitos.

Y2K symptoms include loss of memory, lethargy, and a stiffening of the joints similar to arthritis. Typical memory problems include inability to remember anything prior to January 1, or any appointments or plans which were made before that date.

If you don't want to get out of bed in the morning, and can't be bothered going to the office or doing the housework, it doesn't mean you've suddenly become lazy; you've probably contracted Y2K.

In extreme cases because of loss of mobility victims have been unable to feed themselves and have been placed on a life-sustaining drip. While the number of confirmed cases is still in the low hundreds, the Government has declared New South Wales a disaster area and is attempting to reduce the spread of the disease.

It is not yet known whether Y2K is contagious but if diagnosed Y2K positive you will be required to wear a yellow patch to warn others to keep clear.

These are the precautions you should take:

1. Avoid contact with mosquitos at all costs.
2. Stay indoors. Keep the doors and windows closed at all times.
3. Welcome no visitors.
4. Do not switch on your computer or fax and in no circumstances use email.

Major pest exterminators are offering special low rates to mosquito-proof your car. If you must drive during the emergency you will need a "Mosquito Free" sticker for your windscreen.

Low-interest government loans are available to householders who need to construct a mesh-covered walkway from house to car.

While civil libertarians acknowledge the seriousness of the epidemic they insist that patients diagnosed Y2K positive must not be compelled to wear any distinguishing badge. In an emotional statement to your AIR-FM reporter Cecil Dogooder, spokesman for the Council for Civil Liberties said, "It is better that the whole population should perish than that a single person should be embarrassed."

The CSIRO are optimistic that they can develop a Y2K vaccine some time this century.

In a new report released this morning it was revealed that plans to construct a new airport at Badgery's Creek were so flawed that only a gigantic cover-up on the part of the Federal Government has permitted them to continue.

A joint venture between Underwood Engineering, Waterford Construction and Boeing Aircraft (the consortium is known as Under-Water-Aircraft) has revealed that because of the continuous vibrations caused by the jet engines the concrete wall of Warragamba Dam may be subjected to insurmountable stress.

The company has pointed out that since the dam is already in a keep-your-fingers-crossed situation, the extra stress would almost certainly cause it to burst flooding much of south-western Sydney with horrendous loss of life.

In a confidential memo to their parent companies, the consortium pointed out that it wasn't all bad since most of the protesters would be washed away in the flood. However, it did raise that point that unless amphibious passenger jets were to be introduced on the Sydney run Badgery's Creek would be unusable.

Under-Water-Aircraft have therefore recommended that the new airport be located outside the Sydney basin.

That brings us up-to-date with our news from UNS, and that's the Unbelievable News Service.