Golden Tonsils

How often have you heard somebody say they'd like to be a square dance caller only to add plaintively, "I just can't sing." Think about the potential. If all these aspirants had great voices we'd have so many new callers starting new clubs that square dancing would enjoy a world-wide renaissance.

Perhaps it was with this in mind that Callerlab   recently commissioned two renowned cosmetic surgeons, Dr Phyllis Steyne and Dr Emil Phranke to initiate an experimental program on the human larynx.

By performing a bit of nip and tuck on the voice box these gifted surgeons will soon be able to give you the vocal range you need to challenge even James Reid and Jason Dean for supremacy! Just think – in twelve months your face could appear on the cover of American Square Dance. Your fame and fortune would be assured.

It doesn't have to stop at square dancing either. Couldn't you put together a list of pop singers who would benefit enormously from a scalpel to the throat? I know I could.

Then there are the side benefits. Ladies, how would you like a husky voice that drives men wild? Gentlemen, you could soon be as smooth and as suave as Cary Grant. The singles clubs will be clamouring to be a part of it, and it's all in the melting pot.

You may confidently sign up because there is almost no risk involved in joining what is, after all, an experimental program. In these litigious times if the operation goes wrong you'll be no worse off than you were before and you'll be able to sue the surgeons for enough money to buy that seaside home you always wanted. It's a winning proposition all the way.

The Review is at the forefront of the recruitment drive and we are looking for volunteers to fly to the United States to represent Australia in the experiment. If you'd like to be part of this leading-edge program why not drop an Email to the editor and get your name on the list.

Just tell her that you want to be one of Phranke & Steyne's songsters.