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My mind is flooded with images that I don't want to see anymore. They haunt me, twisting my emotions with each frame they reveal. When I close my eyes at night they rise and spool against my eyeballs in a dance of vivid dreams. My history, my life, a past I don't want to deal with thinks that it's time I do. I have nightmares of what happened to me. To rectify the night terrors I don't sleep but this action leads to my mind contorting and creates a haze, a blur where reality, the here and now becomes as castrating as my dreams. It's four days since I've slept and voices are starting to speak, as they do when fatigue wears away at your sanity. I want to fight but to fight I must reveal my current state and I know what fate will befall me if I do. I have to remain out of the psychs clutching hands but keeping the secret is tearing me apart.

I find my mind wandering; I am trying to focus but my direction wanes. This cycle is wearing, for six months now I've been lost in repeat, living by running from myself. I don't want this anymore. Is this living? Is this how it will always be?

When the pain gets to great I want to slash, I want to bleed myself dry, I want some concrete pain, not this internal quake that shreds me away until I feel like an abrasion. I'm tired of finding myself in a foetal position, curled up tight refusing to submit to my pain, my pride is defeatist but it is my pride that has kept me alive so far. I know I have to stop this, I have to heal but my wounds are still fresh and seeping, I'm raw with emotion. To many lights of time flicker past my eyes, these memories they all want my attention at once, my childhood wants to be heard and it's deafening.

All this grit is under my skin making me scratch away at the surface, making me look behind the mask I wear. All this turmoil is because when I was a child I knew things no child should know. When I was a child I felt things no child should feel. When I was a child I lost my childhood to the beast. This beast is incestuous, he consumed all in his path and left us in chaos while he slept in perfect dreams. When I was a child I knew I never was a child. I know what happened to me was wrong but I can't go back and make it right. The sheets have been washed clean of the blood but the stain on me remains and it is this stain I am trying to cleanse. When i was a child I lived in fear. A fear so real it would catch in the back of my throat and make me gasp for breath. This fear was real not an overreaction but real. When I was three I was thrown against the kitchen wall for asking a question my father could not or would not answer. You learn quickly that your life is tenuous. My life still feels endangered but by my hand this time.

There's an ache at my core, a loneliness that cripples me a pain that I can't describe fully, it's a the darkness of loss that floods me a part of me drowned never to be seen again.

It's starting to turn into night, the sky is fading I like the night no one can see my tears when I walk in the shadows. I've become a creature of the night, I shall not sleep tonight even though I am almost falling down physically, my mind though is wired, buzzing with restless memories. I am trapped halfway between reason and delusion. I reason out that this is the solution to my nightmares but it is delusion that whispers that logic in my ear.

I'm glad I don't drink or do drugs can you imagine my state if I did. All this on pent up emotion; step right up see the show how long can she last. I feel like a freak on display but everyone passes me by oblivious to the truth. Maybe you only see what you want to see even my friends can't see past the mask. Fuck I'm good. But who am I really fooling only myself, ramble begins to set in I've been playing this game to long. I turn up my jacket collar and walk out the front door I shiver as the night hits me, I fade away into the black but the problem still remains.